Thursday, March 31, 2011

Girls, This Winner Was Practically Handed To Us!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, honestly, by this morning, I simply had no Bitch Of The Week!!!!! There was a candidate I had considered yesterday, but had to eliminate for good behavior. Then I watched last night's 'SVU' (see previous post) and was prepared to bestow the honor on Elaine Freye Cavanugh, the character portrayed by Lisa Banes in the episode "Totem." Fictional characters have been honored here before, and while "Totem" fell short of being one of the all-time great series episodes, this character ranked right up there with renowned 'SVU' femme fatales like Kate Burton as Annette Cole or Kelli Garner as Britany O'Malley. And for sheer evil, Elaine is outdone only by Isabella Hoffman as Charlotte Bayes in the 2003 "Cold Case" episode, "Churchgoing People."

Then I got wind that this episode was based on a real life case, and I sought to find out who that was, and voila I found the winner.

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch OF The Week Award is Melissa Huckaby!!!!!!!!!!!!


No, lambs, not Joan Rivers' daughter!!!!!!!!!! Listen up!!!!!!!!!!

On March 27, 2009, in Tracy, California--a town I know well, darlilngs, thanks to relations I had in the Sixties living nearby in Banta-- an eight- year-old girl named Sandra Cantu went missing. On April 6, her body, tossed into a suitcase, was found in a watery ravine, not far from the town. On April 10, Melissa Huckaby, a 28 year-old volunteer Sunday school teacher, with an unstable marraige, history of mental illness and a history of unsavory relations with men, was aarrested, and ultimately admitted to murdering and raping the child. This involved drugging her with anxiety meds, taking her to the church, which her grandfather was minister of(!!!!!), violating her with a rolling pin, and strangling her noose-like with some fabric!!!!!!!!!!!!


To make matters worse, she claims she has no idea why she did it. Theorists have pointed to Munchauser by Proxy syndrome, wanting to be the center of attetnion herself, and to prevent Melissa from telling parents or authorities about the molestation.

Well, too bad, Melissa, becasue you were found out anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

She was tried, found guilty and given Life Imprisonment Without Parole. I wonder if she is in San Quentin???????? She should have been given the Death penalty, just like Susan Hayqard in "I Want To Live!" Gas this bitch right now!!!!!!!

At least that other child murdress bitch, Susan Smith, had a comprehensible reason--the man she thought would marry her made it clear he did not want to provide for her children, and she thought that by eliminating them she could have him!!!!!!!!!!! Well, she got her, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, Tracy is a saomewhat respectable community, and the townspeople were shocked by this. Though they should not have been, becasue Melissa was White Trash (is ther any other kind, darlings????) living in the trash section of town. and she had known Sandra, because her own daughter used to play with her!!!!!!! Sick!!!!!!!!!!

Now, Elaine in 'SVU' was strictly Upper Crust, which means more presentable, if no less reprehensible. Sickos come from all strata, loves. But how could Melissa be overlooked as Bitch Of The Week!!!!!!!! Already she is looking good as one of the worst of this year!!!!!!!!! And we have 'SVU' to thank for it!!!!!!!!!!!

And thaks to all my girls out there!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Last Night's 'SVU' Was So Sick And Twisted!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, last night's 'SVU' episode, "Totem" had everything going for it--Jeremy Irons returning in a wonderful performance as Doctor Cap Jackson, a bevy of disturbed femmes, a compelling case and lurid outcome--that should have added up to one of the best in the series, like "Bully" or "Mean." But too many questions here go unanswered.

Let's start with what we saw. There is a traditional opening of two little girls running down a street--from a perp, or what??? Turns out they are playing a game, when one finds an abandoned travel case in front of this church. They unzip it, and inside is a little girl's body. The victim, eight-year-old Marnie Wilson, had been missing since Monday, though we never learn what day she was found, or how many days have elapsed since her disappearance. Flaw number one.

It turns out the victim, Marnie Wilson, was left there, allegedly by the killer. A video camera surveys the scene, but a truck blocks the identity of the person who left it. They talk to sex offenders, Marnie's piano teacher, June Freye, the boyfriend of Marnie's mother. No go. So they decide to stake out the
funeral, thinking the perp will be there. Things look clear, until they catch a
woman running from the scene. It is June, the piano teacher. She is questioned.

At June's house, they look the place over. Jackson notes how everything has stopped in June's house at a certain childhood point--preserving it that way, a la Miss Havisham, because something happened to her, then. Something that brought June's life to a screeching halt. Elliot and Jack go outside, sifting through garbage, and find evidence, along with doll's hair and pillows found indoors, suggesting June might have been Marnie's killer. Meanwhile, Olivia is with June, playing the piano. She excuses herself for a minute, and, using the drug found in Marnie's system, tries to kill herself. She feels guilty--"tell Marnie's parents I am so sorry," she says, but we don't know of what she is actually guilty.

Marnie's schoolmates and teachers are questioned. Nothing. Same with June's other piano students--until a teenage girl says June brushed her off one day, following Marnie's disappearance, when she saw her arguing in front of her house, with an old woman, wielding a cane. The old woman turns out to be Elaine Freye Cavanugh, June's mother, whom June said, had been dead. She lives in a townhouse with a second daughter, Katie, from a previous marriage. Elaine is one piece of work, girls, cold, unyielding, voicing her position on perfection and using discipline to attain it. The SS would have loved HER!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly, Katie, whom I would judge to be in her early twenties, comes in, and, eyeing the police, runs and hides, saying she did not do anything. They find her cowering in a closet. Olivia asks if this is her bedroom, and Katie says yes. Then Elaine finds them, and orders them out--of HER bedroom!!!!!!! Olivia gets it; mother and daughter share the same bed, and have all along, because mother is a sexual abuser. Sick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Haul this bitch off to the canner's !!!!!!!!!

So they get Katie in the interrogation room, a disturbing mixture of cunning adult and disturbed child. You get the impression that, had this dirty little secret not gotten out, Katie would have gone on living with Elaine, being hopelessly dependent on her. In which case institutionalization would have been inevitable, as something would have to be done with Katie, once Elaine died. A confession is coaxed out of her--she showed up at June's, she saw Marnie waiting, thinking she was there for a lesson, invited her inside.....and her impulses took over, resulting in Marnie's death. June got back, discovered what Katie had done, and covers it up by encasing her in the bag and leaving it in front of the church.
Jackson says Katie will be placed in a psychiatric facility, where she will be given help, but she will never be free. Elaine is going to prison for ongoing abuse. June, while absolved of murder, is charged with, however unwittingly, aiding and abetting a crime.

Sick fucks, darlings!!!!!!!! But so many things unanswered, chiefly about Elaine--was she abused herself, and what made her into such. She abused, but she never killed. How much did Elaine know about Katie, prior to her going to June's house, the day of Marnie's death. Did she realize Katie had the capacity to be an abuser and killer herself?????? You have to feel sorrow and revulsion for Katie--getting back at her mother by stealing from Marnie the innocence stolen from her--but how sick and disgusting, at the same time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, lambs, more ground had to be covered in order for this to be one of the best episodes. It came darn close, though. And it is based on the Sandra Cantu case from 2009, which is something else in itself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sick and twisted, darlings!!!!!!!!!! Now, let us go have an ice cream soda, and make ourselves feel like Lana Turner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Girls, What Ever Happened To Randi Kleiner???????????????????????

Oh, my God!!!!!!!! Randi Kleiner!!!!!!!!!! Randi Kleiner!!!!!!!!! Darlings, let me tell you about Randi Kleiner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Back in 2,003, there was this film called "Camp," a very entertaining, narrative account of a group of teens at a summer camp specializing in the performing arts. Everyone said this film was MADE for me, and, honey, it was!!!!!!! This is the place you go to if you are not mainstream, gay, lesbian, or not a jock or jockette!!!!!! Which means it was pefect for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Had I been afforded such an oppotunity when that age.......but let's not go there.

Three years later, emerged a film called "Stagedoor," which nearly slipped my radar. No, girls, this is not another film of the Kaufman-Ferbar play--the one where I play the Andrea Leeds role!!!!!! The most interesting thing in THIS film is the mother-daughter dynamic between Randi and Mrs. Kleiner. Sweeties, it would take "Gypsy" to rival it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Kleiner works at the camp as a registar, so she can keep an eye on HER Randi, and see that HER daughter gets everything she wants!!!!!!!!! Excuse me, I should say "MY Randi!", because throughout the film, that is how the mother refers to her. "My Randi is going to get the lead in the play!" "My Randi is going to college!" "My Randi is going to Cornell!" Meanwhile, Randi has this "deer in the headlights" look, suggesting blind panic at the thought of doing anything displeasing to Mother. It makes me wonder what is going to happen to her.

Honey, I know. It is just like Mrs. Dykeman, back in Highland Park, New Jersey, who put her own daughters, the Misses Debra and Diane Dykeman, on fashion runways when they were 12 years old. I know, because I saw the photos, in the Daily Home News, back in the Fall of 1967, when we were all in seventh grade. And both of them came to bad ends--Debbie dying six years ago of addictions acquired over being unable to deal with the fact that she was no longer Queen Bee,, once she graduated from high school. Diane had the same problem, did not wind up addicted, but is reduced to living a nothing suburban life in the Godforsaken state of Georgia.

I just cannot see a future any different for Randi. Who knows, it may be happening, or has happened, already. Just ask Lindsay Lohan!!!!!!!!!!!!

It just goes to show, darlings, being Alpha does not guarantee happiness. Only adhering to the dictum of the Raving Queen does.

Kiss kiss, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Girls, What Is The Matter With These People!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I know none of MY girls are one of these unfortunate creatures, to call whom such would denote a compassion I simply do not have. I am talking about the thousands, or maybe hundreds, who, over the years, have subjected themselves voluntarily to public humiliation on national television, by appearing on the "Judge Judy Show." You just gotta love Judge Judy; a bitch, who tells it like it is!!!!!!! One after my own heart, loves!!!!!!!!! But with the morons she has to surround herself with every day, it is no wonder she is such a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!

There are two schools of thought about these folk. The first is that they are mental defectives from the House Of Retardation, who flunked Moron 101!!!!!!!! But that would do the genuinely mentally disabled a disservice, not to mention lack of compassion, because they are more with it than these dopes, who, I am convinced, are not so much retarded--though they ARE stupid!!!--as the greatest media whores of all time!!!!!!!!! I never thought I would say this, but even "American Idol" and "Dances With The Stars" has more respectability. Those on "Judge Judy" set themselves up as fools to be scorned at, deservedly, by one who does not suffer fools gladly. Just like the Raving Queen, loves!!!!!!!!!! Imagine if I had a court show!!!!!!! Now THAT would be something!!!!!!!!!!!! I would make Judge Judy look like Mother Teresa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yet there is a guilty pleasure in watching these idiots sadomasochistically humiliate themselves. At least they are not being exploited by the media; they are simply exploiting themselves.

I doubt there is a virgin among them. And the show provides equal opportunity for dumbness--meaning men and women here are equally dumb. But the virgin factor, if it exists, would be cancelled out by the lack of intelligence, so sending one of these dolls to Odo Island would not appease Gojira--he would have too much sense!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just like Judge Judy, yours truly, and all MY girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Let Me Tell You Why Vaudeville Is Dead!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, with all the dashing about Monsieur and I do, we need some down time. But last night we simply HAD to attend the Comedy Benefit at the Actors' Temple, one of the loveliest theatrical spaces in the theater district. If only the program onstage had matched the historicity of the place.

To be sure, Emcee Bob Greenberg paid tribute to such, mentioning Sophie Turcker, the Three Stooges, and others. His Jackie Gleason, having witnessed it at Purim, was masterful, and his rendering of Gleason doing Shakespeare was one of the best things on display. But that Hitchcock impersonation????? Honey, I could have done a better one at five!!!!!!! And then he said he won a contest for impersonating the Master???????? I would like to see the other competition!!!!!!!!!!

Lambs, it was not they were not lacking in talent and spirit, they were just not inspired. Weight jokes, sex jokes, twin brothers jokes that made me cringe......well, it is for a good cause, and while I know no one could afford Joan Rivers, you would think the performers out there plying their trade, up and coming, would be inspired by their more successful predecessors!!!!!!!! But it appears not!!!!!!!!!!!

I was waiting for someone in the audience to yell, "Where's the hook?" I had to endure Monsieur poking me to leave, after about a half hour into the proceedings. We finally split right before 8:30, with things still going full throttle!!!!! In fact, as we snuggled in comfort at 11PM for our nighttime ritual of "The Golden Girls," I mused the show must STILL be going on!!!!!!!! Which is what I was afraid of when I agreed to attend the event!!!!!!!!!

The talent vaudeville produced--Sophie Tucker, W.C.Fields, Fanny Brice, Judy Garland.......none present suggested even a modicum of this kind of talent. Honey I should have got up there and done a few missives from the Raving Queen. We had plenty of Jewish humor, but no Jewish GAY humor!!!!!!!! And I know there are plenty of Jewish homosexuals out there!!!!!!!!! Just look over the list of the NYC chapter of the American Bar Association!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A bar is what I needed after this travesty. Maybe it is a good idea vaudeville is dead; this is no way to bring it back!!!!!!!!!! So, girls, cherish the entertainments that we have, and if you don't like what is out there, make some for yourselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY girls are all talented, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Darlings, I Am Here To Offer Instruction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, with this being Spring, traditionally a season for self-improvement, I want to propose a class that I think is long overdue, incorporating a skill many people need to learn. You can see how so by the photo above.

The course I want to teach is "How To Sip An Ice Cream Soda At The Fountain, Like Lana Turner!!!!!!!!"

First, you will learn proper deportment and posture, something that is lacking in so many people these days. Second, you will develop fashion sense, because you cannot come to class, unless you are dressed in a cardigan or angora sweater. Look what it did for Lana, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

And that is just it. Spring is the season also for discovery, and you know we ALL want to get discovered, like Lana, and this is the time to do it. You know I do, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So if you want to sign up, comment on here, Tell me your favorite soda fountain place, and I will visit, and instruct you in all the right rudiments of this craft!!!!!!!! Before you know it, lambs, you will be the next Lana Turner!!!!!!!!!!

But not before MOI, dears!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, What Has Happened To March?????????????

Girls, here we are, coming down the final stretch of this defining month, and all traditions have gone by the wayside. It used to be said the month "came in like a lion, and went out like a lamb," but I have seen no sign of lamb-ness this month, even with us now in Spring, and Prosperina having returend from Hell. It seemm the lamb of March seems to appear less and less frequently; whether this is just plain bad luck, or global warming, it is hard to fathom. And this as we segue into April, which T.S. Eliot called "the cruelest month," is noted for its "showers," and all this following two traumatic events--the six month anniversary of Tyler Clementi's death, and then the very recent death of Elizabth Taylor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, Mother Nature, give us a break! The song says you are a single woman, too, that you looked up to Heaven, and did what you had to do!!!!!!!! So get busy, doll!!!!!!!!!!! Cozy winter nights need to give way to warm blustery days, where one can lull by the water, and get some fresh air, instead of being cooped up like in a Bronte novel. That act, dolls, only plays so long!!!!!!!!!!!

It remains to be seen what happens. But as we head into the closing days of March, it sure is not the month I remembered. Not that many things are, anymore. But you used to be able to depend on Nature. Now, the only thing one can depend on is a good moisturizer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moisten generously, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Girls, This Started Out As An Email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, let me tell you, I have done a lot of thinking about this. And it began with me contemplating sending an email to my friend, Angela--I have told you about her, girls, right????? We go back to college????? And she has stood, and stands with me in spirit, each September 12 in front of the Waverly (now the IFC Center) when I sing "Frank Mills." My subject bar was going to read "Joyce Maynard and Tyler Clementi," which I am sure would have prompted her to think, WTF???????????

For those girls who don't know, Joyce Maynard is not the reason I write--I have been doing that since grade school, but she is a factor in my writing life. Back in 1972, she published an article in the NY Times Magazine entitled "An Eighteen-Year-Old Looks Back On Life," which became the book, "Looking Back," pictured above. I am not going to recount the whole Salinger thing; you can read Joyce on that for yourselves. However, the combination of her being published and getting fame so young, plus my disagreement with her perceptions of OUR (the Baby Boomers') generation, created a wave of resentment on my part it took me years to release. Once released, I found that, despite our vantage points, there were many areas of life experience (or lack thereof) where we were on the same page.

Now, what has this to do with Tyler Clementi????? It is this--in the wake of the tragedy of his passing, Rutgers is seeking to reduce the potential for more, by creating what it calls "gender neutral" housing. which, as far as I can see, is just another euphemism for co-ed dorms. And while I agree that it is very possible for a young man and woman at that age, to cohabit with mutual respect, it would behoove the University to screen applicants beforehand, because the potential for rampant sex and all its attendant problems, not to mention another tragedy could take place. If the young woman rooming with a gay student is along the lines of, say, Molly Wei, you still have a problem.

In Joyce's more recent book, "At Home In The World," she talked about how, after the Times article appeared, and before leaving Yale for Salinger, she moved into what she called (or, more specifically, what Yale called) a "psychological single." These were rooms of one's own for those needing them. Certainly, in my time at college, such things did not exist. If I wished such, I had to go live in a room off campus, say as a boarder in someone's house. There was one exception at my college, Seton Hall, but that person was, shall we say, truly maladjusted, and he is worthy of a posting here alone, which I will save for another time.

How come, I started thinking, Yale was the only college at the time to offer this??? And why did not other colleges then, and why do not colleges now, offer this option for students in emotional need???? I think if Rutgers had had such arrangements in place, Tyler Clementi would still be alive. Being in a situation where he was still covert, even to himself, he needed as much privacy as he could get, as do all LGBT youth. So, the other day, with Tyler's six month anniversary, I started thinking of that part of Joyce's book, and hence the two came together.

I wonder what Joyce might have to say on this. Or any of my girls, for that matter; and you know you are always free to drop in!!!!!! But I think until schools are willing to go this far, the problem will not be eradicated. Gender neutral is not the answer; psychological singles are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Besides, girls, then you can decorate any damn way you please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Am Ashamed I Forgot The Muffins!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, whether one is a Theater Queen, a studious practitioner of the Dramatic Arts (like Monroe's Miss Caswell in "All About Eve") or have just trod the boards for lo these many years, there are about ten noteworthy properties that, sooner or later, in one way or another, you will cross paths with. And one of these is Oscar Wilde's "The Importance Of Being Earnest."

I have seen, studied and performed this one till I feel it is coming out of my ears. But let me say, actor growth makes a big difference when approaching it, because I discovered a recent felicity for the material I did not have for it my first time out. And this comes with age and experience, lambs.

Speaking as an actress, darlings, I have to say that the role of Miss Prism, which I performed, was, I felt, my most satisfying work since Rhoda Penmark in "The Bad Seed." And, to my fellow members of The LPA Players, I would like to say that, next to "The Bad Seed," this is or best effort since, the only other one I would venture, with a few directorial tweaks and shadings, to put before a live audience.

Where to start? Well, our company ingenue, Emily made a lovely Cecily, with the most delicately shaded line readings, the kind you never heard from Reese Witherspoon, let me tell you!!!!!!! And that Reese--blowing off men the way she has, ever since Ryan Phillipe left!!!!!! Not our Emily!!!!!!!!!! Her Cecily was a treasure. Then there was Amy in the coveted role of Lady Bracknell. She aced the British accent as though it were her 300th performance. What is more, she bought a lightness and fun to the role, that Judi Dench certainly lacked. The way Dench played it was one step from the Gorgon mother portrayed by Shelley Winters in "A Patch Of Blue." No wonder I was so impressed by Quentin Crisp years ago. And Miss Tanisha did a Gewndolyn with such authority and poise you would swear she had graduated from Miss Porter's. I can assure you, both Princess Lee Radizwill and Gloria Vanderbilt would have been impressed. As for the men, they were sublime. John, our group novice, demonstrated a range stretching all the way, as I have said, to Shelley Duvall. I cannot wait to see him play L.A. Joan in "Nashville," though I could see him in the Barbara Harris role, too. But he made a PERFECT Algernon--cheerful, witty and glib; I only wish we could have scrounged up a nice seersucker suit to dress him in, making him look like a nice, scrumptious cupcake!!!!!!!! Playing opposite him as Jack, Steve brought years of professional experience to a carefully nuanced reading that rather elevated Jack to a social stature I had hitherto not thought of him as being. He and Gwendolyn were perfect for each other.
As was Charlie for Dr. Chausuble. What was refreshing was he avoided all the Donald Crispisms, Cecil Kellaway overtones, or Henry Travers mannerisms one might associate with this role, using his stentorian quality to lend not only a genuine clerical authority to the role, but, equally important, making my job as Miss Prism to have the hots for him that much easier--Cecil, Henry, or Donald just would not have cut it!!!!!!! And, of course, Wendy, our hostess, coordinator and provider of a Britsh repast.

I have to say the repast was the best. Who would have thought Pimm's Cups would he such a hit? I loved the cucumbers and cheese, and poor Daisy, who had to perform domestic duties in this play did some real ones with the mac and cheese, which was yummy!!!!!!!! She looked as radiant as always, and we cannot wait for her next Amy Adams role!!!!!! I must apologize; there is as much muffin eating in the latter part of this play as there had been in the famous "Seinfeld" "Muffin Tops" episode, and I wished I had provided some for John/Algernon to wolf down!!!!!! And some Earl Grey tea should have been on hand; for which I must apologize too.

These minutiae aside, the LPA Players should be proud of their success with Oscar Wilde, one not everyone, myself included, expected. Now that we have mastered this technically tricky text, the path is wide open. Where shall we go from here????????

Straight to a TONY Award, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

All Right, Girls: Here It Is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I know, I know! From the first time I found out from my matinee idol coworker, Victor, that Elizabeth Taylor had left this world, I was emotionally devastated. What can be said, that has not been said already? For those of us who grew up with her, she was our "first" movie star. For those born too much past the "star system," she was also the "last" star, too. And in the 60s, next to Jackie and Jack, then Jackie and Ari, Liz and Dick were THE most famous couple in the world!!!!!

I never went through an Elizabeth Taylor phase, because--how could I EVER hope to be her???? To be as stunning as THAT???? To look SO good in a white bathing suit??????

Gay men loved Liz for her support and courage, her graciousness, all of which is what made her an icon. But none of us wanted to BE her!!!!! It was just unthinkable!!!!!!!!

She was a part of the collective unconscious for so long, accepting her departure will be difficult. And she left behind some wonderful work. To me, she will be always wearing the white bathing suit from "Suddenly, Last Summer."

So, farewell, Elizabeth Taylor. You were, and will remain, quite a gal!!!!!!!!!!

Love to you from me and my girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Girls, We Have Ourselves This Week A Classic Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, remember when we started this column a year back, with les soeurs Pain???? Do you know what inspired that? It was none other than a recounting of the case, published in that previous Sunday's NY Daily News, in a feature they have been running for years, called the "Justice Story."

Well, this year we have another "Justice Story", with another winner!!!!!

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is Mary Beth Tinning.

What a bitch!!!!! She marries Joe Tinning in 1965, and it seems like one of those marriages, where every time she looks at him, she gets pregnant. Didn't this woman ever hear of birth control? She had over half a dozen children, many of whom seemed to die mysteriously, from things ranging from meningitis to SIDS, whenever she was alone. Tinning was convicted for the murders of three of her children, though I am sure she killed more. She is being held for Life in a prison in upstate New York. She is classified as a serial killer and her deaths are Mucnschausen by proxy!!!! Or so is said.

Remember the character of Annie Wilkes, memorably played by Kathy Bates, in the film version of Stephen King's novel, "Misery?" It would not surprise me if Mary Beth caught King's attention and figured in his creation of Annie's character.

And of course what makes her such a bitch is that in spite of the mounting suspicion, she and Joe kept having children, who often died. Obviously, they liked sex, so either clam up or get a vasectomy!!!!!!!!! I mean, things could have been prevented???? Was it religion??????? Stupidity????????? I suppose we will never know!!!!!!!!!

But by not stopping Mary Beth earned herself a place in serial killer history, and now the honor of being named Bitch Of The Week by the Raving Queen. Way to go, Mary Beth!!!!!!!!! Thank God she is post menopause!!!!!!!!! Wonder what happened to hubby Joe?????? If he was smart, he would have split!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Split your sides silly, girls, Mary Beth is one great Bitch Of The Week, and congratulations to her on that!!!!!!!!!

And love to all MY girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, "Bombshell" Was A Hoot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, last night's episode of 'SVU' was the first new one since "Bully," with Kate Burton as the Boss From Hell. This was not a benchmark segment, like that one, but it had some real howlers, going for it.

It starts with a couple in a parking garage, being approached by a bleeding man, stabbed in the crotch, the knife seemingly lodged into and sticking out from his genitalia. Certainly an attention grabber, darlings!!!!! By the time Olivia and Elliot show up at the hospital, he is alive, but has lapsed into a come. They have found out his name is Jerry Brunner.

They question Brunner's wife, and let me tell you, she is one uptight piece of work, with a daughter who, given how things turn out, will grow up deeply disturbed. She talks the talk about a business trip to Washington DC, but they are not buying it, and honey, neither am I. Further search leads to this guy, Aldo, a seemingly homeless guy, who is suffering from some fatal form of insomnia common to families from a certain area of Italy. Sweeties, they never talked about this on "The Golden Girls." They find that Jerry was seen coming in and out of this doorway entrance, where others--both men and women--go, then emerge. It turns out to be The Swing Set, a sex club that advertises online, and recruits by invites from current members.

Before you can say, "Action!" Olivia and Elliot are on the prowl, posing as a swinging hubby and wife at the sex club. Now, honey, I know my sex clubs--albeit only gay male ones!!!!!!!--but I can tell you, the one depicted here was about as tame as a late 50's cocktail party. Hardly any garments were removed, and barely the hint of sleaze.

They discover that Jerry had a thing for one of the regulars, Cassandra, and that his wife, once she admits to their "lifestyle", was allegedly fine with it, as it spiced up their sex life. Hon, this broad is just not telling the truth. And neither, as it turns out is Cassandra, who gives Elliot a hard luck story about her ex boyfriend, Doug, harassing her in the place. He and Olivia buy it, at first, but, during a stakeout at Cassandra's place, where they see her come out, meet Doug, and kiss him as though in the throes of first love, they know they have been had.

It turns out that Cassandra and Doug are a couple of sex grifters, who play upon vulnerable men at these places, and them drain them financially. And this is what they were doing with Jerry, too, which is why his wife got outraged--he was draining their personal funds and the college fund of their daughter, so he could be with this skank. Which is why she confronted him, and, enraged, stabbed him. She is nutso, too--going to swinger sex clubs, then stabbing hubby for the same thing!!!! What a piece of work!!!!!!!!!!!

But, wait, it gets better! The detectives find a string of aliases for both Cassandra and Doug, as well as a link to the murder of a sex club member in Florida. When they get the data from the FPD, they are stunned--it turns out the grifters are siblings, twins, and carrying on an incestuous relationship!!!!!!!! Holy crap!, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they tell Jerry, who has posted bail for both Cassandra and Doug, he says he has a "special gift" for her. Stabler and Benson run to his place, which is blood spattered. Jerry has killed Doug, so he and Cassandra can be together. Cassandra walks in and finds this, and falls apart. Jerry has lost everything--his livelihood, wife, daughter, freedom, and now Cassandra. What a sicko!!!!!!!!

The scene fades out on Cassandra, sobbing in the dead brother's arms!!!

Girls, what a hoot!!! I think it should have ended with that sleaze, Jerry, putting a gun to his head, and blowing his brains out!!!!!!! This is what he deserved!!!!!!!!! Or Cassandra doing it for him!!!!!!!!!! But can you believe this--passing all this off as New York City tawdriness, when the Raving Queen, darlings, knows the real thing, especially from those far back days of spinsterhood?????? Give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!! You know when the wife complained Jerry was too "vanilla?" So was this episode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY vanilla is only Hagen Dasz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Darlings, Last Night They Broadcast My Favorite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, of course I am talking about my favorite 'SVU' episode, entitled "Mean," which was first broadcast in February of 2,004. It certainly has personal associations for me, but more to the point, I know what case this episode was based on. So let's start there, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, if you want to read about the case for yourselves, there are two books, "Little Lost Angel" by Michael Quinlan and "Cruel Sacrifice" by Aphrodite Jones. I have read the latter, which was my introduction to this grisly story.

But let me say something about Shanda's parents, who, for all intents and purposes seemed like good people who cared about their daughter. Nevertheless, I have to question why they would allow a 12 year old girl to hang out with girls 15-17years of age, a good deal older than she, and why said girls would want to hang out with someone so much younger. Especially at that age.

Nevertheless, on the night of January 11, 1992, Shanda Sharer was kidnapped, bound and thrown into the trunk of a car in her hometown of Madison, Indiana. Her perpetrators were her alleged friends--Melinda Loveless, 16; Laurie Tackett, 17; Hop Rippey, 15; and Toni Lawrence, 15.

The motive was one of jealousy--namely that of Melinda's for Shanda seeing this girl, Amanda Heavrin, for whom Melinda held a lesbian attachment.

Shandra was abducted, thrown into the car, and taken to an abandoned house, known as the Witch's Castle, where she was stabbed, strangled with rope, having her body sprayed with Windex, then being set afire, and left to die!!!!!!!!!! The remains of Shandra were not found here, but at U.S. 421, a place known as Proving Ground.

All 4 of these monstrous bitches were tried as adults and should have gotten the Death penalty. They pleaded down, with Melinda and Laurie Tackett getting the worst of it, 60 years in Indiana Women's Prison, where they still are and will, presumably and deservedly, rot. Toni Lawrence was sentenced to 20 years, but was released in 2,000, which was a mistake. Maybe she will be walking down the street, and someone will take a shot at her!!!!! I would be careful, Toni, if I were you!!!!!!! Same goes for Hope Rippey, who also received a 60 year sentence but was released in 2,000.

"Mean" pretty much follows the trajectory of the incident--it even takes place during the month of January!!!!--with two differences. There are three perps, instead of four, and the jealousy motive was heterosexual, not lesbian.

But here is what happens.

Stabler and Benson get called to the site of an abandoned car. Inside is the mutilated corpse of a teenage girl. She has been cut, bound, and burnt with cigarettes. She is identified as Emily Sullivan, 16, of Westchester. Her father, Greg, reported her and the car missing when she did not show up for school that day.
Emily and her clique--Brittany O'Malley, Paige Summersby and Andrea Kent--were your typical teen alpha bitches. They deny knowing anything about Emily, but Olivia right away spots a phony ruse on Brittany's cell phone, to throw off her father. They said Emily was afraid of being caught trying to sneak out, that she was supposed to have a big, romantic date with this 20 something guy, a New York actor named Lucas Croft. He is questioned, says he went out once, but when he found out her true age, he broke it off. His story checks out.

Meanwhile, Emily's cell phone has gone missing, and is traced to someone at a nearby Comic Books shop making calls on a sex line. He is fantasizing about Kathleen Turner, when she was skinny, which should call into question his sexuality, I am telling you!!!!!!! They find him guiltless of the murder. But the phone reveals a string of messages from Brittany--nothing unusual there, but a series of derogatory messages sent by Emily to, it turns out, a girl named Agnes Linsky.

Agnes' father is questioned. He says they have been trying to get a restraining order against Emily, who has been harassing the overweight, unpopular teen, for two years. He delivers the classic line, "She made my daughter's life miserable. And, God help me, I'm not a bit sorry she is dead."

The next day, when Olivia questions Agnes, she pretty much says the same thing. But she gives good cause--Emily and she were friends when little, then it changed with age. At nine, Agnes' mother died, and Emily started the rumor she left because she could not stand how ugly Agnes was. Then she got a fake screen name and emailed Agnes, pretending to be a boy she liked. For this, she gets pushed into the mud, and ridiculed. Agnes says she knows she should ignore it, but it builds to a point where you don't want to get out of bed. Honey, I know all about THAT, because I have been there!!!!!!!!!!

Agnes is the prime suspect, but Olivia does not think she killed Emily.
Meanwhile, Brittany is attacked at school by Agnes' brother, Troy. He says he did it to get back at her for texting nude photos she took on her cell of Agnes in gym class. He shows them to Stabler. They are real. At the ER, Brittany tries to bitchily blow off Olivia, then confesses she did what she did to get back at Agnes for killing Emily, who was her best friend.

Everyone seems stumped. Then the M.E. tells them the cuts were inflicted with manicure scissors, and dyed blonde hair and pink nail polish were found on the victim's body. Now they have three key suspects--and Agnes is off the hook!

The girls are arrested and brought in. It looks like emily was killed, because Brittany wanted to test the friendship, asking Lucas, whom she was dating, to hiot on her, except Emily went for Lucas. Page and Andrea say Brittany did everything; they stood there and watched, horrified. When Brittany finds out what they are saying, she loses it. Casey Novak says another classic line--"No, they're monsters. They're mean, vicious little girls, who think they can do whatever they want, and up until now, they have gotten away with it. But no more."

In order to avoid a life term in prison, Brittany agrees to testify against Andrea and Page, saying they held Emily down, pushed her back inside the car, were left alone with her while she (Brittany) went to get cigarettes and did not free her. Andrea, on the stand, is found to be wearing Emily's class ring; she says Page gave it to her, Page turns on Andrea, with another classic line, "You liar! You took her Prada purse!" The jig is up for the girls; they are found guilty and sent off to the prison they deserve. Too bad the parents were not sent, too, for raising such monsters!!!!!!!!!!!

But in the piece de resisitance, Elliot gets a call that gunshots were fired at Tanner Day Academy, the school. They go to a cordoned, roped off area. From a ceiling, they see a hanging dead pig, and on the locers is written in red, maybe blood, "Agnes The Pig Squealed!" A body is discovered; a popular senior girl has been shot. Olilvia sees Agnes being led out, and read her Miranda rights. She asks what happened, and Agnes gives the classic closing line--

"They went to jail. And it didn't make any difference.
It was never going to stop. No matter what anyone did.
It was never going to stop."

Honey, when I first saw this, it blew me away. It could have been my high shcool, in Highland Park, New Jersey, let me tell you! But we did not have the technology. But I CAN tell you who the Brittany, Andrea and Page of MY day would have been--the Misses Debra and Diane Dyukeman, and Debby Germann. All of whom today are washed up. Debra Dykeman died six years ago, coming to a bad end. The other two are suburban nothings who haven't done anything with their lives. Let them rot!!!!!!!! I am surprised the same murder sceneario did not unfold back in my day.

This is MY all-time favorite episode in the series. I have LIVED it!!!!!
And it should be seen as a wake-up call to bullying. Especially in the face of the more recent Tyler Clementi tragedy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bully for you, 'SVU'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Darlings, Good Gravy!!!!!!!!!!! From Franco-American!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, especially those of a Certain Age, remember back when we were young, and oh so striving for sophistication??? When "My Little Margie" on TV gave us insight into the adult world--living in a hotel suite in New York City with a RICH Daddy, buying clothes, having luncheon smartly dressed--honey, we were on our way!!! Bur remember how sophisticated we thought Swanson TV Dinners were????? And ESPECIALLY a meat sandwich--turkey or roast beef--placed over white bread, with the appropriately flavored Franco- American gravy over it, adorned with a garnish of Ocean Spray Cranberry Sauce???????? Loves, we just thought it was the HEIGHT of sophistication, better than those junky chicken nuggets kids eat today. What will they think passes for sophistication--a salad bar in a Food Court??????????

It just makes me long for the old days--go home, get into my jammies and have one of these childcentric, sophisiticated meals, and relive the glory days of early childhood sophistication and elegance!!!!!!! Franco- American paved the way, let me tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess this just demonstrates how exhausted I am from the past weekend, not to mention scrubbing convent floors, and taking care of the lepers up on Cabrini Boulevard. And then tomorrow night I have to perform the role of Miss Prism in the Oscar Wilde classic, "The Importance Of Being Earnest." I just need to collapse!!!!!!!!!

So is it any wonder I want to curl up, with Franco- American???? More sophisticated than that damned Olive Garden, I can tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, So We Were. So We Are. How Shall We Be??????????

Darlings, let me tell you, six months ago today, the photo above went from being obscure--one not to be seen except by family, friends and contemporaries--to iconicized--seen and known by everyone over the world.

I am talking about the now famous Facebook photo of Tyler Clementi.

Six months ago today, the world lost a sweet, talented, and vulnerable young man. A young man who enjoyed helping people, was talented at many things (everyone talks about his musicianship, few mention his prowess on the unicycle, which I think is fantastic!!!!!!!), and had so many things to contribute. Apparently, his chosen field was going to be medicine, which speaks to how truly bright he was, and I think he would have made strides in this field, whether he became a physician or anything else health related.

And today, like the quiet, but classy people they semm to be showing every evidence of being, Tyler's parents, Joe and Jane Clementi, have stated that while they want the roommate, Dhran Ravi, prosecuted, to demonstrate how this went far beyond being a prank and an extreme violation of a person's privacy and individual rights, they do not want him to suffer what they call " a harsh punishment."

Hats off to you, Joe and Jane!!!!!!!!!! We who salute you and Tyler will abide by your wishes.

Speaking as the Raving Queen, though, I think this prosecutory wish should also extend to Molly Wei. She participated in it openly with Ravi, and as I have said she was twice in the unique position of being able to stop this, of saying to her friend and classmate, "No, this is wrong, we should not do this!" But did she???????? No!!!!!!!!!!!! So I think she should be included.

But if the Clementis do not wish it, so be it. They have been active in establishing scholarships in Tyler's name to honor his memory, and I stand ready to help that honor be continued.

Six months later, it still hurts. It hurts that Tyler is not here to fulfill the promise he so capably showed. It hurts his friends and family to be deprived of his company and comfort. But if the Clementis can take the high road, who are we not to follow their lead????

I say make this a day of remembrance for Tyler. Honor and think about the good he did, the sweet thing he was, and pray for his eternal peace.

And realize that because of Tyler, things will never be the same!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Girls, Today Prosperina Comes Back From Hell!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, you would not know it to look at it, but today is actually the First Day Of Spring!!!!!!!!! Le Sacre Du Printemps!!!!!!!!!! Meaning Winter is now history, so good riddance to that sour bitch!!!!!!!!! And now Prosperina comes back from Hell, where she has been forced to be with her enforced husband Pluto, leading her mother, Demeter, to shed tears, that lead to Fall and Winter. But with Prosperina popping back, Demeter is happy, so things will bloom again, giving us Spring and Summer!!!!!!!!!!

How exciting, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Except it still looks and feels like Winter outside, so get busy, Demeter, and welcome back your daughter!!!!!!!!!! We are now awaiting that "Doctor Zhivago" promised hope of Spring. Hope DOES spring Eternal, lambs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This post Wintry weather is not doing any of us good!!!!!! With ME with a migraine and Monsieur a sinus headache!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we look forward to the promise ahead, loves!!!!!!!!! Welcome back to Earth, Prosperina!!!!!!!!! Spread that lovin' all around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And spread yours, too, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Sometimes You Just HAVE To Be A Bitch!!!!!!!!!!

So, girls, just a block from Monsieur's there is is this hitherto lovely restaurant called the Paris Commune. It used to be on Bleecker Street for years, but is now on Bank. I never went to its former location, but I have gone several times with Monsieur to Bank Street, and, at least early on, we had some delightful times there. The food was served attractively, tasted exquisitely, and the lovely waiter, Cody, was so accommodating. As far back as October, we had a huge group brunch there that went off smoothly. My sister came into town, and dined with us there for Thanksgiving!!!!!!

But, darlings, sometime over the course of the turning of the year, a malign malevolence seeped into the place, coroding its quality. The service has gone down. You get your salad, water and/or wine pronto, but you have to ASK for bread???? And then a good forty minutes to an hour waiting for meals that, are frankly, basic---meat loaf and potatoes and veggies, roasted chicken, etc. I mean, come on!!!!!!

Monsieur and I had a hard day, shopping and hauling laundry and foodstuffs back and forth. My back was near broke, I can tell you!!!! And this after a full week of scrubbing convent floors, and tending to lepers!!!!!

Well, since it was close by, and we felt like a treat, we decided to treat ourselves to a visit to Paris Commune, thinking maybe things had improved, or our last visit was a temporary setback!!!!!

Girls, those lepers could have done a better job!!!!!! We had this same waiter, Mr. Entitlement, who you could tell resented being a waiter, and further resented he was not Barak Obama, even though he did not want to do any work for it!!!! We were all tired, so I was a bit cranky at the start. And after we placed our order, and the waiter came back to our table to ask AGAIN what I had ordered, I knew there was going to be trouble!!!!!! And there was!!!!!!!!!

We got our water, my wine, and salad, which I will say was delicious!!!! But then Monsieur had to ASK for bread, butter and olive oil, which should have been standard procedure!!!!! It was good, I must say!!!! But they could not even handle our friend Avive's simple request--a bowl of chicken soup, with a crust, making it look like a pot pie, and then she said it was not hot enough, and had to be sent back!!!! How do you ruin chicken soup?????? But at least Avive got her meal in a timely manner; poor and Monsieur and I sat and waited a good 45 minutes for our not very complex entrees to appear. At one point the waiter appologized for the delay, with some lame excuse about tables and kitchen, as if we were less important as customers than the larger tables. If I had had any sense, or was not tired enough to think clearly, THAT is when I would have gotten on the phone to call ANNA!!!!!!!!
Honey, the time to appologize is when you bring the meal; don't excuse the inexcusable and then make us wait FURTHER. Which is what he did!!!!!!!

The real corker was when our meals arrrived, because that is when THIS BITCH hit the fan!!!!!!!!!!!!! Neither was attractively presented; mine especially looked like vomit!!! "THIS is NOT what I ordered, " I screamed, whereupon the Maitre'D, or whatever the Hell he was, tries to defend this inadequacy by saying that it is being prrepared in a new way, and has been so for two months!!!!! Well, darling, how about making that clear on the menu???? And providing enough light to read it????
Then this pissy little tyrant gets uppity with me, when I refuse to eat something that looks like aborted frozen crap calculated to give one food poisoning, seemed to have potatoes scraped from the plate, as a second thought--"Oh, wait, don't give him potatoes!!!--and he had the nerve to suggest I should eat THIS???? Well, I tried; we had been waiting SO long, and poor Avive just had to sit through all this, having already finished her meal. It was like eating food from Goat Alley, and had no flavor.

So I tell Mr. Uppity I refuse to eat it, and he calls me rude!!!!! After the treatment, not only I, but all of us, had been getting?????? Then he offers to ake me sometjhing else???? By now it was ten o'clock; I do not have time to wait till midnight to eat!!!!! Mr. Uppity and his Toady waiter should have gone down on the floor and cleaned my shoes with their tongues!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I felt bad for Monsieur and Avive, who had to witness this. All I wanted was to get out of there, go home, and never come back. Which we did!!!!! And Monsieur scraped up something for me, which was infinitely betteer than the dreck this place tried to pass off!!!! I am telling you, the Good Stuff Diner is better than this; the food is always wonderful, and so is the service, especially the marvelous Valentine!!!!!

The one thing I regret NOT doing last night was marching into the ktchen, and bitch slapping the staff!!!!! Someone SHOULD have!!!! But, know that I am the Raving Queen, and knowing the power of this blog, and that they did NOT, I knew what I was going to do!!!! And so I have, and here we are!!!!!!!

Vive le revolution!!!! Down with Tyrants!!!! I am actually, thinking, darlings, of staging a protest outside there, with me dressed as Madame de Farge, knitting!!!!! Before you can say "Waverly Inn," they will be out on their fannies!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember, girls, sometimes it PAYS to be a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Happy Purim, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, believe me, I am coming to this as a novice!!!!!! Would you believe there was a time when I did not know the difference between "purim" and "pogrom?"
Honestly, there was this one time years ago, when I was very young, where a Jew For Jesus handed me a pamphlet, and I looked at him, and asked, "Did you do your pogrom, last night?" He looked at me with a combination of hurt and anger. I think "purim" was the word I was going for, but it came out "pogrom," which I thought then was an interchangeable term!!!! Imagine my mortification, when I found out, loves!!!! But, I mean, this was well before I was reading Chaim Potok, when all my knowledge of Judaism came EXCLUSIVELY from the Original Broadway Cast Album of "Funny Girl!!!!!!"

So it was armed with greater knowledge that Monsieur and I attended last night's Purim celebration at the Actors' Temple!!!! A poster on the way in promised a "Honeymooners' Purim," which I took to mean a special ceremony for newlyweds.

What did I know???? After the service, during which the generallly dignified Rabbi Jill let lose with a series of squawks and cackles that reminded me of Martha Raye, not to mention hitting some vocal notes I had not heard since Patti LuPone first did "Evita," we were treated to a production sketch celebrating Purim, whose concept was to combine the structure of a "Honeymooners" sitcom episode, with parodied song lyrics set to melodies from "Grease."

I had to worry; from where I was sitting, I saw the script pages, and I feared we were in for something as long as "August:Osage County." Some of the performers were quite engaging, especially the guy playing Ralph Kramden, Doug, doubling as piano accompanist and Ed Norton (who was spot on in his Art Carney impersonation), and Florence, looking like Rollereena off skates, as Alice's Mother!!!!!! The highlight of the evening was Rabbi Jill, who, dressed in a gorgeous flowing gown, threw herself into the musical comedy with such verve I honestly expected she was going to burst forth and do "The Music And The Mirror" from "A Chorus Line."

But that was just onstage. The other show was in the audience.

First, if some of these people were critics, theater might not exist!!!!!!
Poor Herb, crammed into the front, seemed so uncomfortable, I thought we would have to leave early. David, the guy next to me, not only slept through most of it, but then left before it was over; as Monsieur explained to me, he had to get back by curfew or else get locked out!!!! And HE had to get past this wannabe female with her bag, who moved with the speed of a nursing home patient, who was not going to give up HER space for ANYONE!!!! Meanwhile, behind us, those two fun loving cut ups, Alvin and Lorraine, snuggled together, with Lorraine struggling to keep the sleeping Alvin from embarrassing them both. Between us, girls, I think they spent the night at Lorraine's place, but just snuggling, nothing nasty, I can tell you!!!!!!!! Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! Poor Alvin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was so much show going on both ways--on and offstage--I sometimes could not figure out where to focus. Good thing we had that chicken dinner beforehand!!!!
And the excursion to Walgren's for Herb's Slim Fast cleared our minds afterwards. Only, honey, Herb does not need Slim Fast!!!!! All he needs is to do "A Chorus Line," which I could certainly teach him!!!!!!

But a joyous Purim evening was had by all!!!! Who knew being Jewish could be such fun???? All us Catholics do is scrub stone floors and service lepers!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, in the immortal words of BABS, it was more fun than a bagle on a plate full of onion rolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Movie Really "Cracked" Me Up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, it seems like so long that I have seen a narrative film--nothing but documentaries for me, lately, loves!!!!--that I practically ran to the IFC Theater to see Jordan Scott's (Ridley's daughter)debut feature, "Cracks." I was all psyched to see this, you better believe, with the New York Times review by Stephen Holden describing the whole thing as a cross between "Lord Of The Flies," "The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie", "Heavenly Creatures" and "The Children's Hour," I thought this is the thing for ME!!!!!!! Well, loves, it was, but oh, what a tangled web it weaves.

There is one absolutely dumb thing about the film, and that is the title. Now, I do not know if the Sheila Kohler novel on which it was based had the same title, but that is the one thing that could have been improved. Oh, add "Shutter Island" and "The Beguiled" to the list of films it references!!!!!!!!!

Now, you know, as soon as you hear the story is set at a girls' boarding school, that there is going to be trouble!!!! At St. Mathilde's, an isolated place on an island off the Irish coast, I can tell you the standard text is "The Well Of Loneliness" by Radclyffe Hall. In fact, the rather ambiguous opening, that has the central characters--a young girl named Di (Juno Temple) and a teacher, Miss G (Eva Green) in a boat, with the girl thanking her for loaning a book to her, I had no doubts, darling, about what that book was!!!!! I also thought the film was going to be some kind of flashback. Except it was not....or was it????????

Basically, Di is the Alpha Girl of Miss G's diving team. Until a girl from Spain, Fiamma, shows up, and, with her distant manner, superior diving skills, stunning beauty, and asthma inhaler, you know damn well there is trouble ahead!!!!!

But the film confounds expectations. For example, it sets up Di as this film's Mary Tilford, but eventually she turns out to be a moralisitc sort. It sets up Miss G, the teacher (Eva Green) as a free thinking, Miss Brodie sort, but then we find she both is and isn't; she is ultimately rather pathetic........and lethal!!!!!!!!!

Miss G would have the girls believe she is the center of the world, and of Life Experience, with the travels she has done, and plans to do. Yet, as we learn, she has been at the school since she herself was a student, and never left. So she is physically and emotionally isolated, sexually repressed, and lesbian, to boot!!!!
A ticking time bomb!!!!! But at least she is an attractive lipstick lesbian, and not a fat, ugly, beans and franks one!!!!!!!!

Fiamma is the force that detonates the bomb. She upstages Di, becoming Miss G's favorite, which sets Di off. She unleashes Miss G's lesbian inclinations. And all explode one night, when, during the Midnight Feast Of St. Agnes, Fiamma gets drunk and passes out, Miss G takes her to her room, and makes graphic lesbian advances to her, which Di sees peering through the door. Poor Fiamma gets the worst of it, being treated the next day, as a sacrificial lamb, who has to be eliminated to "protect" Miss G. So the girls chase her into the woods, and beat her within an inch of her life, then, while she is gasping for breath, unable to find her inaler, the guilt ridden girls go for help. But Di again sees something she should not....Miss G finds Fiamma, and, because the girl rebuffed her lesbian advances, holds her in her arms, and lets her die, knowing full well where the inhaler is, and keeping Fiamma's hand from reaching it!!!!!!!!! Die, Miss G, you evil bitch!!!!!!!!
Di sees alll this, and Miss G sees her, so the Irish jig is up!!!!! The girls spurn Miss G, tossing their diving ribbons at her feet in scorn, she is forced to leave the school, and Di goes travelling, and that is the end.

I know what you are thinking, girls--Huh?????? To which I have to ask--what does the opening scene mean????? And where is Di going at the end???? As for Miss G, she is finished after the school; we last see her in a hotel room in the village???? Is she/does she kill herself, which is what I pretty much expected????? We never know!!!!!

Adding to the confusion, Stephen Holden, in his review, says Eva Green's performance as Miss G is on"the same arc as Glenn Close in 'Fatal Attraction'".
Oh, really, doll???????? Miss G suffers from spinster lesbian sexual repression; Alex Forrest was anything BUT; she had NO impulse control whatsoever. Which is why Miss G's allowing Fiamma to die is supposed to be so shocking, but sweetie, it did not surprise me one bit. An emotionally unstable lesbian killing the one who spurned her--one who was young, pretty, had life and the world ahead, which Miss G did not--no surprise to me, she kills her!!!!!!!!!

But it is surprising a relatively straightforward movie offers no explanations for outcomes of key happenings. It tosses in ambiguity almost as a second thought, along with all the other generic formulae. But we had such fun at "Cracks", girls!!!
Too bad Shellley Winters was not alive to make a token appearance!!!!!!

It just goes to show how much "The Well Of Loneliness" holds up today!!!!! Some lesbians like to pooo poo it, but, believe me, it still informs their lives!!!! Especially the ugly ones!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank God, girls, you have moi to inform you!!!!!!!! Besides, none of MY girls are ugly!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Oooooooooh, Pllllllleeeeeeeeaase Don't Leave Me, All By Myself!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I almost feel obligated to write the following, in the wake of yesterday, as I do not want anyone out there to think, with my tribute, my paean of praise to Aunt Jemima, that I am racist!!!!!!!!!!!

If I were, I would never have done a tribute. But, girls, I have been on the forefront of things, ever since the 1960s, when, as a precocious tot, I would get up and perform "Love Child," with all the gestures, every time it played on the radio!!!!! I mean, I really wanted to be Diana Ross and the Supremes!!! Of course, that was just the beginning, what with following Martin Luther King and Joan Baez on their crusades for human justice!!!!!! I have been on the periphery for ages, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My tribute to Aunt Jemima was done out of LOVE, and not anything else!!!! I mean, I saw the original "Drreamgirls," loves, and all the Gay Theater Queens supported that!!!!!! So if anyone out there has the audacity to call me racist, all I have to say to you, hush yo' mouf, an' go bak to duh plantation!!!!!!!!!!

See you at MY plantation, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Darlings, We Just LOVE Aunt Jemima!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, girls, I meant to write about this as far back as Shrove Tuesday, which would have been very apropos!!!!!!! But nobody needs an excuse to eat pancakes, so why not now?????????

Honey, from the time the Raving Queen took his first steps on Earth, the association of pancakes with Aunt Jemima was inseparable!!!!!! And no brand of pancakes would do, save hers!!!!!!!! I just loved the orange package, with the picture, in the upper left hand corner, of her with the smiling face, and kerchiefed head!!!! Obesity gets such a bum rap today, but Aunt Jemima made it jolly and fun!!!! And let me tell you, darlings, that kerchief was important!!!!!!!! Just recently, in this cleaned up political age, she was given a twentieth century permanent, in an attempt to make her look like Maidie Norman as Elvira in 'Baby Jane'. But Elvira scowled--how could she not, working for those two crazy broads???????--and Jemima's smile did not fool us one bit!!!! But she just did not look right, without that kerchief!!!!!!! I mean, what is the big deal; Heather Menzies wore one for part of the time she was playing Louisa Von Trapp in "The Sound Of Music!!!!!"

I say let us reclaim the TRUE Aunt Jemima!!!!! Bring back the kerchief!!!!!!
Down with the denigration of fat people!!!!!!!!Keep them jolly!!!!!!!!!

When I first saw "Gone With The Wind", I first thought Hattie McDaniel was the box model for Aunt Jemima!!!! As it turns out, several different women portrayed her, starting with Nancy Green back in the 30's, then Anna Robinson, and finally, Edith Wilson, who, between 1948 and 1966, was the Aunt Jemima my peers knew. And it looks like the makeover she got recently was based on that image!!!! Wonder what Edith would think of the new look????

The pancakes are STILL delicious, darling!!!!!!!! But without that jolly, fat cheeked, kerchiefed domestic, it just doesn't seem the REAL thing!!!!!

What has happened to Democracy???? Keep Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and Eustis (the "Cream Of Wheat" chef) as they should be!!!!!!!!

Eats 'em up, honeychile'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, It Is Time To Get Pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, darlings, while most of the Signs of Spring are happy, there are some bits of sadness to mark this seasonal arrival. For starters, we are just three days--March 22, to be exact--from the six month anniversary of Tyler Clementi's passing, which I am sure all us Tyler admirers, not to mention his family and friends, cannot help but be aware of. Let's face it, loves, for those of us who were alive when it happened, the turning of Summer to Fall will always signal Tyler's departure anniversary!!!!!!!

And now we have something else to remember Spring by!!!!!!!!!!!

There is this blog which I just LOVE called Queens Crap, devoted to that august borough. Now, girls, as some of you may know, I have lived in Queens for 14 years, it has done right by me, but I do not exactly LOVE it!!!!! There is a wrong-side-of-the-tracks feel to it I do not find appealing, and if THAT is not enough to make me feel ashamed of living there, what I am about to report to you NOW certainly does!!!!!

I am talking about the death of 18-year old Anthony Collao, of Woodhaven.

So much about this story bothers me I don't know where to begin. Let's start with the fact that the party Collao attended was held in an abandoned house on 90th Street, in Woodhaven, on Saturday, March 12. It was supposedly a birthday party, and supposedly given by two gay men, which I seriously question, because, what kind of Men Of Taste are going to hold a gathering in a rat trap????? Whose birthday were they celebrating--Liza Minnelli, who DID turn 65 that day????. Hell, she deserves a better hangout than that!!!!!!!!! Remember the days of Studio 54????????

Combine that with the invites being advertised on Facebook!!!! Real classy, yeah!!!!! You know what kind of scum is out there in Facebook land???? The kind who showed up and crashed this party!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, there was a $7 cover charge to get in. But these five pieces of scum-- Calvin Peitri, 17; Nolis Ogando, 17; Christopher Lozada, 17; Luis Tabales, 17; and Alex Velez, 16--did not want to be bothered, and forced their way in. Once inside, they started writing anti-Gay slurs on the walls, spouting them to the partygoers, and roughing up people in ways calculated to start a fight. Anthony Collao, correctly sensing trouble, decides to leave, but these louses see him splitting, chase him onto the street, and beat him within an inch of his life!!!!!!
He was hospitalized on life support following this, until he died on Monday, March 14!!!!!!!!!!

The good news is these pieces of crap have been rounded up, and look to be prosecuted for a hate crime!!!! The irony is, despite the rampant homophobia involved, Collao was NOT gay, which the media seems to make a big deal of, as though if he were, this would be justified!!!!! Fuck you, New York Press!!!!!!!!!!
It does not matter what team he played on, NO ONE should be subjected to this kind of behavior. And until we start prosecuting trash like this--and let us not forget Darvi and Wei in the Clementi case--events like this will continue.

I still say, abandon the EVIL that is Facebook!!!!!!!! And where are the gay men who hosted this birthday party???? I have a few questions for them, love, because at the very least, THEIR judgement should be called into question!!!!!! Maybe they should be prosecuted, too!!!!! And let me say, if I find out who they are, the Raving Queen will do just that!!!!!! Guilt by Opinion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why mess up Spring, after the Winter we had!!!! It figures this happened in Queens, the most trash borough in the City!!!!! I can't wait to move out and the rest of you can SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to do my Spring Cleaning, now, lambs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Here Is A Sure Sign Of Spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me wish everyone a Happy St. Joseph's Day!!!!! Which is also when, according to lore, the swallows return to Capistrano in California!!!! Pat Boone scored a big hit back around 1957, with the song, "When The Swallows Come Back To Capistrano!!!!"

This is how we know Spring is on the way, and Old Man Winter can kiss his sorry ass goodbye!!!! I recall stories years ago, on how people would camp out on chairs, in time to witness this stunning event. Just like pilgrims at Lourdes!!!!!! I only wish I could be there one year to witness this miraculous event.

So, here is to the Swallows, girls!!!!! This is their day, and you know St. Joseph does not mind sharing honors with them!!!!!!

Share and share alike, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Girls, It Is Time To Talk About What Could Be Julie Taymor's Next Successful Project!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, you have got to feel sorry for Julie Taymor. Here she was, one of the theater's most premiere artistes, whose successes got her a commercial gig with "The Lion King," still running healthily on Broadway!!!!! Its success led to her landing an ever bigger gig, "Spider Man-Turn Off The Dark," which should have been an even bigger triumph. But alas, a Perfect Storm situation created an endless cycle of problems, one of them being Jules herself, that resulted in her removal from the project. I understand the producers still want to try and resurrect this dead horse, but that is no longer my problem, or Julie Taymor's.

But there is a project I have been thinking about for a long time, way before Julie's departure, that I think would be perfect for her.

A Broadway musicalization of the 1961 Japanese movie monster classic,"Mothra!!!!!!"

Hon, this has everything--puppet moth monsters, a spectacular egg hatching, recreated Infant Island foilage, the destruction of Tokyo, all of which Julie could pull off perfectly. You get Boubil and Schoenberg, who have already covered Asian terrain with "Miss Saigon," to write the score, and hire B.D. Wong to work on the book. Best of all, you have computer generated double images of shrunken Lea Salonga as the Two Tiny Island Girls. When they do the "Mothra Song" airborne, in their Cinderlla carriage, it will simply stop the show.

Before going on, though, I just want to say, I want the pivotal role of the Worshipping Island Native Man, who calls forth Mothra, who hatches from its egg. This could be MY big moment, and if a song is written for it, a real show stopper.

But imagine the Act One curtain going up, on the reconstructed Infant Island, with everything happening there. Then you end Act One with the girls' being kidnapped and hauled back to the Tokyo mainland. Act Two opens in the nightclub, with the Carriage Number, and pretty soon Mothra comes to wreak havoc, retrieve her girls, and fly back to the Island, for a tropical finale, capped by all of them flying over the heads of the audience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It cannot miss, girls!!!!!!!!!!! It would be a TONY winner, and it would simply restore Julie's cred. It could fully utilize Julie's gifts for masks, puppetry and more primitive theatrical forms.

I remember seeing a trailer for the film on TV where it was billed as "MOTHRA--The Monster God!!!!!!" Yet in the film Mothra is referred to as a "she." Mothra is female, a departure from most of the other Japanese monsters--though one of the Rodans had to be, unless they were gay or lesbian!!!!!!!!!! But, of course, with Julie at the helm, there would be no question that Mothra would be female!!!!!! And this is what people would flock to, not ersatz Marvel Comics dreck!
Marvel Comics is not dreck, darlings!!!!!!!! It's what Julie and Company did to it.

But I think she has learned her lesson, so she would honor Mothra to the hilt!!!!!!!! Get it into the Winter Garden, pronto!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait to see things whirling in the air!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, and darlings, the choreographer has JUST GOT to be Baayork Lee!

Ah sok ooh rah!
Humba! Humba!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, The Natives Of Skull Island Are REAL Friendly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, with all the talk about Japan lately, and monsters on my mind, it behooves me to remind you there are some fabulous getaway vacation places. Now, Odo Island, the home of Gojira, is NUMBER ONE right now, but with all the nuclear radiation and such near there, it might not be a good idea to go. Until a sacrifice is found to appease the Monster.

Then there is Infant Island, where the two foot high girls live, and where they worship Mothra, with the native guy worshipping at the foot of the altar, as the rock cracks to reveal the symbol and the egg, which hatches!!!!!!!!! Wouldn't you want to see THAT reenacted, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is also Monster Island, where all the denizens of Japan go when they need a resort hideaway. I wouldn't advise going there, because it largely THEIR turf!!!!!!!!!!

But long before these, there was Skull Island, first revealed in "King Kong" back in 1933. Girls, this is the ideal vacation spot--from the water you can see the village and the wall and gate that keeps things out. And the Skull Mountain. It is truly architecturally stunning!!!!!!!!!

And, girls they make you feel SO welcome, there!!!!!!! I mean, before Civil Rights became an issue in the 1960s, Native Chief Noble Johnson and his Natives, were encouraging diversity; when they got a good look at Ann Darrow, they said, "Look at the Golden Woman," and right then the Soul Sister selected to be Kong's sacrificial bride was pushed aside in favor of racial integration. The Skull Island natives were ahead of the times, let me tell you!!!!!! Maybe that is why I have always wanted to go there. That, and to see the Spider Pit!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They will show you a good time, girls!!!!!!! Sing and dance in your honor, carry and tie you to a pillar, where Kong will carry you off!!!!!!!!! Every gay man's fantasy, I always say!!!!!!!!! Racial equality reigned at Skull Island, at a time when it did not reign anywhere else. They did not HAVE to sing "We Shall Overcome," because, honey, they already had!!!!!!!!!!!!

So overcome that lack of adventure, girls, and make some exciting travel plans!!!!!!!!! The hosts out there are most congenial!!!!!!!!!!! And bring your bridal outfit, just in case!!!!!!!!!!

Walk down that Kong aisle, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Girls, Why Not Start With The Best?????????????????????

Quelle catastrophe, darlings!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with my girls???????? No one wants free eats??????? Guess we are all too white fed and satiated out there. I thought an evening, especially with MOI, and especially at One If By Land, Two If By Sea would be a fabulous prize for coming up with a start for a new year of Bitches Of The Week. But, alas, I had no takers, so to that I say--NERTS TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

So as of this morning I had no one!!!!!!!!!! But being the creative sort I am, lambs, the Muse presented itself to me!!!!!!!!! Considering how much print I have given lately to this London revival of Lilllian Hellman's "The Children's Hour," I found it produced the most suitable cadidate this week!!!!!!!!!!

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week award.....and the one who commences the Second Year (!!!!!!!!) of this column is...........Mary Tilford!!!!!!!!

Mary, of course, is the granddaughter of weatlthy dowager Amelia Tilford. Fed up with how things are going at school, and described as having a "pathological hatred" for her schoolteachers, she runs home to Granny, and spills the beans thaat the two teachers are having........a lesbian relationship!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, when they look as good as Merle Oberon or Miriam Hopkins OR Audrey Hepburn and Shirley Maclaine, all I can say is..........good for YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least it was not Rosie 0'Donnell and Roseann Barr!!!!!!!!!!!

Honey, I LOVE Mary!!!!!!!! I trained for acting with her, and I have portayed her, and doing so is truly satisfying, because while my hatred of authority may not be quite pathological, it goes back to grade school with my teachers, and of course now with corporate America!!!!!!!!! So I can understand where Mary is coming from!!!!!!!! I mean, if I could have taken someone down when I was Mary's age, damn right I would!!!!!!!!! And after seeing the recent Kate Burton 'SVU', those desires are beginning to manifest themselves again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, pay attention to the picture I have posted!!!!!!!! That is Mary Tilford, as enacted by the Great Bonita Granville in the 1936 film, "These Three." And she is pictured, because, unlike Karen Balkin in the 1961 film, she gets the trute pathology of Mary!!!!!!! So much so she landed a Best Supporting Actress Oscar Nomination in 1936!!!!!!!! Honey, if I do this on Broadway, I would win a TONY Award for sure, because you know I would be the best Mary since Bonita!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary is a bitch, whom some of us just LOVE!!!!!!!!!! Hellman should have given her some time in Act Three, but things had to be wrapped up. But for the first two acts, and two thirds of the film ("These Three") Mary/Bonita dominates it, and we are the better for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Twist your adversary's arm, today, darlings!!!!!!!!!! Slap them across the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy New Bitch Year, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Catch My "Lucky Charms"! They're Magically Delicious!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Happy St. Patrick's Day to all! Hard to believe we have made it to another one, but here we are! It's a great day for the Irish, where the leprechauns come out of their closets....oops! crawl out from under their toadstools!!!!!!!!

Irish Soda bread, Corned beef and Cabbage, "How Are Things In Glocca Morra?"...this day is just STEEPED in tradition!!!!!! Now, before anyone asks me what Liam Neeson does to observe this day, let me tell you! He swings his.........shilleleiagh!!!!!!!!!!

And then there is the Parade, that great, fun loving, if homophobic event. Ah, for the days of Captain Jack McCarthy. Dinners at my grandmother's in North Brunswick!!!!!! These were the traditions of yore on this day. Now it has been reduced to wearing a green sweater, a boiled dinner, and maybe some Bailey's!!!!!!!!!!!!

Times and traditions may change!!!!! But aren't those leprechauns cute, darlings!!!!!!!! Give a hug to your favorite leprechaun today. Like Monsieur!!!!
And our very own Mr. Conroy!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you're wearin' Green when you step out from your toadstool today, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Darlings, Have You Heard About "Spring Storm?"

No, girls, I am not talking about "Spring Awakening," that overrated excuse for a musical that had the temerity to win the TONY Award several years back, because the geezers on the nominating committee wanted to show how allegedly hip they could be. I am talking about a 1937 play Tennessee Williams wrote in a playwriting class in Iowa, and, honey, I want to tell you, like all of Tennessee Williams' plays, it has everything--including a role that was designed for ME!!!!!!

"Spring Storm" is set in Port Tyler, Mississippi, during April of 1937. Its original title, taken from T.S. Eliot, was "April Is The Cruelest Month," which I can tell you from personal experience it certainly IS!!!!!!!!!!!

We have Dick Miller, a low class soda jerk from the wrong side of the tracks (and an antecedent of Stanley Kowalski) who wants to leave town and go into construction. Uh huh!!!!!!!!!

Then there is Heavenly Critchfield. Her family was at one point the wealthiest in the town--like mine on the North Side--but are now living on a past reputation, since the Depression drained them of all resources. Heavenly, who is pretty (I could play this, but this is not MY role!!!!!!!!!) lusts after Dick (honey, who doesn't????) and even loses her virtue to him!!!!!!! Gasp!!!!!! She is like the Janice Gonnella of her community!!!!!!! Her aunt Lila is a spinster with regrets, who wants Heavenly to find happiness. Her mother, Esmerelda, and father, Oliver, ill with stomach cancer, want her to marry Arthur Shannon, who comes from a similar aristocratic background. Now, Arthur sounds like me, but with a difference--he is considered Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Heterosexual!!!!!!!!! Excuse me???????? That last is something, mercifully you can NEVER call me!!!!!!! And this is Tennessee Williams, honey, so how can he be anything but homosexual. Especially when he was persecuted as a child by both Dick and Heavenly, for being studious, interested in books and literature, and so traumatized by it he was sent to school in England!!!!!!!! Now, that COULD be me, but wait.

The piece de resistance is Hertha Neilson who is--are you ready????? GASP!!!!!!!--a sexually repressed LIBRARIAN!!!!!!!!!! Honey, let me tell you, I am ready to play this RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hertha pines for Arthur, who rebuffs her, she runs into the storm, ending up at the freight yards, where she is struck down by a train, either in suicide, or murdered by Dick and Heavenly, who were allegedly driving the engine!!!!!!!!!

Honey, you can't beat THIS!!!!!!! Bring on Hertha; I am ready to play her!!!!! This is just like my early years in Highland Park. Fuck you again, Gloria Shapiro!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Spring Storm" is a Tennessee Williams bitchfest that indicts small town America!!!!!!!!! How can we not love it, darlings?????? So, feast your eyes on it, and see what all the fuss is about!!!!!!!!!!!!!

April is heating up, once you read this, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, To Think It Has Been 48 Years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, darlings, I simply cannot believe nearly a half century has passed since I made my First Holy Communion. What a day--my poor beleaguered parents trying to get me into the car, as I did not want to go because Channel 9 that Saturday morning (it was held on a Saturday) was showing "Godzilla" on "Super Adventure Theatre," which I had been dying to see for the past two years. I mean, it has "GOD" in it, so I thought it was OK!!!!!!!!! But this would not do, so off I went.

Then in the pew, I was seated next to Ricky Brown, who was one of the Browns, one of the lowest from Goat Alley--our town's Wrong Side Of The Tracks!!!!!!!!!! Back in those days, you could not eat anything from dinner on--I think you could only drink water to keep from dehydration-- until you received the Host!!!!!!! I mean, it was like a colonoscopy, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I had no problem with this, but apparently, Ricky did, though, I think, being from Goat Alley, he had gone without eating much longer than that. So, during the Benediction, which took place after Communion, he turned, kneeling in his pew seat, and threw up all over it, right next to me!!!!!!!!!! Darlings, you have no idea how disgusting this was to my more refined North Side sensibilities.

Things happened so fast--a nun emerged out of nowhere, grabbing him, and marching him out of sight into the vestibule, presumably, I thought, to be tortured!!!!!!! Then another came in and spread green incense over the vomit, till it looked like a fresh grave mound. I had to get through the next ten minutes of Mass, with this next to me, and me staring at it, knowing full well, what was underneath.

So my Communion was memorable, though hardly the Divine experience I was expecting. "The Song Of Bernadette" was certainly better than this!!!!!!!!!!! But each March 16, I remember this event, wonder what happened to Ricky Brown, and how I might commemorate the 50th anniversary. Time will tell, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God does NOT like ugly, girls!!!!!!!! So make sure you wear your best when going before the altar!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Darlings, Welcome To The Ides Of March!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, to think it is the Ides Of March already, with St. Pat's day two days away, St. Joseph's Day four, and Spring six. Things are on the way, no doubt. This day has always gotten a bad rap, thanks to Shakespeare and "Julius Caesar," but, honey, as a certified Theater Queen, I have always looked upon this day positively, because do you know what classic of the Musical Stage opened on this night??????

Fifty five years ago--March 15, 1956, at the Mark Hellinger Theatre, one of the greatest of all 20th Century Musicals made its debut--none other than "My Fair Lady," which introduced Julie Andrews to all us girls, almost a good decade before she took that immortal cinematic twirl. And Musical Theater has not been the same since!!!!!!!!!!!

I would guess the producers chose the date, unsure of how it would fare, so why not on this of all days???????? But, girls, it changed the complexion of this day entirely, so while you think about that, darlings, I want you to run to your bathrooms right now and fix your complexions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Ides of March, everyone!!!!!!!!! Let's hear it for fair skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!