Thursday, January 17, 2019

Time For Another Marriage Chat, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                    I mean, girls, come on!!!!!!!!!!!  Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and you don't want to be alone like buffalo Dorothy Wheeler!!!!!!!!!!!!   It is time to get serious about husbands, so here are some more outstanding tips we can all peruse, and disgust!!!!!!!!!!!!

                    Gather round, dolls, with your coffee cups!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                     57. Dress Differently From The Other Girls In The Office--I really like this one.  I mean, while all your coworkers are dressing like Miss Spinster Secretary of 1957, you go the extra mile, coming in with Hermes, and other designers, looking as though you should not be working there, because you look like Lee Radziwill!!!!!!!!!!!!   And what would Lee be doing, in a secretarial pool????????????  Are you kidding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Show everyone how better you are than they!!!!!!!!!!!!

                   59. Watch Your Vocabulary--This is a tricky one.  You don't want to sound too intelligent, because intelligence scares suitors away.  You don't want to sound too trendy.  You should just sigh, and take all your cues from him, praising his use of big words that you don't know the meaning of, and, before you know it, you will be crossing the threshold of his apartment.   But go slow, once you get there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                   62.  Don't Tell Him About Your Allergies--At least, not until after the wedding, when it it is too late.  No one divorced over allergies, but many an engagement can and might break up.  Oh, girls, no one wants a Debbie Downer.  And if you are a feminist, and read Joan Didion, hide those works when he comes to visit you.  Not that he will know who Joan is, anyway.  But if he peruses a volume, even he will recognize she is a downer, and that will put the kabash on the romance!!!!!!!!!!!!

                  64. Buy A Full Length Mirror, And Take A Good Look, Before You Go Out To Greet Him--
Oh, my God!  Remember Barbara Bates, as Phoebe, at the end of "All About Eve?"  Now, you better believe she had it right, though she was going for Award Gold, not a husband!  But this can work for both!  She had  not just one mirror, but multiples, so she could look at duplicates of herself from every angle!  This is the smart way to check yourselves over, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!  Then you won't miss a stitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

65. Change The Shade Of Your Stockings, And Be Sure To Keep The Seams Straight!!!!!!!!!--
Men like to look at calves, girls, and I do not mean the bovine kind.  I mean, even at the end of the 2005 "Pride And Prejudice," with Keira Knightley, there was Elizabeth Bennett stroking Mr. D'Arcy's calf on the porch, during a rainstorm!!!!!!!!!  Horrors!  Because--there is NO calf stroking in Jane Austen!!!!!!!!!!!!

But stockings are important.  No fish nets, because you do not want to look like a cheap slut, unless you are going to a costume party as Black Canary!!!!!!!!!!!!  Sheer flesh and black that show plenty of leg, especially the calves, are the order of the day.  Make sure the shoes match!  Then, he will not be able to take his eyes off you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all for now, girls!!!!!!!!!!   More tips to come, in the near future!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Find a husband!   You can do it, girls!

I mean,,,,,guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, My God!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look What Movie Turns 50 This Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                      I can remember how, when I was 14, I was filled with anticipation over this film.  At an age when I believed expense meant quality, this film, at $20 million, was the most expensive musical ever filmed, in its day!  I knew it just had to succeed!!!!!!!!!!!!  

                                       The morning it opened, my late friend, Doug, and I, were on the phone, reading the Daily New review to each other, planning when to see it, because it got "four stars....FOUR Wanda Hale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  Who, at the time, I wanted to be.

                                         Alas, when I finally saw the film, what camp!  Though pricey, it looked cheesy, and the circular design of the poster was camp when it issued.

                                         All across America, whenever it played, and BARBRA descended the Harmonia Garden stairs in that cheap looking gold lame dress, some disgruntled Theater Queen would always scream out, "Modess….because!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                          It happened at my screening!  And, no, I was not the screamer!!!!!!!!!!!

                                          Will this be given an anniversary screening?  Are you kidding?  With Carol Channing, having just passed, and the lights dimmed for her, last night??????????????

                                             No way, Jose!  Even BABS wants to forget THIS one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who Knew Last Year's Horror Film, "The Nun," Was Actually A Biopic Of Nancy Peolosi???????????????????

                                 You know, there really IS "Fake News," out there, and it has a name.  It is called the "FOX Network!"

                                    My real news comes from reality...namely "Saturday Night Live!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                    Where, and when,  I learned this movie from last year was actually a biography of Nancy Peolsi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                       Poor Nancy!  She is trying to fight a good fight, but looks as if she should be home, putting meatballs and marinara sauce, on her family's table!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                         I saw "The Nun" last year. Some of it was hilarious, some of it well made.

                                         But now I have to see it under THIS context!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                          Keep it up, Nancy!  We LOVE you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Now, Shop Rite Does The Can Can, Selling Lots Of Cans Of Vegetables In Can Cans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                    Remember the "tasty corn, asparagus," girls?

                                    Shop Rite's "Can Can " commercials are a brilliant return to the distinctly American middle class supermarket milieu of my childhood.  Shop Rite....Acme....Grand Union...oh, my God, I thought the area of Jersey where I grew up was nothing but supermarkets??????????

                                       Was my future destined for working in a supermarket?  Horrors, no???????????

                                        But the commercials are creative, fun, and nostalgic for some of us.  And this has been their main ad gimmick for decades, and it still works.

                                         That makes some kind of record. Whomever came up with this was brilliant, and, I hope, landed a gold mine of money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It just makes me want to walk into a Shop Rite, right now, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Portrait Of A Loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                               This week's column almost chose its own candidate, darlings.  With the year barely two weeks old, Jake Patterson is already looking good as one of the top Bitches Of The Year.
For now, at least, he is the winner of The Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award.

                                  He is some loser who worked at a cheese factory--isn't that ironic, dolls?--and saw Jayme Closs, a 13-year-old girl, get off a bus, and was instantly obsessed with her.

                                   Obviously, Jake, you could never get a date or get laid.  So you decided this was the way?  You sick, twisted FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                     Now, let me say, not all computer nerds are psychos.  What I want to know is, where are the parents in all this?  The father reaches out to the family, the grandfather continuously defends his grandson, saying he is "quiet and shy," and, meanwhile, where is the mother?  Is there a mother?  Did she die?  Or did she leave because she was aware of what she was dealing with?  My guess is the last.

                                      On October 15, Jake murdered Jayme's parents, Denise and James Closs, then took Jayme to his home, where he kept and hid her for 87 days, till the brave, smart girl, escaped.

                                        She was hidden in a cabin in Gordon, Wisconsin.  She was forced to stay under a bed for twelve hours at a time, no food or bathroom breaks.  There is no evidence that Jayme was sexually assaulted--which surprises me!!!!!!!!!!--and Patterson threatened her with harm if she made herself visible.

                                         This sick thing should be locked up, with real butch inmates, who will cornhole him!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let him know what it was like for Jayme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                         What kind of a loser are you, Jake?  Never screwed a girl, and now you have screwed yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                            Which is what bitches, of all types, do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Why Aren't These Books Published Anymore??????????????????????????????????

                             Children's literature changes over time, I know.  But some things ought to remain timeless.  When I haunted the children's book section, it was always series--The Bobbsey Twins, Nancy Drew, Cherry Ames, The Hardy Boys, Tom Swift.

                               Try finding these today.  Though Nancy Drew has been morphed, over the years, from the fabulously chic, glamour 30's chick I loved, to something on the verge of today, which is like a fashion no-no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                               I was a varied reader, so had trouble attaching myself to a series for the duration.  But one that I absolutely loved, which I discovered in my fifth grade classroom, were the Doctor Dolittle Books, by Hugh Lofting.  I know I read at least two, "The Story Of Doctor Dolittle," and "The Voyages Of Doctor Dolittle."  I loved Jip, the dog, Gub Gub, the pig, and Dab Dab, the duck.

                                I really wanted to read the one where Doctor Dolittle goes to the moon.

                                 But I shortly transitioned to adult fiction, and, when I got curious again about the series, I found the only one now in print is the first, "The Story Of Doctor Dolittle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                                    Now, several nights ago, I had the weirdest dream.  I was on the East Side of Manhattan, heading for a revival house, showing two Sixties films--"The Ipcress File," with Michael Caine, and the 1967 musical, "Doctor Dolittle," with Rex Harrison, which just about did in 20th Century-Fox, and which I never got a chance to see, even though I had the soundtrack album, which was pretty terrible.

                                      Still, in the dream, seated in the auditorium, were two former coworkers.  I did not expect to see them, let alone anyone I know, here. let alone ex workers.  When one saw me, they abruptly got up, and seated themselves somewhere else.  In my row, sat another coworker, who got up, left, but not before hissing at me, "You shouldn't be here!"

                                          What was going on?  And I only wanted to see "Doctor Dolittle," really!
                                         Really, this was the most anticipated film, at my age, of 1967.  It looked visually lush, but was dramatically and narratively a mess.  Rex Harrison was SO miscast.  Try keeping a straight face, during the song, "When I Look In Your Eyes," which is a love song he sings, to Sophie, the seal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                             The animals steal the show, here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                              Get the movie's taste out of our mouths!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                               Republish the original Hugh Lofting books!  ALL of them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time For Another Marriage Talk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                    Girls, I have been meaning to do this for so long, to help all my gay male readers out there, find there someone.  It worked for women in 1958, but that was over sixty years ago, and women have moved on.  So, it is time for the gays to step up to the mantle, and achieve their goals!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Here are some of the more healthful tips.

Well, from this list--two stand out.

52. Wear High Heels Most Of The Time.  They're Sexier--Girls, you have to be absolutely unafraid of showing your calves.  And high heels are the way to go.  Keep them simple and basic.  No Joan Crawford "Fuck Me" pumps.  You don't want to be taken for a slut.  Just a nice, convent bred girl!!!!!!!!!

55. Take Good Care Of Your Health.  Men Don't Like Girls Who Are Ill.--That is simply because they are the ones who have to be taken care of, and that is your job.  Do it with a smile.  Remember, service with a smile.

Oh, keep up your facial appearance, but if it has to be one of those wash n' go days, just go with it. As long as your complexion is fresh and tingling, no one will notice.  And it's not like a whore's bath, for God's sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, brief, though it was. that is it for now!  I will be back with more fabulous tips for all you gay guys to land a husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We can all do it, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!