Friday, September 19, 2008

Girls, You Simply Have To Read "American Wife"!

Darlings, Curtis Sittenfeld's "American Wife" is the literary event of the season, and I mean, if you have not read it you will not be able to show yourself at any parties this autumn, no matter what designer you are wearing. One reason why this is such an event is that finally with this novel Sittenfeld deservedly earns all the praise she did not deserve for her first book, "Prep." Encased in the story of a first lady who just may be Laura Bush--though Priscilla, the Barbara stand-in is the real horror!-- this novel encompasses the pressures upon pre-sexual revolution men and women, the roles that these times constricted them to, and how this constriciton shaped two individuals who rose to the top of America's political heap. Girls, I never gave a damn about the Bushes, but this novel is so compelling it will have you thinking that maybe LB is more complex than we first thought. Well, darlings, anyone is. Look how complex I am, what with what it takes to be SO fabulous. So do not be the social zero at this season's array of parties.
Read "American Wife." And don't forget to shop at Diane Von Furstenberg, 14th Street and Washinton. Love to all, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Well, Girls, Lightning DOESN"T Strike Twice!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, last night I was so tired out from my excursions the night before I couldn't begin to set my experiences down. May the Bronte sisters forgive me!!!! Well. Monday night I decide to check out the Local Dive, where my friend, Max (you know, darlings, the nebbish) was allegedly proposed to. The Local Dive turned out to be Gene's, an Italian mainstay in the Village, on West 11th Street, which I had been meaning to try. So I tried it. And let me tell you, girls, it says volumes about the differences between Max and myself. But then remember he is the one with the relationship. I am still single and alone.

Gene's is at first glance charming. After the environment sinks in, the darkness of the lighting suggests less romantic atmosphere than a visit to the Hudson sisters' household in 'Baby Jane.' Looking around the room the clientele--whose average age is 70, and who would appear to be
gumming their food rather than digesting it--suggests more a nursing home than a romantic night spot. But then, dears, Max always was a bit of a convalescent himself, which is why he would fit right in here. The food was on the whole average, the service efficient but hardly friendly; not quite hostile, but , girls, let me tell you, if you dropped your napkin here, not only would you be expected to pick it up yourself, but you wouldn't want to see any of the staff butts bent over.

What did we learn, sweets? That this restaurant is not suitalbe for MOI. That if this is where Max was proposed it speaks volumes of a relationship that I would care not to HAVE. Darlings, when I am proposed to--and I am determined there be a WHEN--it will be at One If By Land, Two If By Sea, which is much more MY style, loves. We also learned we wasted ourselves a perfectly good evening, just like last week wasting my eyes and brain on that literary tripe called "Earthly Powers." Mr Burgess should have hung it up as a novelist after "A Clockwork Orange."

And speaking of hung, I don't care if Max or his partner are hung like horses, (I can for certain, lambs, tell you that Max is NOT) this is not what I am looking for in a restaurant, dining
expereince, or relationship.

Maybe that is what I was supposed to learn, girls! In which case the evening was a sort of success.

And just wait till tomorrow night when I bitch slap Julio with a paddle at our Book Group!!!!!

Kisses to all!

Monday, June 9, 2008

Darlings, Wot Qual-E-Fuh-KY-Tions???????????

That phrase, girls, is a tribute to the late but great Victor Buono and his iconic performance as Edwin Flagg in the equally iconic 1962 film "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?" But we are not here to talk about that film, darlings, though let me tell you I HAVE lived it, as it represents the childhood of fame and adulation I so desperately wanted and cling to resentful bitterness that I did not get.

Girls, as stated before, as a gay man I am the IDEAL relationship partner, though as stated previously I am not Eric Evans. But neither than anyone else is but Eric Evans, and I will bet you, darlings, even he has his off days. But Eric Evans notwithstanding here are my qualifications.

1. I am drug free.
2. I am disease free.
3. I moisturize, deodorize and accessorize.
4. I know Miss Porter's.
5.I know the Ivy League.
6. I know the Seven Sisters.
7. I am open minded.
8. I am literary.
9. I know the demi monde--darlings I have dined on the demi monde circuit during the
Golden Age of Haute Cuisine--Lutece, Le Cirque, Lespinasse, La Grenouille, The
Sign Of The Dove for God's sake!!!!!!!
8. This horse has been around the track and knows all the tricks!!!!!
10. I am trustworthy and stable--ie; capable of monogamy!

Darlings, how many gay men do you know can match this list? So why isn't my door being
batted down with eligible partners, instead of nut jobs? Girls, we have to maximize our assets
and make sure we are seen at all the right places. I have also been to One If By Land Two
If By Sea and I propose to be seen prominently at Harry Cipriani's before the summer is

So, girls if you feel you can meet these specifications and would like to give me a try,
feel free! Preference given to wealthy Jewish businessmen from Great Neck. (Though
professionally, lawyers perform the best sexually.)

But it's not about sex, darlings! I have had all I can of that! What I am talking about is
stability and companionship!

Are gay men up to that, darlings? Let's find out as I make my way through New York's
romantic haunts in search of the answer--and you can follow with me. Tonight I am going
to The Local Dive, where Max supposedly got his marriage proposal. Will lightning strike
twice, sweets? Stay tuned and find out!!!!

Kisses, girls!

Darlings, Is It Possible To Become A Desperate Housewife Without Having A Vagina?????

Darlings, I am at the end of my rope! Last night at my evening church social, after I stopped the show in choir with my vocal pyrotechnics, girls, who should walk into the room but my friend Max. Now, Max is not the brightest bulb in the forrest, and when it comes to looks, frankly, he is Mr. Nebbish. I hadn't seen Max in months, which is not unusual for him. And what does he have to tell me? For the past eight months he has been dating this guy, an academic, who last
Saturday over an Italian restaurant dinner, proposed to him!!!!!

Now, sweethearts, I am happy for Max. After all, it does prove the above point, that one can get ahead without a vagina. Though gay men, as you know are prone towards using their male one, but let me tell you, darlings, I refuse to, because I want a relationship, not a booty call!!!!!!!

Getting back to the situation at hand--after congratulating Max, I had to admit I was stymied!!!! An academic??? When Max is not the most cerebral or literary creature out there???? I had to wonder--what on earth is the matter with me, and all us girls who ARE
charming, literary, bright, not quite nebbishy, but not Eric Evans, and want the same thing--a relationship--that Max seems to have but cannot find one??????

Is Botox what it is all about? Are we expected to play dumb and offer our asses skywards???
Is this what is called compromise. I ask you, girls, what can all this mean?????

Wiser heads would say you haven't seen what Max is getting, which is true. They would also say I am NOT Max, meaning what I want in a relationship differs from his. I mean, girls, I am SO highly qualified-- I know show music.
I know designers.

I am the essensce of hygenic glamour, which let me tell you some gay men out there could take a lesson from me on. I mean, you don't have to be Miss Porter's, but at least bathe!!!! Me, I have to be Miss Porter's, darlings!!!!!

Is it too much to ask? All I want is a nice, rich Jewish husband and a house in Great Neck. Then I can retire from this career rat race, read all my books, and become an alcoholic!!!!!! At least THEN I would have a reason for becoming an alcoholic!!!! But without a man or a house, there is no excuse in my case.

So stay tuned, darlings! This column will report loud and long about the struggles of the unfulfilled gay man--namely me, darlings!--for a realtionship!

And what of Max? I wish him well, but I will NEVER, EVER stoop to whatever level he was reduced to in order to get a man!! Girls, we should all get them on OUR terms!!!!!!!

Don't you agree, dears????

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Girls, It's Not As Easy As You Think

Let me tell you up front, girls, being gay in New York is not as easy as it seems. Freedom and options come with a price whether that be STD's or discarding your porno sex fantasy notions in favor of reality. Oh, and when I say girls, I mean all you gay guys out there, because from my vantage point the butcher the guy the more inwardly Nelly he is. That's Nelly, not NEELY.

What do you think of this, girls? Two men go out for a two year plus period. They are seen there and about at all the right restaurants. Their sex life may not be perfect, but, hey, you can't have everything. They go to London for a dream of a literary cum theatre trip. The partner calls it their "honeymoon trip" and gives the intended a lovely Victorian night shirt with stripes. I mean, very Cecil Beaton.

Then, just a short time after the two year anniversary, the partner begins to act strangely,
questioning not just the relationship but things he has known about the intended for years, like his penchant for classics and literary ficition, which he then goes on to attack? As well as attacking the intended's friends, whom he has been introduced to, while the intended has not met any of the partner's friends. If, indeed, he had any.

To make matters worse, when problems are recognized and talk begins the intended asks if a break up is desired. This way both can walk away with dignity and no hurt feelings. So what happens? Can you believe this? The partner picks a fight about how they are going to spend the Thanksgiving holiday, and then sends the intended an email saying "I no longer want to have anything to do with you."

Break-up by email? Can you imagine anything more cowardly?

Well, I can girls! Because all of this is exactly what happened to me? Why? Becauase I failed to read signs I did not want to read, and because gay men overall are more coldfooted than their straight coutnerparts when it comes to committment.

I mean, this is just the tip of the iceberg. In their never ending quest to find a relationship, not just get laid, gay men face as much agravation as their straight female contemporaries andt then some!!!!

Everyone says don't for love and it will come. But what happens when you stop looking and it doesn't come. It seems the answer is more gay men need to outgrow their inwardly adolescent behavior before love will find its proverbial way.

Girls, We Just Wanna Have Fun!!!!!!

Darlings, last night the "Sex And The City" screening was so much more exciting than I could have imagined. Let me say first and outright that I AM Miranda. I have her intellectual brilliance, and as my friend with me said, "You are uptight enough." He got that right!!!!!

I am telling you, when Carrie gave Louise the Louis Vuitton bag, I went wild. And when I saw the store door with the name Diane Von Furstenberg on it I screamed! I SO want a Louis Vuitton bag! And a Diane Von Furstenberg original.

Darlings, SATC is what all us gay men want--to be THIN, GORGEOUS, BRILLIANT, HAVE
GREAT SEX--in fact, pretty much what we do anyway. So girls, as I have not realized it till now, this blog will become not only my SATC but an SATC for all gay men. Women are invited to join in.

You think I haven't done the sex clubs? The sex parties? Honey, from 1990 till 1996 I was on the circuit!!!! And darlings let me tell you orgasm leads to exhaustion, which is why I stay at home, read my literature and do facials!!! Like all you girls out there--or that is what you should be doing, girls.

So stay tune, girls. Straight women have Candace/Carrie! Gay men have Michael/The Raving Queen!!!!

Love to all, girls!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Girls, We Have To Get Over This "Sex And The City" Nonsense!!!!!

Darlings, just what are we girls supposed to do? Now that SATC has arrived in movie theaters thousands of those of us who are impressionable, and even those of us who have been around the track are going to be disillusioned over their lives not being defined by the gospel according to Carrie Bradshaw. Well, sweethearts, let me tell you, as far as I am concerned my sex in the city outdoes Carrie and even Samantha's by leaps and bounds. Not just because I know all the fetishes--bet Candance Bushnell and Carrie Bradshaw don't know what FF means--but because in addition to such there is substance and abundance in the way I live my life. I mean, I read books, darling. And not just trash. But serious literature from Jonathan Franzen to Jonathan Safran Foer to Proust. When does anyone in the world of Carrie read?? And what do they read? Fashion ads for products that will become outdated as soon as they buy them? Leading them to buy even more which is what the fashion industry counts on--the gullibility of its customers????

Sweethearts, instead of bemoaning the fact that your life is not "Sex And The City" do what so many of us do instead--look around at the reality of your life and create your OWN SATC. Because it is YOURS it will have more meaning for you than trying to ape Carrie.

As Blanche du Bois said, "I don't want realism, I want magic."

That magic is obtainable if we stay true to ourselves. In Blanche's parlance, you CAN
make enchantment!!!!!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Girls, "Valley Of The Dolls" Goes Great With Coffee!!!!!

Girls, on Sunday mornings there is nothing better than curling up on my luxurious divan in my pink peigenoir watching the screen classic "Valley Of The Dolls." I am telling you, darlings, I AM Neely!!!! Not since Sergei Eissenstein pioneered the Odessa steps sequence in "Potemkin" has the art of montage been used so faitfully. Start with Neely's Rise To Star Montage, from her alarm getting off, to a "Star Is Born" type trio number that even Judy Garland might have thought a litltle stagy, to marriage. Not to mention Barbara Parkins head turns and twists as the Gillian Girl. What more could one ask for on a Sunday morning. And when Patty Duke finally crashes in the gutter, we all want to cry out NEEEEEEEEEELY O'HAAAAAAAAAARAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and let me tell you, girls, our Sunday morning is complete. Who the hell needs Charles Kurault, anyway?

Girls, Jackie (Sussann) told our lives the way they are! This film is my autobiography! And without coffee it is incomplete. Hell, take a doll with the coffee and blast off!!!!
Get high, girls!!!!!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Girls, Teach Your Daughters To Call Their Men "Big Boy!!!"

Girls, from the time I was knee high I found the surest two words guaranteed to get a man to give me what I want were--"Big Boy." So successful is this phrase that a burger chain is named after it.

Just try it out--"Oh, big boy!" "Buy me that at the store, big boy!" "Give it to me all you got, big boy!" Soon you will have everything your heart desires.

"Buy me that house in Great Neck, big boy!"
"Buy me that Van Cleef and Arpels garnet, big boy!"
"I need a new Prada purse, big boy!"

See how much power you can exert over your man with these two words. And think of the results--you will get EVERYTHING you want!

So remember when raising your daughters, girls--the first words out of her mouth should be "Big Boy." Then she will be set for life.

Just like me, girls!!!!!!

Girls, Why Can't You Experience The Radiant Incandescence of "Juno?"

What is wrong with you girls? "Juno" is the freshest most enlightening film in years and Miss Ellen Page is a true star who is sure to be in the pantheon with Meryl. She's young? So what!
She's smart; damn right, she is intellectually brilliant and she is not afraid to play characters who have such, dark or otherwise. If one cannot experience the radiance of "Juno" and Ellen Page, perhaps you aren't ready for building blocks.

Darlings, we all want to be like Ellen Page, a role model for the intelligensia. We want to look like her, dress like her, wear our hair like her. Girls, she is the model young womanhood sorely needs. Forget Brtiney, forget Paris Hilton this is the Page Age and Ellen is the most stunning bearer of this surname since the late great Geraldine Page, whose career hers will be on a par with darlings!!!!!!

Wise up, girls! Do you want to end up an uneducated beautician slut? Because that 's what you will do if you do not heed the brilliance of Miss Page.

Love to all my girls!!!!!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Happy Anniversary, Girls!!!!!

Darlings, today we, this blog are one year old today. Who would have thought we would have survived. From Diana Vreeland to "Cold Case," it has been a year filled with all sorts of bedevilment--and who knows what the following one holds???? But congratulations to you and all my girls who are resonsible--good God am I turning into Sibyl????? Or Sally Field???? Anything but that, even if she does have two Oscars.

So here is to the second year of this blog and hopes for a man and maybe a house in Great Neck!@!!!!

Love you all, darlings!!!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Girls, You Cannot Underestimate The Importane Of Proper Eye Shadow Applique'!!!!!

Girls, what a March it has been--from Lion to Lamb and back crammed with Lent, St Pat's, Palm Sunday, Holy Week and Easter! Tomorrow, girls, is Spy Wednesday (so spy on someone) St. Jospeh's Day, and of course the day the Swallows come back to Capistrano!!!!!!

More than anything it is important for us girls to keep going, and one way to do so is by proper eye shadow application. I just read that the widely anticipated April release of the "Prom Night" remake (yes , they are redoing the Jamie Lee Curtis) will focus on the killer's motivation as NOT being childhood trauma and a sibling's death by an bunch of suburban brats, but on the telling fact that years before, in childhood, Wendy, who grew up to be the town bitch/whore, would not instruct the killer in proper eye shadow application. What a fucking bitch! Darlings, it is enough to kill anyone, because let me tell you you do not go anywhere outdoors without your eye liner!!!
How you do your eyes can make or break a girl in this world, and "Prom Night 2008" will make it clear to all how this cannot be undervalued.

Meantime, girls, just remember what our doyenne of dance, Miss Donna McKechnie says:
"Get up every morning at eight,
Do your hair, do your face,
Sing your scales,
Limber up at the barre!"

See you at your places, girls!!!!!!

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Girls, Let Us Celebrate The Miracle of Donna McKechnie


I am telling you there is no excuse for such scurilous filth on the Internet. Today I discovered, going back to August 22, 2006 this article on the then forthcoming revival of "A Chorus Line" by this ersatz writer/dancer named Toba Singer. Girls, she has her own website, and she looks like a cow! I am talking Totie Fields, only without the true artistry that was Miss Fields.

This two ton Tessie Tura has the nerve to criticize Donna McKechnie. How many shows have you stopped, Toba? How good do you look in a red skirt? And just how flexible is that body of yours?

It seems to me Singer is the one with the fixation--on Priscilla Lopez. She goes on to talk about she and Priscilla studied together at the High School of Performing Arts. THEN she has the sheer audacity to committ one of the greatest faux pas in theater history--to violate confidentiality that even Priscilla Lopez has kept all this time as to the true identity of Mr. Karp in "Nothing." I have known many actors who studied there who knew but there was alway a tacit agreement not to reveal him. And so we get it first hand from Tubby Toba!!!!

Says how she studied dance with Phil Black. Sweetie, didn't we all. So did Trini Alvarado!
According to Toba what "A Chorus Line" is really about is she and Priscilla, and not, as she phrases it "Michael Bennett and his morbid fixation on Donna McKechnie."

Excuse me, Toba? Were you part of the creative process of ACL? Were you a member of the original cast. How dare you claim the show is about you! Honey you couldn't do a time step, let alone walk across the street.

As for Mr. Bennett and his morbid fixation on Donna McKechnie, let me tell you this Michael is fixated for the same reason as the other Michael--we both respond to Donna's emotionally impassioned style and artistry, the perfection of that bodily symmetry that, darlings, you know we all want to have, but which only Donna can own!!!!! Donna is a true miracle; while at home recuperating from a shoulder disc slip up and listening to her CD, I heard that inner voice of Donna that all us dancers hear say "Honey, if you can get on your feet--dance!" Before I knew it I was dancing "The Music and The Mirror" full out and feeling no pain!!!!!! The miracle of Donna is how she reaches all artists whether she is present or not. How many artists has Toba Singer reached? With the piece she has written she is sure to alienate more than she will reach.

Michael Bennett, God love him, had a reputation for being a theatrical bitch, but he is no longer with us. But THIS Michael is still here, so let me speak for him--Miss Singer if you say one more scurilous thing agst Donna you will learn from me the true meaning of the word B-I-T-C-H.

Hope everything is beautiful at your ballet, darling!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Girls, We Just LOVE Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid!!!!!

"You're soaking in it.
Relax, it's Palmolive!
Really mild?
And it softens hands while you do the dishes."
--Jan Miner as Madge the manicurist

Girls, who would have thought that Palmolive would pave the way for the fashion industry
and Hollywoood? The other night while washing my dishes with said product I noticed how
the color clearly resembled Keira Knightley's gorgeous "Atonement" gown. Darlings, I am
convinced the costume designer of "Atonement" was inspired to create the gown while
washing dishes with Palmolive! If only Jan Miner were here to see how Madge paved the
way for fashion iconography.

So, girls, scrub up tonight with Palmolive as it points you the way towards Hollywood
glamour. And the next time you bitch about housework, think about what product could
be the next trend setter. Maybe Clorox????

Love you all, girls!!!!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy VD Day, Girls!


Ever stop to wonder that the initals for Valentine's Day are VD??? What is that about, hmmm? Are the Christian right using this day to protest promiscuous sexual practices by scaring the bejesus out of its youth. Because I am here, girls to tell you on Valentine's Day to love, love, love,
whether that is curling up with your honey, a DVD of "Fatal Attraction" or dinner for two at a romantic hot spot like One If By Land Two If By Sea. Girls, I vote for the latter except no man to take me, nor even the prospect of one. Huhhhhh...........

Nevertheless girls I am out on the prowl tonight, a walk on the wild side to get some VD of my own...but only the right kind!

Later, girls!!!!!!

Friday, February 8, 2008

Girls, Sometimes We Want To Be Nurse Ratched!!


Don't you just love Louise Fletcher as Nurse Ratched? With that vampire hair style and institutional white uniform look she is the bitch we sometimes need to be. Just love to control our inmates and make them squirm. In fact Louise makes a career of making us squirm; just adore her as Grandma Olivia, who slaps Christine silly and then cuts her hair in the name of sin in "Flowers In The Attic," not to mention her star turn as science teacher Mrs. McKelchy in the 1986 remake of "Invaders From Mars" where she devours a frog in front of her students. My high school science teachers deserved to eat far worse!!!!

Girls, we need to get in touch with our inner bitch sometimes, and thank God we have Louise Fletcher to channel us into it. So have yourselves a Louise Fletcher film festival this weekend and pay tribute to one of filmdom's top ranked bitches!!!!!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Girls, How Is One Supposed To Entertain Without A Full Staff!!!!

I mean, darlings, come on!

Last night I was forced to entertain my vastly intellectual book group singlehandedly. Girls, it shouldn't happen to us. This kind of entertaining went out with the dark ages of Ozzie and Harriet? Do you think Janice and Annette entertain without a staff? How about the Bouviers???
Even Patty and Selma!!!!!

Girls, at least the evening was a success. But I needed an attractive male something in a tux to answer the door, another to serve in the kitchen dressed as a French maid--in this case wearing a jock strap-- another to take my phone calls and maintain my appointments, and another to see to my window treatments and seasonally change the shower curtains. Is this too much to ask?

But darlings the discussion flew! Everything from Miss Havisham to politics!!!!! And don't forget the clean up crew afterward, all of whom are attractive men who look like the cast of Harold Craig's 2001 classic "Pumped Up." If my curtains aren't cleaned when I order them someone is going to get more than pumped!

Don't we just love being a bitch, girls! Now THAT is what' fun! The milk of human kindness flows in my veins! See you later, girls!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Girls, Those Fingernails!!!!!!!


Alas with a new year comes also a slew of deaths and we have had our first major death of the year--and it is a sad one: none other than Malia Nurmi, known to a generation of us as "Vampira!" She died of natural causes at 86 but the sadness of her passing is the elimination of another key memory of the baby boomer generation. Girls, I can't tell you how I thrilled to her appearances in "Plan 9 From Outer Space" (featuring Dudley Manlove!!!!!) on "Chiller Theater on Saturday nights, where I saw such iconic classics as "Daughter of Dr. Jekyll" and "She Demons." As for Vampria, how I wanted to look like her! I mean, that waistline!!! And those fingernails!!!! I still want those fingernails!!!!!

Vampira and Brad Renfro--the River Phoenix death of his generation--have already embedded themselves in 2008's history as its first prime death. Now girls let us all embed ourselves in facial cream and get ourselves beautiful--use those gift certificates at Georgette Klinger--because spring is coming and darlings we have to be ready with our Easter Bonnets and then our bathing suits by the Beautiful Sea!!! This bathing beauty is always ready to be saved by a hunky lifeguard and whisked off to Great Neck!!!!!

Oh do it to me big boy!!!!!!!

Love you all, Girls!!!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Happy New Year, Darlings

Girls, I simply couldn't write yesterday, what with gadding about seeing films and drinking Bloody Marys not to mention sleeping off those from earlier the night before. Yes it is 2008 and girls we are looking forward to fun, fashions and books. We are also looking ahead to a husband and a Tudor house in Great Neck. Girls, this girl wants to fly from the land of carbon paper to the land of flowered chintz, because let me tell you twelve days away from the workplace makes me reluctant to deal with all the bullshit I will have to when I get back. I don't mean the work itself--I mean people who are so frustrated they see themselves as managers of capability that they are NOT and blame everyone and everything else around them on it instead of themselves!!! Girls, this bitch has had it with these bitches and 2008 may just be the year where I tell these losers what they need to hear!!!

But time marches on; hell we made it through one day already so we just keep marching to the
other 300 plus more. So let us welcome 2008 and overcome those obstacles we will have to deal with. Who knows, they may disappear on us and isn't that a nice thought!!!

Cheers, Girls!!!!