Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Darlings, Have You Heard About The Oklahoma Girl Scout Murders?????????????????????

Before we get to that one, girls, just a few delayed thoughts on "Valley Of The Dolls." When Barbara Parkins as Ann struggeles out of bed to take the pills, spills, the water, and then collapses in the surf...oh, my God, we are seeing suffering on film, and she should have received an Oscar nomination. And when she dropped the blue towel to have silouhette sex with Lyon, America was shocked. I can tell you that my mother was shocked, so much so she said to me, "You better not do THAT!!!!" Honey, I haven't, but if she only knew what I had done, I might be right up there with Barabara Parkins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, the murders. On the night of June 13, 1977, at Camp Scott, near Locust Grove, Okilahoma, three little girls were raped and murdered. They were Lori Lee Farmer, age 8, Michele Guse, age 9, and Doris Denise Milner, age 10. They were spending their first night at summer camp, and during the night somoeone(s) broke into their tents, raped, and in two cases bludgeoned, and in one strangled the girls till dead. Their bodies were left outside the tent, where they could be seen, and places strategically. One of the counselors next morning, on the way to the showers, spotted one body, the others were discovered, and all Hell broke lose. An itinerant Cherokee named Gene Leroy Hart, with a history of deviant behavior, including rape, toward girls and womem, was suspected, and ultimately went on trial, but enough evidence was not found to find him responsible. Nevertheless, he DID go to prison on other charges, and two months later, died of a heart attack.

Thirty three years later, the murders still excite. For one thing, it is purported that screenwriter Victor Miller based his classic original "Friday The
13th" script on this grizzly incident that supposedly got national attention, though, girls, I cannot remember it. I just remember my coffee klatches!!!!!!!!
This may be true, but has never been officially proved. What IS official is that it is a Cold Case, and one open on the books. It has never been solved, and for all intent the perpetrator(s) have never been court. Here is what I think, lambs.

Hart had the criminal background, but he did not do this. For one, his inclination was towards fully formed women, not children. For another, I believe there was more than one person involved, as many as three, possibly. Which would explain being able to hold three struggling girls at bay, and doing what they did. But why in the dead of night, was nothing heard? No screams, no noise, nothing???????? A supposition exists that a woman was involved, which is certainly possible, and gives further credence to Victor Miller creating the character of Mrs. Voorhees. I cannot be certain about a woman, but I am certain there were three individuals involved, and if you want to find out who they are/were, get a list of the camp staff--adminsitators and counselors--and investigate each of their backgrounds. Somewhere among these are people of questionable, to say the least, character, which would explain how they gained easy access to the camp. With three perps, and the passing of 33 years, it is posiible at least one of them may now be dead, but if even one of them remains alive, someone out there is hiding a dreadful secret and needs to come forward, to expunge their soul.

Come on, bitch, you think I am afraid of you!!!!! I will send Meryl Streep to knock your teeth out! You want to pick on someone your own size, try someone who knows the inner workings of deviants and serial killers. I will cream you butt, bitch!!!!!

But someone IS out there, and knows the truth. How they can live with it is incomprehensible to me. And why prepubescent girls, you sick fucks? Drugs? Psychosexual issues where you can't get it with ana adult woman????? Honey, you don't fool me one bit, at least one of you is still sleeping in your crib sucking your mother's tit, even if she is 80, and it is sagging. Only titt(s) you'll ever suck.

Now bitching on the perps is so much fun. But I swear if I would just be listened to, this mystery would be solved, just as if I had been listened to, Patsy Ramsey would have been put in the slammer for the murder of her daughter, Jon Benet. I know she did it. Too bad Patsy is not alive; she COULD have been tomorrow's Bitch Of The Week. We will just have to wait and see, girls, to find out who that is. Tune in tomorrow.

Meanwhile, ponder this story. It needs to be told, it needs to be filmed, the information needs to get out there, so that we can know what sickos murdered these innocent children--as innocent as I am, darlings!!!!!!!-- and not only be brought to justice--death--but give closure to the families, who also have to live with this everyday.

I'll get you, you sick fucks!!!!!!!!!! But I will properly dressed in white gloves, and hats, like Miss Porter's.

Remember girls, criminal apprehension is no excuse to dress poorly.

See you at the lineup, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Darlings, Nothing Beats VOTD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, before you get all excited, just because there is an acronym does not mean this is a sexually transmitted disease. How can that be, darlings, when, after all, I am so PURE? VOTD refers to "Valley Of The Dolls," the classic 1967 film of the classic Jacqueline Sussann novel that defined an entire generation of gay men. Sweeties, when Barbara Parksins pressed her face to the pane of the train window as it sailed into New York, with Dionne Warwick screaming "Yearrrrrrrrrn for a dreaaaaaaaaam" on the soundtrack, this is who so many of us were coming to the city on our own. If only I had had that cute winter outfit and pillbox hat to go out on interviews with, like Barbara. Think what jobs I could have gotten, hon!!!!!!!!!!! This time around, however, my favorite moment had to come from Alexander Davion as Ted Casablanca, during the famous scene when Neely confronts him with the tramp in the pool. Of course, those of us in the KNOW, darlings, understand that this was based on Judy Garland coming home one day to find her director husband Vincette Minnelli, going at it with the pool boy!!!!! The sparks must have flown that night! But Alex/Ted has a line that is just priceless, loves!!!!!! Keeping a straight face, saying it with all the eloquence of Ralph Richardson reading O'Neill, he says, "That little whore makes me feel nine feet tall." Ohh, honey, come on!!!!!!!!! Nine inches would have been fine enough; otherwise he would tip over when he walks. Good thing Viagara had not been invented back then, or lots of men would have been top heavy!!!!!!!!!! But, darling, this was the perfect experience for Gay Pride, and it certainly put sparkle into what turned out to be in the Village a very anti-climactic day. I am telling you, the birthday party at Audrey's parents penthouse palazzo in New Jersey was more exciting, especially with the hors d'oeuvres, sable and white fish!!!! Girls, my taste buds are ready to go Kosher! Get me off that Catholic diet of boiled potatoes and bring me a nice brisket of beef and a compote. Of course, Monsieur David, my personal compote, was on hand to offer comfort and support, and to share the lovely VOTD experience with me. And tonight I have to meet Harvey and the girls at the Malibu. I cannot afford to crash anymore, but when you are NOT Anna, darlings, what is one to do. I do my best. And just wait till we watch Anna in "The September Issue." Bitch slap that Andre Leon Talley with my panties!!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you don't get panty slapped, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Girls, We Just LOVE "The Little Foxes!!!!!!!!!!"

Or even "The Little Foxies," as it was done on Carol Burnett! Darlings, right now Theatre at St. Clement's has mounted a supreb production of Lillian Hellman's "Another Part Of The Forest." That is a dramatic play, loves, NOT a song from Sondheim's "Comapny." You are confusing it with "Another Hundred People." This is the play that shows how the Hubbard family got to where they are at the point where 'Foxes' starts. It is rarely revived, and sweeties, I cannot believe, with so many bitch characters, I was NOT cast. Where the hell is my goddamn agent? I am going to have to think about firing him!!!!!!!! But, girls, I have GOT to see this, and I sure as hell hope the TKTS booth can pave my way, or else who knows. I mean, the movie with Ann Blyth (perfect as the young bitch Regina, as she played one of the most iconic bitches in film--Veda Pierce!!!!!!!!!)is unavailable on DVD. This is the play that marked Patricia Neal's Broadway debut, and won her a TONY award!! Think what it would have done for MY career, darlings; I am always ready to play a bitch!!!!!!!!!

But I also want to wish all my girls a Happy Pride! And for once it IS Haopy! Last night I went to the most fabulous synagogue service, where they not only invocated Judy Garland, they sang "Over The Rainbow?" I mean, how Gay Pride is that?
Do you think the Catholics would do it? Are you kidding? Enacting a scene from "The Song of Bernadette" would be radical for them. And tongiht I am expected to sing my guts out at a Catholic service, then attend a birthday brunch tomorrow afternoon. No wonder I am ready to crash! No wonder I started out the day with a funcitonal migraine!!!!!!! Migraine THIS, you bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, darlings, do whatever your Gay Pride tells you to do this weekend. Babes in the blinkin' sun sang We Shall Overcome! Worship at the Temple of Rollereena, lambs!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, I am going to do some temple worshipping myself, girls!!!!!!!! Toodles, kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Darlings, We Almost Had Two For One This Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By which, girls, I mean Bitch Of The Week, which Thursday is, as you know by now, my day for bestowing this award. I was all set to bestow on it on Miss Zoe Kazan, especially since she had the audacity to be cast as Harper Pitt in the forthcoming revival of "Angels In America," a role orginated by the gifted Marcia Gay Harden, whom Zoe could not possibly hope to equal. But then I did some thinking, and while I don't like Zoe, and her lackluster talent, I had to admit that just because she was cast in 'Angels,' she was not the one who cast herself. Someone else had to cast her, and the idiot who did that is whom I have designed as this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week.

None other than that overrated director, Mr. Michel Greif.

All right. He directed ONE halfway decent show, and that was the musical of "Grey Gardens." But there most of the work was done for him; the subject matter was builit in for success, and the Misses Ebersole and Wilson did not requre much in the wayof diretion, as they were real pros, adn you could see how carefully theyhad thought out their characters.

Mr. Greif also staged that overrated piece of crap called "Rent," and girls if you complain to me about labeling this show such, I will bitch slap you with my panties!!!!!!! What a bunch of overrated garabage--"LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVWE, LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE--yoou've got to find it, baby!" Joanthan Larson should have lived, because I believe he would have progressed beyond this nonsense, when now it is his only legacy. Honey, who in ten years, is gonna want to do it! Hell, who wants to do it now? But don't blame Larson, blame Greif for putting it onstage.

Likewise, don't blame Zoe for being cast, blame Greif for casting her. Did he actually witness her performance in "A Behanding In Spokane?" With that voice as shrill as chalk running down the board, I could not tell if this was her actual voice or the character she wss playing. God help the audience, either way. Where is Martha Plimpton when you need her? And now Zoe is cast to play one of theater's great femme characters, Harper Pitt? What kind of voice will she come up for her?
I almost dread it. I am sure Marcia is dreading it, too.

Zoe seems to be the Carla Gugino of the moment. Carla is herself a slatternly thing who kept getting cast in these vulnerable roles--Maggie in "After The Fall" abd Catherine in "Suddenly, Last Summer," when she was clearly unsuited for each. And now Zoe is following in Carla's tradition.

But to have the nerve to take on an iconic role as Harper? Who does she think she is? And who does Greif think he is, in casting her?

What a bitch he is! We congratulate him. But this show sounds like it is heaaded to go down the tubes!!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure all your Angels in America are good ones, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Us Girls Love To Do FABULOUS Shopping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now you know how difficult it is, darlings, to keep us out of the stores when we are hell bent on buying something. And last night was no exception. There I was, parading into MACY's, with all the atalwart confidence of ANNA WINTOUR at a fashion convention, accompanied by my knowing and handsome coutier, Monsieur Davide!!!!! Thank God for him, because he not only helped me pick out and fit the most fetching work pants, he helped keep my Desinger Voices at bay. Nevertheless, they beckoned, and I answered. In the Ralph Lauren section, girls, I saw the most glowing array of men's socks and two--the flaming orange and shocking pink--had Ralph's voice crying out familarly, "Michael, look what I have created especially for YOU!" I was as drawn to them as Bernadette beholding the vision at Lourdes. And lo and behold, these socks--designer socks,dears!--were on sale for the senationally low price of $11.99. Well, I was powerless to resist, and even my couteier offered no resistance. I can't wait to try them on girls; I mean maybe I will model them for ANNA on the runway!!!!! So we walked out of Macy's feeling GOOD, assisted by the lovely Monsieur Davide, who made my feel better with his fashion and otther duties, including a scrumptious ice cream MERYL celebration and REAL coffee--yes, REAL, darlings!!!!!--this morning!!!!!!! I am telling you, loves, this was a shopping excursion to be proud of. I cannot wait to return and purchase some fragrances!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure all your fragrances are fresh, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Darlings, Get That Photo To Grace Coddington At Once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before explaining that, girls, I have GOT to get something off my (ahem!) chest.
What is it with these people talking in the world at large on their cell phones???? I mean, the men and women, who walk down the street holding phone conversations SO personal they might as well be at home masturbating on their land lines. And then doing so during business transactions at cash registers, treating the person they are dealing with like some sort of faceless automaton!!!! Bitche!!!!! Who do these people think they are--ANNA??? Of course, we know everyone wants to be ANNA, darlings, but we also know there are only two people who are capable of this--MERYL STREEP and myself. And you don't see me cell phoning my way down streets and in stores????? Honey, these bitches wouldn't make the back entraance at Miss Porter's!!!!!!!!!!

Now, about Grace. On Saturday, a whole constellation of us trooped out to Coney Island for tha Annual Mermaid Parade. We took a stunning photo by the sea, which I think should go in VOGUE. And one of our party, Kris, spotted Grace on the subway, so she could slip it to her next time she sees her. But can you believe ANNA lets one of HER employees ride the subway????? Maybe Grace doesn't tell ANNA!
Maybe it is her little secret, a litte one upsmanship on Ms. Wintour. Honey, I am telling you, if ANNA finds out, look out! It will be like me in the morning without my coffee.

But what a whirlwind weekend--"Sondheim On Sondheim" Friday eve, with the exquisite Barbara Cook, the Parade Saturday, a birthday party and choir singing on Sunday--sweeties, how do I do it???? Of course, I am not playing tennis at 5am like ANNA, but even ANNA would be impressed by the weekend I put in!!!!! And now it is midweek and I have GOT to go shopping to Macy's for pants--maybe panties, maybe more. I am armed with gift certificates, so the sky is the limit. But I desperately need a pair of work pants, and my lovely and talented coutier is going with me not only to help me select the right merchandise, but to protect me from those Designer Voices. Girls, when I enter a clothing store, I hear the voices of the Designers saying "Michael, look what I have created, especially for you," and before you know it, I am walking out of there with an Yves Saint Laaurent or an Oscar De Le Renta. Sometimes even Christian Dior, darlings!!!!!!! So tonight I will be prorected from reckless spending from Designer Voices. We girls just love to shop, you know! But tonight I am shopping with a goal, not a desire. Beware of those desires, girls, because they need to be satisfied, and before you can say 'Streetcar', off you will go to the loony bin, like Blanche.

Have to get my rest and get on with my day, so I can get on that Streetcar tonight. I will let you know the results of my shopping excursion, girls!!!!!!!

Shop until you drop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Happy Birthday To Divinity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, I am NOT talking about divinity fudge, although you know we love THAT, darlings!!!!!!!! I am talking about the Divinity that walks among us every day on this Earth, the world's greatest actress--MERYL STREEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, lambs, today is MERYL's birthday, and she turns 61. We should ALL look as good as MERYL at that age, but, of course, as we all know, the Divine Miss Streep is ageless! Sixteen Oscar nominations, two Oscars, a husband, four children, stage work, Yale, Vassar--how on Earth does she do it???? There is only one answer, my loves, she is MERYL!!!!!!!!!!!

Many have tried, but none have succeeded in matching the MERYL marathon of accomplishments. So on this day we wish MERYL and relaxation as she faces another year of the gorgeousness of being.....MERYL!!!!! And another year of continnuing to inspire us with her work, artistry, and personal integrity!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am feeling simply faint, darlings! But not too faint to know that at some point I will fall upon my knees on the ground today in deference to MERYL. Make sure you do the same, girls, and we will all have cake and ice cream afterwards!!!!!!!

Keep on truckin', MERYL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, The Stage Keeps Beckoning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, my Imaginary Theatrical Career gets more and more exciting each day. Now if only there were some REALITY to it!!!!!!!!!!! All my girls know how much in 2012 I want to star in the revival of "Annie" and/or "Funny Girl" but just recently, from the feebled memory of my childhood, out popped a property that would be PERFECT for me, cash in on the "Annie" thing, and, most of all, honeys, it would be MINE!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I want to star in a stage version of the 1938 Shirley Temple movie "Little Miss Broadway!!!!!!"

This is the movie where Shirley is an orphan (the standard Temple formula) who goes to live with her uncle in his Broadway boarding house in Manhattan. It opens with Shirely and the Girls singing "Be Optimistic," and lambs, can't you just see me and MY girls (some of whom might probably be guys) doing the same thing????
It also has Shirely, with those curls, which I would wear, and those short dresses and Mary Janes, showing off my panties, which should please at least ONE of my fan base, dancing on the table top with George Murphy to "We Should Be Together." Stop and go, honey!!!!!! I cannot wait to do this showstopper on a gigantic table; I wonder who I will be dancing with? Sweeties, the gorgegous lighting and costumes, and the choreography, whioh will be be Donna McKechnie, darlings, because I will have NO OTHER stage MY dances, dolls, will just be so overwhelming as I twirl and spin up and down that table with my partner, till I win a TONY award!!!!! Yes, girls, I want a TONY, and it is goddamn time I won one!!!! And THIS, which is an original property for ME, because who else but I could imagine it, is MY ticket to a TONY award!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, but wait, there is more. The title song, which has me in a cream dress, dancing in darkness except for stars in a dreamlike atmosphere, which looks like I am dancing on air, but am probably on another table or rising platform. Darlings, it did lots for Shirley; see how this has remained in my memory? And now it can do something for ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To hell with Eve Harrington, this is MY part, darlings, and just wait till you see me onstage at the Winter Garden (I will play nowhere else, so throw that "Mama Mia" outta there; Meryl has crystalized it, so who cares about it onstage now?) in "Little Miss Broadway!" I will be the talk of the Season, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

The THEATRICAL season, kids!!!! You know already I am the talk of all others!!!!!!!!!

Keep those lips moving, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Darlings, I Am Going To Learn To Become A Successful Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or, at least, I will, girls, after I read what I found last night. Let me explain. Why toiling as a volunteer last night at the Center Library, with the fabulous Mike and Tynisha, and the goodness of my socially conscious heart, what should come in but two items that I took home. One was definitely NOT gay oriented--the last volume of the Harry Potter series, in a mint fresh hardback. Now, lambs, I own ALL the Harry Potter books!!! The other was something that should be in EVERY gay man's library, but the higher ups dictate so, so it goes to mine. It was Jerry Oppenheimer's bio "Front Row--What Lies Beneath The Chic Exterior of VOGUE's Cheif Editor, Anna Wintour!" Yes, girls, it is ANNA again; we just cannot seem to get away from here. And once I have read this tome--which should be a hoot!. honey-- you better believe I will be ready to take on the world in my furs, sunglasses and Starbucks coffee--just like ANNA. Now Oppenheimer has written about another bitch--Martha Stewart--but we don't like Martha, darlings. Unlike Anna, Martha did time in the slammer, though I hear that her cell and the girls in her Cell Block had it real good--curtains, silks, brocade, the best decor and meals, the best linene. What a good thing! I even hear Martha made those Hope Emersonian prison matrons into lipstick lesbians--you have to hand it to Martha, honey!!!!!!!!!! But Martha was a criminal felon (just like ex-Mouseketeer Darlene Gillespie, sister of Gina Gillespie, who played the child Blance in 'Baby Jane')which is one thing Anna is not, and prison is one place she has not been or ever will see. Believe me, if she is ever called up, either Grace Coddington or Andre Talley will take the rap for her!!!!!! But I am going to read, notate, and follow the Anna Plan, so I can successfully run the empire that when I am through, this blog will become, darlings, monitoring my movie and book deals, fans, non-fans, and everyone in between.

And speaking of in between, I cannot WAIT to get between some freshly laundered sheets at a certain Village pensione. Think what will become of my panties, girls!!!!!! Good thing I have so many. So many, and so fesh.

But after I finish the Anna book, they will only be off the rack designer panties, you better believe that. Meantime, have a fabulous weekend, girls!!!!! You will get a report from the front lines at the Mermaid Parade tomorrow--imagine, my 20th, and I don't look a bit older!!!!!!!!! And neithe do my panties!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure YOUR panties are freshly laundered, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Darlings, This Week We Have Another Oscar Winning Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, who would have thought winning an Oscar would make you a bitch? It doesn't, necessarily; I mean, wait till I win mine, do you think I will become a bitch? Any more than I am already????? Well, I really had no plans this week for this column--until Tuesday!!!!! I was working at the desk and in walks this harridan with bottled blonde hair, and this dour expression trying so desperately to pass for imperialistic. When I offered to help her, she made it clear she did not want help--she wanted things HANDED to her, on the proverbial silver platter. I had to do some thinking to realize whom I was dealing with. Darlings, do you know who it was?

It was none other than our winner of this weekd's Raving Queen Bitch of the Week award, and someone I had written about just the day before---Miss Estelle Parsons!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I have already stated my contention that Estelle Parsons, or at least someone close to her, bought her Supporting Actress Oscar back in 1967, because she should never have won for "Bonnie and Clyde,' which, incidentally, lambs--and I could be shot for saying this, but do you think I care?--I consider to be one of the most OVERRATED films ever!!!!!!!!!! I am sure Estelle was better as Roseanne's mother on here show, but sweeties, I never watch White Trash Televison!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Estelle, was just being, well, Estelle, which is difficult and bitchy, which I have heard about from those who have worked with her. She can't look stuff up, but she can remember the entire text and blocking of a magnum opus like "August:Osage County????" How does she do it? And then to come to me and pull what she pulls.

BUT what Estelle does NOT know is that she was dealing with someone who knows something from her past she would much rather forget. Thirty plus years ago, when a little film called "Friday The 13th" was being planned, Estelle was actually signed to play the psychopathic Mrs. Voorhees. Which would have been interesting, but not too credilbe, because if the film had been done this way, with the jeep pulling up to the cabin, and out pops Estelle, well, you would know from the get go that she was off her rocker!!!!!! Which she seems to be, anyway!!!!!! However, the film had an unusally low budget, so when Miss Parsons found out she was NOT being provided with a limousine--or even a dump truck--to carry her to and from the film's set, she walked out on her contract!!!!! That's right, sweethearts!!!!! And like the child Blanche at the start of 'Baby Jane'--"You bet I WON"T forget!!!!!!!! And that is how history was made for Betsy Palmer, who with her subtlety as an actress was better and more lovable in the role anyway. And who would want an action figure of Estelle???????

Now, Estelle IS a great actress, and even I was impressed by how she cooled it and restrained it in the last revival of "Morning's At Seven," which my father saw with me. But after her behavior not only towards me but to others here, she deserves an iconic place as the Raving Queen's Bitch Of The Week. And this week she assumes that mantle!!!!!!!!!!!

So congrats to Estelle on her coronation!!!!!!!!! And the next time you visit her, take a chill pill, lady, so you can at least act like one.

Just like me and all my lovely girls, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Happy Bloomsday, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, darlings, I know some of you may not be too literary, but sweeties, can I help that? Nevertheless, this is why you have me to learn from. Today happens to be Bloomsday, which, according to literary history, is the day on which Joyce's magnum opus "Ulysees" takes place. It is set on June 16, 1904. Its protagonist is named Leopold Bloom, hence, Bloomsday. It is also considered the day on which Joyce met the woman who became his wife, Nora Muldoon. Now, Nora was not exactly from Miss Porter's, but she did well by Jimmy from what I have heard, taking good care of him and such, so she should be commended to. Straight people can't help being what they are, darlings, anymore than we can!!!!!!

It is also the day, back in 1968, which becomes increasingly distant, that my sister's oldest--MY ONLY NIECE--Jennifer was born. Why she has not been on the cover of VOGUE I cannot figure out. I am going to have to have a power lunch with Anna to discuss that. Most girls would KILL to have her figure, but what she does not know is--so would her uncle!!!!!!!! So a happy birthday to Jennifer, who keeps turning out books, babies, and whom I am convinced will scale Mount Everest. Or at least the Poconos on a visit back to PA.

Of course, for all my girls, what Bloomsday really means is that today, morning, eve, or whenever, you are naked and supine on your bed with your partner satisfying your most craven desires--Oh, honey!--you recite Molly Bloom's soliloquy from "Ulysees." Or at the very least, the last part--"Yes!" she said, "Yes!" she said, "Yes!" "Yes!" And you make sure you say it at the point of--gasp!--orgasm, darlings!!!! You better believe I plan to.

So drink some Guiness or Bailey's and in the meantime I will be off tonight seeing the Joan Rivers documentary--now THERE is a Molly Bloom for you! Darlings, how many face lifts has she said. Aunt Katie had six, and died in the chair on her final one, but I think even Joan has distanced Aunt Katie!!!!!!! And that is saying something!!!!

Still, wishing all my girls a happy Bloomsday, and remember to soliloquize when you climax, lambs!!!!!!!!!!

Now, if I could just climax with a book deal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Darlings, Suppose I Had Been In "The Blair Witch Project??????"

Girls, if I had, you know I would have screamed like a bitch on camera!!!!!!!!!
Then I would have been the one everyone wanted to kill, instead of Heather. Honestly, not since Marilyn Burns in the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" was screaming raised to an annoying art. At least, Marilyn could be excused; she was running frome Leatherface, who was pretty scary, though, lambs, I am telling you, if you ae in the Gay community for any length of time, sooner or later you find out the guys in leather are the ones you DO run from. And that not every guy who wears leather ought to. Some should be in panties, and leave leather to the Dykes On Bykes!!! Heather, unlike Marily, had NO excuse--she was running from the so-called ghost of Elly Kedward, whom none of us ssw anyway.

But there is something out there that is scarier than this movie. It is called Staten Island, currently on display in the fabulous documentary, "Cropsey." First, the accents--you can't understand a thing they say, loves!!!! Then it turns out to be a dumping ground--for garbage, the dead, the mentally ill. Honestly, when is the so-called forgotten borough have a memorable breakthrough and become the dumping ground it ought for disgusting Beans n' Franks lesbians??????? Staten Island would be the perfect place to dump Grotesque Creatures of all sorts, and they don't come any more Grotesque than these. Between children vanishing, Andre Brown being arrested and coming off like a modern day Freddie Krueger, and the social inexcuse that was Willowbrook, and how inmates there were treated, is it any wonder I needed to comfort myself with Jennifer Jones in "Love Is A Many-Splendoured Thing?" And if you think I have any intention of going over to SI and exploring those grounds near Willowbrook, girls, let me tell you--my inner persona wants to but my outer will not let me. What could happen to my hair? My skin tones? I am telling you, even Anna Wintour would stay away from here, though I wish the scum bureaucrats who ran Willowbrook and let it fester into something that made Grey Gardens with the Edies look like a four star hotel, had had to face up to Anna, who would certainly put them in their place. Or maybe Willowbrook would have been the place for that silly Nelly Andre Leon Talley. No, excuse me, that would be Bellevue.

Parents tell their children not to go near there because Cropsey will get them. Loves, these poor children have enough problems just growing up on Staten Island, where their greatest concern is not Cropsey, but that they will never leave. Like me when I lived in Highland Park. And judging from the adults in this film this fear is not exactly unfounded. I mean, even Melanie Griffith got off the damn island. I say to Hell with Staten--girls, let us go to Fire Island. But then you encounter time shares, and bitchy homosexuals, which is something I can handle, darlings, unless you are dealing with Vicious Opera Queens. I don't go THERE, let me tell you. But until we get our time share, dears, I am telling you all to go see
"Cropsey," because darlings it is a TRUE representation of Staten Island. It makes me glad I grew up in New Jersey. How much of a miracle is THAT? Lourdes would be proud!!!!!!

I am proud of all my darlings, time share or not. Just stick out that chest and look gorgeous, and don't let anyone tell you you CANNOT do Lana Turner's famous walk down the street from "They Won't Forget." And if you can't, girls, I will show you how!!!!!!

Have to run. Off to get discovered, like Lana, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Darlings, We Have SO MUCH To Talk About!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you I am completely exhasuted from my weekend! I need a day off from my days off!!!!!!!!! It started on Friday, with a bite to eat and a viewing of "Hairspray." Let's face it, lambs, I know you dance the Mashed Potato fine, but that don't tell me you are really mine!!!!! Saturday was a disaster day, what with an accident befalling one of our community members, but he survived, thank God, but the day was work, work, work! But then we reitred after eve for an adventuer in Queens, ending up back in the Village at a sumptuous pensione, and a viweing of the film classic "Love Is A Many Splendored Thing." Oh, my God, darling.........JENNIFER JONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She was simply stunning in this, one of her best films, and the costumes designer had a field day creating brilliant Eurasian patterns for her. I am telling you, even Anna Wintour would have been impressed. I know I was, girls, and you know how close to Anna I am!!!!!!!! And no one suffers so nobly for love as Jennifer Jones in this movie. And when it came to that final scene on the hill...oh my GOD, I cried real tears. But fortunately I had a many splendored thing next to me, to dry and kiss them away. Let me tell you it is a testament to love, because even though several times I had to prod him awake--I mean, how could anyone fall asleep during JENNIFER JONES!!!!!--he is still special to me. These men, girls. They just don't get our romance movies. But there is that inner specialness PLUS an understanding that, when the time comes, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE does one fall asleep at "The Song of Bernadette!!!!!" I meam, talk about a sin!!!! But how could one slumber through such a masterpiece as that??????

Well, after all this romantic ardor on Saturday, you had better believe, girls, that Sunday was, indeed, a day of rest. While the rain kept us from the water, it did not keep one from venturing out from the pensione for a little bit. Only to retreat back to a sumptuous meal and then the TONY awards.

Let's start with the meal. I am telling you, girls, it was worthy of One If By Land, Two If By Sea. A scrumptious rib roast, medium rare,with the most fabulous salad that also included pickeled tomatoes and veggies, with a side dish of baby potates, onions and spices, capped off later by fruit and chocolate gelatto. And now let us talk about those TONY awards.

First, you better believe that Miss Chenowith was fit to be tied when Miss Finneran copped the TONY. I don't believe for a minute that Kristen lent her her eyelashes; the only thing she would lend Katie would be some rat poison!!!!!!! Bitch, bitch, girls!!!!!! Seems like everyone was a movie star winning TONY awards, and everyone was winning TONYS for roles won TONYs previously by their originator. Like Katie Finneran, whose predecessor, Marianne Meercer, won the TONY for the same role in the same show, back in 1968. Ditto Denzel and James Earl Jones, and the inexcusable Catherine Zeta Jones in "A Little Night Music." Now, darlings, I saw Glynis Johns in the orginal, and NO ONE touches "Send In The Clowns" like she. The alleged performance we saw from Jones last night was like a bad BAD musical theater audition from a wannabe drama student. I mean, even the kids on "Glee" are more competent than this. Hell, they are more competent than some of their guest stars, who inculde Miss Chenowith, and that Stresand wannabe last night trying to get breath control through "Don't Rain On My Parade." Thank God for Sean Hayes prancing his cute little body all over the place, and exhibiting his impressive basket and buns in that Spriderman costume. His rendition was better than that "Glee" bitch! But nothing touched Catherine Zeta Jones for atrocity. And, then, they go ahead and give her the TONY award????????? For that????????? What did she do, fuck the old geezers on the committee as they popped Viagara?????? Have her husband, Michael Douglas, buy her the award. That is probably what happened, just like it did back in 1967 when Estelle Parsons won the Supporting Actress Oscar. Don't even get me started on the Oscars, darling!!!!!! At least the TONY program MOVED and had dynamism and momentum, even if I was blinded by the glare of "American Idiot," and less than impressed by "Million Dollar Quartet," and, sad to say "Promises, Promises!" But I still want to see it.

So here I am on the morning after, just plum exhausted, but writing to all my girls out there. Tongiht it is dinner at the World Famous Malibu, then home to my couch and rest!!!! Put my hair in curlers, get out of this girdle, and remove the nail polish.

I only hope they ask ME to host the TONYS next year!!!!!!!! Sweetie, where is MY Tony award????????????

Love to all those trophy wives out there. And that trophy WHORE Catherine Zeta Jones.

I am such a BITCH, darlings. But I love you, and you love me!


Saturday, June 12, 2010

Darlings, Can You Believe We Are Almost Halfway Through!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next Saturday, girls, is the Mermaid Parade at Coney Island, and a milestone one it will be for me--the 20th consecutive year I have trooped out to CI on the third Saturday in June to witness this stunning event. And still I do not look a day over 24!!!! How do I do it, girls? Well, clean living, and a good astringent for one, not to mention, moisturize, deodorize and accessorize.

Last night I watched the John Waters classic "Hairspray" in the company of a deliciously tasty accessory. Mmmmmmmmm........ And the films holds up beautifully, so much so that I wonder why they even did the Broadway musiczal in the first place, because this movie has the look and feel of one, which is why I like it so much. Not to mention the choreography uses actual period dances, whereas on Broadway they resorted to the same stand ersatz Broadway arm tossing, leg kicking and hip thrusting. I mean, darlings, where is inventiveness when you need it? But I guess we lost that in 1987 when Michael Bennett died. Too bad Baayork or Donna did not get their hands ont his show; they would have made something of it!!!!!!!!!!!!

And speaking of shows, what are all my girls doing for this year's Tony awards/???? Well, I am watching in creature comfort at a Tony Awards party for two, and no, you bitches, I do NOT mean me and my right hand!!!!!!!! There may just be hands all over me, in fact! But we are rooting for "Memphis" to win Best Musical, but if it does not, let SOMETHING, please God, beat out "American Idiot," which is abysmal beyond belief. I mean, darlings, if THIS is the futre of musical theqter, shoot me now!!!!!!!!!!

But let's see how the shows do on Sunday night. Meanwhile I have to get busy here, a cosy evening after work, after a venturesome trip out to Queens, and then who knows??? So have a fabulous weekend, girls, and get those frocks ready for next week and the Mermaid Parade. It is already 51 weeks since the LAST one, and they seem to come around quicker and quicker.

Time stands still for no one, girls! Not even Joan Rivers, though Lord knows she tries. Don't you be scapel happy like Joan, sweets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Girls, Who Thought 'Bees' Could Be So Interesting!!!!!!!

Darlings, last night I watched "The Secret Lives of Bees," based on Sue Monk Kidd's lovely novel, and all I can say, girls, is, thank GOD I had a big, strong shoulder to cry on and dry my tears. Not just a big shoulder, but the biggest, strongest and handsomest. Damn right. But what a cast--Dakota Fanning, on the verge of young womanhood, just like ME, darlings, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keyes, and I cannot even spell the name of the actress who plays May, the tragic sister, but what a performance in a most difficult role. I have to say May comes off better in the movie than the book, because though Kidd's prose is fluid, she just doesn't quite capture May as well as her screen portrayer. And that pink house girls, I have GOT to have it. A porch swing, lemonade in the shade, those big, strong can bet more than bees will be buzzing then. But, darlings, it was a fanstastic evening and a memorable viewing expereince.

I just hope all my girls out there have equally memorable viewing experiences!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss kiss, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, It Is Time Once Again For Bitch Of The Week!!!!!!

Thursday already, darlings, and true to form, just when you think a winner will not be selected, one will appear, though the reasons for this distinction go farther back than what was in the press recently.

The winnoer of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is----Lindsay Lohan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some of my girls may wonder, "Why?' Others may ask, "How come she hasn't turned up soone?"

Well, to start with, Linsay had been keeping a low profile, but that was till the other day, when a source leaked she had acquired yet another arrest warrant for her misbehavior related to alcohol. Honey, even JUDY (Garland) did not tank this fast. So this was enough to put her in the public eye and give her serious condiseration. But The Raving Queen, whom I will have you know, is America's Most Homosexual Homosexual, has a memory that just will not quit. At least for now. And that memory hearkened back to when Lindsay was filming Robert Altman's "A Prairie Home Companion." Listen up, girls!!!!!!!!

It seems that on that set there were the ususal highjinks from Lindsay. Poor Altman, who certainly knew how to deal with actors of all sorts--look at "Nashville", darlings--had his hands full. So two of his leading ladies, Miss Lily Tomlin, and the Divine Meryl Streep, took Lindsay aside for some girl talk. They basically told her that if she wanted to last in the business, let alone make it out of her twenties, she had better straighten up and fly right!!!!!!!!!!! To think that two actresses, one our World's Best, took Lindsay aside out of compassion and consideration. But now comes the reason why she is this week's Bitch Of The Week!!!!

She did not listen!!!!!!!!!!

Not to Lily Tomlin. And worse yet--NOT TO THE DIVINE MERYL STREEP!!!!!!!!!!
Honey, if Meryl Streep tells you to do something, YOU DO IT, because this comes from such a font of knowledge and inspiration. Look at her career. And the woman has raised three daughters, none of whom behave this way, so she knows her stuff when it comes to girls. Of course she does, loves! Because Meryl can do anything!!!!!!!

But that bitch Lindsay just would not listen. And look what it is gotten her now. Meryl must be shaking her head in exasperation. But not to worry, girls. Anyone with the hubris to ignore the warnings of LA DIVINE MERYL is not destined to be around for awhile. So think about that, bitch!!!!! We just lost Britney Murphy this year; Miss Lohan has been an accident waiting to happen for a long time, and that time is cropping up closer and closer.

So we salute Lindsay as our Bitch Of The Week. We would like to wish her many more, but many is not a word that seems destined for her vocabulary. Meanwhile, girls, should MERYL give you a piece of advice, you had better damn well heed it. I always do what MERYL says.

Till next week, darlings, because there are more bitches, known and not, waiting in those wings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ta ta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Darlings, This At Last Could Be My Chance To Be BARBRA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, from 1964, when she first set onstage at the Winter Garden in "Funny Girl," every burgeoning gay man has wanted to be BARBRA!!!! By the time I got the cast album, honey, I am telling you my "Coronet Man" was one for the ages!!!! Now, after hearing that "Annie" is to be revived on Broadway in 2012, comes the news, that "Funny Girl" is to be the same, directed by Bartlett Sher, who did such a great job with the Lincoln Center South Pacific. Darlings, I am telling you here and now--I AM GOING AFTER THAT ROLE!!!! I would much rather play Fanny Brice than Annie. Once Sher hears me do "I'm The Greatest Star," he will sign me, I am certain. And with that iconic finish to "Don't Rain On My Parade" via the Staten Island ferry in the movie, you know the new staging will somehow incorporate that. Just think--me at the helm, going "Hey, Mr. Arnnnnnnnnnnnstein!!!!!!!!!! Here I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Honey, it is enough to make BARBRA herself tremble. Now, granted, Patti Lupone in her recent Newark concert did a rendition of 'Don't Rain' that would make BARBRA proud. She would not be bad, except Patti does have some years on me. Not just age, but in the business, and I know they want a fresh, nautral performer who can play an ingenue, and since my PROFESSIONAL age, darlings, is only 24, that means ME!!!!!!! I am ready to hit the stage--on roller skates or not! I don't want to be offered Eddie or Mrs. Brice--though I COULD play them--I want to play Fanny. I have waited for this break all my life!!!! This is MY Tony Award!!!!! Why don't we start a Facebook campaign for me to play the role, just like Betty White with SNL.

Unless Betty White wants to play Fanny. Now THAT I would like to see!!!!!!

See you all at the cssting call, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Girls, Going Down That Rabbit Hole Is Just Not As Much Fun As We Thought It Woudl Be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, several days back I wrote about wanting to be Alice and go down the rabbit hole. What fun that would be I thought, especially to enter Wonderland. Well, last night I sure went for a tumble. After dinner with the Girls at the World Famous Malibu, where the Eilite meet to eat (at a quarter to nine!) there I was walkling down the steps to catch the #1 uptown at 23rd and Seventh Avenue, per usual. I was just several steps from the bottom when out went my right foot, and off I went into space, my bag and book flying in alternate directions. I don't know how, but I managed to fall forward, and the next thing I knew I was sitting on my keister in a state of shock. Fortunately, someone stopped to ask about me and helped get me up, another handed me my book through the gates, and while my dignity was bruised, not much else was, fortunately. So do not be too anxious about rabbit holes girls. I know, that as gay men, darlings, we like to explore all sorts of holes-manholes, glory holes, potholes...and I am stopping right there--but such explorations have all sorts of consequences and mine told me at this point I have to hang on to subway raililngs, rather than go racing down the steps like some sort of overage Yupppie. I mean, I am certainly not James Spader!!!! So watch you step at all times, girls, and thank God I wasn't in heels!!!! My girdle got unaligned, but I could deal with that. Remember--better an unaligned girdle than traction in a hospital.

Now--on to a different topic. Can you believe that in 2012, to comemeorate the show's 35th year anniversary, "Annie" is going to be revived. And they are going to tinker with the script!!!!!! What???? Are you kidding? They said it will NOT be updated, so what the hell can they do???? But I am telling you, I am ready to fill the Mary Jane shoes of Miss Andrea McArdle and do the title role. That's right, lambs--I want to play Annie, and I don't want to hear anyone say I cannot do it. The sun will come out tomorrow, you damn well better beiieve it. I could even understudy as the evil Miss Hannigan, so the producers would save money by getting two leads for the price of one. And if needed I could step in as Bert Healy.

But honey nothing could equal that original production of "Annie" which you better believe I saw, and defined my musical theatergoing years. So instead of donning red wigs once again, let's salute those, like Andrea, who wore it the first time.

And no more tumbles down the subway, girls, Only in the bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you soon, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Darlings, When You Need Home Repairs, Or A Bridal Planner, Call Meryl!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, girls, I am talking about the FABULOUS Meryl Streep, who can do ANYHING! This past weekend I had the coziest, most romantic viewing of "Mamma Mia!" ever, and I am telling you, when you see Meryl fixing the window with the drill and repairing the crack in the ground, well, it outdoes anything a beans n'franks lesbian can do because in the first place Meryl is more accomplished, and of course it almost goes wtihout saying, she is more ATTRACTIVE.

When I saw Meryl with drill, tears welled up in my eyes. And when Amanda Seyried sat in her lap, while Meryl polished her toes....well, all I can say is on MY wedding day, I sure as hell want Meryl there to dress me and polish my toes. Sweeties, I can assure you that when this film was first released, thousands of men all over America wanted Meryl to come to their house and do home repairs. And so did their wives, because Meryl would damn well do a better job than those husbands!!!!! And us girls--and gays--all want Meryl to do us up on our bridal day. "Mamma Mia!" is just SO inspiring. And to add to this, Meryl not only sings but she does a trampoline split on a bed, and a cannonball dive off a pier into an ocean full of water.

And, darlings, when she sings "The Winner Takes It All," tears just came to my eyes, because Meryl takes this song to a level of artistry it has never had before, and never will again. But thank God it had Meryl. And then Meryl runs up those steps to that church above the water, and does not even break a sweat. There is simply no limit.

I mean, when you are a consultant to the Virgin Mary on matters of fashion and world peace, you can see, girls, how important Meryl's job is. It isn't just being the World's Greatest Actress, though she is.

Now, before all of you go out to your hair salons and dress shops and tell your makers, "I want to be MERYL," take a chill pill, darlings, because you can;t. There is only ONE Meryl, and let us thank our stars we have her. Even with a supporting cast that would rival anything on Broadway, MERYL will not be upstaged. Not even by the brilliant art direction. I mean, girls, she enhances it.

So, as soon as I have a date for my wedding, I am calling MERYL. As for home repairs, she is welcome at my door anytime.

Don't tie up that phone trying to reach Meryl, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Darlings, We Learn Something New Every Day!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, we are still mourning the passing of the great Rue McClanahan, who we all wanted to be, back when she was on "The Golden Girls." She will be missed.

But this morning, darlings, I was flipping through a book on 20th Century Fashion, and I discovered that Miss Diane Von Furstenberg was the one who created the wrap dress!!!!!!!!! So the next time you wrap yourselves up for an evening out, remember you have Diane to thank, lambs! You know those two doyennes of New York Society, the Misses Janice and Annette? Well, they lunch with Diane every week, pointing out fashion tips and advice along the way. It is a secret where they dine, but rumor has it is is Babo. Or possibly Esca. Now that these ladies are of leisure, I think they should have lunch with Anna (Wintour) one day a week, to set her straight. I mean, Andre Leon Talley, come on! Who are we kidding, girls!!!!!!!

So wrap yourself good this weekend in your best light brocades, and think of Diane when you do.

Happy Weekend Dreams, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Darlings, We Mourn The Passing Of A True Golden Girl!!!!!!!!

Girls, back in the 80s, when we were young, "The Golden Girls" showed us what it would be like for us gals as we got older. And now that we are, we can take pride in what this show acccomlished. Alas, today, we lost the third Golden Girl, and my personal favorite--Rue McClanahan!!!!!! Honey, I can still do her Blanche Deveraux walk from the show's opening credits, and with her wild side, don't you girls all know I so wanted to be Rue and Blanche!!!!! Well, maybe I am, and maybe I will be as I get older. But at 76, we mourn the passing of Rue, a great "Golden Girl" and a great actress--she was wonderful as the Countess in the recent revival of "The Women," and I was so glad for the chance to see her on stage.

RIP, Rue! We will always love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, The Curse Of "Diff'rent Strokes" Goes On!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, it may take "Diff'rent Strokes" to move the world, yes, it does, but that show has a curse hanging over it, and now the death of Gary Coleman lays bare another facet of it. First, he dies sadly and young at 42. Now it has become questionable whether Shannon Price, his shifty wife, who is a piece of work, had permission from the doctor to take him off life support. That is right, she may have instigated his death, making her the Regina Giddins of her generation. You remember Regina, darlings. That was Bette Davis in "The Little Foxes," who let her husband, Horace, played by Herbert Marshall, die of a heart attack on the stairs. The truth will out, but let me tell you, at this point Shannon Price may not be only looking at a prison sentence, but at a future designation as Raving Queen Bitch of the Week. I am not sure which is worse, let me tell you, because being Bitch of the Week, and having it known, could be detrimental to any career, ecept mine, girls, which depends on my ability to be a total bitch. Oh, and Anna Wintour, too; she would not be the bitch we LOVE without her bitchiness. But that Andre Leon Talley, honey what kind of an act is he pulling? Is he trying to be the Black Anna? Forget it; not when there is Miss "The Boss" Diana Ross out there! But as Mary Wilson once said, "Miss Ross, my ass!" and Diana is one bitch who bette watch it with me! But right now we have to keep our eyes on Shannon Price, and let me tell you, girls, I will report back to you as soon as I find out anything!

Just when you think you know all the bitches, another one appears, or is in the making! Stay tuned for more, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Bitch Will NOT Be Ignored!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, it is time once again for this weeks's Bitch Of The Week Award. And this winner is something of a first, for she is known for fictitious and REAL reasons for sucn.

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is--Glenn Close!!!!!!!

Now, I know most of my girls out there know that the main reason for Glenn claiming this distinction is her iconic portrayal of Alex Forrest in the 1987 film classic--and what a hoot!--"Fatal Attraction." What Glenn did with Medusa hair and a black raincoat raised bitchery to a new height of fashion sophistication, darlings. Hell, we all wanted to look like Glenn as Alex, and go out prowling and trolling the sex clubs of lower Manhattan. And believe me, lambs, some of us did. I could tell you stories about people I knew..........

But Alex was also truly fucked up. Because when it got to the point where she boiled Ellen's (the Gallaghers six year old daughter) pet rabbit, well, let me tell you, not even Veda went THAT far. And truthfully, I don't think Veda would. Wanting money and prestiege, looking down on your family's lower class origins is one thing. But to wreck a man's marriage, even if the schlub husband is a gullible fool, to involve the wife, who is completely innocent, and then to traumatize his daughter for life, or at least to a point where she is going to need YEARS of therapy to understand what was going on in her house at that time, Alex goes beyond the realm of bitches we LOVE into bitches who are just plain bitches and need to be taken donw a peg or two. See how she felt if Dan had boiled her wardrobe. Now, if he had been smart, THAT is how he would have handled things, and then all his trouble would have been finished, as this would have freaked out Alex right into the mental institution she so rightfully belonged in. Theis would be enough alone to secure Glenn the honor of our Bitch OF The Week.

But wait, darlings, there is more!

Last night, I was chatting with this acquaintance of mine, Andy. He works for an interior designer, a woman, whom he says is a tough cookie, in the great Anna Wintour tradition. As well she should be, and we LOVE Anna! Now Andy told me that Glenn had at one point been a client of theirs, and she was just so, well, Alex Forrest they found her impossible to deal with. He said she actually made his boss--a tough cookie--cry! Bitch, you better not mess with ME!!!!! I say send Glenn over to Conde Nast and have a few words with Anna Wintour herself, and believe me, Anna will put her in HER place. Imagine if she had lunch with Anna and I at the same table; she would learn who the true bitches are, and she would clam up, and go back to being the docile thing she was in "The Natural' before her career and ambition took off.

It sounds like Glenn Close is taking her "Fatal Attraction" perona too much off the screen and bringing it into her own. I say she better clam up if she wants to maintain a career. But right now she is our Bitch Of The Week, and we salute her!
But watch out, Glenn! This could be the start of many "rasberry honors."

Honors to all of you, my girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Darlings, You Have No Idea What It Was Like Being Rimmed By A Peacock!!!!!!!!!!

Would I lie to you, girls??? And, no I am NOT into bestialilty. But first predatory lesbians and now lascivious peacocks. WHAT is going on.

Here is what happened. On Memorial Day, Tom, my cherub, and I took a train down to Hamilton Township, to visit our friends Bill and Steven. Oh, Steven, that Vicious Queen!!!! They have the most charming honeymoon cottage in Ewing Township, and you should see their Master Bedroom, dears; it is like a Monument To Love!!!! Happy Little Housewives. Steven made a lovely tomato and Mozarella appetizer, with drinks, salsa and chips, and later delicious hot dogs and burgers, with Bill's homemade potato salad, which outdid anything that dye haired bitch Martha Steward could concoct. At least Bill's hair is all natural!!!!

Well, that afternoon we went to the exqusite Ground Sculpture Garden, not too far from where they live. It was exqusiite; darlings, with the lakeside vistas and the trees pouring out onto the water, I felt like Alice. I kept looking for the White Rabbit and a hole to plunge down. But, hell, I am gay, so I am always looking for holes, anyway. The grounds that this is on used to be the site of the New Jersey State Fair years back. What do I know? For reasons that cannot be explain, several peacocks run freely throughout the gardens. I think they like to show off; because they were loud; the ones down in Johnson Park when I was a child did not make this racket. Well, there was this one bird that just would not leave me alone!!! Everywhere it seemed I was being followed. He keept flashing his tail feathers behind me. And one time he literally, when I was standing still looking at a piece of sculpture, came up behind me, and stuck his beak in an intimate back area that--well, only one person is allowed to go there. But this bird was as bold as brass--like he was trying, I kid you not, to rim me! I am telling you, darlings, this peacock was gay!!!!! And then it was pecking at my shorts--my panties, darlings!--like he wanted to pull them off! Does he think I am THAT cheap???? Indeed.

So I am warning you, if you ever go to these gardens--and I recommend you do--watch out for the peacocks! Or at least this particular one!

Pecking at my panties, indeed! Make sure, girls, that all your panty peckers are by invitation only!!!!!!!!!! Thank God for Miss Poter's!!!!!!

Who knows what is next, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Darlings, I Am SO Alice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I have always been intriscially drawn to "Alice In Wonderland," ever since my grandmother first read to me ther version from "Walt Disney's Story Treasury," from which I took off and learned to read myself. I just LOVED the illustration of Alice going down the Rabbit Hole, and wouldn't you just know, dolls, I wanted to go down that hole myself. And when I got to Disneyland--THE one and only in Anaheim, CA--back in 1964, at the age of 9 and the summer preceding the release of "Mary Poppins"--you can bet my favorite ride was the Alice In Wonderland ride, where you ride through caterpillar seats into the world of Wonderland depicted in the Disney film. And let me tell you, lambs, at NO other Disney park--in FLA or anywhere else--have they EVEr had this attraction. I wonder why.

Which brings me to the present. A few daya ago I was reading a biography of Lewis Carroll, entitled "The Mystery of Lewis Carroll," that proceeds to debunk all the myths having grown up about him--cheif among them that he was a pedophile, which he was NOT. Now, darlings, with all this referencing of his most celebrated work, I started thinking it was time to reread it, which I did this weekend, and wouldn't you know girls, I wanted to slip into my blue pinafore dress with white apron, hair pulled back, curled up in an armachair sipping tea, and trying to go through holes and mirrors. I tried to do the latter in our house growing up, when I was seven or eight, only to fall off the mantle! And yesterday we went to the Ground Sculpture Gardens, in Hamilton NJ, and with the lake and trees and all, didn't I feel like Alice having Adeventures In Wonderland. Hoeny, go ask me when I am ten feet tall!!!!!!!

But I am SOOOOOOOO Alice, girls, because don't you know we all want to slip away someplace to a wonderland of our own. Just like Neil Sedaka in the song! You can just forget about Tim Burton, loves, when it comes to 'Alice' accept NO substitutes--the only REAL things being Lewis Carroll and John Tenniel.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son! Honey, we LOVE the Jabberwock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!