Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Darlings, We LOVE Tracy Pollan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since she played Harper Anderson in the "Closure" episodes of "Law And Order SVU," Tracy has been the one to watch. Harper Anderson was a woman who took charge of her life--she got raped, the system screwed her, so she took action herself--taking shooting classes, posting pics of her rapist in his neighborhood, smakshing the dashboard of his car--good for Harper! I say if you do not get justice--FIGHT BACK!!!!!!!

So we were thrilled to see Tracy was back on "Law And Order--" but this time on "Criminal Intent." Sure, she was tough as nails (which is why we love her!!!!) but she played Patricia Caruso, who was as different from Harper as you could get--an invulnerable no-nonsense bitch who would step over anyone to advance her careeer--how many of those do we know, girls? and how far has it gotten them???-- who murders her daughter's sex partner, who just happens to ber editor, and is bummed out that her daughter is a better writer than she. Or that the editor used the same pitch on the daughter that he did ten years ago on her. You almost can't blame Patricia for knocking him off, espeically when it is Tracy playing her, and nobody knocks them off, like Tracy!!!!!!!!! Hell, I would hire her for a contract killing if I needed to!!!!!!!!! She should work for Anna Wintour. Anna would probably quake in her boots!!!!!!!!!

Tracy is welcome anytime on "Law and Order" no matter what she does, but girls, we want her to come back as Harper!!!! We miss Harper!!!!!!!!!!! What should happen now is Harper should come back as a Victim Advocate and work with the SVU team. Honey, she is as least as tough as Chris Noth--probably tougher!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here is to more of Tracy on "Law and Order." I would LOVE to see her cream that serial killer bitch, Jenny Brandt--which means a return for Hallee Hirsch, too!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you take cream with your tea, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Want To Be The Anti-Glenn Beck!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, it may sound like a rant but the whole Barnes and Noble closing thing has The Raving Queen so riled up I would like to hold a rally in front of the Lincoln Center B and N to protest the dumbing down of America, which, from the reception Mr. Beck's rally got, is what this nation is turning into--a nation of dummies!!!!!!!

Glenn Beck, girls, is the kind of American I MOST despise--a heterosexist suburban nut who espouses corporate capitalist greed, technology over art--you know the kind of right wing junk my ultrra conservative blue collar relatives (whom I still have bitter resentment towards, so how do you like that, you bitches???) tried to shove down my throat, and now their dumb right wing children, and those children's children are espousing the same right wing crap!!!!!!!!! It has to come to an end.

Thank God for fashion and free thinkers, like me. At least we still have Freedom of Speech, like this blog, but if the Tea Party has its way, we will not even have that. We will all have to espouse company policy like robots.

Lambs, it is time to fight back!!!!! Stand up for education, literature, classic art, Anna Wintour, and the right to be heard. Down with coporate America, capitalist greed, beans n'frank lesbians, vicious opera queens, and non-insightful gay men--which is aking a lot from a group that prides itself on being such. Oh, I am SO sorry, darlings, am I going to get shot for this??? You know where I will fire, boys???? Right between your nuts!!!!!!!!!!

Hell, maybe I should stand on a soap box, at the LGBT Center and voice this, or post this all over town, like Harper Anderson did those pics of serial rapist Kenneth Cleary. Good for her in gunning him down!!!! Gun down all the right wing men and burn the women like the Salem witches they are!!!!!!!

And you thought I was apolitcal, darlings? You thought I don't care about soical injustice????? Just because it is important that I wear designer garb to protest does NOT mean I care any less. Do you think ANNA would wear Kmart to Fashion Week!!!!! EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Down with Beckism! Death to the capitalist, corporate, suburban structure in this country!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, darlings, I have to run to tea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today Is A Day Of "Freedom", Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And no, girls, I am not talking about Richie Havens and Woodstock. I am talking about this being the publication date of Jonathan Franzen's eagerly awaited novel. Now, because I am The Raving Queen, I got my copy a little sooner than most, but let me tell you, the opening sentence is a stunner. I cannot tell you more, as I have not read the rest; I have to finish the new David Mitchell book before I hunker down with Jonathan Franzen. But hunker down I will.

If only I had the time, girls. I mean, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan sure do, since they will probably be cell mates. Of course, these gals were not exactly high SAT scorers--they scored big on coke, and I don't mean cola--so I doubt if reading Jonathan Franzen is within their ken. Hell, they might not be up to the sophisticated level of the Madeline books.

Which begs me to ask, dolls, who is? I mean, with the Lincoln Center Barnes and Noble closing, this is a great signifier of the further dumbing donw of America, which is reducing us to a baselss, capitalist nation, glutterd on button technology and a blue collar mentality, like some of my right wing relatives. Is the entire world becoming right wing? Are free thinkers such as myself or Franzen going to be consigned to prison camps. Let me tell you, darling, remember the then SURPRISE ending of the original, 1968, "Planet Of The Apes," when Charlton Heston was still hot looking, and showed his butt???? This is exactly the beginning of how that ending was achieved. And let me tell you, lambs, you do NOT want to be surprised that way. I mean, Roddy McDowall as an ape was so UGLY!!!!!!!!!!

So say "Fuck You!" to Glenn Beck and "Right On!" to Jonathan Franzen, and march into your bookstore and buy a copy of "Freedom" to free you from the intellectual isolation society would have us perpetuate on ourselves. I know my girls, and they will follow suit!!!!

But not without the proper outfit and heels, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Darlings, This Is Jonathan Franzen Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, the mud doesn't stop slinging when it comes to Jonathan Franzen. Newsweek has gotten into the same act as Mesdames Weiner and Picoult, by declaring him, basically a pretentious, elitist snob (which The Raving Queen happens to be, girls, and damn proud of it), for one reason that he considered the Tony award-winning musical, "Spring Awakening" a bastardization of the play. Well, duh, that is a no-brainer-it WAS and it IS. Too many Americans are so damn dumb they do not appreciate genius, and, like those in the Emperor's New Clothes, cannot see the truth when it stares them in the face. What is it that Franzen cannot write something without people getting all worked up about it. People just resent those who are smarter than others, and Franzen is far superior to most members of his generation,which means he is on a par with MOI, darlings.

Did you know that his classic "The Corrections" was published the week of 9/11. Now, no one who died in that tragic incident deserved it, BUT Franzen has been taken to task by some for actually opining, girls, that modern, free-market capitalism is a cause of evil in America. Well, duh, that strikes me as a no-brainer, too. However suddenly hitherto liberals are reduced to the rhetoric of tea paty-ers. Has anyone stopped to consider that the reason 9/11 happened was because when the World Trade Center was built in 1973 it went on to become a monument to American corporate greed, so that, in a snese, we as a nation were philosophically asking for terrorists to attack us by tooting our horn too much???? Has this occured to anyone?
It has to me, and I am sure it has to Franzen, and God forbid we should state this or otherwise we will be shot by both left and right. To all of these self-righteous hypocrites and Franzen dergoators, I say--FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, girls, not since "Gone With The Wind," or the final Harry Potter, has such a book been awaited. Tonight I am traispisng down to Three Lives after work, to meet the lovely Monsieur Davide, and if I can shake my chassie to get a copy, you better believe I will, while comforting Monsieur Davide for his ill mannered Uncle Ernest, who hasn't learned (and probably never will) that to get treated nicely, you have to treat others that way.

You can bet we are all ready here to treat Franzenn nicely. To think, that a serious, literary event has knocked Paris Hilton and her drug arrest off the pages of this blog. Perhaps there is hope for America yet. Meantime, loves, I hope for success for all of you in obtaining a copy of the NEW JONATHAN FRANZEN, which is entitled "Freedom!" Amen to Jesus! Sometimes I feel like a Motherless child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love to all my children, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Darlings, Just Some Loose Odds And Ends!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With all that has been going on, girls, did I mention that last Saturday eve, Monsieur Davide and I saw "Viagra Falls?" In tandem with "Piranha 3D," this was the second piece of trash consecutively consumed. The irony is that, next to the play, the film turned out to be more on the level of Noel Coward--it at least evidenced some wit!!!!!!!

"Viagara Falls" should never have been produced beyond a suburban neighbor's garage. It is like a ver risque, EXTREMELY bad sketch from "Love, American Style," stretched out to an agonizing 90 minutes. And NO INTERMISSION, leaving the captive audience unable to run out of the theater, which, believe me, lambs, is what I wanted to do. No such luck. I understand that when produced elsewhere, it DID have an intermission. Shall we place bets on how large an audience returned?

The play, which is allegedly set in Sunnyside, Queens, but looks as generic as the Bates Motel, concerns two old coots, one of whom is played by co-author Lou Cottell, whom I am told played something called "the Ass Man" on "Seinfeld. Honey, we are not talking Olivier here. His cohort is Bernie Koppell, who used to be the doctor on "The Love Boat," and, girls, you should see what time has done to him. I barely recognized him. Wanting some kind of geriatric fling, they pop viagra pills, and hire a prostitute, whose cliche ridden, heart-of-gold, back-to -school character (shades of "She's Working Her Way Through College") is from another theatrical era as well. But I don't blame the actress; I blame the writers, one of whom, unfortunately, is on the stage. Is it directed? I don't think so, because a climactic moment that should strike with poiognance drew a shrug of puzzlement from me. But the capper, lambs, came at the end, when it was announced the actors wanted to meet and speak with audience members, afterwards. You could not get me out of there FAST enough!!!!!!!! And this thing has been running for a month!!!! At what cost is anyone's guess, but the ultimate price paid by anyone who sees it is the mental stability of any serious theatergoer!!!! Let me mention, darlings, that Monsieur Davide and I saw it for FREE, which, coupled with No Intermission, is the only reason we stayed. To my girls who have NOT seen this, I say--SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, another, beautiful, non-work Saturday for me is herem though let me tell you, loves, if you think turning out this blog is NOT work, think again!!!!!
Then I have to finish "The Charterhouse Of Parma," start the new David Mitchell book, scout stores for the new Franzen, rest, get ready for an evening where the Cherub meets Monsieur Davide, and then get up to visit Monsieur Davide's lovably eccentric, if not eccentrically lovable, Uncle Ernest. Believe me, eccentrics cotton to me, and often I to them, so you we may just hit it off!!! On the other hand, from what I have been told, Uncle Ernest and I just might get into a foot stomping contest, while yelling at each other, "I won;t, and you can't make me!!!!! I'm not afraid of you," like Bette Davis in 'Baby Jane'!!!!! Two Janes in one room, dolls, it could be interesting!!!!! Stay tuned here, for further details.

Details also include rest, because Iam emotionally exhausted from work, hosting my book club, which was a smashing success in spite of the ironically chilly and blustery weather, fear of going to the dentist, and dealing with evil lesbians, my own crazy relatives, both living and not, and the coming of ANNA to Lincoln Center for Fashion Week!!!! Do you think I have enough on my plate, lambs?????
Do I need anything more!!!!! I don't think so, though from the way I have described things, I just may end up having Ruth gordon as Minnie Castevet knocking on my door!!!!

Make sure you check your keyhole before you answer, girls!!!!! I always do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Darlings, This Is A Salient Fact!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, gilrs, some of you may not be ready to face this truth, but it IS time to do so, in light of a recent expereince I am about to report. I am talking about how people age, and whether or not they do it well. With complete certainity, and not just because I am SO fabulous, darlings, I can tell you with certainity-- GAY men age better than STRAIGHT men.

This was brought home by someone I spotted on the Internet, namely a classmate from that horrifc high school experience named David Clewell. Now, David and I never had any issues, or much to say to each other. The only thing I can say of David is he got chosen for the National Honor Society, and I did not. Another mystery, because while he did have the grades, beyond clerking at our local bookstore, he did not do much. He was a chubby kid, who grew into a heavy adolescent, with one predominant talent--he could write poetry. In fact, this talent has proved him well; he was published while we were still in high school, and is today a prize winning poet (a narrow lterary field at best) and the Poete Laurete of the State of Missouri. Interestingly, for someone with this specialty he is straight (too bad!) and has a wife and child. Disgusting, when you consider he lives in Jonathan Franzen country--the suburban enclave of Webster Groves.

David was a round faced child, who matured into a heavy set adolescent, not handsome or particularly homey. But, darlings, you should see him now. Both of us are 55, but, lambs, I could pass for much less. People still recognize me today. If I hadn't seen the photo identified, I would never have guessed David, though I did see it in the eyes. But if there had been no identiifier, I would not have known.

What did I see? A blowsy, white haired, disheveled, beard spectacled sort, like some old thing out in the dessert for years. For a long time, David was one of the most untraceable members of our class, and with good reason. There was even a rumor he (as well as another classmate, Greg Linville) were living as street derelicts. Spotting David's photo last week at least disproved that!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, come on!!!!! At least trim the beard, David. I am surprised your wife tolerates it, but then considering how HE looks, we have no idea how she looks. Bet she is no Roberta!!!!!!!!!!!

It just warmed the cockles of my heart to see what time has done to David. And it just proves my point--the gay men I know who have aged and are aging do it with more style and panache than these straight guys. They look better, darlings, becuause they HAVE to take care of themselves, whereas these straight boobs are stuck with their wives, who are stuck with them, who very likely look as bad as they, and would not DREAM of upsetting whatever gravy train these wives are riding!!!!! Ride this, you exploitative bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But, darling, I thank my lucky stars that I have not aged as bad as this. And I never well. Breeding and sophistication (the kind that can only come from being gay0 will win out in the end!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure we are ALL winners, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Darlings, Seek And Ye Shall Find!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, search under a rock or a peer under a crevice long enough, and sooner or later, a bitch will pop out. Lately, we have had our pick, what with that deranged college student Michael Enright attacking a cabbie in our city for being Muslim, adding further fuel to the Mosque Fires that have already been stirred, not to mention that horndog Tiger Woods, who is divorced now and will do freely what he did anyway to get himself divorced. Keep it in your pantes, pig.

And we have this week's winner, who only cropped up yesterday. I am talking about the winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award--Jennifer Weiner!!!!

Who? I can hear some of you asking. Sounds familiar, I can hear from others. We4ll, for the completely uninitiated, Jennifer Weiner is a lucratively successful pop novelist of chick lit tomes, with titles such as "Fly Away Home," "Certain Girls," "Good In Bed" (how disgusting!!!!!) and "In Her Shoes." I mean, gag me with a spoon; you could not PAY me to read such GARBAGE. But that does not mean, dears, that I am unfamiliar with the genre. Not when I have torn through no less than several of Miss Candace Bushnell's books, and those of Lauren Weisberger, she of the fabulous hair, which is one reason why she is published, and whose penchant for New York city namedropping runs a close second to MOI!!!!!!!!!!

So why is Miss Weiner, who should rate no more than a radar blip, the Bitch Of The Week???? She has the termerity--the termerity, mind you--to ATTACK Jonathan Franzen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't mean, physically, and a good thing, because Weiner, who lives in Philadelphia (and you can be sure not the Main Line) and is a hefty gal, certainly no Grace Kelly or Blythe Danner, could knock over Franzen with all the alacrity of an NFL'er. No, she is attacking Franzen on his own turf, and who does Little Missy think she is???????

It seems Miss Weiner (and cohort, Jodie Picoult, who is at least somewhat attracitve) are all bent out of shape over the prepublication attention given to Franzen's forthcoming novel, "Freedom". Their (with mostly Weiner sounding off) contention is that Franzen is a product of white Male syndrome, and that The New York Times flips out only over white Male writers with MFA's. Kiss it, doll!!!!!!!!!

What Weiner is really upset over is that she and her chick lit cohorts do not get the same, "serious" attention that a writer like Franzen gets. This, of course, amounts to shit, especially when one takes into consideration that not a single of the High Power Literary Women Out There--Jame Smiley, Joan Didion, A. S. Byatt, the Amys Hempel and Bloom, Alice Munro, Toni Morrison, Jharma Lihair, Zadie Smith, Zoe Heller, even the unstoppable (sometimes GOOD sometimes AWFUL) Joyce Carol Oates, have come out in defense of Weiner and her ridiculous claims.

She furthe adds that any number of female writers are on the same subject turf as Franzen, and she cites "Digging In America" by Ann Tyler as a prime example. Now, I have not read this one, but I have read a number of Ann Tyler's works ("St. Maybe" I consider the best) and while she does write about famileal matters with a certain amount of insight and depth, she does not venture into the realm of social criticism as Franzen does. The best to be said of Tyler is that when she is good, she is good; the worst, that she is overrated. I think Picoult mentioned Zoe Heller's "The Believers," which I actually DO want to read. On the basis of 'Notes On A Scandal', she too, seems bent on exploring relationships, which is fine, and vell done, but not a metier on HOW WE LIVE TODAY AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUE SOCIETY that Franzen specializes in. And one of the things that is wrong is that garbage like Weiner's keeps gettng produced, and people keep reading it, instead of reaching for the gold like that of Franzen and his aforementioned female colleagues.

Poor Jennifer, she makes me laugh. Missy is just a bit insecure, because her genre, which by the way, has provided her with a hefty income and lifestyle for which she should be grateful, wants her genre, and those who practice it, to be taken as seriously by The NY Times and elsewhere, as Franzen and his crowd. Baby wants to have her cake, and eat it, too! Hey, Jennifer, from the looks of things, you have been eating TOO MUCH cake; go to Weight Watchers; it's not like you cannot afford it.

As stated earlier, you could not pay me to read such garbage. It makes Tolkein seem like Tolstoy, and I have certainly read the former, though I do not go around gobbling in Middle Earth ligo like his pubescent, acne ridden male groupies.

Sweeties, we are all groupies of one sort or another, whether one lowers oneself enough to Weiner's standards, or like yours truly, is a Disciple of Franzen.

One last thing, For Weiner to attack Franzen for who and what he is would be like me, as a gay man, attcking him because he is straight. Since when did sexual orientation correlate to good literature, loves???? I don't care if a writer is gay or straight; I just care that they are GOOD. Franzen is BRILLIANT, he just happens to be the SAGE CHRONICLER OF OUR TIMES. If you want to see some real male sexist writing, read between the lines of David Denby, especially in his "Great Books" opus, wherein every other sentence he is throwing in details about his wife and children, the implication being that he may be literary, but he is a "regular guy." The further implication that men who happen to be literary are effete or gay, and he is not. Do you hear such crap from Franzen? Of course not!!!! I mean, Denise Lambert in "The Corrections" is a lesbian, and I understand in "Freedom" two guys circle around each other with a certain amount of sexual tension. I salute Franzen for this. Perhaps Mr. Denby sits at home in private beating off to the kind of garbage Weiner and her ilk write. To writers like Denby and Weiner, I say, don't beat off--JUST BEAT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now go ahead and call ME a bitch, kitties!!!!!!! As Gena Rowlands said in her classic performance in "Gloria!"--"Come on, come on, I LOVE IT!!!!!!!"

Love to all my darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Girls, I Am Warning You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, darling, I cannot reveal TOO much right now, but I am here to tell you that things are going to explode on HERE tomorrow. First, I will reveal who the Bitch Of The Week is, and once I do it is sure to kick up a storm of controversey among various social communities--the literary, and non-literary straight women and gay men. And don't let anyone tell me there aren't a lot of the last two out there--just look at the sales of the "Twilight" books. Stephanie Myer is to those communities what....oops I might be revealing too much already.

Of course I realize that actions have consequences. So all I can say is--darlings, if you do not like what you read on here tomorrow--BRING IT ON!!!!!!!! The Raving Queen will take you on, even while daring you to defy ME, which few do. Remember as a six year old child, at my grandmother's, while arguuing with my father, I ran to the pantry, came out with a broom--which at that point was bigger than I--pointed it staright at him, while theatrically calling, "Prepare to DIE!!!!" Darlings, what does say about me right there? At the very least that I refuse to back down. My schoolteachers--some of whom are pushing up daisies, ha! ha!--would verify that, and so would my therapist. As for those gay community members who will be admonished tomorrow--you queens thnik it is all one BIG party/ Only if you have the moxiwe and the social connections, loves! I mean, if you are trying to be gay in New York City, and do not know who ANNA or Diane Von Furstenberg is, you are out of here!!!!!!!!!! Finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So tune in tomorrow--I cannot say bright and early, for I am not sure what time I will be on here--when the you know what hits the fan, and the hash gets slung!!!!!!!!! So, read a book, all you Dizzy Queens! Because if you have NOT, after I am done with you tomorrow, you will wish you HAD!!!!!!!!!

Talk to you tomorrow, girls! BLAST OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Is The Debut Of The Summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, this is to welcome the arrival, at 4:30 yesterday morning, Ruby Ann, the daughter of my friend Audrey, who sailed through the whole childbirth thing, like a trouper!!!!!!! I should be so lucky, if I ever have a baby!!!!!!! And let me tell you, already this child's hair is perfect, just like Audrey. If I had given birth, you can bet my hair would not have looked as good as Audrey's did.

Darlings, this is the tiniest, most bright eyed and alert infant one could ask for. I am telling you, she is headed for Miss Porter's, and a career as an astrophysicist. Straight to M.I.T., this one!!!!!!!

I cannot wait till she starts reading. Wait till she tackles "Valley Of The Dolls!" And "The Bad Seed." Maybe Proust after that.

Dolls, I am so exicted you would have thought I had given birth!!!!! But I am not in the hospital to prove it. So we wish Audrey and Ruby Ann the happiest of wishes, and we especially wish Audrey a good rest while she is recuperating, because, sweetheart, for sure there won't be much rest after that!!!!!!!!!!

Now, if only my book club hosting duties go half as well. Talk to you soon, tots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Girls, The Suspense Is Killing Me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still no word, darlings, on whether or not Audrey has given birth, but the very notion of her being in the hospital right now...Oh, MY God, I am having contractions...tells us she is coming down the home stretch, literally, and we just cannot wait to see what the fruit of that labor will be!!!!!!!!!! One thing for certain--it will be as beautful and as brilliant as Audrey!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meantime, I have to think about hosting BookClub on Thursday, and thank God for the lovely and versatile Monsieur Davide. Even if he is having trouble getting a handle on "The Correctons," he is loved and wanted for so many other reasons that finishing the Franzen book doesn't matter. Leave the literary rapture to me, loves!!!!!!!!!!

I have som much to read before I can even tackle the Franzen, that I cannot begin to tell you. I need several days off just to curl up and do this--and then curl up eves with Monsieur Davide. But until I make a dent in my book pile it is hands off Franzen--that is, if I can keep my hands off!!!!!!!!!!

We girls have so many decisions we have to make. Like what to wear to what social engagement. And there have been a lot of those of late, so my decision making is being challenged. And of course in two more days it is time once more for Bitch Of The Week, and honest I do not have anyone in sight. That may change, but I would like to see a few candidates out there. And don't tell me Sarah Palin, girls, because she is not worthy of the honor. MY BOTWs have some intelligence and cleverness behind them; Miss Palin makes the average soccer Mom from Jersey seem like a sophisticate!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the answer for me right now is a good cream rinse. In fact, girls, why don't we go out and get one, so our hair will be shiny and fresh when we greet Audrey and the new baby!!!!!!!!!!!! But the question is still gnawing at the back of my mind--to briss, or not to briss??????????????

Cut it out, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Darlings, Only I Could Have Such A Weekend!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let met tell you, it was not enough to see two pieces of trash back to back. Yesterday, amidst pouring rain, the very loving M. Davide and I trounced out to Morris Plains, NJ and met the most charming married couple with a secret. They live with a thrid party, the party being named Linda. Now, nothing unsual so far, lambs, but Linda happens to be the husband's cross dressing alterego!!!!! And then M. Davide wonders why I cannot wait to visit his Uncle Ernest!!!!!! A charming time was had by all, but let me tell you, darlings, I am a surivivor. At one point during the luscious cucumber salad, I felt something in my mouth. I thought a tooth had chipped, or God forbid, my cap had fallen out!!!! When I poked around I found the tiniest silver sliver of glass! Needless to say, I discreetly put it on my plate, discrettly removed the food from my mouth, via napkin, and resumed the meal, albeit with no more cucumber salad. I have to admit for the next 15 hours or so I wondered if I was going to have intestinal/digretive problems. As of this moment, I think things will be OK. Remember how we behave at Miss Porter's--when faced with potential disaster we do not make a scene until the occasion warrants it. And this did not!!!!!!!

But what a week is ahead of me! This Thursday, weather permitting, I am hosting Book Club, and it is your guess as to what is going to be served--maybe even calves' foot jelly!!!!!!!!!! I had an email from Audrey on what is happening--she says she is "at the hospital" which I don't know measn if the water broke and she is in labor, or if she is waiting to have something induced. Stay tuned to find out, girls, becasue I could be going to a briss!!!!!!!!!! GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my friend of nearly 50 years, Doug, who could verify everything I have said on here about Diane, Roberta, Honor Society, Paula Weiss, and all that ilk. After being out of work for 31/2 months, he has a job, which he starts tomorrrow, and I am sure it is fabulous. I was sure he would be working at W though, but my guess is he is somewhere further downtown.

So, darlings, there is so much going on, I can hardly believe it!!!!!!!!! What am I going to wear to all these social events?????? Get Diane Von Furstenberg on the phone immediately!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I am telling you--New Jersey, even though I grew up there, is stranger than I ever thought!!!!!!!!!! Watch out for panties, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Darlings, The NHS Is Not What It Is Cracked Up To Be!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, while going through that horror which comes to be known as high school, the National Honor Society was a goal yours truly surely had, and by rights was eligible for. Of course, I was passed over in favor of Diane, Roberta, and that ilk,and this has been a lasting scar.

Well, a recent news story brings home the sad fact that just one is chosen to
this august organization, it does not mean a bright future. To which I offer you
Philip Markoff.

Mr. Markoff, awhile back, was the handsome, pretentiously straight, medical student, engaged to be married to wholesome Megan McCallister of Little Silver, NJ, and you better believe we know that place, loves!!!!!!!! He was bright, disgustingly All American, and had been a member of the NHS.

Last week, while imprisoned, Mr. Markoff took his life. In April of 2009, he went to a hotel room, had sex with, roughed up, then murdered Julissa Brissman. Now, maybe Julissa was not pure, but she did not deserve this. The naiive Megan at
first stood by herman, then came to her senses, and broke off their engagement. So
narcissist supreme Philip sends a message by writng Megan's name in blood on the wall, and offing himself. But make no mistake, lambs--the message given here is not about thwarted romantic love, it is a twofold one of cowardice over facing trial, and of course Markoff's own personal mantra, which is--IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, you are wrong, Phil doll! It is more than about you, and here at The Raving Queen it is about MOI, darling!!!!! So the message, girls , is that the NHS does not guarantee you a stellar life!!!! Some of us are better than, and go on to do, greater things, than those who made this glorified Popularity Contest!!!!!!!!!! Not that I don't still have my resentments. But it took a news story of this magnitude to make me see the light!!!!!!!!

Hey, Phil, you thought you were so hot? I bet it is pretty hot where you are right now!!!!!!!!!

Let's all go cool off, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, It Is The Laugh Riot Of The Summer!!!!!!!!

Yesterday, girls, in addition to being Amy Adams' birthday, was the opening of this summer's best kept secret comedy hit--"Piranha 3D!" This is actually a remake of Joe Dante's 1978 cheesy "Jaws" spoof, which I did not even see. But since it has been more famine than feast this summer at the movies, I RAN to this yesterday!!!

Dolls, what a hoot! It should have been a musical. More food colored blood in the water than you would bake a Red Velvet cake with, more shaking booties and boobies, I swear than Russ Meyer, great art direction, set design, and the cutest little (chomp! chomp!) piranhas!!!!!!!! And how the mighty have fallen, or how hard times are in Hollywood, what with the likes of Elizabeth Shue, Christopher Lloyd, and Richard Dreyfuss in this fun filled mess, all of whom invest more professional energy into this than warranted. Too bad they are upstaged by booties,
boobies, and piranhas!!!!!!!

And speaking as The Raving Queen, I demand equal opportunity!!!!! Why not some nice male butt shots, and pecs???????????? I mean, God forbid gay men should
be regarded as some sort of valid demographic. And some of the guys in here look
potentially graphic to me, but we see more of the piranhas than we do of male flesh.
Covering themselves like a bunch of nuns; I mean, come on! But the flying torso,
and floating penis, which gets regurgitated by a piranha, has to be seen to be

I wonder how many actors passed on this classic. Now, I wouldn't, lambs,
because, as you know, it could be great fun, and a girl has to work; not to mention it would provide great material for this blog!!!!!!! I bet Meryl sent the script
back, with the gentle admonishment, "Are you kidding?" I am certain Amy Adams replied, "Honey, I just had a baby: leave me alone!" I bet Maggie Gyllenhaal told
her brother, "Don't even THINK of doing this crap!" and that was that!!!!

And poor Monsieur Davide. Had I known how he would react, I would never have
brought him to this film. I mean, I thought it was fun, and a hoot! HE was clinging to me so much I thought he was going to rip off my designer shirt; God forbid!!!!!!!!!! I guess the fishies were too much. Like a bunch of man hating,
cigar chewing lesbians at Henrietta"s; come to think if it, the fishies should go there, because with all that FAT, they could really chow down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we had a fun time, girls! What a way to start the weekend!!!!

Hope the fun continures for us all, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Darlings, This Day Should Have Been Declared A National Holdiay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, girls, do you know what day this is? It happens to be the birthday of the Radiant, the Most Enchanting, Miss Amy Adams!!!!!!!!! That is right, darlings, Miss Adams turns 36, today, and I should look so good when I turn 36, lambs. She has that good looking fiance and she has a beautiful baby daughter, so her BIG birthday gift has been received already. But that does not stop The Raving Queen from sending hugs, and kisses, and tea with white gloves, and wishes for happiness!!!!!!!

Speaking of babies, Audrey is down to the wire, and we are all wondering when things are going to go. Every time there is a new email, or the phone rings, I expect to hear. And you know I will be having contractions, darling, and they will have to wheel me in on a gurney, as I give emotional birth, with the lovely Monsieur Davide leaning over me, quietly and gently asking, "Sweetheart, how did you get us into this?"

But not to fear; I still have my Stendahl and he will take care of me for the weekend, or at least for tomorrow. What a quandry we are in about "A Little Night Music." Here is Bernadette perfecting Desiree, with people saying it a MUST for serious theatergoers, but how can I, who saw the ORIGINAL production, darlings, justify this? Nothing against Bernadette, who I am sure is the best Desiree we have had since Glynis Johns, BUT the production is second rate, the costumes do not look that stunning, and the orchestra is skimpy. So you are paying three figures for a great moment towards the end of the Second Act???? I am sorry, dolls, I want more!!!!!! Now, if someone wants to comp me in, I have NO objections, darling. Same if you want to buy me a mink coat, or a house on Great Neck. Go ahead, I say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bur go ahead and light a candle and eat some cake in celebration of Amy.
Miss Adams is adored by all, and we salute her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And if you do, I will light a candle for you, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Darlings, It Was No Contest This Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, after reading Tuesday's entry, it should come as no surprise that this week's winner of The Raving Queen's Bitch Of The Week Award is that ficittious child serial killr, Jenny Brandt.

Now, we don't exactly love Jenny, as she is not a hoot, like Rhoda, but we LOVE the brilliance with which actress Hallie Hirch plays her.

What can I add from Tuesday? This kid needs to be kept under wraps. And, as with Rhoda, just wait till those hormones kick in--not only may the killings accelerate, but so will the reasons for them.

In Rhoda's cae, we learned her notorious grandmother, Bessie Denker, though she went through the motions of having children, did away with them at her convenience. The same could potentially be said of Jenny, when she reaches that stage.

And as I have said, it would be great if Hallee, though now a young adult, made a return apprearance as the now young adult Jenny. What has she been uo to? And how many strange, unsolved killings out there might be attributed to her. And I am sure Hallee would do an equally great job, especially if pitted against someone on Jenny's level; ie; Take No Crap Vigilante, Harper Anderson, superbly played by Tracy Pollan. What a bitchfest that would be, darlings, I can just see those two going at each other! Harper would cream her!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny is probably the most nightmarish BOTW we have had! For that distinction alone, she would be honored. But while it might be fun to match wits with some BOTW's of the past, I can tell you, you do not want to mix with Jenny, especially if you are of the male persuasion. And I am sure she could see through all you drag queens!!!!!!!!!!

So here's to this week's bitch, Jenny Brandt! And here is to Hallee Hirch making a return appearance on SVU in her singnature role!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love you all, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Darlings, I Scored Ninety Per Cent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, as any of you already know, such an accomplishment is nothing unsual for me, having been educated alongside Diane and Roberta during my formative years, every bit as brilliant as they, though they got all the attentnion and I did not!

Well, while they now rot in Suburbia, who's getting the attentnion now, dolls?

Following on the heels of Hallee Hirsh as Jenny Brandt in "Killerz" I discovered a test online callled "Can You Spot A Serial Killer?" Of course, I just had to try, and wouldn't you know I scored so high?????? Now some may say, "What, you did not get 100%?" Honey, I am glad I didn't, because I think then that would mean that I AM a serial killer. Or at least have the potential for being one. Which I do not.

I mean, last night, with the Girls at the Malibu, I gave the cashier a $20 bill, and she gave me back $15 in change. My meal was $14. Now, if I were evil, I would instantly have pocketed this, and the poor thing would have gotten into some kind of job trouble. But instinctually I instantly said, "You gave me too much back."

See how sweet I am, lambs??????????

Now just because I can spot a serial killer does not mean I am agressively searching for one. But it does mean that if I see anything or anyone unsual, believe me, I AM aware of it. I attirbute my high score to my work experience and
personal interactions of the past. You better believe it, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, I need to meet M. Davide this eve for some TLC and relaxation. I have my Stendahl, darlings, and that is NOT a sex toy!!!!!!!! Now I just need a Frozen Margarita and kick back my heels without this goddamn girdle!!!!!!!!!!!

And as I do all this, let's see how high you score, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Well, Girls, We Saw It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am talking about the 1999 "Law and Order" episode "Killerz", featuring Hallee Hirsh's breakthrough performance as child serial killer Jenny Brandt. Let me start by saying it justified all I had heard about it, and that Jenny Brandt, the fictitious character, is looking real good right now for The Raving Queen's BOTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It puzzled me initially why this episode was entitled "Killerz", with a z. The first reason to occur was its spelling out the perps were juvies. But I think there is a far more insightful reason. It is entitled such because it taps into the potential evil of many children.

The story starts with a group of pre-teen boys finding a child's body--an eight year old boy--sticking out of a drain pipe at a construction site. He has been bludgeoned, and his pants have been pulled down, suggestion sexual congress. The boys are fascinated and excited, BUT THEN one of the boys gets the idea to charge admission to others for the "privlege" of viewing this poor victim's body. How sick is that, darlings??????????

A local mechanic is susepected, but dismissed for lack of evidence. Then it is learnt that when the vicitm, Aaron Polanksy, left his apartment building, two girls were standing outside, as though waiting for him. One of those girls, Tara Padden, is brought in for questioning, and that is when we first learn about Jenny.
But first let me say that actress Madeline Blue's performance as Tara blew me away. Tara is an emotionally, intellectually dysfunctional 13-year-old, who has repeated sixth grade twice. Honey, it is bad enough going through it once. Hope she doesn't have to repeat high school. I mean, if I had, I MIGHT have killed someone!!!!!! It seems that Tara hangs out with Jenny, and she (Tara) has something to hide. It turns out she and Jenny walked with Aaron to the construciton site, where, Tara tearfully confesses, Jenny bashed him repeatedly with a rock until he was dead, removed his pants, and stuck a battery in his mouth. Yes, lambs, this IS based on the James Bulger case. And child serial killer Mary Bell, who is now an adult and out and about, only don't get me started.

No wonder Tara was scared and hiding. She probably had no idea of what Jenny would do, and when it happened, went into shock. And Jenny, a real pro, no doubt said something to the effect that if Tara tells she would kill her. I know how these twisted things work, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now it is time to meet Jenny and her Mom. Both superbly played by Miss Hirch and Luba Mason. On first site Jenny is so cute, you almost think....but then you look into those eyes and see the evil bitch beneath. Her mother, oh brother, like something from Goat Alley, only in Manhattan--oblivious, co-dependent on her daughter, a husband in prison for grand auto theft, and a boyfriend as soon as he is out the door, who thinks nothing of leaving doors open for Jenny to see all kinds of things she should not see. So we can see where Jenny's hatred of the male gender comes from.

As for her mother, why don't women like this do themselves and society a favor and get their tubes tied? They are trouble, they look for and find it, and then inflict trouble on society via their progeny. True, if not a killer, Jenny might have turned out at best White Trash, but then there is her twisted brain chemistry. One crticism I have of this episode is that it piles on the family dysfunction too heavily, implying that Jenny Brandts come from the lower social orders. I mean, honey, look at Daphne Abdela, remember her? She was the 15-year-old who, with her friend Christopher Velasquez, murdered Michael McMorrow in Central Park in 1997 for the thrill of it. Her reasoning--"He's a fatty. He'll sink." Nice, Daphne. And her parents were Central Park Westers, so let me be the first to say, twisted brain serial killer chemistry knows no social class boundaries. However, this is the history the writers have concocted for Jenny Brandt, so we have to go with it. What I want to know is--even in 1999, how do scum like the Brandts get an apartment in Manhattan???? Huh???? I mean, they don't exactly hang out with Blythe Danner!!!!!!!!!!

Back to matters at hand. Jenny is brought in and examined by Dr. Emil Skola, played by the wonderful J.T.Simmons, who was so superb as Ellen Page's father in "Juno." He questions Jenny, who displays absolutely no emotional level of any kind, even when talking about dissing a neighbor's cat (the sure sign of a budding serial killer), and who, when Skola turns up the heat on her be feigning anger, barely bats an eye. Cool as ice, this one!

But Carolyn McCormick, as the wonderful Dr. Elizabeth Olivett, and who worked for the D.A. at one time, is now in her private practice, and while with the D.A. she is talking about change, and hope and giving the child a future, rather than saving society from the monster that Jenny clearly is. Yeah, that's right!

The further the investigators probe, the more things point to Jenny. Neighborhood boys--her contemporaries--say they do not like playing with her, because "she hits." Aha! Her teenage babysitter says she was horrible to sit for, because if Jenny did not get what she watned, she would act up so much it was disturbing. Lucky the sitter was a girl, or Jenny would proabably have iced her!!!!!!!!!

It all comes to a showdown betwen Sam Waterson as Jack McCoy, stating Jenny is a mosnter who should be put away, and rightfully so, and everyone is, who sees this cute little girl and thinks she deserves a second chance. Never mind, girls, that this is a child who killed ANOTHER CHILD. And the always observant M. Davide, who watched this with me, pointed out that this case had a lot of gender bias--the defense attorney was female, the judge was female, Olivett was in Jenny's corner--thoe only woman who has Jenny's number is powerhouse A D A Abbie Carmichael, played by the stunning Angie Harmon. This is one cookie who will not crack under Jenny!!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, even though it has been almost 50 years since "The Bad Seed," apparently adults cannot fathom the concept of innocent looking children committing murder or being confined. But this episode saves the best for last. As it becomes clear, that Jenny is going to walk scott free, an evil smirk comes over her face, which only we the viewer see. And then as McCoy is walking out of court he sees , to his horror, Jenny, conspiculously eyeing another boy in the hall, with the malevolence suggesting if he is not going to be her next victim, there will definitely BE a next victim. The justice system failed Jenny Brandt and it failed the people in protecting them from her.

Now, before you start thinking that I am going to say Jenny reperesnts Diane Dykeman, let me say at once, NO! Diane Dykeman was simply your garden variety Suburban Bitch; she was not a serial killer. But when I reached back into my past, I remember a little girl who DID remind me of Jenny, and that was Miriam Wysoker!!!!!

The Wysokers were related to my then next door neighbors, the Friedenreichs; she was Victoria Wysoker before she got married. The Wysokers lived in a gray barn shaped house on the corner of North Eighth Avenue and Abbott Street, and had three children, Rachel, who was two years behind me, Alex, behind her, and Miriam, who when I was in ninth grade, was a little girl, about Jenny's age or younger. She used to go around and say the nastiest things to people--each time she would pass me, she would say how ugly I was, or mockingly sing "Rudolph, The Red Nose Reindeer." I do NOT forget, honeys!!!!!! If you confronted Miriam, she would attack you; I spoke admonsihingly to her once and she kicked me. Hard. Definitely a Jenny Brandt on the make. Later, as she disappeared from my scene, I heard that she was having all kinds of problems in school. Uhm hummm!!!!!!! I have to wonder what became of Miriam today, because children like shs and Jenny do not change, they only get worse!!!!! Jenny should have been locked up, and probably so should have Miriam!!!!!

But I am telling you, this was SOME episode for crystalizing evil in its purest, most distinct form. Girls, I want you to keep meeting VOGUE models and stay away from the Jenny Brandts of this world. Or call me, because I can take care of these creatures real good! So in the meantime, we are going to watch a musical to get this unpleasantness out of our system.

However, Hallee's performance as Jenny is worth catching at least once!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Do Not Mess With Mamma Meryl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, girls, I am talking about the Divine One, Miss Meryl Streep. The word on the street is that her daughter, Mamie Gummer, appearing in the soon to be on Broadway musical "Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson" is dating one of the cast members, and I am sure there has been lots of Girl Talk from Mamma to daughter on how to behave, because you can be sure Madame Meryl is not going to have one of her chicklets turn out like Lindsay Lohan. And sweethearts, as one who has done theater, let me tell you Miss Mamie had better concentrate on her performance and not backstage (or any other kind) of sex, because let me tell you nothing else ruins a performance more. Which is why though I am pure and chaste at all times, I am especially so within the confines of a theater, be it as an audience member or a performer/techie. The theater is a temple, darlings, and I worship there. When I am doing a role, loves, I arrive two hours before showtime so I can change leisurely and slowly get into character. Imagine if I were playing "The Bad Seed!" That would be SOME transition, darling!!!!!!!!! And you know when Meryl enters such premises, things part in her way like the Red Sea, and she is all about Getting Ready For The Performance!!!!!!! So Mamie better take some cues from her. I mean, her first big show, and she falls for some MAN????? Mamma Meryl had better take Mamie in hand, and straighten her out!!!!!!!! Do you think I ever fell for a MAN, girls, because I was working on a show???? Absolutely not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Miss Mamie had better watch herself, because she is right now on one slippery slope. And let me tell you, I have a suspicion that this guy's intentions are not that honorable. Again, the word on the street--and you know I get out, honey--is that subsequently, this date in question got himself an auditon for the latest "X-Men" movie. Personally, I would never audition for such shit, which is one reason why my acting career is where it is, and I am sure said boyfriend is not trying out for some lead part, but the facts are--he is dating Mamie, she is Meryl's daughter, and he got an audition???? Do I have to spell it out, Lambs????? Before you can say, in this case, "All About Steve," I am certain this guy is springboarding Mamie and her Meryl connection for his own career advancement. You know what you can do with that, honey??? Let's see how far this career goes after Mamie wises up, which, thanks to Meryl she will. At least Gwyneth ened up with and established rocker, who certainly was not launching on to the coattails of Blythe Danner!!!!!! But it sounds like someone is trying to ride the Gravy Train via La Streep!!!!!!! Well, can it, Stanley, because before you know it you are going to find yourself out in that alley. Mamie is no Lindsay, and you had better watch out!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful, girls, if we all had Meryl to give us such advice??????????????

Monday, August 16, 2010

Darlings, For A Great Date Moive, You Cannot Beat "Gorilla At Large!!!!!"

Girls, the downtown set turned out in flux at the Film Forum last Saturday evening, when, as part of its 50's 3D festival, that horary classic "Gorilla At Large" was presented, with superb carnival set designs, a campy man in a gorilla suit as Goliath, a bathing suit sequined, pre-'Miracle Worker' Anne Bancroft, and the most gorgeous carnival and amusement park art direction and set design. Let me tell you, I have dated some gorillas in my time, and the one in this film was cuter than most. This was the perfect Saturday night film--grab some popcorn, curl up with someone, cop a feel or feel someone else (now, girls, let me be the first to explain--just because a man possesses you does not mean he can take public liberties, as the as always wonderful M. Davide found out when he escorted me on Saturrday) or NOT!!!!!!!! Remmeber when those hormones kick in during this laugh riot film, ask yourself, "Would Miss Dorothy succumb? Diane Von Furstenberg? Princess Lee Radizwill? Her cousin, Little Edie????? I don't think so.

But the movie was a scream, even if the sound was a bit off, which caused some viewers to leave, but, honey, let's face it, the plot is not Proust, so it is not like without the sound it can't be followed. What do you think the silent era was all about, darling?????????? Afterwards we retreated to another hot spot--John's Pizza on Bleecker Street, where we got in immediately. I am telling you, girls, I think they were anticipating the arrival of The Raving Queen!!!! Never underestimate the power of this blog!!!!!!!!!!

From there it was a short hop to BookBook, where I tried to locate some titles on TIME's Franzen bookshelf list, especially Jane Smiley's "The Greenlanders," which I am really curious about, and where M. Davide purchased a lovely copy of Mr. Franzen's "The Corrections," which I am actually thinking of rereading before reading his newest, and which is sweeping him (M. Davide) away with its transcendent sense of language and structure and an incisive examination of American malaise. I am telling you, if he gets through "The Corrections," he may get a reward. But do I force fine literature on others, girls????? Only if they are capable of it!!!!! I have too much time pursuing it on my own!!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday was all about recuperation, just as tonight is ALL ABOUT AUDREY, as she counts down, and we count down with her at a lovely late summer repast. Meanwhile, loves, I hope all your repasts or lovely, and don't forget to clock down the days until the new Jonathan Franzen arrives in bookstores!!!!!!

Darlings, it will simply MAKE our literary Fall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Darlings, Sometimes A Day Off Can Be As Draining As Work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, at the end of the day, I was SO exhausted. After a sleep filled night, I arose at 8am, made the coffee, took my meds, read, breakfasted, bathed, shaved, and readied my bag for the day/weekend. Isn't that glamorous, darlings. This is my life, and it happens every day.

Once out the door I dashed uptown to dine with the mysterious Mr. Messina. There is more than one story there, and we expect to find out, loves, and all shall be revealed here. But a good time was had by all.

Then it was down to the Village to get my hair done, and then over to Three Lives Books BECAUSE, dolls, the LITERARY EVENT OF THE YEAR is fast approaching, when, late this month, Jonathan Franzen publishes "Freedom," his first novel since "The Correrctions" and the word on the street is that he has done it again. Not that I am surprised because "The Corrections" confirmed that impression for me. I mean, girls, for three days, I did not READ that book, I LIVED with it, and may have to read it again prior to this latest endeavor.

Have you seen him on the TIME cover? It is simply fabulous. And those side bars on the evolution of American ficition, and then Franzen's list of inspriring works--we have some reading cut out for us, darlings, even it it IS a reread. But meanwhile we are holding our breath until "Freedom" hits the book stores.

In the meantime girls, hold your breath on the beach at those time shares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Girls, We Have A Fictitious Bitch This Week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jon Venables, mentioned earlier, was too heinous for this distinction, so I looked around and found our week's selection in fiction--a real classic, namely "The Bad Seed." Now, while the lead character, Rhoda Penmark, may seem a shoo-in for our distinction, let me say that while Rhoda fits so much criteria--and we just LOVE her--she is much too obvious. No, the true bitch in "The Bad Seed" is one whom is never seen in the play or movie, and only briefly in the book.

I am talking about the third Fern sister, the oddly named Miss Burgess Fern!!!!!!!!!!!

The Fern Sisters ran the Fern Country Day School for children, and were all spinsters, and if Claudia, who is shown both in play and film, is any example, they were repressed lesbians!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You can bet Burgegss has read her way through Radclyffe Hall's "The Well Of Loneliness.'

The sad matter of fact is, without Miss Burgess, there would have been no "Bad Seed" story, because then Claude would not have been murdered, and neither would Leroy, whose death I believe she shares in as well. On the day of the picnic, as soon as it began and Claude was being harassed by Rhoda, he went to Octavia, asking her to hold onto it till the end othe day. Now, Clause was certainly afraid, but all he got from Miss Burgess was a lecture on self-reliance. Then he died. If not for her, Claude might still be alive. What bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we love her tailored outfits and white gloves, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So hats off to this weeks's Bitch OF The week, Miss Burgess Fern. She should have been expelled a long time ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Make sure you grad from Miss Porter's, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, This Is One Sick Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, sweeties, you know I hardly ever use the F-word; I am NOT Julie Powell, and Miss Porter would eschew such talk. And so would Miss Dorothy. However, in light of what has come to my attention, I could not help it, because an unfortunate incident of the past--not mine, dears, but one I clearly remember--was discovered.

While doing my research for the Jenny Brandt episode of "Law and Order," with Hallee Hirch, which I hope to see soon, I discovered one of the bases for the plot was the James Bulger case. I then further discovered that one of the perps in that case, Jon Venables, as of March of this year, is back in prison for two years.

Girls, without being too graphic, let me give you an idea of how heinous a crime this was, and why Jon Venables and his sidekick Robert Thompson are two of the most hated people in Birtain since Ian Brady and Myra Hindley. Hell, in the world probably. And I daresay, in 1993, as their crime came to pass, it raised some eyebrows from the jaded Brady, then in his fifties.

On the 12th, of February, 113, while playing hooking at a local shopping mall in the Liverpool area, Jon and Robert abducted, tortured, and finally murdered James Bulger. Oh, I negelected to mention, Mr. Bulger was but a two year old toddler, and the Messrs. Venable and Thompson had reached the ripe old age of TEN. That is right, girls--kiddies toruturing and murdering babies!!!!!!! Now, one can argue about Denise Bulger watching James more closely, but look what happened to the more independent and older Adam Walsh in this courntry. The opportunity was there, and unfortunately it was taken. And it could have been taken, even if James had been by Denise's side and she was enacting a business transaction, so cut her some slack, please. She lost her child to murder--but to two prepubescent murderers, who really had no empathy or remorse for what they had done. Talk about bad seeds!!!!!!!

We cry out for Justice For James! There is a website for such, and I urge you girls to visit and contribute. Because all these monsters were meted out was an eight year prison sentence, till they were 18, whereupon they were returned to society, albeit with different identities. Where is the Justice For James?????????

By now, both are in their late twenties. Thompson is straight, and probably sonme kind of sex pig. Venables, it turns out, lived with a gay man old enough to be his father, and had a good old pedophilliac time. The end result being Venables was recently arrrested on charges related to child pornography, which was probably encouraged by his partner, who frankly should be looked into, especially since he probably knew who and what he was living with. Sicko!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, now Venables is imprisoned for two years!!!!!!!!!! I say when done cnfine him to a psychiatirc unit. And meanwhile pick up Thompson and put him in one, because I am telling you, darlings, as sure as you can say "Lindsay Lohan," at some point he will be in the headlines and back in prison too. Let's face it, if you are a monster at 10, you will be one at 30. Pathology does not change; it only mutates and evolves, sometimes for better, mostly for worse, but it never goes away.

Now, I have to go away, girls, because this is all getting much too dark for me. And I cannot wait for the new Jonathan Franzen. But meanwhile, think of sweet James Bulger, who today would be 19, and should have been!!!!!!!!! His spirit cries out for Justice, and though the mills grind exceedingly small, it will be grantd.

Have a lovely day, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Girls, Let's Talk About Steve Slater!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, Steve Slater is not only getting his fifteen minutes of fame right now, he is one of New York City's most unsung heroes since Berhard Goetz. But now he faces conviction??? Only in America, kiddies.

It seems that Steve, a flight attendant, had had enough. Now, honey, for those who work in service industries, who hasn';t felt like this? The plane was taxiing into Kennedy, and a passenger got up to remove their luggage before the plane had come to a halt, which even Miss Porter herself would tell you is a thing you NEVER do, darlings. But this Creature of Entitlement saw fit not only to refute Steve's professional request, but to curse him out! What people have to take is unbelievable!!!!!! Believe me, darlings, I know!!!!!!!! So Steve, who has had it up to here, what with unruly boobs, going back and forth to California caring for his cancer ridden mother and ill father, gets on the intercom and publicly gives the customer a dose of their own medicine!!!!!!! Good for you, Steve! Then he, in effect, says "Take this job and shove it!", grabs some beer and exits off the plane, via a sliding chute.

I think Steve should get a medal. And I want to know why the identity of the patron who triggered this incident is being protected, while Steve is being blasted all over the media. I know there was some concern that by exiting via the chute, he could have put a person's life in danger, had someone been out there, but no one was. I am not saying Steve should not own up to that--so slap him a misdemeanor fine!--but a jail conviction??? That is like convicting Martha Stewart for shopping at K-Mart!

Girls, I say let us get whomever the bitch is who cursed Steve out. I certainly want to know, because there we will have our Bitch Of The Week. Now, Alexandra Petri wrote an appology to Steve as the passenger, but is she REALLY, or is she just a journalist masquerading as such? I say, the latter! Meanwhile, let us rally behind Steve! We are not going to take abusive crap from people anymore!

But, darlings, please stay in your seats till the plane comes to a full stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Girls, We Just Love To Go Shopping

Darlings, I am telling you, I am so exhausted from yesterday. First an afternoon screening of "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" at the Film Forum--and when Marilyn and Jane popped out of the screen at the opening, in their red gowns, to sing "We're Just Two Little Girls From Little Rock," I simply could not contain myself. This film is morally inspriring--the importance of us finding a man, the value of diamonds, of youth, and of sequestering yourself with an Olympic team. I think it should be made part of Gay 101. Not to menttion the faabulous Travilla (of "Valley Of The Dolls," fame, loves!) costumes and the make-up illustrate the importance of fashion in winning the battle for love. And remember, long as the guy's a millionaire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From there it was shoe shopping--boxes and boxes pulled and footware donned until we found the exact set we wanted. Won't we be all set for Fashion Week, come fall? Anna will be so proud. Now if this heat would just abate. I was so worn out I could barely sing last night, but, honey, you know I am a trouper!!!!!!! While, Monsieur Davide looked on patiently, reading his paper, I relaxed with a psycho on the4 loose in "Law and Order--Criminal Intent." I think his problem stemmed from having Louise Fletcher as a mother, though she did not appear. Living with the Louise film persona would make anyone psycho, darlings.

I mean, dolls, it takes energy to be on the social scene. And what with the Fall Season approaching--new theater, opera, etc. And just three more days till a new Bitch gets chosen--the days just go like sand thorugh the hourglsss, accoriding to Macdonald Carey.

And lastly a sad and fond farewell to one of the greats, Patricia Neal, who as Alma in "Hud" did her best to keep another "cold blooded bastard" from your heart.
May the only thing near your hearts that is cold, girls, be some chilled champagne.
Dom Perignon, of course!!!!!!!!

Have a fabulous evening, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Darlings, If Snookie Can Be Famous, Then I Should Be A Star!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, girls, come on; all this fuss about "Jersey Shore" star Snookie and getting busted, and all? What is with the paparazzi? She is not pretty or sexy enough to be a tart, she is certainly white trash, which comes as no surprise, since, while there exceptions like MERYL and moi, New Jersey is essentailly a White Trash State, and she is not slutty enough for "Jersey Couture." Yet, here she is getting all the publicity. Honey, she looks like some overage version of what used to crawl out of Goat Alley at nights. Or their mothers!!!!!!!!! Even Diane Dykeman, in her halcyon days, was more presentable than this.

And this is what get media attention today!!!!!!! While educated, informed (o a variety of subjects, love, from musical theater to serial killers) boobs like yours truly The Raving Queen, have to blog along, hoping that at some time notice will be taken and attention paid. And you know I do not intend to give up!!!!!!!!

Now, granted, this Snookie will have her day, and then it is off to some trailer trash park for her, where she will spend the rest of her days a hopeless alcoholic. When my fame comes, darling, you can bet it will be of longer duration.
And then people wonder why I am so up on serial killers. Let me tell you, lambs, coming from Jersey, it is a wonder there werent't nore of them per capita. I think Florida has its fare share. Need I say more?

I guess it is IN these days to be White Trash. But after escaping from such, do you think I will go back? Not on your life? The only trash I want to see is what goes out with the garbage, and the fame I aim for is a higher grade than that of Miss Snookie!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember, the Jersey shore is not everything, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Girls, The Things We Do For Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, the other night, there I was ensconced with Monsieur Davide in his elegant Village pensione, where we had settled in to watch what I thought would be a charming and campy bit of fluff--"The Big GAY Musical." Honey, you can skip this one. The musical scenes are everything you have seen if you have been in New York and Gay for the past 30 years, and these are sandwiched in between philosophic scenes that have the temerity to tell the Gay Community how it should behave, and that even William Inge would think a little preachy.

I would much rather have been watching Hallie Hirsh playing child serial killer Jenny Brandt in the "Killerz" episode of "Law and Order," which I expect to view soon. Jenny Brandt--what a piece of work--kills a boy, gets away with it, looks forward to killing another. The monologue where she talks about killing a cat (textbook sign of a serial killer--killing animals; come to think of it, Kelli Garner's Brittany O'Malley in "Mean" was pretty much the same way, suspected of poisoning her boyfriend's cat, Buttons) is a classic, and many say she should have received an Emmy for her performance. I can't wait to see it. And Hallie of course was superb a few years before--2007--as another piece of work, evil teen killer Tina Quinn, who is clearly based on my real life Tina, Diane Dykeman. Hallie seems to excel at playing rotten people. Hell, maybe she should play Jessica Holtmeyer, that cold blooded bitch, who hung a disabled teen to death in 1998,thinking it was fun, in Clearfield, PA, the conformist capital of the U.S., so you can see where conformity gets you.

But, darlings, it is too nice a day to venture into such dark territory. It is time to think about Fashion Week next month, because Anna Wintour will be venturing onto my turf, and it will be interesting to see what happens when La Wintour and I cross paths. Monsieur Davide and I are getting a dose camp on Sunday from Marilyn and Jane via the wide screen color presentation of "Gentleman Prefer Blondes" at the Film Forum, so it is too nice to think about Jenny Brandt or Jessica Holtmeyer, though we want to see Hallie play Jenny. And what about lunch, and my errands today, lambs? I had better run and get ready, but before I do, this is The Raving Queen telling you all out there to pet your pussies (the GAY kind, darlings) and remember we are not serial killers but Masters Of Scrumptiousness!!!!!!!!

Have a scrumptious time, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Darlings, Daddy's Daughter Is Such A Bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, it was the zero hour--Thursday morning, walking to the subway, not a bitch in sight, when my eyes caught a glance at the NY Metro in its stand and the glaring headline--"Giulianni's Daughter Busted!"

And then I knew I HAD it! The Raving Queen's Bitch Of The Week this week is none other than Miss Caroline Giulianni, daughter of the former Right Wing/pit bull Mayor of New York.

Honey, this story has so many facets. It mentions Caroline being enrolled at Harvard? How did she manage that? I mean, she was no Miss Porter's alum, and her parents, for all that her father was a hot political honcho, and her mother a journalist/golddigger, were pretty low class.

Anyway, Miss Caroline is in an Upper East Side store, Sephora, and is caught nabbing jewels for herself. What't the matter, hon, need to pay your Harvard tuiition??? She is found with quite a stash, and the cops haul her off. I cannot wait to see what "Law and Order" does with THIS!!!!!!!!!

Rudy, of course, will defend his daughter, just like he defended his dumb, pllug ugly son Andrew, who is now 23, and very likely as miserable as he was when a child. But Donna has her work cut out for her, which is what she gets for trying to scale social and fame ladders by marrying Giulianni. Girls, can you imagine sleeping with THAT??? Not on your life, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!! I would sleep with Eliot Spitzer first!!!!!!!!!! (Not to worry, M. Davide!!!!!!!!!!)

Let's see how Daddy keeps his baby lamb out of the slammer on this one. Let's see how Andrew throws another hissy fit; he is probably some big panty wearing queen, who is an insult to all us honest queens!!!!!!!!!!

But Miss Caroline is such a bitch, girls, feeling she is just entitled to take whatever she wants from wherever she wants. You have to admire her hubris, and her good fortune at not being as ugly as her brother; she almost looks presentable!!!!!!!

Just remember, girls, the only way for us to get jewels is when the man buys them! Like placing a ring on our finger!!!!!!!!!!!

Get those fingers ready, loves! Miss Caroline, from the looks of things will be waiting for hers for quite a while!!!!!!!!!

Love you all, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Darlings, The Past Just Keeps Coming Back!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....well, to continue, he lives in Yardley, PA, with his wife, Paula Weiss. The name struck out at me immediately, as did the town, and when I consulted by Reunion book, I discovered that this was the Paula I knew.

Now, my interactions with her were different from Diane or Roberta. For starters, we both began our schooling at Irving, because her folks at the time were living in those apartments down by the river, which was not exactly high end, if you get my meaning, loves. And I was born into affuluence on the North Side, where the RIGHT people lived. Paula proved to be very bright, and her parents knew the game, so after second grade, Paula said bye bye to Irving, and was put in Lafayette School, where her parents moved near to. Just like I should have been put around then to Hamilton. Paula and I did not resurface till seventh grade, where, while cordial, she was a bit condescending; she made you feel lucky if she would deign to talk to you. And this after playing with me as children. She hung around with the ugly and less socially prominent--Debbie Kaplan (ohm GOD, was she ugly!!!!!!!!!!!!!), David Kesselman (who did not imporve with age) and Susan Greenhaus, who pretty much stayed the same. According to what I read she met her husband at Rutgers Law School in Camden, and la-di-da!-- a house at the Jersey shore and everything. Sweeties, I want the Dakota or Park Avenue, not the fucking Jersey shore. Shows their middle class limitations. But Paula was something of an attention grabber herself, and she got Honor Society when I should have gotten it, even though, after having beenc chosen to take Algebra in the 8th grade, she had to repeat it again in 9th, because Mr. Barber who taught both Algebra and the Upper 8th Grade Math Class (which I was in with Roberta) was not that good a teacher. Math was never my favorite, but any fascination it held was ruined for me. So fuck you, Mr. Barber!!!!!!!!! But Paula got honor society because she fit a certain mold which I did not, which Mrs. Santamarina favored. Do I resent Paula? You bet! Do I blame her? Of course not. I blame Mrs. Santamarina, who is now pushing up daisies, because it was SHE, not Pauila, who kept me out of the NHS!!!!!!!!!

So have fun in Yardley, Paula, dear! I know something about PA myself. Her husband looks better wtih his moustache. Just like some lesbians I know. And I always thought back then that Paula was a lesbian. Could have fooled me!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, at least I don't have to sleep with him!

Be careful what and whom you sleep with, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, The Past Just Keeps Coming Back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fresh on the heels of the Roberta discovery, whom should I discover but another figure from my past, one I had more interaction with than Roberta--Paula Weiss.

I happened to be on a site about Capital Singers of Trenton, one of whose members is a lawyer named Peter Scarpato. It says he lives in Yardley,

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Darlings, It's Back To Lindsay, And We Are Betting How Soon She Goes Back To Jail!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Lindsay Lohan has been sprung from jail, just the night after I witness her genuinely talented performance in Altman's "A Prairie Home Companion." Which I should be on, loves, because you know, darlings, that I am everything that is SO pure and American!!!!!!!!! Just like Miss Dorothy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hon, I give Lindsay three months till she is in the slammer once more, because if she did not listen to Meryl and Lily years before when making above film--and who would have the temerity NOT to listen to MERYL STREEP, dolls????? Let alone LILY TOMLIN!!!!!--then she is on a crash course to destruction. Hell, Judy Garland took a good 30 years to tank out; Lindsay is going to crash and burn like the proverbial skyrocket. Not to mention she looks like SHIT!!!!!! I mean, come on, Anna wouldn't even let her near the VOGUE offices looking the way she does. Eevn on my worst day, loves, I look better than Lindsay, like this past Sunday when I had a migraine.

But let's wait for Lindsay to crash! Girls, I am telling you, technology sucks!!!!!! Beginning last Friday I was having phone trouble--and still am; my phone does not ring, it bleeps, people who try to call can't get me, and when they do they don't hear a ring and all sorts of electronic static. The lovely, gracious and very accomodating Monsieur Davide went out and bought me a spanking new phone which we installed last night. Same results. Now on Friday the Phone Cpmpany is supposedly sending out someone between the hours of eight and noon, and let me tell you, I bet he doesn't look like Eric Evans. More like Rosie O'Donnell, I bet!!!!!!!!!!! But, you know, I almost don't care, if the problem can be permanently resolved. I mean, am I going to have to get a cell phone???? I have done without all this time; and it is just a capitalist plot to extract more money from us, because cell phones are more expensive than land lines!!!!!! Kiss my ass, you Verizon bitches, because I am NOT switching!!!! I want my phone service restored, and if it isn't, first I am going to send Monsieur Dzvide down to your offices to bitch slap you with my used panties, and THEN I am going to complain to the Better Business Bureau. As Joan Crawford so eloquently said once--"Don't fuck with ME, fellas!!!!!!!"

And I am telling you I am almost ready to concede domestic victory to Martha Stewart after Monsieur Davide so generously helped me straighten a few things out. Hell, I may now become a compulsive floor sweeper. Ad tomorrow we go to the Strand, so we better see how they behave after my posting of last week, which I am sure has been tacked to their workplace bulletin board. We shall see. I am looking for three things--a hardback of "Mr. Peanut," which shoudld be a snap, and the hardbacked, N.C.Wyeth illustrated editions of either "Treasure Island," "Kidnapped," or "The Yearling." If I find them, fine, if not I will be back. But be forewarned, Strand--The Raving Queen expects Royal Treatment. And I don't mean Royal Jello or Pudding, loves!!!!!!!!!!

If they don't behave tomorrow, I will see each and every staff member gets a complimentary set of Fancy Pants, the Paper Panty=--"Put it on, take it off, and then you throw it away! 15 cents!!!!!!!!!

Make sure all your pants(ies) are fancy, girls! But fabrics, darling, not paper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Girls, We Have GOT To Talk About "That Woman!"

Now, darlings, I am NOT talking about "That Girl," with Marlo Thomas, where we all wanted to be Ann Marie, move to our cheap rent controlled apartment, gawk in the evening at all the Broadway posters, fly a kite in Central Park, walk among the Lincoln Center opera posters with our paisley sleeveless dress with matching parasol..and....WHEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, that is fun, lambs. "That Woman", while well performed and illuminating, calls to mind social evils of past and present.

First of all, the episode comes from the TV show "Cold Case," so right away, lambs, you know we are talking about serious introspection, not breezy fun!!!!!!!!!

"That Woman"'s title refers first of all to President Clinton's initial remark about the notorious Ms. Lewinsky. "Ah did not have sexual relations with that woman--Ms. Lewinsky." Of course, dolls, what he did NOT say was he had sexual relations with THAT woman, and that woman and that one and her..........the list went on!!!!!!!!!!! Personally, I never could understand it. The man always looked one step up from a redneck boob. Not MY type, sugar!!!!!!!!!!!

But the episode. Well, Mackenzie Phillips, a former "bad girl" herself, darlings, plays Sheila Swett, a woman down on her luck. She lives in the white trash section of town--what would have been Goat Alley in MY hometown, loves!--and has an illegitimate daughter, named Carrie. Now, Sheila of course when she was Carrie's age did the whole white- trash -slut- backseat -boyfriend thing, resulting in Carrie.
Hell, some of my blood relations have done the same thing!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Aren't I such a bitch? Well, getting back to the story, Sheila has done her best by Carrie, raising her to be a good person. But they still live in the white trash section of town, and Sheila never lands a husband. And like many children of white trash sluts, Carrie is a stunning bloomer. Which of course makes the other girls in her high school class jealous, so before you can say it, poor Carrie is being called a "Slut!" Now, if anyone called me THAT, honey, I would rap them in the teeth! But Carrie is pure class--she holds her head high and grins and bears it. Now, because of her extraoridinary attributes--and, darlings, let me say, as a gay man, The Raving Queen just LOVED her perfect hair--some boys have their way with Carrie, and she understandably gets tired of being exploited. So she tells Mamma Mackenzie she wants to change, wear less provovative clothing, etc. Fine. But Carrie takes a BIG step that proves her undoing. Her high school has a club called the Hearts Wait Club, sponsosred by a Youth Pastor named Nathan, that espouses sexual abstention till marriage for teenagers. Hell, I wouldn't last a minute. Tina Quinn (superbly played--because this story crosses time periods--in 1998 by Hallie Hirsch and in 2,007 by Sarah Utterback) gets her self-righteous pretentious Christian bitch presence in Carrie's (superbly played by the lovely Kayla Mae Maloney) face, and invites her to join the club. So Carrie agrees, thinking she will wipe the slate clean, and make a fresh start. It is a noble idea, and a good one, but, as we find out, girls, Carrie is herself TOO GOOD for this club and its (again) self-righteous) goons!!!!!!!!

What Carie disovers is not a club brimming with Christian goodness but seething with sizzling socio-sexual hyporcisy and imporpiety. You know, the kind you usually find in small towns, just like Highland Park, New Jersey, where I grew up!

For starters, young club member Phil DiPetra is struggling with burgeoning homosexuality. The Raving Queen knows all about THAT one, loves!!!!! Then group members Laure Wu and Manny Kim, designated as Mary and Joseph, are more couple than one realizes, when Laurie comes to Carrie and asks how to tell if she is pregnant. Can you believe a teenage girl in this day and age THAT naiive, even a Chrsitian one?
Seems she and Manny have been going at it, and they have had a pregnancy scare. Hell, honey, wait till you get to STD's!!!!!! And that is STD not SAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
But best of all, Little Miss Virgin Princess Tina is making it with the hunky bur perverted youth pastor Nathan. You know, the type that preys on minors by saying what they are doing is a spiritual experience. Spiritual, my ass! Go watch Jennifer Jones in "The Song of Bernadette" is you want that!!!!!!!!! Carrie actually stumbles upon Tina and Nathan, and you can bet Miss President Christian Bitch is royally pissed!!!! So she browbeats her more intimidated accolytes into hiding in the woods, luring Carrie there, and kill her, by stoning, which they do.
That Tina has the nerve to say "Thou shalt suffer the whore to be stoned!" Honey, thou shalt suffer the bitch to shut her mouth, because let me tell you, when I wateched THIS I knew that the real life Tina I had known had been none otther than Miss Virgin Princess Diane Dykeman.

Oh, honey, the Dykemans were a piece of work! The parents thought they were SO great, living on Harrison Avenue, never letting anyone forget that they had made it all the way there from Montgomery Street! Hell, I started out ABOVE Montgomery Street, lambs, so there. The mother was a closet alcholic, the father a cold, unyielding type, and the older brother a sociopath. Now, the Dykemans (can you believe the surname; you can't make this crap up, girls!) were twins, Diane and Debbie. They were pretty in that pseudo wholesome all-Ameerican Mean Girls way, but let me tell you we weer not fooled for a second. As I have said, they THOUGHT they ruled, but the ones who did were really Roberta and Nedra!!!!!

When you dealt with Debbie, you knew you were dealing with a blonde, viperish bitch!!!! Her beauty was ONLY skin deep. This was someone who got caught kissing David Thistle in the 3re grade cloakroom, initiating such childhood sordidnesss and then in seventh grade on summer nights sneaking down to Donaldson Park and letting boys feel her breasts. Oh, they thought I knew nothing, but living in that town, I heard it ALL, honey!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Diane, less pretty than her sister, more a Diane Varsi-Alison Mackenzie type, played the role of the Good Daughter and Teacher's Pet--good grades, student council secretary, "Yes, M'am-ing" her way through school from Day One!!!!!! She was a bit more discerning and insightful than Debbie, but she was a Dykeman, after all, so no matter how nice it seemed Diane was being to someone, there would always come the moment when she would turn around, and, metaphoricallys speaking, stab them in the back. I suffered plenty from Diane, let me tell you!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, five years ago, it was the talk of the Internet among our class for almost two weeks, when it was discovered Debbie had died from a tragic lifetime of never regaining the popularity she had those firt 12 school years, and staving off a series of addictions acquired by a lifetime of sexual abuse from an early age at the hands of either her father or her brother. Too little too late. Too late to be sorry, Debbie!!!!!!!!!!

That was the Dykemmans. Now back to Carrie. So she is murdered by the Hearts Wait Club in 1998, and left dead in the park. She is found, buried, and like the series title implies, the case goes COLD. Nine years later, in the park, an abandoned vehilce is found, around which is wrapped some fabric that turns out to be torn material from Carrie's tank top. Lily Rush (Kathryn Morris) knows the score, and before you can say "Get the Biches!" she is tracking down the adult members of the Hearts Wait Club, and browbeat them into admitting what they did. That Tina is every bit as unrepentant, pretentious, hateful and hypociritical as Diane Dykeman would have been; the difference is in my situation I would have throun a stone at Diane/Tina or refused to participate and report her to the authorities, to hell with her Harrison Aveneue parents!!!!!!!!!! Happily, they all get theirs, that bitch Tina gets locked up good, the rest go off to the slammer, Nathan gets off scott free, soon to be caught for his perverted hypocrisy, and Lily sees Carrie's ghost at the murder site, telling her she is all right, and thanking her for bringing her mother closure and peace by wrapping up the case.

Girls, not since "Touched By An Angel" have I cried such tears over a TV series. Don't get me started on any other CC episodes--oh my God, darlings!!!!!!!!!!
But it just proves the Tina/Diane Dykemans of the world DO get their comeuppance, no matter how long it takes!!!!!!

Miss -Diane -Now In -Georgia, -Bitch, where all you do is live off your husand and play tennis!!!! Have fun, doll!!!!!!!!!!!!

What gets me is when things happen like this, how adults like school authorities are SO quick to say, "Oh they were young. They did not know what they were doing. " Sweetheart, let me tell you--as Jodee Blanco said, "The bullies never remember. But the ones who are bullied DO." IF Carrie had survived, you can bet this would have scarred her, no two ways about it. And there is NO excuse for behavior like that, and those who are capable I do not believe really change when they get older. Again, look at the adult Tina! Just like Diane Dykeman!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, girls, watch your behavior towaards others, and by all means see this "Cold Case" episode! Like me, it will hav you crying REAL tears, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!