Thursday, May 27, 2010

Darlings, Once Again It Is Time For Bitch Of The Week!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I have been saving this week's Bitch on purpose for this date and occasion, because tonight we are going to see the film from which she came.

The winner this week of The Raving Queen's Bitch Of The Week Award is none other than--Miss Carol Harbin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Who?" I know some of you out there are asking. Let me explain.

Carol Harbin is the daughter of Lucy Harbin, both of whom appear in the film classic "Strait-Jacket" (1964), featured tonight at the Chelsea with Hedda Lettuce.
This is William Castle's trash classic about a womman who REALLY does have an ax to grind!!!! She is, of course, played in all her garish glory by Joan Crawford, but let me tell you, girls, Lucy is one of her more sympathetic roles, because as her daughter, Diane Baker, as Carol Harbin, is, though you might not believe it, even worse than Ann Blyth as Veda in "Mildred Pierce."

At least with Veda, loves, you know you are dealing with a trampy, viperish bitch! But Diane Baker as Carol gives us this Miss Butter Wouldn't Melt In Her Mouth Virgin act, which has her horndog boyfriend Michael's tongue hanging out so far that when Joan shows up on the scene you can tell he is desperate to bang her! Hell, he is desperate to bang anything, because he sure isn't getting it from Carol, who with her pristine dresses and sixties hairstyle--probably changes her panties every hour on the hour--is clearly saving herself for marriage. Oh, come on!

Carol Harbin, my dear, was a girl from the wrong side of the tracks, who is trying to advance her way up the social ladder by marrying dairy heir Michael Field and becoming, yes, girls, a Dairy Queen!!!!!!!! By clamping her legs shut, she keeps Michael hanging, never dreaming he's gonna wanna bang Joan, and when she does her inner bitch comes out, because Carol is not going to go back to the white trash by-the railroad-tracks environment that she was raised in. Hell, even the trash section of my home town, Goat Alley, was more high class than that. Well, just barely. But Carol turns out to be the most rotten of daughers, because her act is part of her grand plan to kill her inlaws, frame it on her mother, and then obsessively have Michael and his fortune all to herself. Now, one cannot condemn a girl for wanting a rich husband--can we now, girls?--but to mess with Joan Crawford??? Honey, you are asking for trouble! And to try and upstage Joan??? Impossible!!!! Trying to drive her own mother back to the mental hospital from which she has been released by making her think she is a muderess again, killing her inlaws, I mean not even Veda went this far! Veda only killed out of passion and jealousy; Carol kills at a moment's notice. She is a truly dangerous bitch! We just LOVE her! Watch Diane in the scene where Joan lights the match on the record; you can see her dirpping with jealousy. Her Jocasta like speech at the film's climax is a classic, as are her histrionics. Sweeties, I don't want to say too much more, in case some of you who are reading this have not seen the film, and are going to tonight. So let me jut say--few bitches surpass Carol Harbin!!!!! And who would have thought wholesome Diane Baker could pull such an iconic portrayal off????

You have to watch out for those wholseome bitches, girls!!!!! We just LOVE Carol and Diane.

But don't try and fool ME with some virgin act, girls!!!! Believe me I have been around the track and know the score. Make sure you do too, lambs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Have You Heard About The Mickey Mouse Plot?????

Darlings, Bonnie Hoxie! I mean, what a name for starters! But it only gets better--Ms. Hoxie, who I am certain, girls, is a REAL dime store doxie, is the high ranking Disney secretary who, with ber boyfriend has been accused of selling off company secrets to competitors, so she can live her Cinderella lifestyle fantasy of designer bags and shoes. And THIS on the day that "Sex And The City 2" opens.

Now, lambs, those of you out there who read me regularly know that we are ALL better than Miss Hoxie, because we all live out our designer fantasies every single day of our lives. As atttested by this blog, in addtion to being a cabaret, LIFE is one big designer fantasy. So you will not catch me or anyone who reads this pulling the kind of stunts Ms. Hoxie did. I mean, stealing from Disney, how low can you get?
It is like stealing from the Church, which pretty much comes to the same thing, since Disney was an anti-Semitic, anti-gay spewing heterosexist bigot, and the Church is empowered by bigoted pedophiles, and these Papas do NOT practice what they preach. And what they DO practice is disgusting!!!!! So a collaboration between the Church and Disney would not surprise me.

But in stealing and offering to sell secrets, Ms. Hoxie is guilty of tarnishing an image beloved to children, and thus tarnishing little innocent tykes themselves. Again, like the Church, but in a different way. There was a name for women such as Hoxie in Salem, MASS. and they had a pretty good idea there, back in 1692, about what to do with them. Throw the book at this degrading bitch!!!! Only for reasons which will be shortly revealed is she NOT this week's Bitch of the Week.

One thing is for certain. Ms. Hoxley will get a designer wardrobe. The kind that comes with stripes, and I do not mean by Cecil Beaton.

Make sure all your stripes out there are Beatonesque, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Darlings, Remember To Do Your Patriotic Duty!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, do you know what today is? It is the official beginning of Fleet Week 2010, which runs from now through May 31. Thousands of sailors are coming into town, and girls, you must be on hand to welcome them. Anchors awigh, my boy, anchors aweigh!!!!!! Bring a lonely sailor home for a freshly cooked meal. It is up to each and every one of you girls what to offer for desert, but believe me I have some ideas. Or maybe he will offer himself as desert in exchange for the meal.

Fleet Week is when we all learn and earn our value as Patriotic Americans, and what could be more patriotic than servicing our boys in the Service? So run down to those piers, girls, and greet those boys as they come ashore. Just think of all that white and those prominent VPL's!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you don't show yours, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Darlings, Do You Think I Will Forget My Girls???? My Babies??????????????

Girls, I am telling you, it has been a whirlwind couple of days with not just the weather heating up, let me make that perfectly clear. Did you know that yesterday was a banner day in Musical Theater history? On the night of May 24,
1966, 44 years ago, "Mame" opened at the Winter Garden Theater. Yes, the overture played and Jane Connell and Frankie Michaels took those historic steps stage right to center stage to open the show with "St. Bridget," and the rest is history. And can you believe, loves, that the original "Mame" herself, Angela Lansbury, was last night, again 44 years to the day, playing on Broadway in the revival of "A Little Night Music?" Go, Angela!!!!!!!!!!! At soon to be 85, this legend of the Musical Stage is not about to stop anytime soon, and inspires us all, even those of us without vaginas!!!!!!

Alas today is a black day in New York history. Thirty one years ago today, a little SoHo boy, age 6, took his first--and last--steps toward independence, when he walked to school for the first time, vanished, and made Missing Child history. Those of my girls out there I am sure know whom I am talking about--Etan Patz!!!! For years, the whole thing was enshrouded in mystery, but let me tell you, eventually mysteries unravel, and I am glad I lived to see the unraveling of this way. It turns out this sweetie was abducted by a pedophile named Jose Antonio Ramos, who happened to be dating the Patzes babysittter. That babysitter should be held liable to, in my opinion. And according to Lisa Cohen in last year's book, "After Etan," Ramos happened to be a super of a building on East 10th Street, so after doing Etan in, he cremated him in the building incinerator, which is why there was never any closure for the Patzes, who had him declared legally dead in
2,001, when he was actually dead hours after adbudction on that sad day in 1979.

Darlings, turn Ramos over to all us bitches and give him a good working over. Turn him over to the Patzes and make him admit to their faces what he did, the scum. And smack that babysitter until she goes flying against the wall!!!!!!!!!!

No one who was alive in the Metropolitan area in 1979 could avoid any kind of POV regarding the Patz case, still the most reprorted and famous missing child case in area history. His name is now synonymous with a parents' worst nightmare, and in fact in his honor today is declared National Missing Children's Day.

So there is still a lot going on for me to report to my girls on. But mark my words, before we die the next big child mystery--that of Jon Benet Ramsey will be solved, and it will prove once and for all that Stage Mother Birch Patsy did her in our of jealousy. Etan Patz was solved, so was Martha Moxley. Jon Benet remains, and when that happens you know you will hear it first on here, darlings.

Meanwhile I have to get ready for my big romantic evening. Make sure your hair looks as perfect as mine, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss Kiss, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Darlings, Art Who???????????????

Girls, remember that wonderful scene in "Splendor In The Grass" between Barbara Loden and Pat Hingle? She played trampy Ginny Stamper, who had just been brought back to her small Kansas town after running wild in the big city, where she had to have a.....gasp!.......abortion. She is having breakfast the next morning, and telling her family that she "wants to go to Chicago,live with aunt Blossom, and study art." To which her father retorts, "Art who?????"

Well, darlings, that is how I felt last night. While I was being escorted through MOMA by a very handsome and charming gentleman, we happened upon what looked like a movie being shot, what with all the lights, filters, and people hovering around the stage periphery like crowds at Lourdes. Sweeties, it looked like an outtake from "The Song of Bernadette," except where was Jennifer Jones?????

Everyone was staring at this woman in a period white gown, hair pulled back in a pony tail, seated ramrod straight, seemingly catatonic, except for little surreptitious movements which she would make, and the audience seemed to be hanging on this as avidly as if watching the "Psycho" shower scene. Lambs, we just did not have the time or the patience to fool with this, but as we taripsed through the museum, we noted that at some point the woman was joined by a man seated across from her a good distance, whose movements were also setting the crowd on edge. I mean, darlings, as Pat Hingle said, "Art who?" It just makes you wonder, sweeethearts.

Now this Thursday we have art of a very high grade, when Chelsea Classics, hosted by the great Hedda Lettuce, is again presenting the Joan Crawford classic, "Strait Jacket," which raises art to a level that has to be believed, and as will soon be revealed, is a brilliant meditation on the maintenance of one's social class distinctions in this society. Girls, the only thing distinctive last night about that piece at MOMA was the foolish way the crowd was hagning on.

Don't you fall for the crowd, dolls, keep moving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Darlings, This Week We Honor One Of Our Most Beloved Bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week's winner is not really a bitch in the personal sense, but one who is adept at playing them. I am talking about none other than our current Bitch Of The Week Award Winner, and an Oscar winner to boot--Miss Louise Fletcher.

Girls, it's been known for years--if you need a bitch, call Louise. Nobody does it better, as Carly Simon says. From her breakthrough turn as Nurse Ratched in the 1975 "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest," to Olivia, the grandmother in "Flowers In The Attic" to Agnes Carpenter in "The Carpenters", a turn of the eye and a snarl of the voice from Louise is enough to set audiences atremeble with delight over what bitchery she will pull next. Honey, we cannot wait to see her in "Mother Dracula"--that would be a hoot!

And to think she is one of the sweetest people out there. Who can forget her touching tribute to her deaf mute parents at the Oscars, as she spoke to them in sign language before an audience of millions? Millions have thrilled to Louise's bitchery, and we look forward over more malice from her to come. I still think she could pull off the role of the demented mother--or maybe now make that grandmother--in a film version of Judi Miller's 1981 trash balllet classic, "Save The Last Dance For Me." Darlings, I would love to follow in Louise's footsteps as a first rate screen bitch. But till that day arrives we have the magnificent Miss Fletcher, and The Raving Queen congratulates her personally on this disttinctive honor!!!!!!!

We just LOVE you, Louise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Darlings, Is Elena Kagan A Lesbian???????

Now, girls, I am not exactly preoccupied with lesbianism this week, though it certainly does seem that. I have sufficiently gotten over what will become my classic encounter with these butch dame on Sunday, thank you very much! At one point when I was recounting my story to someone, and began describing the ladies in question, one person piped up, "Oh, like Elena Kagan!"

Let us face it, Elena is no Blythe Danner, and there is a mannish matter about her. But is that just her careerist persona, or is there more? And why is it almost always automatically assumed that if a woman is not the glamorous type she is a lesbian. I mean, darlings, look at Bea Arthur!!!!!!!!!!! "Walter, do you still find me attractive?" I couldn't answer that question even if I were hetero, which those of you on here by now should know I am not. But no one ever asssumed Bea Arthur a lesbain, so why Elena Kagan? Of course if she is a lesbian, that is just fine, so long as she does not impose it on me. But until the verdict is in I cannot fully endorse the idea of a mannish woman being a lesbain. what would Tyne Daly say?
Look to confirmation, darlings, not rumormongering and gossip!

But tell me the minute you find out, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Darlings, I Am STILL Shaken!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, after last weekend's lesbian encounter, I am still shivering. Good thing I have a warm and glowing evening planned, loves, because it will take the pain off that Saaphic sting. What is the world coming to, when we have to fear the wrath of butch lesbians? Butch gays, who are bigger and stronger (though their lesbian counterparts would not agree) don't behave this violently; or if they do it is toward each other, not threatening everyone else in a public place.

But my hair is done and coiffed, and I am all set to hit the town tonight. And again tomorrow with Virginia, whose adventures are so exciting to hear.

And before you know it, it will be Memorial Day weekend, kicked off by the Joan Crawford classic, "Strait Jacket!" What a way to usher in the summer!

Hope the summer is as summery as we all hope it will be, girls!!!!!!!!!!!

And watch out for predtory lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Darlings, Protect Me From Predatory Lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, don't worry, I have NOt been hit on by a lesbian. After all, my male appendage guarantees I won't, and I would not go there, anyway. I am talking about what happened yesterday afternoon at Manatu's in the Village before I attended my Dignity service.

There I was, lambs, seated, eating a sandwich and drinking a coke, and the place was packed. The front doors were open to let in air because it was warm. Near the front doors, off to my right, sat a trio of women who clearly were the sort you would find hanging out in front of Henrietta's on Saturday night, and sweethearts, let me tell you, if you are in any way male, you do not dare cross that line, because dead men certainly don't tell no tales.

It was a quiet, peaceful Sunday afternoon at Mantus, when the serenity was suddenly shattered--so suddenly it took us all aback, and we were too stunned to react--when the woman with her back to the door, stood up abruptly, scraping her chair loudly enough for all to hear, then throwing an object--a knife or fork I think, which, considering how packed the place is, could have resulted in disaster and danger for someone--and screaming out, "I am walking out." The women seated across from her, to whom she vented this wrath, screamed back at her, "I hope you drink yourself to death!" To which the woman standing answered, while groping her crotch like a man, and let me tell you, darlings, I THOUGHT I saw a bulge theere, and replied, "I hope you grope yourself to death!" Then she stormed off furiously, with one of the waiters chasing after her, screaming, "You crazy lesbian bitch!!!!!!!!" The woman seated next to the first woman, declared, "I am walking out!" got up, and left. Simply but firmly. I felt bad for the woman left, I thought she was going to cry. She did not, and somehow pulled herself together, went on with the rest of her meal, then got up, paid, and walked out of there with some kind of dignity.

Now, I do not know what transpired between them, lambs, to provoke this, but I am telling you--a bunch of gay men would NOT throw an object across a roomful of people, endangering anyone. We would yell "Bitch!" and flounce out of there as fast as our hips could wiggle, like Scarlett in GWTW, which is less dangerous than what these women did. I firmly believe there is a place for lesbians in our society--after all, we are all God's creatures, darlings--but with something like this, I begin to think that that place is the island of Lesbos. Or at least Staten Island!

It is not enough we have to worry about gay bashing, now we have to worry abut violent lesbinas. When I lived in Brookln, there was a pair who left two doors away--real diesels, let me tell you!--and every so often I would be reading in my bedroom, and the walls would shake, and I would hear "Where the hell is my birthday card? Gimme my goddamn birthday card!" What I did not know, working all day and not being home much, was that this behavior went on pretty regularly, so much so that the other tenants called for their evicition. And when they went, they wrote, in red lipstick, all kinds of obscenities on the mirrors and walls.

So Frank Marcus pretty much had it dead to rights when he wrote "The Killing of Sister George." I would like to see this trio from yesterday "Moo-ing" in front of a TV camera. The gay couple near them were so terrified, they got up and left.
As well they should. I am calling for Gay Man Protection Agst Lesbians! And if it happens again, I will go to the Anit-Violence project.

This is what my weekend was like, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Darlings, I MIght As Well Play Bridge With My Old Maid Aunts!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, wheeee-hew!, my old maid aunts made me what I am today. Saturday eves at their lace strewn, doily laden residence with stewed prunes and other spinster gourmet delights was SO exciting. You learned all about dining and sophistication but once a month on Satuday they would go out with "The Girls" and have the most exciting meals and scintillating conversations. Darlings, it made me yearn for adulthood, and when I became an old maid aunt--which I have been for a long time, but am finally hoping to escape--I appreciated what I had been taught. And let me tell you, some of those nights were more action filled than I got on some of those so-called date ngihts. So do not mock this lyric, girls, go visit and pay some attention to your old maid aunts, because they can teach you more than you could imagine they would know.

So stock up on spinsterhood this weekend, loves, and have yourselves a great one!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Darlings, This Week We Bring You Our First Fictitious Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, when I initiated this column months back, I DID promise that some of our Bitches of the Week would be fictitious ones--characters whose bitchiness we just love. And there is no better place to begin than our current winner.

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is--Miss Veda Pierce!!!!!!!

She was, of course, darlings, immmortalized by Ann Blyth in the Joan Crawford classic "Mildred Pierce." Now, as we know, Joan could be something of a bitch herself, but that is for another time. In "Mildred Pierce", for which she won as Oscar, she was actually playing for sympathy, as a self-sacrificing Mom with an ungrateful daughter. No one knew about Joan back then, so they empathized with her as Mildred. But for those of us who know Joan now--she got what she asked for here!!!!

Darlings, you just have to LOVE Veda! She is SO misunderstood. She was just a poor, unrecognized girl with goals, which let me tell you, I can relate to, loves. You had better believe Veda knew her dress designers; my favorite moment comes early on, when she tries on the packaged dress and declares "It's awfully cheap material. I can tell by the smell. ....."Well, if you are going to buy anything, it should be the best. This is definitely NOT the best!"

Damn right, Veda, which is what endured me and counteless others to her. I mean, the social disgrace of having your mother be a waitress. I was NOT raised in Goat Alley, hon, and neither was Veda, and the very idea was enough to make our skin crawl. You can bet my mother was no waitress. Veda had goals and aspirations, which is more than can be said for young people today, if sitting through that awful "American Idiot" two nights ago is any indication, and they are something all us gay boys can relate to--a mansion and a rich husband!!!!! Honey, if I had them, I am ready to retire right now! And Veda was no tramp; she got $10k from Ted without even sleeping with him, though she DID sleep with Monty, who was obviously more of a catch. And even Monty had her number, which is why she gunned him down. But our Veda is not one to take any crap, so take heed loves--her parting line is "Don't worry about me, Mother; I'll get by." From nightclub to prison, you better believe this bitch will get by, which is why we LOVE her.

So hats off to Miss Veda Pierce, our Bitch Of The Week. You have to hand it to her, she knew how to go after what she want and get it.

Let's hope I have the same luck, loves! But without some of Veda's consequences!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Darlings, Once You Have Sat Through "American Idiot, You Realize What A Genius Bonnie Tyler Was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I must be feeling my age, girls, because last night, while watching "American Idiot" at the St James Theatre, the Gerneration Gap came full circle, because, while I am not a parent, I now understand what my poor father had to go through back in 1969, sitting with me through the movie "Woodstock." By the time I left the theater, my ears were throbbing, and I was desperate for curling under my comforter with a cup of a tea and a novel, even if--God forbid!--it was Barbara Taylor Bradford!!!! You see what this show did to me, loves? It sent me back to Barbara Taylor Bradford!!!!!!

Now, no one loves a bitchfest more than moi, girls, and those of you who have followed along on here know how bitchy I can get. I mean, yeah!!!! BUT bitchfests, and bitching in general, have to be about something, and then you have to make your receptors UNDERSTAND what it is you are bitching about. Which the makers of this show fail to do, because the music has been amped up SO MUCH that during the ensemble numbers you cannot understand a single word. The cast is young, some, I mean the guys, are rather cute, but so what, when you can not make heads or tails of the material. All of these kids are talented; they'd be better showcasing it in "Annie" instead of this!!!!! The whole intermissionless evening (and thank God only 90 minutes!) is one screaming, jumping up and down session about parental misunderstanding, running away from home, and then, aw shucks, we can't hack it in the outside world, so let's go home!!!!! I mean, "The Wizard of Oz" was more sophisticated than this--and has inspired generations. This only inspires a mass exodus when the show is over, though let me tell you, darlings, this got a STANDING OVATION from the audience!!!!! Well, hell, they would ovate a trained seal. But in this case, sweethearts--the TRAINED SEAL WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still, there was one nice song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" that shows there is potential here, and another, "21 Guns" that reminded me of "Three-Five-Zero-Zero" from "HAIR." Except "HAIR" did it better.

To think of those poor ghosts lurking about the St James Theatre, where so many classics have premiered, who must be hanging their heads in shame over this. One can hope it will beat a hasty retreat, but I do not think so, not only because it is the HOTTEST tkt on Broadway, but I would not be surprised if the TONY voters, thinking this is so NOW, vote it "Best Musical". Michael Reidel, can you hear me???????????? Helppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It makes you realize what a genius Bonnie Tyler is. If only her music video of "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" had been put on the musical stage! Now there is a SHOW!!! With lyrics!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I need a total eclipse of the heart myself, but, who knows, it could be on the way. I have to be cagey for now, but when the time is right, I will shed light on all this mystery!!!!

But do yourselves a favor and save money--do not see "American Idiot." Though the REAL AI's are the ones who think it is great!!!!!!

"Mother of Mercy! Is this the end of Rico?" It could be the end of musical theater!!!!!!!!!!!!

Help me, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Darlings, Remember When We All Wanted To Be Supremes??????

I just recently heard "Someday, We'll Be Together" on an office loudspeaker today, and let me tell you, darlings, it took me back to the days when I wanted to be Diana Ross, and sing with the Supremes. When they did that song in their final appearance on the Ed Sullivan show, it was the end of an era, and things have never been the same. Even with that era having been brilliantly chronicled by Michael Bennett onstage in "Dreamgirls." And I am talking about the STAGGE verison not the movie! Jennifer Hudson, indeed!!!!!

This music just stops me in my tracks, girls! And stay tuned tomorrrow as I report on another excursion down the aisle at the Tony nominated "American Idiot." It shoud be something, though what, I am not sure!

Oh, yes we will girls, yes wwe will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Darlings, What Is It About Anguished Spinsters!!!!!!!

You may not believe this, girls, but I used to call myself a spinster. And not just a spinster, one who, as I believed at one time all spinsters must, "be grateful to whatever crumbs are thrown to them for life." Somewhere between this life stage and when I crossed the threshold of 40, I said fuck that, it is time to get about. And I haven't stopped. No, loves, I don't have a HUSSSSSSSSSBAAAAAAAAND!, but I am working on it.

But the anguished spinster continues to fascinate, and I want to call you attention to two great examples. Right now, lambs, I happen to be rereading the Ray Bradbury classic "Something Wicked This Way Comes," of which I have vivid memories of my one and only viewing of the 1983 Disney (can you believe it?) movie. As soon as I happened upon Miss Foley, the spinster schoolteacher, I recalled that the great character actress, Mary Grace Canfield, who will always be remembered as Ralph The Plummer on "Green Acres", played the spinster Miss Foley in the movie, and seldom in so short a time has the anguish of spinsterhood--which I recall, darlings!--been represented. A younger actress, Sharan Lea, played Young Miss Foley, whom the spinster wanted to be, feeling, as all spinsters do, that the parade has passed her by, and if she could just be young and beautiful again she could have a second chance. But as this story proves, there are NO second chances, and prices must be paid.........

In a similar vein there is Nettie Cobb in "Needful Things", played by the great Amanda Plummer. Nettie's solace from loneliness is her Rotweiler, Raider, and when he is murdered, and found hanging and mutilated in her closet, the spinster goes off her bird, and honey, she grabs a butcher knife and heads over to her arch enemy, Wilma Jercyzk (ie; Jerk, get it?) played by Shane Meier, as a goddamn beans n' franks lesbian, and don't we all know about those, girls. Wilma, in the meantime, has had her house vandalized, and is dead certain Nettie did it, which has her reaching for her butcher knife. Nettie gets there first, and Amanda, at her most Plummerish, says "You killed my doggy, bitch!" YEAH!!!!!! Then Wilma says menacingly, like one of the girls at Henrietta Hudson's on Saturday night here in New York, "Come on, you bitch!" And what a bitchfest takes place--when the two go flying out the window, it is a classic1 Nettie may be a spinster, but when spinsters are deprived, they are NOT to be messed with! And let me tell you something, darlings--this sequence I just described is on YouTube, and let me tell you it SO cathartic. After watching it, I felt so mellowed out that I am ready to face the rest of my day.

Girls, we just love those anguished spinsters. And so does American literature and culture---from Faulkner, to Capote, to Harper Lee, to Tennesse Williams, on up to the ones I have describec, and I am sure there will be others. But special kudos to Mary Grace and Amanda for delineating their characters so superbly.

Now, what can I delineate, girls? Maybe a beef bourgenon, and a sit down dinner with a husband? Honey, stay tuned, but let me tell you, I will not be priced out the way Miss Foley was!!!!!!!

See you at The Pierre, sometime, girls, in my Vera Wang gown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Cross Your Fingers, Girls!!!!!!!

Darlings, just like the cross my heart bra! Yes, tonight is the big night, loves and I am SO nervous. An extra layer of night cream was applied last night before sleep for assurance. And to think I am wearing the shirt on the photo. Some things are subliminal, I guess. And of course all sorts of nervous things are floating through my head--"It will be wonderful," "It will not," "We'll get married." "Then I will lose my job"--and on and on. You better believe I am taking meds today, and now, girls, you know why.

A lovely time was had by all at Riverside Park. Our book club hostess, Julia, served poizza, which she swears she did not make, but with Julia, are you kidding? And we had coffee and talk afterwards at her place, and what a cozy little domestic enclave she and her busband, Henry have. It is like "La Boeheme" without the music.
Just like two clams crammed into one half shell!

Darlings, even though I would like to be crammed(!!!!) with someone, I have to wonder and marvel at how they do it. But soon they will find their dream spot and then kisses for all!!!!!

Girls, I am just SO nervous. Even one of my coworkers commented. I told him I did not sleep well last night, which was half true, because these gorillas in my nabe were having a party that went on past midnight!!! Until a familiar voice, whom I do not know, but am always grateful for, yelled out the window--"Shut the fuck up, you animals! I am calling the cops NOW!" Then I heard a siren in the distance, and you better believe there was dead silence and a good night sleep after that. Hats off to this guy, who deserves a good blow job. Maybe not from me, but from soneone.

So, you can see what a mess I am, darlings, but I look gorgeous. I will be sure to give all of you a full report on the exploits this eve!

wish me luck, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Darlings, There Is SO MUCH To Report!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, the first thing I want to say is according to my sources, Amy Adams is very near due to give birth. Some figure it will be this Sunday, the 9th, which is Mother's Day, and as Amy is perfection herself, wouldn't that just be? Think how exciting it is going to be, darlings, when Meryl Streep delivers the baby herself. Will the baby resmble Meryl Streep? I cannot WAIT to find out. But with Amy Adams as the mother, you know this baby is going to radiant and enchanting!!! Just like ME, loves!!!!!

Let me say that "Memphis," the recently Tony nominated musical, which I saw Wednesday evening, is worthy of what it got. I was expecting a musical compendium of songs out of Memphis from that era, but what you get is a show biz book musical, with a galvanizing star performance by leading man Chad Kimball, whose performance cries out to win the Tony Award, and, honey, I think he should win. How many men in musicals are allowed to stop the show like this, girls?? Not too many, I can tell you, which is why I have not stopped any of late. But Chad is electric as Huey
Calhoun, and he is matched every step of the way by Montnegro Grove, who is sensational, and the choreography of Serge Trujillo, who has clearly learned a few things from Michael Bennett--hell THIS is who should done "Promises, Promises," not our former Week Bitch, Rob Ashford!!!!!

Speaking of Michael Bennett, did you know Donna and Baayork are in town? They are going to be part of a reception honoring Bennett Monday evening at Dancers Over 40, and don't you know you want to be there. And if I were Rob Ashford or the 'Promieses' cast, I would get nervous, because I am certain Donna and Baayork are going to check the show out, and set everyone straight on what it SHOULD be. I would not be surprised if they just stepped into it one night next week, and, darling, you know I would love to be there for that. We shall see!!!!!!

I am feeling like Anita in "West Side Story" or the dancers in "A Chorus Line" because I have a big evening planned and like song says "I've come this far, but even so, it could be yes, it could be no...." The event takes place tomorrow at the Riviera Cafe, with its famous Bloody Marys, so if anything I will come out of this relaxed and feeling like Tallulah.

But today it my day off, so it is errands, book group, and trying to squeeze in a screening of "Metropolis" at the Film Fourm. In the meantime, girls, drink up for me, and keep your fingers crossed that I can soon fly from the land of carbon paper to that of flowered chintz!!!!

And don't forget to see "The Human Centipede" A laugh riot!

Cheers for Our Amy, and to you all, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FABULOUS COFFEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Darlings, The Bitches Just Keep Coming To Us!!!!!!!!!!!

Before we get to discussing this week's winner for Bitch Of The Week, a few words about a recent one, Miss Linda Lavin. Though a supreme bitch, The Raving Queen congratulates her on her TONY nomination for the now Broadway production of Donald Margulies' "Collected Stories." Never mind Linda is nominated for a role that was originated by a far better actress than she (Uta Hagen, whom I saw in the part, darlings!), it shows both that bitches can still do excellent work, and even though we may hate them, we can honor them.

But let us get to our current winner, who is freshly minted. In fact, he sprung onto the Bitch Scene this morning. The winner of this week's Bitch Of The Week Award is--Florida minister George Alan Rekers.

First, we are not surprised he hails from Florida which probably has more bigots and homophobes per capita than any state in the union. Hell, I am surpised the Matthew Sheperd tragedy did not happen THERE. In the grand tradition of Larry Craig, Rekers is another anti-gay spouting closest case who has been caught with his pants down--in this case travelling to Europe, no less, with a companion he acquired from, which has nothing to do with social deportment, girls!!!! He CLAIMS the boy was hired to tote his baggage, when in fact we know what he was hired to do was STROKE it! And if you look at Rekers, it stands to reason he would have to pay--that bad hair and moustache--hell, the man is so ugly, with most likely a personality to match, that only a paid sex consort would give him action. You have to feel sorry for said consort; he must have had to close his eyes, conjure up pretty images, wash his mouth out, and all those other things sex professionals have to do when saddled with extremely unattractive clients.

Added to which it is found out that Rekers has ADOPTED a 16 year old boy. Hasn't he ever heard the exprssion "Sixteen will get you 20!" ? I guess not, and let me tell you I would like to know what the word "adoption" means in this case here. Are we talking Bruce Wayne, and his "young ward" Dick Grayson? Uh-huh, and we know all about THAT loves. Just like we always knew about Captain America and Bucky!!!!! However, Rekers is no super-hero! He is just a big old, tired, hypocritical closet queen who gets his kicks by being morally righteous while being sexually purient. He is not the first, and he won't be the last. I mean, look at all the straight, married businessmen in American suburbia. I am telling you, honey!!!!!!

So congratulations to George Alan Rekers for being chosen this week's Bitch Of The Week. Now he needs to own up to all the Bette Midler concerts he has been to, his collection of Madonna records, and his secret stash of fishnets and panties.

Believe me, I KNOW, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Night On The Aisle, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, tonight we are off to the Great White Way to see the Tony nominated musical "Memphis," which I have been hearing is quite something, so we shall see. Too bad I don't have my pearls with me, but this is NOT an opening. Just a gathering of Girls (read:theater queens) on the town!!!!! I hear things are still chilly over at "Promises, Promises" and not so fuzzy and warm at "The Addams Family." Where are the classics when we need them, darling.

Speaking of classics, this girl has a date Saturday night. I mean, do you know how long it has been? I cannot remember. What designer should I wear? And the moisturizer???? A couple of Bloody Marys and I will feel just like Tallulah! The vibes have been promising on this one, loves, so let me tell you, we are hoping. Just pray for my health to hold out--no migraine or upset stomach.

And pray things can continue as they do, career wise. My public needs me, girls, and I have to serve them. So we shall see. Meanwhile, I have to powder my nose, grab a bite, and dsah off to the aisle!!!!!

Toodles, girls!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Darlings, You Do NOT Want To Be Backstage At "Promises, Promises!" Tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, the Tony nominations were announced this morning, and once again I did not get one, continuuing my long, ongoing battle with the Tony nominating committee. For what I do and have done at The Drama Desk I should get an award, because performing there is like doing marathon sessions of "August:Osage County." I am telling you!!!

But that is NOTHING compared to what the stage manager is going to have to deal with tonight at "Promises, Promieses!" For Sean Hayes, and Katie Finearan, who is playing the Marian Mercer part, and garnered all the rave notices away from Miss Kristin Chenowith, has outstipped Krisitn by landing a Tony nod--whereas Kristin did NOT. Catfight! Bitchfest! Do NOT even go near that place tonight, girls!

It is really time for Kristin to wise up. This is her death knelll, the signal that she is THROUGH on Broadway!!!!! She can't hold a candle to a genius like Audra McDonald, and that perky act cannot last forever! Hell, it is not even right for the show she is in, and she knows it. But Little Miss Broadway Piglet wants the money!!!!!!

Now, don't get me wrong, darlings! I may be a bitch, but I really have nothing against Kristin. She is talented enough, but not stellar; she is overrated.
But I am staying out of the theater district tonight, because if you think there was trouble on Saturday night with the alledged terrorist, it will be nothing compared to the Wrath of Kristin!!!!!!

In the meantime, lambs, I have had a genuine bite from Maybe it will mean just coffee, but at least it is a start. I have a phone number, and will make that call this evening. I will report on it every step of the way, darlings, and if there IS a wedding you will get a full report!!!!!!

Meantime, I have to start lobbying for next year when maybe I WILL finally get a Tony nomination!!!!!

Lots of luck to all the nominees. Who would have thought Scarlet Johnannsen would have been among them!

See you on the aisle, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Darlings, You Have To See It To Believe It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am talking about "The Human Centipede," now at the IFC, which is sure to be one of the film highlights of this year. Picture this--a rainstorm, two scantily clad young girls, in heels, arrive at a house, dripping wet, clothes clinging--hey, you would have to go back to Roger Corman for this. The mad German scientist, the homeliest guy you can imagine says "I don't like humans." He wants to turn his imprisoned specimens into a human centipede, conencted by mouth to anus. I am telling you, girls, when the shit scene comes--look out!!!! This will be the hit of the Fringe Festival when it is turned into a musical in a few years! I guarantee it!!!!!

Had a lovely eve at Dignity last night, although my target was not there. Oh, well there is next week. Tonight, Harvey is the hottest ticket in town, and we are all trouncing down to 23rd Street to hear him. Wednesday I am seeing "Memphis," so the week is lining up for a full one!!!

Poor Lynn Redgrave. Just saw her recently at Paper Mill--who would have thought? A great, talented actress. How sad.

So let's drink a Bloody Mary and more to Lynn! And, darlings, youh haev GOT to see "The Human Centipede." Wait till you see the scene on the front lawn!!!!

Just FABULOUS, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Darlings, Tra La It's May!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, I HOPE when you got out of bed this morning, you reached for your CD of the Original Cast Recording of "Camelot" and played Julie Andrews' (circa 1960, a whole half century, loves!) flawless rednition of "The Lusty Month Of May." May is the month that tells us the year is moving along--I reach my half birthday, flowers bloom--everything but my love life, girls. These trolls on seem to still want Titan Media models OR 1980s style twinkies like those who used to grace the cover of the now defunct IN TOUCH magazine. Me, I just want a real man to cuddle up to, go to events with, and...ummmm.., those quiet evenings at home. Imagine curling up on the couch and watching "Rosemary's Baby." We would be SO snug and cozy--just like the Castevets, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, if I WAS like the Castevets, I would cast a spell to drive someone to me. But no power there. So I must be content with looking FABULOUS, while getting through the work day, maybe a Bloody Mary tonight or tomorrow, a meal this eve, and sometime I HAVE GOT to see "The Human Centipede," this sick art film about a scientist who wants to turn people into said title. Darling, this could be the campiest thing since "Sssssssss......" or it could be, like the critics said, as grizzly as "Audiition." Personally, I think it is somewhere in between. But I will be sure to report on it loves, as well as repot on love if indeed I ever get any!!!!

There is still tomorrow at Dignity and if I am lucky enough to have said person there next eve, I am going to STRIKE. It should be interesting girls, so stay tuned!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, you ALL are as fabulous as I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!