Girls, We Have GOT To Talk About "That Woman!"

Now, darlings, I am NOT talking about "That Girl," with Marlo Thomas, where we all wanted to be Ann Marie, move to our cheap rent controlled apartment, gawk in the evening at all the Broadway posters, fly a kite in Central Park, walk among the Lincoln Center opera posters with our paisley sleeveless dress with matching parasol..and....WHEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, that is fun, lambs. "That Woman", while well performed and illuminating, calls to mind social evils of past and present.

First of all, the episode comes from the TV show "Cold Case," so right away, lambs, you know we are talking about serious introspection, not breezy fun!!!!!!!!!

"That Woman"'s title refers first of all to President Clinton's initial remark about the notorious Ms. Lewinsky. "Ah did not have sexual relations with that woman--Ms. Lewinsky." Of course, dolls, what he did NOT say was he had sexual relations with THAT woman, and that woman and that one and her..........the list went on!!!!!!!!!!! Personally, I never could understand it. The man always looked one step up from a redneck boob. Not MY type, sugar!!!!!!!!!!!

But the episode. Well, Mackenzie Phillips, a former "bad girl" herself, darlings, plays Sheila Swett, a woman down on her luck. She lives in the white trash section of town--what would have been Goat Alley in MY hometown, loves!--and has an illegitimate daughter, named Carrie. Now, Sheila of course when she was Carrie's age did the whole white- trash -slut- backseat -boyfriend thing, resulting in Carrie.
Hell, some of my blood relations have done the same thing!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Aren't I such a bitch? Well, getting back to the story, Sheila has done her best by Carrie, raising her to be a good person. But they still live in the white trash section of town, and Sheila never lands a husband. And like many children of white trash sluts, Carrie is a stunning bloomer. Which of course makes the other girls in her high school class jealous, so before you can say it, poor Carrie is being called a "Slut!" Now, if anyone called me THAT, honey, I would rap them in the teeth! But Carrie is pure class--she holds her head high and grins and bears it. Now, because of her extraoridinary attributes--and, darlings, let me say, as a gay man, The Raving Queen just LOVED her perfect hair--some boys have their way with Carrie, and she understandably gets tired of being exploited. So she tells Mamma Mackenzie she wants to change, wear less provovative clothing, etc. Fine. But Carrie takes a BIG step that proves her undoing. Her high school has a club called the Hearts Wait Club, sponsosred by a Youth Pastor named Nathan, that espouses sexual abstention till marriage for teenagers. Hell, I wouldn't last a minute. Tina Quinn (superbly played--because this story crosses time periods--in 1998 by Hallie Hirsch and in 2,007 by Sarah Utterback) gets her self-righteous pretentious Christian bitch presence in Carrie's (superbly played by the lovely Kayla Mae Maloney) face, and invites her to join the club. So Carrie agrees, thinking she will wipe the slate clean, and make a fresh start. It is a noble idea, and a good one, but, as we find out, girls, Carrie is herself TOO GOOD for this club and its (again) self-righteous) goons!!!!!!!!

What Carie disovers is not a club brimming with Christian goodness but seething with sizzling socio-sexual hyporcisy and imporpiety. You know, the kind you usually find in small towns, just like Highland Park, New Jersey, where I grew up!

For starters, young club member Phil DiPetra is struggling with burgeoning homosexuality. The Raving Queen knows all about THAT one, loves!!!!! Then group members Laure Wu and Manny Kim, designated as Mary and Joseph, are more couple than one realizes, when Laurie comes to Carrie and asks how to tell if she is pregnant. Can you believe a teenage girl in this day and age THAT naiive, even a Chrsitian one?
Seems she and Manny have been going at it, and they have had a pregnancy scare. Hell, honey, wait till you get to STD's!!!!!! And that is STD not SAT!!!!!!!!!!!!
But best of all, Little Miss Virgin Princess Tina is making it with the hunky bur perverted youth pastor Nathan. You know, the type that preys on minors by saying what they are doing is a spiritual experience. Spiritual, my ass! Go watch Jennifer Jones in "The Song of Bernadette" is you want that!!!!!!!!! Carrie actually stumbles upon Tina and Nathan, and you can bet Miss President Christian Bitch is royally pissed!!!! So she browbeats her more intimidated accolytes into hiding in the woods, luring Carrie there, and kill her, by stoning, which they do.
That Tina has the nerve to say "Thou shalt suffer the whore to be stoned!" Honey, thou shalt suffer the bitch to shut her mouth, because let me tell you, when I wateched THIS I knew that the real life Tina I had known had been none otther than Miss Virgin Princess Diane Dykeman.

Oh, honey, the Dykemans were a piece of work! The parents thought they were SO great, living on Harrison Avenue, never letting anyone forget that they had made it all the way there from Montgomery Street! Hell, I started out ABOVE Montgomery Street, lambs, so there. The mother was a closet alcholic, the father a cold, unyielding type, and the older brother a sociopath. Now, the Dykemans (can you believe the surname; you can't make this crap up, girls!) were twins, Diane and Debbie. They were pretty in that pseudo wholesome all-Ameerican Mean Girls way, but let me tell you we weer not fooled for a second. As I have said, they THOUGHT they ruled, but the ones who did were really Roberta and Nedra!!!!!

When you dealt with Debbie, you knew you were dealing with a blonde, viperish bitch!!!! Her beauty was ONLY skin deep. This was someone who got caught kissing David Thistle in the 3re grade cloakroom, initiating such childhood sordidnesss and then in seventh grade on summer nights sneaking down to Donaldson Park and letting boys feel her breasts. Oh, they thought I knew nothing, but living in that town, I heard it ALL, honey!!!!!!!!!!

Miss Diane, less pretty than her sister, more a Diane Varsi-Alison Mackenzie type, played the role of the Good Daughter and Teacher's Pet--good grades, student council secretary, "Yes, M'am-ing" her way through school from Day One!!!!!! She was a bit more discerning and insightful than Debbie, but she was a Dykeman, after all, so no matter how nice it seemed Diane was being to someone, there would always come the moment when she would turn around, and, metaphoricallys speaking, stab them in the back. I suffered plenty from Diane, let me tell you!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, five years ago, it was the talk of the Internet among our class for almost two weeks, when it was discovered Debbie had died from a tragic lifetime of never regaining the popularity she had those firt 12 school years, and staving off a series of addictions acquired by a lifetime of sexual abuse from an early age at the hands of either her father or her brother. Too little too late. Too late to be sorry, Debbie!!!!!!!!!!

That was the Dykemmans. Now back to Carrie. So she is murdered by the Hearts Wait Club in 1998, and left dead in the park. She is found, buried, and like the series title implies, the case goes COLD. Nine years later, in the park, an abandoned vehilce is found, around which is wrapped some fabric that turns out to be torn material from Carrie's tank top. Lily Rush (Kathryn Morris) knows the score, and before you can say "Get the Biches!" she is tracking down the adult members of the Hearts Wait Club, and browbeat them into admitting what they did. That Tina is every bit as unrepentant, pretentious, hateful and hypociritical as Diane Dykeman would have been; the difference is in my situation I would have throun a stone at Diane/Tina or refused to participate and report her to the authorities, to hell with her Harrison Aveneue parents!!!!!!!!!! Happily, they all get theirs, that bitch Tina gets locked up good, the rest go off to the slammer, Nathan gets off scott free, soon to be caught for his perverted hypocrisy, and Lily sees Carrie's ghost at the murder site, telling her she is all right, and thanking her for bringing her mother closure and peace by wrapping up the case.

Girls, not since "Touched By An Angel" have I cried such tears over a TV series. Don't get me started on any other CC episodes--oh my God, darlings!!!!!!!!!!
But it just proves the Tina/Diane Dykemans of the world DO get their comeuppance, no matter how long it takes!!!!!!

Miss -Diane -Now In -Georgia, -Bitch, where all you do is live off your husand and play tennis!!!! Have fun, doll!!!!!!!!!!!!

What gets me is when things happen like this, how adults like school authorities are SO quick to say, "Oh they were young. They did not know what they were doing. " Sweetheart, let me tell you--as Jodee Blanco said, "The bullies never remember. But the ones who are bullied DO." IF Carrie had survived, you can bet this would have scarred her, no two ways about it. And there is NO excuse for behavior like that, and those who are capable I do not believe really change when they get older. Again, look at the adult Tina! Just like Diane Dykeman!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, girls, watch your behavior towaards others, and by all means see this "Cold Case" episode! Like me, it will hav you crying REAL tears, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!