Friday, December 31, 2010

And So We Bid Farewell To 2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a year, like any other. But it was different. It had its jubilant ups and traumatic downs. It brought birth to some, death to others. It was, in short, a living breathing thing I was able to share with all my Girls, to whom I am eternally grateful for inspiring and sometimes guiding me. As we end the year on a Hopeful note, let us be inspired by Dorothy/Judy and Toto, that they may guide us into the Hope awaiting that is 2011.

For as a Sage once said--

"So we are. So we were. How shall we be?"

Darlings, There Is No Question Here!!!!!!

Remember, girls, what I said yesterday about announcing a Bitch Of The Year?????
Well, in light of Tyler Clementi, I think it is pretty certain that no better candidates for that title are out there than the still unrepentant, remorseless, Dahrun Ravi and Molly Wei. Their Hell awaits them, darlings. I am not going to publish their photos because such ugliness should go visually unexposed. Nevertheless, here is a visual representation thereof. Either on Earth or in Heaven they will be brought to justice for what they did to Tyler Clementi, and their greatest curse now is to be forevermore associated with that tragedy.

I wish you bitches a long Life! Suffer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And On A Deeply Shocking Personal Note!!!!!!!!!!

The date, October 25, is tinged with happiness and now tragedy. It is the date of my friend Julia's birthday, and the date, back in 1975, when my father and I saw "A Chorus Line," with the Celebrated Original Cast. But it is also a tragic one, for this year I was shocked by the death of onetime child actor Chris Udvarnoky, who died of poly cystic kidney disease at the early age of 49.

Chris and his twin brother, Martin, made only one film in their lives, but it sealed their fate forever--the Perry twins in the film adaptation of Thomas Tryon's 1971 novel, "The Other." So blown away was yours truly by the film and their performances that I wrote to their home in Westfield, NJ, requesting an interview--which they so graciously granted. It was a turning point for me, and pointed to my future life in the Arts.

Thanks to IMDB, I knew what became of them, as well as discovering a whole group of "Other" fans out there. How sad we were to learn of Chris' untimely passing. His personal compassion and humor, attested by family and friends, and the brilliance of his film performance to those of us who only experienced that, leaves a legacy to be proud of.

Too soon, and too young, Chris. You will be missed.

Alas, The Tragedy Of America's Sad September!!!!!

There is not much more I can say about the Tyler Clementi situation, except that, as far as I was concerned, for a variety of deeply felt personal reasons, this was the Story Of The Year!!!!!!! The outcome still waits to be played out, and know that I am with the Clementis all the way!!!! Tyler seemed (as I did not know him) to be a beautiful human being, who was destroyed by forces beyond his control. And more shall be heard on those forces later!!!!!

May a never ending Circle Of Love surround Tyler now, as it was not able to in Life. Honey, with all my power, I am standing in that Circle!!!!!!!!

That now iconic photo shines forth as a beacon of what was beautiful about Tyler, and what was Humanity's Shame!!!!!!!!!

We pray for you here, Tyler. Now and Always!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Is As Close To Having A Baby As I Will Ever Get!!!!!!

Well, next to my sister's children, and theirs'!!!!! Late August saw the arrival of Ruby Ann, daughter of my brilliant friend Audrey. I wish I had a way to put their pics up, but cannot with Adobe, so I will settle for a stork delivery, but let me tell you, Audrey, with that stunning head of hair, looked fabulous hours after giving birth, and Ruby Ann, at only one day old, boasted a gorgeous head of hair herself. Now, three months later, Audrey is taking it easy; starting a new job, and Ruby Ann is handling the portfolio!!!!! Maybe she can handle mine!!!!!!

While Ruby Ann is not the first Book Club baby--that honor goes to Allison--she has been unofficially adopted by all us in it, and I am telling you, she is headed for Miss Porter's and M.I.T.!!!!!!!!

Next to Monsieur Davide, this was the Greatest Real Life Story Of The Year!!!!!!

Darlings, It Was the Summer Of Franzen Frenzy!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, once Jonathan Franzen's "Freedom" hit bookstores in August, it was the biggest thing since "Gone With The Wind!!!" You simply could not go out, if you had not read it. All anyone talked was Patty Berglund!!!!

Not to mention how brilliant, dreamy, and a Voice of Our Generation Mr. Jonathan Franzen was. Monsieur and I caught an appearance of his at Three Lives, and, girls, I just about swooned, like Ann-Margret in "Bye, Bye, Birdie!!!!!" And got my copy autographed in the process.

There was no question, from the day it appeared, that "Freedom" would be the Book Of The Year, with all the attendant hoopla over Mr. Franzen, good and bad, adding to the fires.

Girls, if you have not read it yet, you simply MUST!!!!! You will talk about it for weeks!!!!!!!!!

And I did NOT steal his glasses in London!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, What Can Be Said About Monsieur Davide.....

.....that has not been said already??????

May was a gorgeous month--I played my Julie Andrews "Camelot" recording on the first-- and on the eighth thereof courtesy of online, I met Monsieur Davide, who was so cute and endearing, not to mention so LOVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!!
that things just clicked from the first time on. Whom do you think I am spending New Year's Eve with, tonight???????
Monsieur Davide has the patience of a saint, and I love him so much, even when he does not shave, or refuses to wear panties, which I do not allow too often, I can tell you!!!!!! Tomorrow happens to be his birthday, which means he will go naked at midnight like the New Year Baby he is, and tomorrow will be indulged and pampered. Just like he does me the other 364 days.

I think God, 2010, Whomever, every day for Monsieur Davide!!!!! As they used to say at the end of "The Newlywed Game"--


Darlings, like Carol I was unable to include an accurate pic of Monsieur Davide, so in its place I am including one of Lennox Pawle in his most endearing role as the endearing Mr. Dick in Selznick's "David Copperfield." Monsieur reminds me of this character in so many, loving ways!!!!!!!!!

Girls, The First Story Is The Earliest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, last year things kicked off the same way--same shit, different year. Shortly after the holidays, I breezed into Three Lives bookstore, where the intellectually brilliant and stunningly gorgeous Carol Wald works, and began to bemoan my spinster status, which was more and more beginning to look permanent. Carol kept urging me to do the online thing, as that is how she said she met her hubby of 10 years.

I kept putting Carol off, when finally, I took the plunge, and darlings, the results I netted will be recorded in the next story of mine from 2010. Suffice it to say, Carol was right on all counts, and I have not regretted it a day since. Now, if she advises me on my portfolio--like, if I had such a thing,darlings--I would not question her acumen.

So my first hats off goes to Carol Wald in 2010. I SO wanted to represent her pictorially, so, not being able to find a true choice, I took hers, so here is Elizabeth Taylor in the classic white bathing suit from "Suddenly, Last Summer!!!!"
I am sure Carol looks this good when she DOES go to the beach!!!!!

Make sure you all do, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, What Are You Dooooooooing Neeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww Year's? Neeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrr's Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve?????

Well, girls soon it is time for the Ball to drop, which means for certain be sure yours does not. Which brings me to my Classic new Year's Eve story. I may have told it before, but it is worth telling again.

The year was 1982. I had been into the city, to see a movie, but wanted to get out fast, before all the Hell in Times Square started. My father was in Florida, so I had the house in Highland Park all to myself. I decided simply to have a quiet dinner, watch the Ball drop, and go to bed early.

There was in town then a wonderful deli called Tabatchnik's, which was as good as anything in New York. I decided to dine her, and it turned out I was not the only one with this idea. The place was packed. Mrs. Tabatchnik and her teen aged son and daughter were behind the counter, working. Except the boy was arguing, too. Apparently, he wanted to go into the city for the Times Square hoopla, and his mother did not. The argument kept escalating, until the mother said, "Listen, if I hear that you went into New York, YOUR ball is going to drop."

The place went silent. Knives and forks came to a screeching halt. Everyone looked behind the counter. Finally, the exasperated daughter turned to her mother and said, "Well, Ma, they heard THAT!!!!"

I think of this every year. I wonder what became of Mrs. Tabatchnik and the children!!!!!!

So, now, as I recount the stories of 2010, think back on how the year was to you!!!! Hope 2011 is good to all my girls!!!!! Hope it is as good to moi as 2010 was!!!!

Auld Lang Syne, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Old Man new Year runs Away!!!!!!!

Girls, it is the last day of 2010, and I am in such a frenzy. Yesterday, my friends Doug and Harold and I met for a screening of the new Mike Leigh film, "Another Year," and I am telling you, it was one of the most depressing films EVER!!!! Added to which Lesley Manville, hailed by some as the "Performance Of The Year" was so one dimensional and annoying I wanted to scream!!!! Added that Doug was so down he had me worried, or wanting to be a physician, so I could call in a stronger perscription for meds fast!!!!! The day just did not pan out, and it affected me steadily afterward.

But at least my Princess bed has been fixed!!!!!!

Now, we have a lot to cover in what, as far as I am concerned are the stories of the year, not to mention the Bitch Of The Year!!!! Rather than do it all in one post, I will do it several!!!!!! Remember, the Raving Queen loves you all!!!!!!

Loves to love you, darlings!!!!!!

Girls, We Just Cannot Get Enough of Miss H!!!!!!!!!

How many times does a literary character merit two postings????? Well ,let me tell you, darlings, Miss Havisham does!!!!!!

Defined for all time by Martita Hunt, she is the role I have wanted to play, darlings, for years!!!!! And she has paved the way for others--Baby Jane Hudson, Norma Desmond, and the two Edie Beales, are all worthy descendants of Miss H, just like their respective homes (especially the real life Grey Gardens) are worthy offspring of Satis House!!!!!!!!

One cannot get enough of Miss H, who is more to be censured than pitied. Honey, if I had had her rage, AND her resources, I would have driven brother Arthur and Mr. Compeyson to ruin. Not that they do not come to it, anyway, but she might have bought it about sooner, had she been more proactive!!!!!! Just like in my own small way, I get back at Diane, Roberta, Highland Park, Mrs. Santamarina and National Honor Society every time I write about it. It is MY little joke,darlings, and NOW I have the last laugh!!!!!!!

Miss H thinks she does, but she really doesn't. And poor Estella--no control at all!!! Made to think she is high class, when she is lower than some slut from Goat Alley. No wonder Pip daren't tell her; she could not handle it, and what would she be fit for???? This is why I keep telling my girls to maintain the importance of your class distinctions!!!!! You don't want to end up like Estella, darlings. Who, by the way, at the end of the novel, does not have as much of that stunning beauty as she first did.

One wonders if Miss H had any at all!!!! But I am telling you, my girls, if you want to keep yours, stick with the Raving Queen, not Miss Havisham!!!!!

Darlings, We Just LOVE Miss Havisham!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, on a fifth reading, let me tell you, Miss Havisham dominates this novel like Mrs. Danvers looms over "Rebecca." It is no coincidence that the Gothic horror trappings of both novels is what draws readers to them.

But let us get back to Miss H. A spinster jilted on her wedding day by her half brother, Arthur, and his compatriot, a Mr, Compeyson, in order to get money from her, she shuts herself in Satis House, allows all around her to crumble--wedding cake, bridal coach, wedding gown. She lives with rats, and raises her young ward, Estella, to be a grade A bitch. Only Estella is more victim than bitch, since she has no idea who she really is, or what Miss Havisham is using her for. She ruins both Estella and Pip, recanting at the end, before she dies!!!!!

Honey, I just love her!!!! Miss Havisham nurses her resentments and broken heart, like I do those of Diane, Roberta, National Honor Society and Highland Park, who were my life jilters!!!!! How I would love to sit in seclusion, sip tea, wear a designer gown, have a walking staff, and a young ward to break the hearts of the gay world with!!!!!

Because, darlings, in doing what she did, Miss H allows her jilter to WIN. And you know the Raving Queen would not allow that under any circumstances!!!!!! I would go after them with hammer and tongs till they were struck down dead!!!!

Did you know, girls, that Satis House was based on a real mansion in Rochester, Kent, near where Dickens lived???? That Miss H was based on one Eliza Emily Donnithorne of Camperdown, Sydney, Australia (1827-1886), who, at 19, on her wedding day, was jilted by one Mr. Cuthbertson (note the similarity to Compeyson???), and spent her life in seclusion for the remaining 40 years of her life??? Too bad nothing could be found on Estella; maybe she emerged from creative cloth, though if any of my girls know any more, please let the Raving Queen know!!!
Back in the days when I thought I would remain an Eternal Spinster, Miss Havisham used to be my role model. Now that, as Monsieur Davide says, I am a matron, the only place I am fit to be Miss H is onstage. And you know I am ready to play her, darlings!!!!! Martita Hunt in David Lean's film is the DEFINITIVE Miss Havisham, but I am telling you, girls, I could give her a run for her money!!!!!

There is a lesson for all here, girls!!!! If you are done dirt, do it right back!!!!!

And make sure your make-up never runs!!!!!!

Darlings, I Am Telling You, The Robot Had Dr. Smith's Number!!!!!!

Girls, with the year winding down, I don't know why the subject of TV pedophiles should pop into my head. I think it has to do with the collusion of nostalgia emanating from my "Green Acres" rant, and pining for Angela Cartwright during her "Sound Of Music" days. Because Angela figured on lots of TV nostalgia, going all the way back to Danny Thomas, but the one that keeps surfacing in MY mind is "Lost In Space."

With state of the art visuals that today would look tacky, this was a dramatization of the comic book series "Space Family Robinson", that, in turn owes itself to Johann Wyss' novel "Swiss Family Robinson." And though it was broadcast during the closing years of my generation's childhood innocence, there was one bit of business focused upon that even I, of tender years, could get, back then.

That was the dramatic dynamics between the Robot, Dr. Smith (Jonathan Harris) and Will Robinson (Billy Mumy).

Dr. Smith endeared himself to viewers (NOT!) in the opening episode, "The Reluctant Stowaway," wherein, for spy reasons, he snuck onto the ship, only to have it take off, and he be trapped in space on the journey with them!!!!! Girls, I can tell you, neither he nor the Robinsons were thrilled.

And as the series went on, it became apparent that whenever Doctor Smith got Will alone, he would regard him so leeringly, you wonder how the censors got this on the air. Long before we knew the definition of the word "pedophile," we knew that whenever these two got alone, sparks would fly from the elder. And that each time the robot caught them, he would pipe up, "Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!"

Girls, we knew enough not to trust Doctor Smith, but we never knew why. Years later, when we figured things out, it also clarified why we felt uncomfortable whenever Fred Rogers would leer, "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Won't you come to my neighborhood.?"

I mean, what were the TV makers doing, foisting pedophile characters on innocent children???? You have to wonder, darlings!!!! Which is why, as far as "Lost In Space" is concerned, though I always wanted to be Angela Cartwright as Penny (and who can forget the episode where her screen sibling, Kym Karath, aka Gretl Von Trapp, guested as a space Princess?), the REAL hero of the show was the Robot?????

I have to wonder--how many others back then, caught on to all this??? Did the creators???? Did the actors??? And what would they all think of this now??????

But I am telling you, darlings, the Robot DID indeed have Doctor Smith's number!!!!!! Millions of boys and girls tuned in each week just to see if Will would make it safely to puberty!!!!!

Let us hope all my boys and girls made it safely to puberty!!!!!!!

But I STILL wanted to be Angela Cartwright as Penny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Darlings, No One Said Bitches Were Smart!!!!!!!!

Girls, the final Bitch Of The Week for 2010 demonstrates that while some bitches are highly intelligent, and can hold powerful social positions, others are just dumb as mud, and fit for nothing but a hog wallow. And such is the case with the year's final selection, a proponent of what the Raving Queen despises about America!!!!!

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is Dennis Taylor, of Bedford, New Hampshire!!!!!!!

Who????? Where???????

Let's say a few things about the state. Its history has been questionable ever since the 1950s, when Grace Metalious roasted it over hot coals in her classic novel, "Peyton Place." That town was a standin for Gilmanton, NH, where she lived at the time, and not only were she and her husband (who lost his job!!!) practically tarred and feathered, the book was banned throughout the entire state.

This is the state to also give us J.D. Salinger and Joyce Maynard. How are they for literary contrasts--one world beater, and one makeshift writer???? However, next to Mr. Taylor, both come off winners.

Mr. Taylor calls himself "a Conservative Christian," so right away you are asking for trouble. When I hear that phrase, I think of someone who spouts spiritual aphorisms all week, but keeps pornography locked in his desk drawer, or, in today's climate, on his hard drive. I am not about to get into what Taylor does for a living, but when he starts spouting about "anti-capitalism," it is safe to say he is not in an intellectually challenging field.

What has earned Taylor the BOTW distinction is his meeting with the School Board, demanding administrators be fired, because in his son Jordan's Personal Finance class, he was assigned Barbara Ehrenreich's "Nickel And Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America," which lays bare the plight of the minimum wage worker in this country, and suggests that future generations will not do as well as those that produced the baby boomers. Hell, even this baby boomer can tell you that!!!!!

Both Taylor, and his wife, Aimee (who gets honorable mention) feel the book is anti-capitalist; either they have it all, financially, or they would rather lie to their son, leaving him to suffer finding out truths for himself, which are very likely to happen. They are further angered by Jesus being referred to in the book as a"vagrant" and a "precocious socialist." Hell, I don't think Jesus would have any problem with that. Nor would I think he dispute the honesty of Ehrenreich's book, which has gone on to be produced as a stage play!!!!!!

What I think Jesus would be perturbed by, and which the Raving Queen is, are the Taylors' self righteous maintenance of the status quo, which is probably what they were fed by their right wing parents, meaning these are people unable to think for themselves!!!!!! And these are parents who are now home schooling Jordan???? What kind of biased education will that give him???? Not one steering him to college; even the lowest ranking community colleges have their little pockets of liberalism. Short of completely isolating him, how do the Taylors expect to shield Jordan from the world???? Which is what it sounds like they want to do!!!!! Himmler would be proud of them, I am sure!!!!!

At least the superintendent and administrators did not fire the teacher teaching the class. Nor did they remove the book from the syllabus, insisting that any parent offended by the assignment could select an alternate book. But this was not good enough for the Taylors, who went and pulled Jordan out of school!!!!

Honey, I would like to pull the Taylors out of New Hampshire, and plunk them down in Manhattan, Rwanda, or even Secaucus--anything outside their sphere to shake them out of their righteous complacency, which will perpetuate itself, via Jordan, down through their generations. Unless..ha ha, darlings..Jordan eventually turns out to be GAY!!!!! Wouldn't that be just!!!!!!!!

I could not have selected a more inane BOTW myself than if I had made one up, which only proves real life is, indeed, often stranger than fiction. A fitting end to a year full of bitches!!!!!

But don't miss tomorrow, when I name Bitch Of The Year!!!! Anyone who has been reading this blog for awhile, will, I think, know already whom that will be!!!!!!

Love to all my bitches, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where Have I Been, Girls???????

Darlings, what a day I have had!!! Do you think I would forsake my readers? Of course not. What with being housebound for the last two days, and finishing up "Great Expectations" (by my counting, the fifth reading of it) I was starting to feel like Miss Havisham myself, who, while still a spinster, I considered my role model. But that is for another time. I had to stay home yesterday to acknowledge an important delivery!!!!!

Girls, when you are a Princess such as I, it is important that you hold court. And the place us Princesses hold such is the bedroom, or boudoir, where our bed is our throne, and our night table, with phone, books and other essentials, is our butler of choice. So yesterday, dolls, I was awaiting the arrival of a new bed set, fit for a Pricess!!!! And it arrived, and it is!!!!!!!

Honey, the things this Princess needs to do in it!!!! Such as curling up with Monsieur Davide. And of course it has to be decorated--we are working on that right now--in best Blanche Deveraux style. I have to tell you I was so nervous, what with strange men traipsing in and out of the place--yes, darlings, my purity was frightened--and furnishings coming and going. You know how I like my quiet and seclusion, loves; on that level, I guess I maintain a residue of Miss Havisham. But soon they were gone, the bed was assembled, Monsieur arrived to comfort me and help me make it up, and I am telling you, I felt like the Princess and the Pea!!!!! It remains for further decorations to be undergone, so that I can truly reign. Perhaps I will receive guests from my bed for tea, not unlike Miss Havisham. In any case, the item has arrived, and now I can get out and about, which includes today a meeting with a childhood friend (Doug) and a shopping excursion in early eve with Monsieur Davide. And to think we are coming down the home stretch on what for me has been a watershed year. In just two more days, 2010 will be history, and there will be a new one to make. Pray things go well for us all, darlings, and don't miss my recounting of this year's important events, tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once Upon A Mattress, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Mr. Derfner, I Say You Should Write It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As any one of MY girls will know, the above is a paraphrase of a song lyric from the musical, "1776." Not a world beater by any means, hardly a classic, but a show that had a respectable run, a pleasant and intelligent sounding score, and most important gave Men In Musical Theater something to do. Let's face it, how many shows do that? Outside of "Guys And Dolls" or "How To Succeed.." few; no wonder so many theater queens want to play Mama Rose. You know, I do, darlings!!!! And you damn well know, with all respect to Patti, that "Gypsy" will not be fully put to rest, until I step into the part!!!!!!

Right now, I am snowbound at Monsieur Davide's: at least I am fresh and clean!!!! After this posting, I am going to curl up with "Great Expectations, and whisk myself away to the wonderful world of Victoriana, where it was only worthwhile being upper class--the clothes, the food, the eccentricity of Miss Havisham!!! I am telling you, honey, she paved the way for the two Edies!!!!!!

But right now, I want to talk about the wonderful world of Mr. Joel Derfner, because prior to my Dickens onslaught, I read his book, "Swish." Such a pretty cover, darlings; all pink and white, like something out of Cecil Beaton. And you know how I worship Cecil Beaton, girls; hell, if there had been any genetic justice, I would have been the child of Cecil Beaton and Diana Vreeland!!!! Which means that, while I would STILL be as sophisticated as I am (a genuine gift from God, loves!) I would also be reed thin and gorgeous!!!!! With their physiques, I COULD have been a dancer like Donna McKechnie!!!!!!!!!!


Getting back to "Swish," it does confirm something I have always maintained--great hair (or at least attention getting tresses) is key to being published. Look what it did for Lauren Weisberger!!!! And Mr. Derfner certainly has an eye catching dome, a red so bright it could be used to flag down ships at sea, not to mention it would do Miss Belle Watling proud!!!!! He maintains it is real, and I for one, girls, cannot wait to find out!!!!! I promise you a full report.

Which begs the question of MY hair. At least, hons, I still have my natural color, even at this advanced age!!!! But how to call attention to it? When you are not Meryl Streep or Amy Adams, it is difficult!!! Should I do a Boy George, and wear red spikes on my head, with that red and yellow costume from the Rosie O'Donnell musical, "Taboo?" I think not, girls; I don't mind resembling a gay vesion of Sun Boy from the Legion of Super Heroes, but that hairstyle just flies in the face of all my Miss Porter standards. Do you think Princess Lee Radizwill would go out looking like that??? Duh, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's get back to "Swish," darlings, because the tome has a funny history in terms of my association with it. Somehow, its publication slipped me by. But when Monsieur first brought me to his place, naturally I checked out his bookshelves. (Warning to anyone I visit--bookshelves, not medicine cabinets, are what I check first. I don't care if you stash cocaine in the house, but I will NOT tolerate trash literature on the bookshelves!!!) In one pile of Monsieur's books, I saw "Swish"; the pink and white layout grabbed me. But I remember saying, "What on Earth is THIS doing here?" Just for the record, "Portnoy's Complaint" might be regarded (especially with the yellow cover) as fine literature, but there is no way I would EVER have that on my shelf!!!! I have my aesthetics to consider. So I lampooned "Swish" then and there!!!!!

I forgot about this quickly. But several months later, we were watching this faux reality show called "Girls With Boys Who Like Boys," or something to that effect!!! As stated previously, it could simply have been called "Fag Hags!" When who should one of the boys be, but one Joel Derfner, who Monsieur was quick to point out, wrote "Swish." And I believe Mr. D mentioned it in the broadcast!!!!

I was shocked, chagrined, but fascinated. Especially with idea of aspirations to being the Gayest Man Ever, a distinction I had claimed for myself since I first knew I was gay. Actually, I had been this all my life, but had not known it!!!!

So all of a sudden, I was SO keen to read this book!!! But would you believe--in the interim, Monsieur, somewhat ashamed of my literary temper tantrum, had had the book removed, from the premises!!!!! Talking about coming back to bite you on the ass!!!! So I had to hunt far and wide for a copy of my own; the Village Barnes and Noble came through. I settled down, and began to read!!!!!

Counting everything, "Swish" is divided into a dozen chapters. Let me say at the outset, he can write. When I saw the word "unfetishistically" used in print, I knew, but confirmation came with references to Jane Austen and Dorothy Parker!!!!!
When it came to Musical Theater, darlings, I was definitely "Six Degrees Of Separation" from him, having obtained a Master's at NYU (in Drama, not the Musical Theater Program), and taken with his irreverent approach to musicals that somehow demonstrates a knowledge of the classics, but is not going to fall into that "Spring Awakening" claptrap!!!! How much fun, I thought, it would be to discuss this subject with him--bet HE would go for my idea of musicalizing the 1958 Irish McCalla classic "She Demons!" And maybe, finally, I could get to BE a she demon!!!!
Whenever the film was aired on TV, I would act out the dance of the She Demons, as rendered by the Diana Nellis Dancers!!!! Hell, I would still like to do it.

There is also something to be said for having been raised in Charleston, South Carolina, because while the South may be a place from which many inevitably flee, its colorful history incorporates a literary heritage unsurpassed in this country. I know I will be shot for this, but do you think I give a shit???? You can keep your Hemingway, Fitzgerald and Steinbeck (save for "The Grapes Of Wrath and "East Of Eden"), because all the truly great American writers were the Southerners--Capote, Faulkner, Harper Lee, McCullers, Margaret Mitchell, Flannery 0'Connor, Donna Tartt and Eudora Welty, to name a few. No, you bitches, I am NOT including Anne Rice.

So Mr. D comes from a rich literary tradition, and it shows!!!!! I have to hand it to him, going from this to Harvard. Harvard has the distinction of being the only campus site I have visited to intimidate me, and that was when I was well past the college stage!!!! I admired Mr. Derfner's independence of spirit in being able to pick up and transition so well, because let me tell you, at eighteen I might have been bright, but emotionally I was just three steps beyond Laura Wingfield (hard to believe, my girls, I know, but it is true!!!!), which meant I was just not ready to go that far from home; I had to be somewhere so that if I needed to, I could return home at a moment's notice. Which is how I ended up at Seton Hall in South Orange, NJ. I have no regrets about going there; I only regret I was not ready enough to take advantage of not only what Seton Hall had to offer, but college as well.

But that was then. This is now. The other thing that fascinated me was Mr. Derfner's valedictory status. Hell, if I had graduated from a class of 53, I would have been there, too!!!! At least he skewered it to the administrators; you go, girl!!! I had to wait more than 30 years before I did that!!!!

All in all, "Swish was an enjoyable read, and I actually look forward to more from Mr. Derfner. If I did not like the aerobics chapter, that is my issue more than his. I will NEVER be athletic, and with the combination of middle age, being hypothyroid, plus the psychotronic meds I am on, slimming down to a size I would like--about Mr. Derfner's -- is pretty nigh impossible. I have done Yoga, and, honey, I am flexible, but, short of doing a full scale musical again, I cannot think of anything that would lose some weight. And then there is the problem of keeping it off. I am not going down that Karen Carpenter road, believe me; hell, I simply could not. But it would be fun to diss with Mr. D, and see, with his experience, what he might suggest, because, with his credentials, I would certainly follow it, even if I don't get to look like Gene Tierney in "Leave Her To Heaven."

I did think the chapter where he infiltrates a conference of "ex-gays" went on too long, and I for one do not endorse such nonsense. What these guys need is to sit through a screening of "Funny Girl" and then a good slap on their ass to send them on their way!!!!!!!!! Though I could relate up to a point; several years ago, at my LGBT Center, I infiltrated a meeting of what was then called the Log Cabin Club, and is now known by what it should have been all along--Gay Republicans!!!!!!
Now, THAT was scary, let me tell you! Not only were these men fashion challenged, but their philosophical musings would call into question their gayness; in many respects they were not that far removed from those Mr. D writes about at the conference!!!! And I, for one, found it frightening!!!! I mean, suppose I had stood up and done the Julie Andrews "Sound Of Music" opening twirl???? I might have been placed under House Arrest!!!!!!

But my views on what constitutes being gay is best saved for another time, darlings!!! Let me say, positively speaking, that I came away from "Swish" with a more favorable impression of Mr. Derfner. Girls, the things we could talk about--that cannot be talked about on here!!!!

So, to reiterate, Mr. Derfner can write, there is nothing shameful about "Swish," and I am proud to display it on my bookshelf!!!!! Believe me, it is better than that Michael Thomas Ford crap, which you could not even pay me to read, and is more insightful and honest than Andrew Sullivan and his hypocritical musings!!!!

I wish Mr. Derfner the best. And a promise to regale him at Riviera, when we meet! As for he and his partner, I wish them the best, that being a "Funny Girl" wedding!!!!

Just don't come down those stairs pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Was SO Pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, as Frankie Valli once sang, "Oh, What A Night!" There Monsieur Davide and I were, huddled within, while a snowstorm raged outside. I am telling you, it felt just like "Doctor Zhivago," only without my make-up case and hairstylist I did not feel at all like Julie Christie, which is you know how I just HAVE to feel like every minute!!!!!! With nothing before us but the long, dark evening ahead we turned inevitably to........horros.........television!!!!!!

Would you believe it???? Not a single "Law and Order" episode on anywhere!!!
Not even "COPS," or a nice serial killer. I was fit to be tied, darlings!!!! So I began channel surfing, when I discovered at 8 o'clock that ABC was going to air "The Sound Of Music." Now, I have firm rules on viewing that film, honey, but, at best, I thought it would be fun to view the opening scene, with those gorgeous Austrian vistas, and Julie doing her iconic twirl.

Now, this is why I was pissed, darlings!!! Because when I got to the film, rain soaked Charmian Carr (as Liesl) was already climbing through the window, meaning we were pretty well into the film. It turned out that they had started the broadcast at 7PM, which pissed me even further, because, with a four hour time slot, that meant the film was being shown uncut!!!!! Which it sometimes is not when it airs, and I like my films, as opposed to my men, uncut!!!!!

So, my mind began to wander. First, why was TSOM on at Christmastime???? I mean, it is familial, and Catholic as all get out, but there is not one single reference in it to the Yule Tide season. Trust me; I have seen the film at least a dozen times--the last about four years ago, at a special screening at New York's Ziegfeld Theater!!!!!

Which is one of my cardinal rules about viewing this film--it HAS to be seen on a screen!!!! Not necessarily the Ziegfeld, but a movie theater screen of right size!!!! And NO sing along; I have to see the film as a film, to enter into its world and be taken away, not to interact with a bunch of Von Trapp wannabes at some campfest!!!!!!

Darlings, let me tell you, my first viewing of this film was iconic!!!! The date was November 26, 1965. The film had opened in New York on March 2, as a Reserved Seat attraction, which meant it wouldn't get to my suburban tract for about two years!!!! And after "Jack and Jill Magazine" did their fabulous picture spread on it, I was all hyped up to see TSOM. I had the soundtrack album, and damn well knew all the words to all the songs!!!!! When my birthday came and went that year, and I was not taken to the film, I just gave up. But as I have learned my entire life, good things DO come to those who wait!!!! The day after Thanksgiving, at my aunt Jane and uncle Donald's in Linwood, New Jersey (not far from the Atlantic City boardwalk), my parents announced, when we got in the cat, that we were not going home right away. They had a surprise!!!! I had no clue, girls, let me tell you.
We drove to the boardwalk, marched up onto it, and when I saw we were standing outside the theater with that famous film poster, with Julie skipping in her pink dress, and the kids in their yellow playsuits, I knew what I was in for, and, honey, I am telling you, I was SO excited!!!!!! My parents and I should have known something then; but how could we?

The lights went down. The 20th Century Fox logo appeared onscreen. But the film begins in a silent blackness, through which wisps of windy sound begin to slowly permeate, then fade in to snowdrifts over frosted mountains. There is silence, as the camera pans across a fantasy landscape, but is actually real!!! Music slowly filters in, builds, and then the camera spots something in the distance....and VOILA!!!! It zeroes in on the twirling Julie, who begins to trill, and the film is off and running!!!!!

This was the greatest opening film sequence I had seen up till that time. Even the film's detractors admit it is now one of cinema's most iconic openings. But seeing it when it was new and fresh took my eleven-year-old breath away!!!!!
So did the on location shooting, the seven Von Trapps (more on them, later!!!!), the songs enacted on the screen--darlings, I was spellbound. So much so, that when it got to the music festival sequence, and Christopher Plummer urged the audience to sing "Edelweiss" with them, I stood up in my seat and did, because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. My parents had to pull me down, reminding me we were in a public place, so lost was I in this Von Trapp world.

"The Sound Of Music," despite it being what it was, and is, also bears the unique distinction of making me aware of the Holocaust for the first time. The idea of having to leave your home and country, because of what you believed in, or did not, was pretty profound; on my own, I did some research, and the world opened up with horror to me, making me sensitive to this day of all who suffered this plight during this time!!!!! Do not overlook the film's usefulness, darlings!!!!!

But back to more Raving Queen worthy topics!!!!! When the film ended, much to my dismay, I clung to my seat, because I simply did not want to leave the theater and that world; my parents literally had to pry my hands lose to get me out of there!!!!!! Here, finally, was a more positive depiction of the childhood I felt I should have had, as opposed to "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane," wherein I wanted to be the the entitled Child Star Bitch, which I thought would top the frightening ordinariness of my suburban life. Of course, back then, I did not have enough insight to realize, as I do now, that, had this panned out, I might have ended up a dessicated, drunken harridan, like Bette Davis therein. And, girls, you know what Vivien Leigh said about Bette; when Joan dropped out of "Hush....Hush, Sweet Charlotte," and Vivien was offered her role, she was reputed to have responded, "No, thank you. I could just about bear looking at Joan Crawford's face at seven in the morning, but not Bette Davis." That was NOT going to happen to me, darlings!!!! I knew the importance of cold cream, even then!!!!!

"The Sound Of Music" offered a more desirable childhood, one I felt I richly deserved--one lived in gorgeous surroundings, where you wear stunning clothes, look perfect, sing, and get famous. And I could sing, darlings; still can, except when a cold or acid reflux flares up!!!!! This was what I now wanted, NOT the suburban drabness of Highland Park, New Jersey, which I knew from kindergarten on up, that I was superior to, anyway!!!!!

With the soundtrack album back then, came the souvenir programme book. And on the back of it was the photo of Julie and the Children in front of the Von Trapp Villa, during the "Do Re Mi" sequence (my favorite in the film, next to the opening), standing and singing, profiled, arms outstretched. I can still see this photo, and I remember how I would focus on Angela Cartwright and Heather Menzies, because back then, girls, I SO wanted to be them. Well, the next morning, after seeing the film, I proceeded to march back and forth in front of my house, enacting this sequence, much to the amusement of the neighbors, and the consternation of my parents. I was determined to make MY life as much like "The Sound Of Music" as possible. And though I eventually ceased the acting out, and went on to other pastimes, I do not think the bubble officially burst on this possibility, until 1973, when Heather Menzies--yes, Louisa Von Trapp, darlings--posed nude in "Playboy!" I mean, I was shocked. You might have thought this would have made me heterosexual, but not with MY prior history, girls!!!!!

Nevertheless, "The Sound Of Music" was one of the iconic events of my childhood, and still is a treat whenever I view it under proper conditions. Last night, while the conditions were somewhat skewered (though Monsieur Davide's TV screen has the clarity and illusional perspective of a movie theater screen--the closest to such on any one of my acquaintances' sets), it would have been fun to see that thrilling opening sequence, and who knows maybe more!!!!!

But it was NOT to be, which is why I was damned piss!!!! But I am telling you, girls, if you have NEVER seen this film on a screen, you simply MUST. And I predict you will get that chance in 2015, when the film celebrates its 50th anniversary!!!!
We will all go, wear our hats, and twirl!!!!!!

Innocent as a Rose, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Gather Round The Fireplace, Darlings, As I Tell This Story!!!!!!

Girls, one of the Christmas traditions in our family comes Christmas night with all of us gathered, when we remember an event that took place that night long ago. And this year, having been the 50th--a half century, darlings--anniversary of this event, I told it with the dramatic intensity of Meryl Streep; you better believe it!!!!!

Today, only three from that night are still alive--my father, my sister, and moi!!!! Here is what took place.

The year was 1960, and I had reached the tender age of 6. Even then, I ruled as a Princess, hons; when checking out my Christmas gifts, I took a listed inventory--and woe to all if that list was not completely covered!!!! My sister was home from college, we had had dinner, so we all piled into the family car to drive over to my paternal grandparents and Maiden Aunt in nearby North Brunswick.

My parents sat in front; in back were my maternal grandmother (Nana, who lived with us, and, honey, she was a hoot!), my sister, and my tender, innocent Princess Self!!!! We took the usual route, which even I could have driven by then, so often was it traveled. Just as we leveled off on Commercial Avenue, a car came driving toward us. Not speedily, just average. We were not far from the bus storage unit, across the street from which was a bar, and I am telling you, girls, this car was coming straight from the bar!!!!!! The headlights got incredibly bright, and all I can remember is my sister grabbing me, a blinding crash, and the next thing I knew I was being carried out of the car, a crowd had gathered along the sidewalk, my mother was holding me, and I began to cry. At some point, a woman standing next to my mother, who must was sympathetic to our plight, cooed, "Oh, let me take the baby!" Whereupon I had enough presence of mind to fire back, "I'm not a baby!!!" Bitch, even then, darlings; even in a moment of high crisis!!!! My Raving Queendom was unknowingly defined already!!!!!

The ambulance came, and someone put me in it. I do not recall who was with me.
I had some kind of fascination with ambulances, firehouses and trucks, accidents and disasters back then. I was SO precocious, darlings!!! So I asked if they would blow the siren, and they did. Darling, I wanted MY arrival to be announced!!!!!

We were taken to what was then Middlesex General Hospital, but today is the Robert Wood Johnson Medical Center. We were put in different partitions and examined. My mother did something to one of her ribs, and had a black eye. My father and sister were banged up. So was my grandmother, who also started vomiting. My sister, then studying to be a nurse, tried to have them keep Nana overnight for observation, due to her age and diabetes--no go!!!! I was treated for cuts and examined to see if anything was amiss. It wasn't, but I had some cut under my eye, because there was a slab of Mercurochrome just above my right cheek. I too went into emotional shock due to trauma, and began vomiting. In the midst of all this, my aunt Kathleen, whom we all called Katty, arrived (my father had called her), and we actually visited at our relatives, and then were driven home.

I blessedly fell asleep fast; no small feat for moi, even then. My sister kept checking on my grandmother, whose health she was concerned about.

The next morning was a corker. We were all having breakfast; I was staring at myself in the toaster mirror, because even then, darlings, I was concerned about my appearance!!! I mean, Lana Turner!!!! I remember stirring a peppermint candy cane from the tree into my hot chocolate, when the phone rang. A strange man's voice asked for my farther. It turned out to be one Charlie Collins, the guy who hit us, calling to apologize!!!! And maybe avoid a lawsuit, though what good would it have done us, he was not insured. Better years later to have sued Alice C. Santamarina for her homophobia!!!!! But she got hers--she is DEAD!!!! Heh! Heh! Heh!!!!!

And here I am, loves, a half century later, here to tell you about it, and damn proud of the fact. And what lesson was learnt???? Not to go anywhere without your make-up reticule, darlings, because you never know when you might need it!!!!

Which is certainly NO accident, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Suffer From Conditional Virginity!!!!!!!

Girls-- I HAVE A CONDITION!!!!!!!

That's right; and my condition is chronic, something fierce!!!! I keep telling him I have one, especially when he asks me to do something arduous, not befitting this Princess, darlings!!!! I finally told him, "I am a virgin!!!!" Whereupon he said, I suffer from "Conditional Virginity!"

But, loves, who among us doesn't???? For any of us to be successful at all these Girl things, like getting and keeping a man, we have to be pure and chaste, or at least be able to project the illusion thereof!!! And being able to do this is quite a condition!!!!!

It was like Doris Day. Each movie asked, "How long will it take Rock Hudson to get her to bed???" As it turned out, with what we know now, girls, it took a lot longer than the films would have us believe!!!! How long does it take to get me to bed???? Oh, darlings, with my condition and my aching back, and my cocos that needs massaging, with me it is just a hop, skip and jump to the boudoir!!!!!

Nevertheless, lambs, I am pure!!!! As pure as the snow now piling in drifts outside my window!!!! Help, darlings!!!!! At least the snow will keep away the evil lesbians. The roads are blocked, so no U-Haul trucks allowed!!!!!!

Let's face it, I am no tramp like those SATC sluts!!!! And at least I act MY age, which PROFESSIONALLY is 24!!!!!! My virtue remains eternal, even if technically I can no longer see unicorns!!!!! I want all my girls to stay fresh and clean; it is why the douchebag was invented, and I know none of MY girls are douchebags!!!!!

Embrace your virginity darlings, whether you are pure or not. As Blance Du Bois says illusion constitutes 50% of charm, so keep that charm rolling, girls!!!!!!!!!

As pure as the driven snow! That is me, loves!!!!!

Darlings, I Am SO Lisa Douglas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, when I was a small child, and it was THE thing on television, "Green Acres" had me in thrall. By the third episode I knew the words to the theme song (as I knew the words to most TV show songs, and still do, darling!!!!!), and there was one particular set of lyrics I embraced. As though in anticipation of my life today, loves. It was when Lisa Douglas (Eva Gabor) sang--

"Neeeeeeeeew Yawk is wheah ah'd rahthuh stay!
Ah get allergic smelling hay!
Ah just adorrrrrrrrrrrre a penthouse view,
Dahling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue!!!!!!!"

And when Lisa threw open her door, and walked onto her terrace, I would stand right in front of the TV screen, engulfing it, aping all her gestures and intonations!!!!! Honey, this queen was off and running!!!!!!

With this kind of experience, how could I NOT have ended up in New York???? And, having just returned an hour ago from the wilds of Pennsylvania, after stuffing my face with Christmas goodies, heaping praise upon praise upon presents received, spending time at my sister's suburban enclave, my nephew and his wife's lovely children--darlings, it was fabulous, but I need a goddamn drink, the kind one can only get in New York!!!!! Thank God I had Monsieur Davide, "Great Expectations" and Miss Havisham.

Which helped, because over this period I saw two of the crappiest movies you could imagine. You heard about my father's and my movie experience several post ago. But LAST NIGHT Monsieur FORCED--that is right, girls, FORCED, help me! Mmmmf!!!!!!!!!!!!--to watching with him the excruciating "Sex And The City 2."

I ask you, loves, just how much crap can one take. And that Samantha; talk about acting like an overaged slut!!!! How much did she have to pay that hot thing to hump her at the end, because I can tell you, while Kim Cattrall is still rather attractive (and not a bad actress, if you catch her in Roman Polanski's "The Ghost Writer"), the character of Samantha Jones is ready for the glue factory, and in real life nothing g that hunky would ever hump a mound of fat like her!!!!! But this is just where it begins!!!!! Every outfit ANY of the characters wore was an insult to the fashion world and women!!!! Cynthia Nixon must have been channeling her lesbianism in the persona of Miranda, because she definitely looked lipstick!!!! Except in the white suit and hat, which appeared as though it emerged from the pages of an E.M.Forester novel!!!!! And Judy Davis had her beat for that look by a good twenty years!!!!!!

Don't even get me started on the karaoke version of "I Am Woman;" an insult to the song, Helen Reddy, and the women everywhere!!!!!! And Sarah Jessica "Horseface" Parker--what a spoiled bitch!!!! Petulant, whiny Yuppie Princess Carrie wants it all, and is satisfied with NOTHING!!!! I had to laugh, loves, when she unwrapped the book when first published, and fumed over the reviews!!!!!! Believe me, honey, SJP will never live to see the day she writes a book!!!!! Spare us that horror!!! It is bad enough having to look at her in junk like this!!!! I am telling you, the hat she first wears on the plane bound for Abba Dabba or whatever the Hell it is called--and who cares? who wants to go the Middle East??? What's wrong with the East Village???? The worst was Charlotte, who I wanted to strangle, and who should have been flung over a cliff!!!!! And her children!!!! Send them back to the Peace Corps!!!! Both of them looked like offspring from Pearl S. Buck novels??? Who gives a shit??????

The movie singlehandedly manages to insult women, lesbians, the Irish, gay men, straight men, children, and everything in between!!!! And that Aidan--beware of a too hot man, for there you know trouble lurks!!!!!! Haven't my girls learned enough from reading me??????

I was so glad when this tripe ended; I can only hope the producers don't beat this already dead horse, by coming up with a third movie!!!!! Hang these hags out to dry!!!!! But with the high percentage of women in New York, who think this is REAL LIFE, and try to live by it like it is the Gospel According To Luke (and not Luke Perry, girls!!!!!) you just know there will be a third movie!!!!!

Consider what happened when we first got back. Faced with a blinding blizzard of momentous proportions, it was all we could do to make our way to the store and apartment. I mean, I love to READ "Wuthering Heights"; I don;t want to LIVE it. And at the market, in front of us, in what is supposed to be the speed line, is this Yuppie Entitlement Bitch, with three times the amount we have, an attitude that demands the cashier bag it for her, but the most grungy looking skin and limp hair!!! You can just tell she is trying to work it for all it is NOT worth, trying so hard to be Miss Parker/Bradshaw, when in fact she may never have been, and certainly will not be now. But the city is just crawling with these female human cockroaches; if only Black Flag could exterminate, them!!!!!!!

But I should not complain, because a good time was had by all, I will have more stories to tell, and best of all the Raving Queen is back in New York, and on the beat!!!!!

You know what you can all beat, darlings!!!! Kiss!!!!!! Kiss!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Girls, It Is Time For The Story Of Janice Gonnella!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, this story has been long in coming, and overdue to be told. I thought it would be perfect for Christmas Day, because there are moral lessons herein for all!!!!!!

My hometown, in suburban Jersey, was indisputably Jewish. Nevertheless, there was a small Catholic contingent, who clung to their Catholicism in this Jewish enclave, like bees on a honeycomb!!!!! Such as the Malones, who made it all the way to Lincoln Avenue, not far from the revered Roberta!!!!!

But within these Catholic confines, wars were waged, battles that would do "West Side Story" proud!!!!!! One of these involved who would sit in the front row of St. Paul's church at High Mass, and for years this spot was dominated by two families, the Byrnes and the Gonnellas. You would not believe what pieces of work they were.

Let us start with the Byrne. Oh, my God!!!!! A bunch of pop eyed, light complected by ruddy cheeked Irishmen, the two daughters of whom, Mary and Patricia, looked like twin images of Good and Evil, one light haired, the other dark, but who both looked the Irish exponent of repressed spinster sexuality. Or as straight Catholic school boys used to say, "Paralyzed from the waist most Irish girls!!!!" I had Mary in my Psych and Lit and Trig classes in high school, and let me tell you she was no world beater!!!!! By now, they must either be lesbians living under the same roof, as spinster sisters, with cats, or in a convent!!!!!!!

The Gonnellas were a little more interesting, for while they put on almost as good an act as the Byrnes, they were simply unable to maintain it. You have to give that to the Byrnes; at least they did!!!!!

The Byrnes sat on the left side of the church, the Gonnellas at the right, so that they were at the foot of the Cross. Which peeved the Byrnes no end, but this was each family's respective spot, so there was nothing either could do about it!!!!!
The Gonnellas would march in as the proverbial Italian Catholic family, in tandem to the Byrnes' Irish, elder son, Joe (who was a year ahead of me) looking the picture of simpering male naivete, while Janice would prance in, wide-eyed, trying to look so pure and holy, as though she were Jennifer Jones in "The Song Of Bernadette." Yeah, sure. But the act worked for a time, because let me tell you, that homophobic bitch, Mrs. Alice C. Santamarina (now pushing up daisies, heh heh heh!!!!!) who was the faculty representative of the National Honor Society, which, to this day, I still maintain, I should have gotten into, but because my parents were not from the monied part of town, I was not traditionally popular, and, most of all, I was HOMOSEXUAL, Mrs. Santamarina denied me membership not once, but twice!!!!!!! As for girls, she liked them wholesome, and that is where Janice comes in, because with her Bernadette Soubirous act, she exuded wholesomeness, so she certainly made her way into the Honor Society. Though I do have to give this to Janice, she WAS smart!!!!!!

And this proved to be her downfall, which signaled that all was not as right as everyone thought in the Gonnella household. For the summer following Janice's junior year in high school, she was sent to a special Science camp for accelerated students. Well, when Janice returned from said camp, we all found out just how accelerated Miss Janice was. Shortly after Janice returned, her mother was putting some clothes away in her room, when what should she find in one of her daughter' drawers but.........
a diaphragm!!!!! That is right-- A diaphragm, a diaphragm, I thought a diaphragm was up here, where you breathe!!!!!!"

Well, let me tell you, darlings, that ended it for the Gonnellas, because it certainly showed that Miss Janice was no Bernadette. I am sure her mother was fit to be tied, and the father probably had a heart attack. I can tell you, the first day back at school, it was all over the building about Janice, who kept the lowest profile you ever saw, and the following Sunday, at High Mass, the Gonnellas front seat was unoccupied, because from that time on, they always sat inconspicuously towards the back!!!! I am surprised that Santamarina bitch did not remove Janice from the Honor Society, but as far as I know, she never did!!!!!!!

And what of elder brother, Joe???? Well, he tried to pull his act, in spite of what his sister did, but let me tell you, darlings, I found him out!!!!!!!!

It was shortly after I had graduated from college. I was still living at home, heading by bus into the city, either for a job search, or to see a movie or show; I cannot remember. But I DO remember that across the street from where the bus pulled in, there was an Adult Book Store, and you could tell alot about the moral tone of the community who went in and out of its doors. Well, that day while I was waiting for the bus to pull out, the door opened and out steps.....Joe Gonnella!!!!!!!! And I can tell you, he was up to no good in there, for I had heard that some of the booths in there had...Glory Holes!!!!!! In New Brunswick, New Jersey, yet!!!!!!!!!!

Well, that did it for me!!!!! I knew right then and there that things were not right in that household, nor had they been for a long time, what with Janice, and now Joe!!!!!! And let me tell you, girls, the way he sauntered out of that bookstore, I could just tell it was not his first viist there, not by a long shot!!!!!!!!!!!

How the mighty had fallen!!!!!! And after all these years, I wonder what became of Joe and Janice??????

So, girls, the message of this for the Holiday Season is when you claim to be so pure and righteous and wholesome, you had damn well better BE, or else you will be found out!!!!! And let me tell you, the fact that these were two of the biggest stories in my hometown says a lot about how swinging Highland Park was. No wonder I moved to New York.

Remember, pride goeth before a fall, and it went splat in the faces of the Gonnellas!!!!!! Let us hope they have picked themselves up from their moral squalor!!!!!!

And to all my darlings, I wish a very Merry Christmas!!!!! May you all stay as pure as Janice claimed to be. Just like me, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Behold, a Virgin shall conceive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry Christmas, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

No, girls, this is NOT Karen Carpenter; after all I have been eating down here in bucolic PA I can tell you anorexia is definitely not an issue with ME!!!!!!!!!!

How are all my girls this Christmas morning. Mine started last night, with the arrival of Monsieur Davide, who provides a fabulous addition to my Yule tide season, and let me tell you, honey, his Yule log...well, never mind!!!!!

As befits tradition I ascended the stairs to bed on Christmas Eve, clad in my Spinster Nightgown, with a taloned candle in my hand, right out of "Jane Eyre." I got into my Victorian fourposter and curled up with my copy of "Great Expectations." Perfect for this night, as it opens on Christmas Eve. And, darlings, let me tell you, that Miss Havisham is a role model for all spinsters. When I was such, I used to clutch my heart, and cackle "Broken!", just like her!!!!! And that Estella! What a bitch!!!!!
I would LOVE to train a young male ward to break the hearts of gay men!!!!! Wouldn't that be FABULOUS, darlings!!!! I think that is what Little Edie Beale was trying to do, when she launched her own night club act.

We awoke to Christmas cheer, and as Patty McCormack in "The Bad Seed" might trill, "Presents?" Such presents, darlings; including some Ralph Lauren specials that were created just for ME!!!!!! I am sure even Princess Lee Radizwill would be impressed!!!!

Now we await the coming of little feet, in the form of the arrival of Fiona and Alexander, children of my nephew Jonathan and his wife Mandy. I expect the doors will fling wide open, and the children will burst in, followed by their world weary and exasperated parents. Imagine how exasperated I would be had I had children!!!! Darlings, the Raving Queen is the one who does the exasperating, not to get exasperated!!!!

Nevertheless, I wish all my girls out there a Merry Christmas!!!! Stuff your faces today, but pull those corsets a little tighter tomorrow!!!! Glad Yule Tidings to all, darlings!!!!!!!!!!

And kisses under the mistletoe for all!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Girls, I Know You Are Just Going To Love This Gossip!!!!!!

My girls are literate, so I know they will get this reference, which is that what Tolstoy said about families in the opening sentence of "Anna Karenina," he was damn right, honey!!!!!!! And something going on in our family is a perfect example of such!!!!!

You know that White Trash uncle I am always talking about. Well, one of his now White Trash grandsons is going through what is called a toxic divorce!!!!!! He happens to be one of my second cousins, so I feel a little sympathy, because I am telling you, once he reached adulthood, this guy could not seem to get a break. He was dumber than shit--like most of his tribe--so all he could become was a cop in a suburban berg where the most dangerous crime is theft or drug possession. I mean, big deal!!!!!! Though the town he polices has a certain university that drove one Tyler Clementi to suicide!!!
As if this was not bad enough, the poor guy develops MS, which is absolutely just horrible, and while he thankfully is not in as bad shape as Annette Funnicello, he was never nearly as talented, and was wild enough to have an adolescent car accident. Of course, like the rest of his aforementioned tribe, he went on to become a big, homo hating pussy hound, married a girl who was too good for him by half, and went on to live what his parents reassured everyone was the perfect suburban life and marriage, even if they bought him everything in the first place.

Well, girls, like Tolstoy, lo and behold. we find out things are not so perfect, after all! It seems the poor guy ( you have to feel sorry here!) was in an on-the-job car accident, the car flipped over, resulting in shoulder injury so serious he had to retire on disability. Cars and this cousin do NOT get along, and should be kept from each other!!!!!! But, now, it gets seamier, and this is where the sympathy starts to slide. It seems the marriage, for reasons yet unknown, has been unraveling for years. As a result of this more recent accident, a stint in a rehab center was required, and before you can say "Boy Interrupted," he met a WOMAN there, connected in all sorts of ways, and once it got back to his too-good-for-him wife, she hit the ceiling and the legal sparks are flying!!!!!!!! I just want to say, I am with the wife!!!!!

Now, why would I say that, loves? Let me tell you! This cousin's grandfather was the White Trash bastard who set me up for a job interview that was more a belittling of my homosexuality, which was none of his goddamn business, anyway!!! This uncle's children, at least a couple, could not just shut up about how when I was first out of school I was living at home with my parents, as if that were some kind of disgrace, whereas thirty years later, these children's children run home on a momment's notice, and no one says a goddamn thing. Fuck you, you hypocrites!!!!!!!
This cousin's parents thought THEIR children were perfection, even though the cousin in question was a homophobic jock moron, and the daughter was a stuck up bitch, who was indulged in theatrical fantasies way beyond her level of sophistication; I mean, God forbid mine (and I was MUCH MORE sophisticated, darlings!!!!) should have been tolerated!!!!

But I am getting ahead of myself. Here is the scoop--back in 1967, we were at a Memorial Day family picnic at this uncle's house. Towards the end of the event, I, at the tender age of 12 (though I could pass for 10) heard this cousin (who had to have been in the single digits) call out my name. I turned, and saw this silver thing flying at me!!!! Before I could react, this thing landed smack in one of my eyes, and gave me such a shiner; the only one I have ever had, even with MY big, bitchy mouth!!!!! The little brat had thrown a hubcap off of a lawn mower at me, and this was juvenile homophobia, because even back then, he would go on about how I would act like a girl, etc. Well, fuck you, honey--he went on to have girls, instead of boys, which must have been a blow to his male ego, and now his pussy hounding is going to land him in big time legal trouble. As Santa would say, Ho! Ho! Ho! Though, truthfully, I think the Big Ho is this guy!!!!!!!!!

Which is why I am sorry about all the health aggravations, though not so much about the divorce!!!!!! It will be interesting to see how this plays out, darlings, and you can bet the Raving Queen will report on it all here, girls!!!! But it just goes to show what I have always believed--what goes around comes around!!!! And so it has!!!!!!!!!

Better than "Gossip Girl", darlings!!!!!! See you at the beauty parlor!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls. Soon It Will Be Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, yes, the Festive Christmas. One of the defining symbols for me, in addition to the Nativity, was my Little Golden Books edition of Clarence Clement Moore's "The Night Before Christmas," which portrayed such in visions of Victorian Americana. This was before I discovered Dickens, so I am sure this is what awakened my taste for Victorianism!!!! Not to mention sitting catatonic in front of the screen, while Channel 11 in New York, would broadcast the Yule Log, supposedly burning from Gracie Mansion (whose current inhabitant deserves to burn with it!!!) while playing the most gorgeous Christmas music of the season.

Later the traditions became more irreverent--staying up late with my sister's children, watching the K. Gordon Murray 60's classic "Santa Claus," which from a designer perspective is like a Technicolor Georges Melies film, and features the little Mexican girl, Lupita, plus the most flamboyant Devil this side of Chelsea!!!!! Honey, next to this Devil, I am as butch as Eric Evans!!!!!

Alas, as one matures, ( though I am STILL professionally 24, darlings!!!!) the traditions get more low key. This year I am content to huddle around the fire with friends and family, while squeezing in reading Dickens' "Great Expectations" ( which I will have more to say on when I finish, and get back to NYC, where I can start posting pictures) and just thanking God we all have made it to another Christmas Eve, and hoping we will make it to the next.

So, girls, hang those stockings by the chimney with care, tonight! And not fishnets, you bitches!!!!!! May all your Christmas traditions be observed, and all your Holiday wishes come true!!!!!!!!

Santa, Baby!!!!!!!

Darlings, How Do WE Know When The Movie Is Crap????

One of the loveliest traditions we have this Holiday season, girls, is that my father and I go to the movies; usually the day after Christmas, but with the Raving Queen's schedule this year, the days before. Sometimes we have hit pay dirt; sometimes tolerable disappointments (like when we went to see "Sweeney Todd"). Seeing a movie with my father is a challenge, not only because, at 95, he is unlikely to hear the soundtrack, but the choice of film has to be measured out in teems of how much cursing, nudity and other salactious ingredients are NOT in the movie. Short of "The Sound of Music" (which you know, darlings, I would be delighted to see, but unfortunately it is not playing, and I will NOT do the sing-along) it is pretty hard to find an acceptable film.

So when I saw the ads for this romantic comedy, "How Do You Know," I thought "Aha!"
With Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson (yummy!) and Paul Rudd (not altogether unattractive) it would at least be good to look at. And how bad could it be? Plus, it was written and directed by James L.Brooks, late of "Terms Of Endearment," so I had high hopes for this one.

These hopes were dashed as soon as my father and I entered the screening room. For we had virtually a private screening; we were the only ones in the theater. Now, if this had been "The Wizard Of Oz." great, but let me tell you this was no screen masterpiece. And while it was the afternoon, and people may indeed still have been working, or shopping, or whatever Holiday preparations they were embarking on, what this told me was not only was this potentially a piece of crap, but that maybe suburbanites are not as gullible as I thought when it comes to judging quality of material.

For this was a piece of crap. My father, who is hard of hearing, didn't even need a hearing aid, because even if you muted the sound, the story was so formulaic you could follow. But who cares???? Reese Witherspoon plays this indecisive jockette who can't make up her mind between Owen Wilson and Paul Rudd. Mr. Wilson does his usual smiling jerk routine, Rudd his sympathetic nice guy one, while a subdued Jack Nicholson plays.....well, a subdued Jack Nicholson. The title of this film, dolls, should have been "Paint By Numbers," because it had all the spontaneity of a paint-by-numbers-set, plus WE HAVE ALL SEEN THIS BEFORE. At the longest 116 minutes I have sat through recently, you would have thought I was watching "Potemkin," which, believe me, I wish I was. Hell, I wish I was watching "Teenagers From Outer Space" next to this junk.

I actually prayed my father or I would fall asleep; easy for him. But, no, he stayed awake, and so did I!!!! I guess we had to follow this film to its insipid conclusion, to see if it would end as consistently crappy as it had begun. When the lights finally came up (thank God!) I actually apologized to my father, for taking him to such a crappy film. But how could I have known???

Darlings, if by the time the lights go down, you are the ONLY one in the theater, the film is in trouble!!!!! Unless you are at a film company's screening room for a private Academy screening, forget it!!!!!!!!

You had to feel sorry for everyone involved. Couldn't the actors have found a better project than this?? But, then, you could not picture these actors in "Jane Eyre." I am not sure I could picture any of them reading it!!!!!!!!!!

But tradition has been honored, but I am telling you, darlings, watch out for crappy mmvies. Few things are as irksome as having one's artistic sensibilities offended. The best suggestion I can offer is pay more attention to the trailers, or take a risk and go see what you want ("The Fighter") and hope my father won't be able to hear the cursing!!!!!!!!!

And I am on vacation, no access to Bloody Marys or anything. Thank God for Monsieur Davide being imported tonight. And I will have more to report, darlings, But here is hoping your Holiday Season is going well, but even more important, that your moviegoing experience is better than mine!!!!!!

Lights, Camera, Action, loves!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Still On Vacation, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As stated, darlings, that is why no pics are up, though, as Monsieur Davide says, lack of a visual component is no excuse not to stay in touch with my girls. It is, after all, the writing that is important.

So I am still in bucolic PA with my sister and Elder Father, still going strong at 95. The suburbs are a culture shock to this highly sophisticated New Yorker; I mean, even with the King of Prussia mall. You would not believe the obesity factor down here; I mean, girls, next to some of these porkers, I am Blythe Danner!!! But when you subsist on the Food Court, how can one help not being such?????

And the heterosexuality--oh, my God!!!!!! The local teen boys have "homophobic" writ en all over them. I would just love to stand on a street corner here and scream out "Tyler Clementi"-- I would probably be stoned to death, like Tessie Hutchinson at the end of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery," because I am sure more than 75% of the residents down here, think Ravi, Wei and Rutgers are absolved of any blame in the death of Tyler Clementi. Would you believe some moron commenting said why don't the Clementis sue the owner of the GW Bridge???? Bitches!!!!! Well, let me tell you, the GW Bridge makes it SO easy to do what Tyler did, it is just begging someone to jump!! Why don't they think about putting up barriers, so future jumpers cannot do the deed--at least not on that bridge????? I thought that back in October, when I did the Tyler Clementi walk. If these homophobes get off, and pave the way for acceptance of homophobia in this society, I want you girls to know I will not stand for it---I will brutalize the system until some demands are met, until some kind of justice is attained. Tyler is watching, and he will not rest in peace until this is done.

And for the record, the Clemetis are not doing this to buy a house or advance their financial situation. They lost a gifted child, and while nothing can replace that child they want --and I want--everyone to know that the situation leading to this loss will not be tolerated.

Whew!!!!! This started as a vacation report, and turned into my social agenda!!!! Two topics for the price of one, girls!!!! Don't say the Raving Queen does not cover ALL.

Meanwhile, Elder Father and I are going shopping--Neiman Marcus, no less!-- and then to a movie!!!!! I want to see "The Fighter," but with a beer swilling cuss mongering Amy Adams, I need heavy meds, and my father would have to be taken to the ER. So we are going to settle for "How Do You Know," with Owen Wilson, whose birthday I share, and who for some bizarre reason I find cute. So, girls, I love you all, I will be back with pics soon, so keep up the shopping, catch "Meet Me In St. Louis," with that iconic Christmas sequence with Judy and Margaret, and then have some iconic, and highly potent, egg nog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you under the mistletoe, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Bitch Is No Colorado Rocky Mountain High!!!!

Girls, who would think there would be an abundance of bitches during Christmas week!!! Because, let me tell you, one of the power figures in the NYC arts scene, Miss Julie Taymor, nearly won the award this week, for her consistently putting actors in life injurious positions under the guise of a Broadway musical career, in the musical "Spider Man-In The Dark!" This has to be the most injury laden show since "Starlight Express," and we all know what a piece of crap that was. But at least that piece of crap got to open; if there is any justice, Spidey will not see the light of day, and many actors will be saved, instead of upping the show's insurance risks, making it even more costly than it is!!!!!

But when you match all this against someone who has the temerity to write AND publish a missive entitled, "The Pedophile's Guide To Love And Pleasure," sorry, Julie, but this trounces YOU!!!!!

The winner of the Raving Queen's Bitch Of The Week Award is Phillip R. Greaves.
He is the author of said tome. Arrested at his home in Colorado, he is one creepy looking dude; wish I could show my girls, but this is coming to you from my vacation computer on a MAC, and the picture transition is not the same as on most I use. But who wants to look at ugliness during Christmas week!!!! It is bad enough that such a book got published, and I am betting it was a vanity pressing, but can you believe Amazon at one point was using the Freedom of Speech argument to justify putting it on there sale site????? Get a grip, darlings!!!!! This is no Bronte novel, let me tell you!!!!! Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed, and the book was removed.

Greaves was arrested at his Colorado home, but there is a conneciton to Bartow, Florida. I am not surprised, because Florida is fertile ground for pedophiles--remember Adam Walsh??-- and besides, the sun is so hot and brain cell degenerate, so if you have no mind already, what else is there to do in Florida????? Guess you can tell I will not be retiring there anytime soon; not because I am a pedophile, but because I have too much brains!!!!!!

So let us congratulate our Christmas Bitch Of The Week, Philip Greaves!!!!!
Tie a green ribbon around his...... with some mistletoe, pull hard till it is torn apart from his body!!!!!! Merry Christmas, Peddie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And love to all my good, non-pedophile Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Girls, Go Get Rutgers!!!!!!!!

This just in--late last night, girls, I discovered that the Clementis, Tyler's parents, that is, have notified Rutgers University that they plan to sue the school. As one detractor, even said, at the very least they should be refunded completely the money they shelled out for his education. But more important, this signals another grinding of those proverbial Mills of Justice!!!!!!
I certainly hope that Rutgers is taken to the cleaners, for, despite, what spokesperson E.J.Miranda says, the University IS responsible for Tyler Clementi's death. It provided no safety nets or refuge for him to seek from this bullying harassment, driving him into a state of confusion where he could not think clearly, resulting in him taking the tragic option he did.

You had better believe that They--Rutgers Administration, Dahrun Ravi and Molly Wei--destroyed our sweet Clementine, and they will all pay in some way. Tyler cannot be brought back, BUT his memory can be kept alive, and this could serve to administrators and students alike to watch out for such red signal signs as Tyler had been sending out, but which were palpably ignored. Perhaps a drop in enrollment, a loss of revenues and a jail time coupled with the social stigma that will haunt Ravi and Wei for the remainder of their undeserved lives will serve as a reminder of what was taken from not only the Clementis, but from all of us who felt a kinship with Tyler, and knew of the vast potential that, had it allowed to be tapped into, could have made some substantial contributions to the world.

Darlings, I hope the Clementis take Rutgers to the cleaners, not so much for their monetary gain, as recompense for how this school destroyed not only their son, but their family, for you can bet for anyone fortunate enough to have known or come into contact with Tyler, things will NEVER be the same again!!!!!!!

You can bet they will not be the same for ME, darlings!!!!! And you know where I stand on this!!!!! Let the University offices be harassed to give them a taste of the medicine the University, by its actions, gave Tyler!!!!!! When the dust settled, I hope none of the bones are left!!!!!! And what is, I will burn like the trash it is!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Raving Queen vows that until things are satisfactorily resolved, Tyler Clementi will not go away, he will not be able to rest in peace, and no one deserves to more than he, after the Hell he went through on Earth!!!!! Support the Clementis in their move, pray for them and Tyler, so that they may in times to come know some modicum of happiness, small compensation may it be for what they have lost!!!!!!!!

Tyler and Clementis, the Raving Queen is with and loves you!!! GO ! GO !!!!!! GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Is The Shortest Day Of The Year!!!!!!!

Girls, I don't know what to tell you, but the picture component of this blog will be out for the duration of my stay here in bucolic PA. I SO wanted to provide my darlings with an image of the Winter Solstice, as today is the Shortest Day of the Year, which we have been building towards since June, and which now, as the days progress, By about February, you will begin to notice that the days are suddenly longer; no more those 4:30 sunsets. Dracula and Lesbians will have a harder time of it, darlings, believe me!!!!! Added to which the Winter Depression that sets in, after the Holiday Season comes to a screeching halt on January 2, will begin to lift, and we will begin to feel like we can live again!!!! This, despite our enjoyment of hot drinks and Victorian novels; the reduction/increase of light is unquestionably linked to human emotion. When it is dark, I can't even think about my hair; you have no idea how my appearance suffers, girls!!!!!!!!

I SO wanted to include a nice pic of the Winter Solstice, but alas this computer is more than I can master. But as the Holidays approach, as Santa and the Baby Jesus make ready their respective arrivals, I will stay in touch with my Girls, and maybe by the time I leave to return to the civilization that is New York, I will be able to master the picture component on here; if there is one!!!!
So don't despair, dolls, the Raving Queen is here with you, to wish you the merriest of holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And don't forget that batch of mistletoe, darlings!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Girls, Today Is The Frist Day Of Winter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I was taught consistency, so I am telling you, winter arrives today, but the Shortest Day is Tomorrow????? What I want to know is--which is the Longest Night???? Tonight, or tomorrow!!!!! If the former, I can cuddle with Monsieur Davide flr a LOOOOOOOONG time, if tomorrow I will be wearing my Spinster Nightgown in bucolic Pennsylvania!!!!!!!!

Nevertheless, it is the first day of Winter. Ah, yes, the snow covering the hope of spring. That day whenever the spring breaks through. Yes, of course I know this "Lara's Theme" from "Doctor Zhivago; " do you think I am stupid!!!! I mean, back in the 69=0s, when this film appeared, we ALL wanted to be Julie Christie!!!!!
And we still do; because I am telling you, at close to 70, she looks fantastic!!!!!!!!

Winter also marks the halfway point of Prosperina's stay in Hell; she has been down three months,and can come back up in three more!!!! Hang on there, doll!!!!!!!!! What I can NEVER understand is once the Holidays come to a screeching halt on January 2, the next 79 days are the LONGEST of the year!!!! It seems winter never ends, even though we like cuddling, hot drinks, and reading Victorian literature, which seems to go well with this weather. As soon as I finish my current missive, I am going to re read that old favorite, "Great Expectations," by Charles Dickens!!!!! That Miss Havisham is one of my role models, and a role I have ALWAYS wanted to play!!!!! In acting, darlings, not real life!!!!!!!

So let us welcome another Winter, a fabulous Solstice, capped off by the arrival of the Baby Jesus--the Only One whose birth could upstage Meryl Streep's!!!!!!!!

Let's get those chestnuts ready to roast, loves!!!!!!

Darlings, Thank God For Three Lives

Well, girls, I finished my Christmas shopping, which you would think means I could relax, but who are we kidding???? After running all over town--up and down, buying everything from a necktie to a bus ticket--Quelle Catastrophe!!!! Just when it looked as though I might be able to relax at Monsieur Davide's with a cup of tea, and finish my re-read of "The Razor's Edge," what should I discover but that the book was missing. Not on me, not in my bag--gone!!!!!

I am telling you, I went catatonic on the street for about a second. Then I walked back and forth furtively. Retracing my steps along the store route, I came up with nothing, when suddenly it dawned on me where the book was. When I had gone to Port Authority earlier in the day, to purchase the bus ticket to my sister's, I stopped near a huge plant to re-organize myself, and in the process put both my bag and the book along the rim of the plant pot. I snatched up the bag--but not the book, making that discovery only about two hours later. There was a point at which I considered going back up there; once I had left a book on the rim of an ATM at West 72nd Street, and it was still there!!!! I even felt "The Razor's Edge would still be where it had been left--but what if it was not. More important, did I want to expend all that effort going back uptown. Of course, the answer was "No!"

Then I recalled I was near Three Lives Bookstore, my home away from home, and maybe they would have a copy, so I could finish the last 30 pages. I got there, they had it, and tragedy was averted.

Cats have nine lives, but this store has hundreds. Real books for real people--Flaubert. Dickens. Dostoevsky. Lady Murasaki. And Jacqueline Sussann. After all, where would any of us be, if it weren't for Jacqueline Sussann. Where the Hell would I be?????? And of course the wonderful staff could not be more understanding.
Toby, the owner, who appears in several of Julia Glass' books may be one of the few people on Earth taller than the late Bea Arthur. Joyce could play any of Joan Allen's roles while solving cold cases in Philly with ease, while reading the entire oeuvre of Doris Lessing. And that Mauara--so cool, mysterious--is she the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, or Gene Tierney in "Laura?" No one can be sure, but she knows the book scene, darling!!!! While Amanda is poised on the brink of stardom; when at last they film "Special Topics In Calamity Physics," I am telling you, she will be cast as Blue. I wonder who will play her father??? Hopefully, not Barbara Hershey!!!!! The store even has a pretty seasonal ornament, named Chris, and I bet he kringles with the best!!!!! As for Carol, who can do everything from sell a book to analyze a film, to--the IMPOSSIBLE, darlings, but she DID it--finding me a suitable man, she is probably right now living it up, vacationing on a hydrogen atom!!!!!! Very venturesome, is Carol!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These folks saved my sanity yesterday, and have done so on countless occasions over the years. So, don't be a pussy; they only have nine lives, after all!!!! Three Lives has hundreds, so get on down there and partake of those lives. Yes, girls, I am telling you to buy a goddamn BOOK!!!! MY girls will have no problem with this; the rest--it will do you good!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you at the Angles' Gate, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Darlings, Let Us talk About My New Act!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, if you are gay, aside a from a fabulous wardeobe stashes in your closet, you have, submerged in your mind, an act!!!! After all, once Barbra in "Funny Girl" told us, "When you're gifted, then you're gifted!" that gave us carte blanche on unleashing ourselves to the world. Though, let me say, I knew this about myself long before Barbra; ever since I pirouetted--yes, that is right, Darlings!--from my Mother's womb!!!!!!!

But, honestly, with so much fabulousness at hands, what am I supposed to do????
I cannot, as has been suggested, convert this blog into Standup, because then what would I report to my girls on????? I could do showtunes; but, honey, let me tell you, if you think singing "Meadowlark" or "Anthem" from "Chess" is easy, then you need to go back to watching Shirley Temple in "Bright Eyes!!!!"

What I need, loves, is something that displays my purity and innocence--yes, I AM!!!!-- and does not require much effort. Like when I sing "Frank Mills" each September 12 in front of the Waverly (now the IFC Center), which I have been doing each year since 1978, save for a certain incident the day before in 2001!!!!!!!!!
This Christmas season I have been discovering and rediscovering the Roches--who, by the way are performing tonight on Varrick Street at the City Winery; but do you think I could get a ticket???? So I will be there in spirit. Inspired by these Divinities, I have come up with something I call The Barefoot Virgin, inspired by Joan Baez in her early days at Club 47!!!!!!!!

Picture this--the crowd gets quiet, then out of nowhere, I step, a barefoot Vision of Innocence, clad in nothing but one of my Spinster (though I am no longer a spinster) Nightgowns, assume the mike, either a capella or with a guitar accompanist--while trilling such folksies as "Geordie," "Fenario", "500 Miles," and others mentioned on here, finishing off the set with my luminous rendering of "Frank Mills", where my embodiment of virginal innocence is so acute, the audience would gasp!!!!!!!

What do you think, girls!!!! And we could take it farther, of course, by doing a benefit for Tyler Clementi, whom we must remember along with his family, this Holiday season. The sweetest of Clementines, looks down on us now, and we must NOT forget him, nor the fight to end all senseless tragedies!!!!!

Darlings, how do you like that--show biz and social activism!!!!! Room in my heart for all God's creatures--especailly the well off and the well endowed!!!!!

But don't be surpised if I turn up somewhere, darlings!!!! My innocence radiates!!!!!!!