Thursday, September 24, 2009

Girls, I Am SO In Need of A Shopping Excursion!!!!

Of course, darlings, you would think I have been excurting all week, what with "Little House On The Prairie--The Musical" at Paper Mill on Sunday, and "The Royal Family" on Tuesday, it seems like it has been one grand ball with theater after theater night.

Well in a manner of speaking, it has. But then there is the other side.
It seems like every workplace has a toxic character or two. Let me tell you about Miss Toxicity where I work. Miss Tox, to coin a phrase, is a post middle aged, overbearing cow, with the sallow face of a vulture, who thinks she is in a position of authortiy, when in actuality she would not pass muster as one of Santa's elves on the assembly line. She prowls the hallways like the vice principal of a middle school, making libelous statements to staff members when she has no idea what is going on. The majoirty of us are educated well beyond she, and care about doing a professional job; honey, with my Anna Wintour instincts you know I do, but this kind of behavior is insulting when it is administered to by someone as out of touch with the nature of how things are done as Miss Tox.

Oh, but there is more. So some of us are not trained enough to work certain spots where we are supposed to? Well, whose fault is that? And how can we be trained when people will not give up their little fiefdoms? Someday this place is going to need us to run things, and then what do you do? Send an actor onstage in a lead role after a cold reading???? Well that is what is going on here. Listen, you give me a cold reading, babycakes and I will run with it! But I will not be ignored and I will not be plotted against. Which is what is happening. And my friend Harvey is not the only one who can file lawsuit, either! I have enough on a lot of people here to send them to the slammer for good!

Listen, I can run this place better than ANYONE here, and if things do not change I am ging to give it a chance! I have already designed MY schedule for next week, and compared to what the actual one is, there is a world of difference. If was not sure I would say I was being forced out of here, well they are not going to succeed. They are going to have to physically push me out the door! But not before I get my licks in!

Girls, I have been so upset I have not been able to cook. Now I have to deal with the dentist, and after getting a Julia Child cookbook, I DO have to come up with something! So
that is the story girls, and I promise you there is more to follow! It's going to get better and more EXPLOSIVE! Hope my make-up isn't ruined!!!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Girls, There Is So Much That Needs To Be Said!!!

Well, darlings, I finished my nice, relaxing, serial killer story, "The Rosary Girls," and it left me starved for more by Richard Montanarri, who writes exclusively books about serial killers! He should talk to some of my dates. Or I should tell him about him. And he stumped me--the killer did NOT turn out to be Patrick Farrell, but a minor figure, an ambulance paramedic named Andrew Chase. Now, most of the time, I have sympathized with serial killers; they have generally been done wrong by life, usually women, which I can relate to going back to high school and Mrs. Santamarina and the whole goddamn National Honor Society...honey, don't get me started, and the motive for the killer in the novel is sympathetic enough, but it does not justify killing the victims he does, and it leaves some questions unanswered.

Basically, this is the story of Andrew Chase and his wife Katherine, a young, married couple, expecting their first child. On a stormy Christmas eve, alone in a Burger King, Katherine's water breaks, and she goes into labor. Jessica Balazano, a rookie police officer, happens to be on the scene, and while she tries to get help, an exceptionally bad snowstorm makes it difficult, so she tries getting Katherine to the hospital, but she miscarries in the back seat of Jessica's car. Later that evening, her crazed husband Andrew throws blood over the door of St. Katherine's church. Though the Chases are told they can have other children, Katherine does not conceive and this puts a strain on Katherine's nerves and the marriage. Three years later, maddened by loss and grief that have not been dealt with, Andrew concocts a bizarre scheme to kill five Catholic school girls during Holy Week, with each one recreating a scene from the Sorrowful Mysteries. But none of the girls--Nicole Taylor, Tessa Wells, Bethany Price, Lauren Samanski, as well as Chase's compatriot Simon Close deserve to die, as they have done nothing to them directly. If I were a serial killer, darlings, I would go after those members of the National Honor Society who got what I should have--David Clewell, David A. Cohen, David L. Cohen, Diane Dykeman (that bitch!!!!) , Alan Karo, Kathryn Quaintence, Roberta Widman (Miss Princess Bitch) and Paula Weiss, as well as Teddy Klaus(he got all the attention!!!!). But then this iss real life and I am NOT a serail killer. But I DON'T forget!!!!

So Andrew knocks off those who do not deserve it, and thereby becomes a monster. It is his hope that these girls will act as sacrifices that will lead to the resurection of his stillborn infant daughter. Insane, but it makes sense. What does NOT--and I challenge Mattanarri to tell me why--is the final act of Chase sewing together the girls vaginas. To preserve their chastity??
He obviously has no issues with vaginas as he has pounded disgusting pussy. But in the meantime his wife has recently been committed to a mental institution so he is not getting any, which may lead to him doing this to resist temptation. But the sewing thing makes no sense.

Nor does Chase's capacity for evil, because while the death of his daughter and subsequent marital deterioration unhinged him, this capacity comes from somewhere or sometime long before this incident took place--in his upbringing or peer experience during his early years--and Mattanarri never lets us in on that.

Honey, I know my serial killers. That is why I have started my side business--SKI--Serial Killers, Incorporated. Looking for a serial killer? I will help you find one! Not for recruitment purposes--there are other organizations for that but for surcease. If you or your family have been victimized by a serial killer I will track the scum/lowlife down and psychologically annilihate him to the point where he is BEGGING for prison or execution!!!!!! So remember that, darlings--Serial Killers, Incorporated.

Speaking of scum, how about that Raymond Clark III? He is a piece of work, with his "needs to be in charge attitude." Reminds me of a fat bitch coworker of mine, who better keep her fat mouth shut, because there could be a workplace violence incident here too if she is not careful because her insidious behavior towards everyone incites hatred from all! And I am NOT one to take crap from ANYONE! Let alone White Trash!

Let me tell you, I would like just five minutes in a room with that Clark scum. I would take him apart, and then he would WISH to be locked up! Cut his balls off, and castrate him, I say!!!!

Darlings, see, there IS more to me than society balls! But I cannot wait to read more Richard Mattanarri, and see what happens to that scum Clark. And I still want vengeance on not having the adolescence I should have had which has led to me not fulfilling my potential, and becoming not just a Raving Queen, but a Bitter Old One.

Oh, and let's hope no nail biopsy. The dentist will be bad enough on Monday. But not to worry, girls! Despite the somewhat grim tone of this entry, I LOVE you all, and will return with more social mayhem soon!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Honestly, There Is Nothing Like A Nice, Relaxing Serial Killer Story!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, with all the stress I have been under, "The Rosary Girls" is such fun. Some sicko in Philly is offing Catholic teenage schoolgirls, so you have the whole skirt and nymphet, factor, darlings, which reminds me of the Catholic school girls of my youth who easily fell into two categories--repressed religious nuts whose virginity was maxed, and sluts who began gulping penecillin pills as soon as they started ovulating. One of these was Christine Oswald, and let me tell you, she and her frateranl twin Eric were a piece of work. Somehow they made it through 8 grades at St Paul's but could not get in any parochial high schools because they were so dumb. Eric was named Freshman Playboy of the Year and Chris had so many names, and you know them all. But she went the way of all sluts, coming to a bad end that she probably deserved in a car accident, because you can bet that if she was like this in high school she got worse and blowsy looking as an adult!

But, lambs, we just love our serial killer in this book, and I am pretty sure I know who it is--that guy Patrick--so we shall see if I am right, loves. I want to get into his sick, sordid, twisted
mind to see what is motivating him to sew up vaginas. That's one way to keep a bitch quiet!!!!
I think there is more than religion motivating him, and I may have to stay up all night to find out why.
Hell, I love serial killers so much I probably have dated a couple in my time. You can bet I won't cook for them!!! In fact I have this side business called Serial Killers Incorporated. Are you looking for a serial killer? I will help you find one. My mission is to track down serial killers and psychologically annilhtate them until they are BEGGING for prison or execution. And let me say up front I am only dealing with MALE serial killers, because those female ones are just too skanky for me! But this is getting away from the subject--girls, curl up tonight and relax with a nice serial killer story, like "The Rosary Girls. It will make you think and, honey let me tell you that is an achievement! So have a great evening girls, and read whatever serial killer story you can find! Nothing beats it!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Darlings, I Simply Cannot Wait To Get Back To My Own Kitchen!!!!!

Girls, it has been TOO LONG since I have cooked anything--over a week! I need to keep up my culinary skills, because now that I am arising before 5 to attend Mass in the City, I need a windown regimen in the evenings, and that would be cooking. I have enough material on hand for a pasta casserole; I need some chicken and I need some greens for salad, and probably some milk for those omelettes. And tonight I have an obligation to attend my friend Tom's dress rehearsal at Blood Manor, an annual Halloween season haunted house attraction on West 27th Street--in Chelsea, can you believe it?-- that you walk through and actors enact spooks and all sorts of supernatural deviants. Tom is one of the deviants, and I know he will be superb! I can't wait to see how this plays out. But it means another night of not getting home till almost 9, so we will have to see what I can cook. I think I will anyway because tomorrow I have this last minute musical theater presentation I am supposed to do, then I have to dash off to find out if I have cancer or not--again, girls, can you believe it? but this is my life!--and then to the Center to honor my volunteer committment. I am telling you, darlings, could Anna Wintour keep up with my schedule? I seriously doubt it! And still I manage to look glamorous in my designer shirts and everything. Even if I am ill I am not about to abandon fashion or cooking. Not to mention planning my October trip to Florida--girls, when does it stop? It doesn't, honey, until you are dead, which I am certainly in no hurry for--my God, I haven't read "Ulysses" yet--so stay tuned for more tomorrow when I go through the day like I am on speed. This one should be a leisurely stroll by comparison, darlings!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Girls, You Must Be Wondering Where I Have Been!!!!

Do any of you think I would forget my faithful readers? My darlings???? Well, let me tell you it has been a rocky couple of days. Sunday began so perky but descended into malaise and isolation where I could not move myself from the couch by being emotionally overwhelmed by the burden that is my life. Now while some of you may think it is all about lunch with Meryl, Amy or Anna, sometimes, girls, things can get a bit daunting, what with potential cancer and major dental work looming on the horizon! Plus maintaining my career glam NYC job which I have to take time off from to tend to my medical needs, which leaves me behind on things I need to do here. But I am back, loves, so never think you are forsaken!!!!

Still no husband or personal asssitant! Cannot believe there are no enterprising young men in this town called New York who are dying to work for them. They get from me a recommendation to a top flight firm; maybe even a job with Anna!

And I haven't cooked for days! May God, Meryl and Amy forgive me! If Amy knew, I don't know what she would do, but then I am not invincible like she and Meryl!!!!

Oh, honey, I am telling you, what I have to face on Thursday and Monday!!!! Have mercy on me, lambs! But don't think for a second that I am going to neglect my reading, accessories and designers! Especially since this is Fashion Week, which I will report on next week, as I bring news firthand of what is to come this spring!

Darlings, don't you just love it! Now find me a man NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Happy "Frank Mills" Day, Girls!!!!!

Yes, darlings, we have arrived at another September 12. For those who do not yet know the importance of this day, the following:

"I met a boy called Frank Mills,
On September 12th, right here, in front of the Waverly.
But, unforutnately, I lost his address.
He was last seen with his friend,
A drummer,
He resembles George Harrsion of the Beatles,
But he wears his hair tied in a small bow at the back.
I love him, but it embarasses me,
To walk down the street with him.
He lives in Brooklyn somewhere, and wears this white crash helmet.
He has gold chains on his leather jacket,
And on the back are written the names,
Mary, and Mom, and Hell's Angels.
I would gratefully appreciate it,
If you see him, tell him,
I'm in the park, with my girlfriend,
And please,
Tell him Angela and I,
Don't want the two dollars back.
Just him."

Since 1978, save for 9/11, I have been performing this at said location and will do so again tonight. Girls, I have vocalized and I am ready. Especially after seeing the cutest bunch of girls in the cutest show last night, "The Marvelous Wonderettes." Honey, it is all the girl group songs of our youth, and I am telling you I was surprised there was no dancing in the aisles, especailly during "The Shoop Shoop Song." Then tonight I am having dinner with my cherub, and hopefuly on Monday will find out what can be done about my foot. I telll you, I feel like I am falling apart, which I cannot do, what with the Fall season upon us--shows, operas, galas and openings! And I have to have a wardrobe for each occasion. Where is that personal assistant I need? How come I have not recieved any applications? Darlings, I am simply FABULOUS to work for! And think of the credit for your resume! So polish yours off, dolls and apply. Meanwhile get out there and enjoy yourselves because soon we will all be operating from indoors!

And find me a husband!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Girls, So Much To Do On Such A Tragic Day!

Darlings, can you believe that eight years ago, the city we live in and how we live those lives was changed forever? Of course we still have glamour and bitches; after all, I am still here, but the concept of safety, air travel, and homeland security was challenged by the famed WTC attack on this day. Who would have tht the baby boomers--my generation would get ANOTHER benchmark day in their lives; you're generally just granted one, but we have two--the first, of course, being November 22, 1963, and now today, thanks to 2001! Girls, I am telling you, when those lights start going, another year will have passed, and tears will pour down my face!

Meanwhile, lambs, I have done my fianancial transactions! Now I have to pick up a coat, check for yellow squash at the market, pick up the laundry, cook something, refill medicine, try and get my hair done (Oh my GOD!!!!) and then meet Donna in front of Dallas BBQ by six PM!
I ask you, girls, how do I do it? And still with my foot situation; I mean, how much will I accomplish, darlings? And of course I am warming up my vocal cords, because you KNOW what tomorrow is, and I am going to be ready!!! Maybe I will make YouTube this year! You hear that? I should be in front of the Waverly tomorrow eve between six thirty and seven, so if someone wants to videotape and put it on YouTube, darlings, you go ahead!!!!!!

I mean, if Anna Wintour--yes, ANNA--can turn up at a Macy's in Elmhurst, Queens, then anything is possible! And those merchants, to be granted a visitation from GOD!!!!!!!!
I mean, darlings, if Anna came to me, I would have to redesign and reconfigure in one day. And I would have to relocate for Meryl Streep and Amy Adams!!!!!

But today, darlings, it is all about accomplishing my domestic errands,and trying to get on with my life and my mission of glamour and fame! Stay tuned till next time, loves!!!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Girls, How Am I To Get Through This Day!!!!

Darlings, while slaving away at my wage earning tasks, I suddenly realized I did not take my morning meds, which includes my anti-depressant. So no wonder I have been feeling somewhat less than perky today. What with some recent decisions I have made--like evicting closeted gays from my life-- I have reason not to feel so up. No wonder I need a personal assistant. Perhaps I should put up an ad at the LGBT Center, and see what happens!

Tomorrow, girls, I am off and I have a FULL day ahead. I have to pick up laundry, pay bills,
put clothes away, try to cook something--either a pasta casserole or Audrey's squash one-- hit the bookstores to find a copy of Cheever's "The Wapshot Chronicles," and meet Donna in front of the Dallas BBQ at 6:15. We are suppose to say the girl group show "The Marvelettes," and, girls, I am telling you it should be loads of fun!!!! And then I have to work on Saturday. My God, I haven't had time to call Rob, and I have to find out what is going on there. Tonight, darlings, I hope to see all my fans at the Center, and then we will hold court, darlings!

Tea and sugar, love!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, You Won't Believe What I Need!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, you have heard ad nauseum on here about how I need a husband. Not that that will not stop until I walk down the aisle, BUT, after seeing "The September Issue" with the bitch we all love, Anna Wintour, it occured to me that what I need is a Personal Assistant.

Darlings, my mornings are jam packed. I need someone to take my phone calls, draw my shower, answer the door, make the coffee so that when I enter the kitchen each morning it is handed to me hot, so I can curl my legs on the divan and sip, like Carol Lawrence for General Foods International Coffee, and contemplate the day ahead. Then I want someone to call for car service, which will pick me up and drive me to the office, with a stop at Starbucks along the way.
And of course the car has to wait for me after the office, whether I am going to the Center, the theater, movies, bookstores, after which it will take me home and I will have someone to help wind down this day and get me ready for bed. I mean, maybe with all this, I could do without a husband. For awhile, at least!

So, honeys, if any of you out there want this job, apply here. Your benefit is working for someone as FABULOUS as I, knowing you are servicing humanity by helping one of the most celebrated people in this city we call New York!!!! I will be interviewing as soon as I can.

Another thing to be said, is I have had it with people taking over the subway. I mean, no one has respect for space. There are I am sandwiched between a man listening to his own sounds and this bitch, who couldn't move, but crowded me in deliberately, hoping they would push me out of the seat and have more space for themselves. I saw those bitches across the way, staring at me, and you can believe, darlings, this bitch glared right back. I guess that will teach them. But these space hogs have got to get off my train and outta my city before I take some kind of action against them by psychologically annilihating them with my mouth. Which explains why I need a husband. Or at least a personal asssitance.

So, girls, get those resumes in right away. Background and breeding are most important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Girls, What Does It Take To Get An Appoointment In This Town???

And I just don't mean a hair appointment, darlings, though Lord knows how tough that is! I mean, here I am, probably riddled with cancer stemming from my foot, and I can't get an appointment with the nail specialist before October 29. By then I could be dead!!!! And this is all about my Florida vacation, which I have to book in between so I can get home and keep this damn appointment, because God knows when I might get one after this.

Girls, how would you like to be dealing with all this? It's not all Anna Wintour and VOGUE. Thank God I don't look like a harridan like that Grace Coddington, oh my God, I could not let her come through my back door. Like some emigre from Goat Alley!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I die from this cancer, let me tell you, my family will sue the doctor and collect a big sum! Then I can know I did something for them. Meanwhile, here I am, still needing a husband, and now my time may be limited. Well, damnit, I am going to LIVE--hit the shows, the restaurants and the galas while I can and while I am still FABULOUS enough to, darlings! And if you can't stand it, that is just too bad!!!

Kiss me, girls, I'm outta here! Believe me you will get a full report about the 29th!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Darlings, It Was A Picnic Morning Without A Warning!

Girls, I am telling you, what a whirlwind weekend. This social butterfly was flitting from stem to stem. Friday night started with dinner with The Girls at Good Stuff, followed by cooking and rest on Saturday, culminating in a visit to Coney Island, where, lambs, we rode the Spookarama, and saw the 1920 silent version of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" with John Barrymore. What an eexercise in cinema subtlety, with allusions to eroticism, sexual depravity, and I don't know what. Honey, I am telling you, my Puritan consciousness was shocked. On Sunday more rest and then we went into the city to meet Rob, who was captivated, as I knew he would be, by "Julie and Julia," with a good heaping dose of Meryl Streep and Amy Adams. Thank God they are available for remedies, and just wait till they get on DVD. Kitchens and living rooms will be going like crazy. Yesterday we saw the Anna Wintour documentary, "The September Issue," and, listen, if you think I am something to deal with, you should see Anna! Wait till she has to deal with me! And that Grace Caddington--what a frump! She wouldn't be allowed in the cafeteria if I ran VOGUE. But Anna was Anna, even if she did pull in the claws a little, and the outfits were gorgeous, and cameo appearances by key fashion icons--like Oscar De La Renta! I have to hang out with Anna someday soon; my assisitant will have to remind me! But a good time was had by all at this bitchfest, the lesson of which goes like this--If you are going to be a Total Bitch, you MUST drink Starbucks coffee. So now I do lambs. I mean, some may say I am a bitch, but not a TOTAL BITCH! Watch out now,girls. And wish me luck on the Dr. visit this afternoon; I may not be pregnannt, but who knows? Tomorrow, hopefully all will be back to normal!
Happy Bitching, Girls!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Girls, A Picnic Spot Is Our Rendezvous!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, you would NOT believe the last 24 hours I have had--from a doctor's visit where I hear a word I never expected to hear--melanoma--to having to patch things up with my little hamentaschen, to facing facts about a certain closeted lawyer....I mean, darlings, could you handle my life? I don't think so, because sometimes even I can't.

But it IS Friday before Labor Day and we are all waiting for Janice to do "Moonglow" from "Picnic," just like Kim Novak does in the movie. It is one of my workplace's most glamorous and exciting events.

And my phone just rang, which means my message indicator should light up, with either a call from Harvey, Judy or the doctor. I am telling you, girls, the choices I have--between dinner in the city tonight, fireworks at Coney Island, or just prowling the bookstores in search of new literary discoveries. Like the new E.L. Doctorow, about the Collyer brothers, two of the most fascinating men in history. And then there is the possibility of getting my hair done because I might face --oh my God!--Donna McKechnie tomorrow, so you can bet I better limber up at teh barre. My face, my nails!!!!!!!!!!!!

And some of you think this is fiction. Darlings, when this blog was created, I promised to put fiction on here, and I still have not fulfilled my promise. As soon as I finish the short story I am currently working on, I will post it on here, and, sweeties, you better head for the hills. A psychological study of a deeply troubled woman...with some twists and turns along the way!
But speaking of twists and turns, I have to run now, girls, so have a "Picnic" Labor Day weekend, as we wend ourselves indoors to wind down the year!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Girls, Can You Believe It Is September????

Darlings, when we get into what I call the "ber" months, you can kiss the year goodbye, as things move steadily towards the end. To think that it came around so quickly, when I still have such vivid memories of last January!!!! Well, here we are, with the fall season on the horizon, Fashion Week looming, and Labor Day literally around the corner. Now that I have done my chocolate cream pie, it is back to more dining cuisine, perhaps Audrey's squash casserole. But first I have to finish my Italian dish. And make another for next week. Girls, I am telling you, once you get into the kitchen it just does not stop. So I will be cooking more this weekend, trying to see "The September Issue," maybe see 'Dr Jekyll' at Coney with Tom and a movie on Sunday with Rob. And tonight, darlings, I am back in my stint at the Center Library. Girls, I am just going to stay on this track, and I will blog and blog until I get the same, albeit different results as Julie Powell. And wait till I rip open about some other people, the way I did about Dorothy Swerdlove. When the mood strikes me, girls, when the mood strikes me!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Girls, Only In The Movies Are Home Repairmen Hunky!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, you just won't believe the day I had yesterday. I needed to have my stove and toilet looked at, and after twenty plus years of watching the likes of Eric Evans, Shane Cole and Hank Hightower enact repairmen, I naturally thought those that came to work on my apparati would be like them. Are you kidding? Sweethearts, they were more like Mr. Breakstone on the Cottage Cheese commericals, where the only one interested in him is the Little Nipper dog, nipping at his leg! Now, I suppose there are plenty of chubby chasers who might take after Mr. Breakstone, but, dolls, I am not one of those! So I spent a rather pleasurable day confined in my apartment, eating my cooking and plowing through "Middlemarch" and what has been touted as its latter day equivalent, "Lake Overturn" by Vestal McIntyre. Not to be confused with a vesta virgin, darling, although, heavens knows I am often mistaken for one! Such compelling books and two great writers--it is rare I am on the same track at the same time but I am.

Today, loves, it is back to the cubicle in my girdle and panties where I slave away, hoping for fame and the chance to get to speak to Donna McKechnie on Saturday. I am damn well going to do my barre exercises that morning! And soon it will be time for Janice to do "Moonglow" and for all of us to sing "On A Picnic Morning, Without A Warning!" Girls, I am just bursting, if only I had someone to burst for. But the prospect of men is abysmal. Maybe I should go for something young and tender! Like prime fillet! Oh, my, darlings, aren't I just too much????
Sweethearts, when you are as fabulous as I am there is just so much you require! Hope in the future, darlings, all your home repairmen are hunky!!!!!!!!!!!