Darlings, What Is It About Anguished Spinsters!!!!!!!

You may not believe this, girls, but I used to call myself a spinster. And not just a spinster, one who, as I believed at one time all spinsters must, "be grateful to whatever crumbs are thrown to them for life." Somewhere between this life stage and when I crossed the threshold of 40, I said fuck that, it is time to get about. And I haven't stopped. No, loves, I don't have a HUSSSSSSSSSBAAAAAAAAND!, but I am working on it.

But the anguished spinster continues to fascinate, and I want to call you attention to two great examples. Right now, lambs, I happen to be rereading the Ray Bradbury classic "Something Wicked This Way Comes," of which I have vivid memories of my one and only viewing of the 1983 Disney (can you believe it?) movie. As soon as I happened upon Miss Foley, the spinster schoolteacher, I recalled that the great character actress, Mary Grace Canfield, who will always be remembered as Ralph The Plummer on "Green Acres", played the spinster Miss Foley in the movie, and seldom in so short a time has the anguish of spinsterhood--which I recall, darlings!--been represented. A younger actress, Sharan Lea, played Young Miss Foley, whom the spinster wanted to be, feeling, as all spinsters do, that the parade has passed her by, and if she could just be young and beautiful again she could have a second chance. But as this story proves, there are NO second chances, and prices must be paid.........

In a similar vein there is Nettie Cobb in "Needful Things", played by the great Amanda Plummer. Nettie's solace from loneliness is her Rotweiler, Raider, and when he is murdered, and found hanging and mutilated in her closet, the spinster goes off her bird, and honey, she grabs a butcher knife and heads over to her arch enemy, Wilma Jercyzk (ie; Jerk, get it?) played by Shane Meier, as a goddamn beans n' franks lesbian, and don't we all know about those, girls. Wilma, in the meantime, has had her house vandalized, and is dead certain Nettie did it, which has her reaching for her butcher knife. Nettie gets there first, and Amanda, at her most Plummerish, says "You killed my doggy, bitch!" YEAH!!!!!! Then Wilma says menacingly, like one of the girls at Henrietta Hudson's on Saturday night here in New York, "Come on, you bitch!" And what a bitchfest takes place--when the two go flying out the window, it is a classic1 Nettie may be a spinster, but when spinsters are deprived, they are NOT to be messed with! And let me tell you something, darlings--this sequence I just described is on YouTube, and let me tell you it SO cathartic. After watching it, I felt so mellowed out that I am ready to face the rest of my day.

Girls, we just love those anguished spinsters. And so does American literature and culture---from Faulkner, to Capote, to Harper Lee, to Tennesse Williams, on up to the ones I have describec, and I am sure there will be others. But special kudos to Mary Grace and Amanda for delineating their characters so superbly.

Now, what can I delineate, girls? Maybe a beef bourgenon, and a sit down dinner with a husband? Honey, stay tuned, but let me tell you, I will not be priced out the way Miss Foley was!!!!!!!

See you at The Pierre, sometime, girls, in my Vera Wang gown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!