Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Well, Girls, Lightning DOESN"T Strike Twice!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, last night I was so tired out from my excursions the night before I couldn't begin to set my experiences down. May the Bronte sisters forgive me!!!! Well. Monday night I decide to check out the Local Dive, where my friend, Max (you know, darlings, the nebbish) was allegedly proposed to. The Local Dive turned out to be Gene's, an Italian mainstay in the Village, on West 11th Street, which I had been meaning to try. So I tried it. And let me tell you, girls, it says volumes about the differences between Max and myself. But then remember he is the one with the relationship. I am still single and alone.

Gene's is at first glance charming. After the environment sinks in, the darkness of the lighting suggests less romantic atmosphere than a visit to the Hudson sisters' household in 'Baby Jane.' Looking around the room the clientele--whose average age is 70, and who would appear to be
gumming their food rather than digesting it--suggests more a nursing home than a romantic night spot. But then, dears, Max always was a bit of a convalescent himself, which is why he would fit right in here. The food was on the whole average, the service efficient but hardly friendly; not quite hostile, but , girls, let me tell you, if you dropped your napkin here, not only would you be expected to pick it up yourself, but you wouldn't want to see any of the staff butts bent over.

What did we learn, sweets? That this restaurant is not suitalbe for MOI. That if this is where Max was proposed it speaks volumes of a relationship that I would care not to HAVE. Darlings, when I am proposed to--and I am determined there be a WHEN--it will be at One If By Land, Two If By Sea, which is much more MY style, loves. We also learned we wasted ourselves a perfectly good evening, just like last week wasting my eyes and brain on that literary tripe called "Earthly Powers." Mr Burgess should have hung it up as a novelist after "A Clockwork Orange."

And speaking of hung, I don't care if Max or his partner are hung like horses, (I can for certain, lambs, tell you that Max is NOT) this is not what I am looking for in a restaurant, dining
expereince, or relationship.

Maybe that is what I was supposed to learn, girls! In which case the evening was a sort of success.

And just wait till tomorrow night when I bitch slap Julio with a paddle at our Book Group!!!!!

Kisses to all!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Darlings, Wot Qual-E-Fuh-KY-Tions???????????

That phrase, girls, is a tribute to the late but great Victor Buono and his iconic performance as Edwin Flagg in the equally iconic 1962 film "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?" But we are not here to talk about that film, darlings, though let me tell you I HAVE lived it, as it represents the childhood of fame and adulation I so desperately wanted and cling to resentful bitterness that I did not get.

Girls, as stated before, as a gay man I am the IDEAL relationship partner, though as stated previously I am not Eric Evans. But neither than anyone else is but Eric Evans, and I will bet you, darlings, even he has his off days. But Eric Evans notwithstanding here are my qualifications.

1. I am drug free.
2. I am disease free.
3. I moisturize, deodorize and accessorize.
4. I know Miss Porter's.
5.I know the Ivy League.
6. I know the Seven Sisters.
7. I am open minded.
8. I am literary.
9. I know the demi monde--darlings I have dined on the demi monde circuit during the
Golden Age of Haute Cuisine--Lutece, Le Cirque, Lespinasse, La Grenouille, The
Sign Of The Dove for God's sake!!!!!!!
8. This horse has been around the track and knows all the tricks!!!!!
10. I am trustworthy and stable--ie; capable of monogamy!

Darlings, how many gay men do you know can match this list? So why isn't my door being
batted down with eligible partners, instead of nut jobs? Girls, we have to maximize our assets
and make sure we are seen at all the right places. I have also been to One If By Land Two
If By Sea and I propose to be seen prominently at Harry Cipriani's before the summer is

So, girls if you feel you can meet these specifications and would like to give me a try,
feel free! Preference given to wealthy Jewish businessmen from Great Neck. (Though
professionally, lawyers perform the best sexually.)

But it's not about sex, darlings! I have had all I can of that! What I am talking about is
stability and companionship!

Are gay men up to that, darlings? Let's find out as I make my way through New York's
romantic haunts in search of the answer--and you can follow with me. Tonight I am going
to The Local Dive, where Max supposedly got his marriage proposal. Will lightning strike
twice, sweets? Stay tuned and find out!!!!

Kisses, girls!

Darlings, Is It Possible To Become A Desperate Housewife Without Having A Vagina?????

Darlings, I am at the end of my rope! Last night at my evening church social, after I stopped the show in choir with my vocal pyrotechnics, girls, who should walk into the room but my friend Max. Now, Max is not the brightest bulb in the forrest, and when it comes to looks, frankly, he is Mr. Nebbish. I hadn't seen Max in months, which is not unusual for him. And what does he have to tell me? For the past eight months he has been dating this guy, an academic, who last
Saturday over an Italian restaurant dinner, proposed to him!!!!!

Now, sweethearts, I am happy for Max. After all, it does prove the above point, that one can get ahead without a vagina. Though gay men, as you know are prone towards using their male one, but let me tell you, darlings, I refuse to, because I want a relationship, not a booty call!!!!!!!

Getting back to the situation at hand--after congratulating Max, I had to admit I was stymied!!!! An academic??? When Max is not the most cerebral or literary creature out there???? I had to wonder--what on earth is the matter with me, and all us girls who ARE
charming, literary, bright, not quite nebbishy, but not Eric Evans, and want the same thing--a relationship--that Max seems to have but cannot find one??????

Is Botox what it is all about? Are we expected to play dumb and offer our asses skywards???
Is this what is called compromise. I ask you, girls, what can all this mean?????

Wiser heads would say you haven't seen what Max is getting, which is true. They would also say I am NOT Max, meaning what I want in a relationship differs from his. I mean, girls, I am SO highly qualified-- I know show music.
I know designers.

I am the essensce of hygenic glamour, which let me tell you some gay men out there could take a lesson from me on. I mean, you don't have to be Miss Porter's, but at least bathe!!!! Me, I have to be Miss Porter's, darlings!!!!!

Is it too much to ask? All I want is a nice, rich Jewish husband and a house in Great Neck. Then I can retire from this career rat race, read all my books, and become an alcoholic!!!!!! At least THEN I would have a reason for becoming an alcoholic!!!! But without a man or a house, there is no excuse in my case.

So stay tuned, darlings! This column will report loud and long about the struggles of the unfulfilled gay man--namely me, darlings!--for a realtionship!

And what of Max? I wish him well, but I will NEVER, EVER stoop to whatever level he was reduced to in order to get a man!! Girls, we should all get them on OUR terms!!!!!!!

Don't you agree, dears????

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Girls, It's Not As Easy As You Think

Let me tell you up front, girls, being gay in New York is not as easy as it seems. Freedom and options come with a price whether that be STD's or discarding your porno sex fantasy notions in favor of reality. Oh, and when I say girls, I mean all you gay guys out there, because from my vantage point the butcher the guy the more inwardly Nelly he is. That's Nelly, not NEELY.

What do you think of this, girls? Two men go out for a two year plus period. They are seen there and about at all the right restaurants. Their sex life may not be perfect, but, hey, you can't have everything. They go to London for a dream of a literary cum theatre trip. The partner calls it their "honeymoon trip" and gives the intended a lovely Victorian night shirt with stripes. I mean, very Cecil Beaton.

Then, just a short time after the two year anniversary, the partner begins to act strangely,
questioning not just the relationship but things he has known about the intended for years, like his penchant for classics and literary ficition, which he then goes on to attack? As well as attacking the intended's friends, whom he has been introduced to, while the intended has not met any of the partner's friends. If, indeed, he had any.

To make matters worse, when problems are recognized and talk begins the intended asks if a break up is desired. This way both can walk away with dignity and no hurt feelings. So what happens? Can you believe this? The partner picks a fight about how they are going to spend the Thanksgiving holiday, and then sends the intended an email saying "I no longer want to have anything to do with you."

Break-up by email? Can you imagine anything more cowardly?

Well, I can girls! Because all of this is exactly what happened to me? Why? Becauase I failed to read signs I did not want to read, and because gay men overall are more coldfooted than their straight coutnerparts when it comes to committment.

I mean, this is just the tip of the iceberg. In their never ending quest to find a relationship, not just get laid, gay men face as much agravation as their straight female contemporaries andt then some!!!!

Everyone says don't for love and it will come. But what happens when you stop looking and it doesn't come. It seems the answer is more gay men need to outgrow their inwardly adolescent behavior before love will find its proverbial way.

Girls, We Just Wanna Have Fun!!!!!!

Darlings, last night the "Sex And The City" screening was so much more exciting than I could have imagined. Let me say first and outright that I AM Miranda. I have her intellectual brilliance, and as my friend with me said, "You are uptight enough." He got that right!!!!!

I am telling you, when Carrie gave Louise the Louis Vuitton bag, I went wild. And when I saw the store door with the name Diane Von Furstenberg on it I screamed! I SO want a Louis Vuitton bag! And a Diane Von Furstenberg original.

Darlings, SATC is what all us gay men want--to be THIN, GORGEOUS, BRILLIANT, HAVE
GREAT SEX--in fact, pretty much what we do anyway. So girls, as I have not realized it till now, this blog will become not only my SATC but an SATC for all gay men. Women are invited to join in.

You think I haven't done the sex clubs? The sex parties? Honey, from 1990 till 1996 I was on the circuit!!!! And darlings let me tell you orgasm leads to exhaustion, which is why I stay at home, read my literature and do facials!!! Like all you girls out there--or that is what you should be doing, girls.

So stay tune, girls. Straight women have Candace/Carrie! Gay men have Michael/The Raving Queen!!!!

Love to all, girls!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Girls, We Have To Get Over This "Sex And The City" Nonsense!!!!!

Darlings, just what are we girls supposed to do? Now that SATC has arrived in movie theaters thousands of those of us who are impressionable, and even those of us who have been around the track are going to be disillusioned over their lives not being defined by the gospel according to Carrie Bradshaw. Well, sweethearts, let me tell you, as far as I am concerned my sex in the city outdoes Carrie and even Samantha's by leaps and bounds. Not just because I know all the fetishes--bet Candance Bushnell and Carrie Bradshaw don't know what FF means--but because in addition to such there is substance and abundance in the way I live my life. I mean, I read books, darling. And not just trash. But serious literature from Jonathan Franzen to Jonathan Safran Foer to Proust. When does anyone in the world of Carrie read?? And what do they read? Fashion ads for products that will become outdated as soon as they buy them? Leading them to buy even more which is what the fashion industry counts on--the gullibility of its customers????

Sweethearts, instead of bemoaning the fact that your life is not "Sex And The City" do what so many of us do instead--look around at the reality of your life and create your OWN SATC. Because it is YOURS it will have more meaning for you than trying to ape Carrie.

As Blanche du Bois said, "I don't want realism, I want magic."

That magic is obtainable if we stay true to ourselves. In Blanche's parlance, you CAN
make enchantment!!!!!