Thursday, December 31, 2009

Auld Lang Syne, Darlings, Auld Lang Syne!!!!!

Well, girls, these are the last words you will hear from me in 2009, and thank God for that. Kiss this year goodbye, and point me towards tomorrow. Not that all was done for love, but a lot wasn't, including dealing with some fucking sons of bitches whom I hope vanish in some way during the coming year. But that is just me being a bitch, darlings.

What have we learned from 20009? Well--

1. That I am SO FABULOUS darlings. I am telling you, SO FABULOUS!

2. That while Grotesque Creatures still exist, and got something of a downfall during 2009
they can and will be destroyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. That if Jennifer Jones--Jennifer Jones, darlings-- can die, what chance do the rest of us have?

4. That Meryl Streep and Amy Adams are DIVINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. That Julie Powell taught us that men can reclaim the kitchen for themselves!!!!!!!!11
6. That The New York Times is no longer the arbiter of literary taste, as they proved this
year they don't know kiss-all about it. The arbiter from now on is MOI!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. That the older one gets, girls, you cannot be without your compact!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. That I need a husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. That fools are not to be suffered gladly!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. And that you are all my fabulous girls out there, so a happy 2010 to ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

That is about it, darlings! Have fun and be safe whatever you do this evenings, and remember I will be here for another year to guide you through not only my life but what you can do about yours, darlings!!!!!!

Happy New Year, Loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Darlings, This Is A Special Anniversary Of Sorts!!

Girls, as might be expected, it is an anniversary, only I would know, since it is all about moi. Few things on here are not, darlings!!!!! It goes back 45 years, when I was in fourth grade and in that bitch Norma Brodsky's class. Norma Brodsky, who could not deal with a student of superior intellect in a class full of dummies, and who had not comprehension on how to deal with a child who was ready for Dickens and Melville, as I was that year, darlings. And I had already gone through the entire Childhood Of Famous Americans series. Well, on this day 45 years ago, began a phase of life that still continues, lambs; it is when I got my first pair of glasses. Girls, it was so exciting--first of all, because it was a new accessory, and even at that age, darlings, I recongnized the importance of accessorization. I told you I was ahead of everyone else. It also made me feel intellectual, because back then I thought only intellectuals wore glasses, and Iwanted to be among the intelligensia. Of course, TODAY I know that is not true; some of the world's prize dummies wear glasses. Neverhtless today I have been wearing them for 45 years.

Some readers, having gleaned my darker passages, feel I have a chip on my shoulder. Let me clarify that, darlings. I have NO regrets about the post high school phase of my life, but have bitter eternal resentment towards those first twelve years, and how they were handled. The consequences, of course, were that, had they been handled better, had I been accorded the treatement I SHOULD have, I would have gone farther in life than I would, and would by now have the fame and adulation I crave. But I am not dead yet, darlings, which means I am not going to stop craving it, until I get it, and you can complain all you want about this chip on my shoulder, but let me tell you, lambs, I will bitch you down until you are dead. So go on, hons, bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It looks like I am going to clock out at only 107 or 108 books for 2009, which is down from last year's record breaker of 114. But a new year begins on Friday, and as Grace Slick said at Wooodstock, "It's a new dawn!"

See you at auld lang syne, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Well. Girls, I Am Back....Sort Of!!!!!!!!!!!!

The year is winding down, darling, and of course things are still not running smoothly. Have to try to have my endocrinologist phone in a perscription for thyroid med, or I am going to have to go to his office tomorrow to beg for one! "The Lovely Bones," which I considered seeing a second time, may no longer be playing at Linclon Square, so to hell with that. And I have been laid up for two days; Sunday with the trip from Hell back to NYC, and then a migraine/sickness the next day, which meant cancelling a dental appt. So now I am blogging, have got to get something in my stomach, and then high tail it into the city. Darlings, I hope all this drama does not bode for 2010; this year was rough enough, I do not need more!!!!!

And New Years Eve! It may just be dinner with the Girls at Good Stuff, and that is it!!!! When you have no husband, what is the alternative? But, darlings, I am not giving up because I know, girls, I am still fabulous, and someday it will be rewarded. In the meantime, I have to run, because there is just so much to do today that I will have to get up at my usual work time tomorrow. So much for vacations being relaxing; though, at least I am not dealing with Grotesque Creatures!!!!!

Happy Countdown, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Darlings, Bieber Is A Bitch!!!!!

That's right, girls! Bieber, not beaver. I am talking about the Bieber bus company, which brought me down here to King of Prusia PA, and was supposed to take me back home to NYC, and still might, only we do not know when. The latest hopeful sign is a 6:10 express, which will put be back in the city at the standard 8:10, which puts the prospect of Dignity and choir pretty much out of reach this week. But if those two rude bitches working the King of Prussia office had had their act together, and not so much ATTITUDE, this could have been avoided, and instead of driving back and forth to the bus stop all day, we could have planned an extra day hear, knowing I would not be leaving till 6:10 PM. Well, I sure will next time, that is IF Bieber is still running things, because, dolls, when I get through complaining they may not be. And those two scabs are going to be fired if I have anything to say about it. I am telling you, you do NOT mess with a New York City bitch, and believe me I am one NEW YORK CITY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

So let's hear a bitch for Bieber, the bitchingest of bus companies! And that is not a compliment, darlings.

Hope to see you in New York, loves!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Am Coming Back, Like Dolly Levi!!!!!!!

Well, girls, please God--help!--this afternoon I should be enroute back to New York, which hopefully will get me there in time to sing in the choir, which needs my show stopping Broadway voice, lambs, to carry on. And won't James look SO pretty????? I am telling you it has been quite a holiday, what with children, "Sherlock Holmes," and Santa Baby, while not slipping a sable or a man under my tree, slipping enough under there to make it a worthwhile Christmas. And now back to the dentist tomorrow--ugh--and then a whole week to blog with my girls, and put some cleaning touches on the apartment, and fill the kitchen with an assortment of dishes. Now I have mastered wine opening, I am ready for beef bourgenon and chickens awx champignons!!! So watch out, darlings, I am still on the lookout for a husband, and armed with the ammunition to get one.

Completed "Wolf Hall," which is book #105, and now working on #106, which is "Orlando" by Virginia Woolf. Just do not think I will make it to my record breaking 114 last year, but let us hope I can make it to some movies and a hair appointment, girls!!!

So this is my last missive to you in PA, loves. When next you hear I should be back in the nabe, armed and ready to go!!!!!!

Happy Holiday Week, loves!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Girls, We Have Survived To The Morning After!!!!!!!!

Darlings, what a charming time it was!!! The roasted vegetables were the sensation of the day, and les petits enfants were aglow with the joy of the Christmas Holiday. Girls, I want to remind you that soap stains your skin while DOVE creams your skin, so use that beauty bar, darlings, to keep that skin nice and creamed. But not like creamed onions.

Are we ready to wind down? Not yet, what with some books to finish, a movie to see, and let me tell you, down here in this suburban neighborood, you might as well be the set of "The Lovely Bones." How many George Harveys are around here, I wonder? Hmmm? How about that, lambs?

But enjoy the day, and when I get back to New York, believe me, as Grace Slick once said at Woodstock, "It's a new dawn!"

Merry post-Christmas loves! And don't forget it is the anniversary of when that bitch Patsy killed her beauty queen daughter Jon Benet Ramsey!!!!!!!

Toodles, loves!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas, Darlings!!!!!

Well, girls, here we are, the Festive Christmas!!!!! No stopping it from coming it came, as the Grinch says. Girls, we are looking forward to our celebration, to the fact that we all have made it through this year to another Christmas, and to the presents, and the arrival of les petits enfants, which, girls, after a visit with them, will make me feel SO glad I am homosexual, and cannot have children!!!!!!

But a Christmas greeting to all my readers out there; I love you all, and know you just love my fabulousness, darling. Here is hoping I can activate some changes will I return to NYC --even a Catholic singles group, if it will land me a partner!!!! There has to be someone out for me, and that is my most fervent Christmas wish. So in the meantime, cuddle up to those you do have and cherish them, while I drink my spinsterhood away via a bottle of Dom Perignon!!!!!
Merry Christmas, loves! And yes I am posting this dressed in my red plaid flannel nightie!!!! Picture that, girls!!!!! Darlings, I am SO GOROGEOUS!!!!!!

Love to all, my lambs!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Soon It Will Be Christmas Eve, Darlings!!!!!!!!!

It has arrived, girls, which means tonight I curl up in front of the fireplace in my red plaid Christmas flannel nightie, sipping coffee, eating cookies, reading Jane Austen by the fireplace...and , honey, you better believe this is how I do Christmas Eve. Don't forget watching Midnight Mass from St. Patrick's this eve, after attending our own personal Christmas mass at St. Teresa's, where the baby Jesus, darlings, FINALLY makes his debut. And isn't he cute???? It would just warm the cockles of the heart of Father Guido Sarducci. My heart will be warmed by the festive holiday cheer, and the hopeful possibility that I may not be alone all my life; hell, this was starting to lift, as soon as I arrived yesterday, dolls, so you better believe that Christmas Eve is special. So have yourself a Merry, loves, and I will make a special effort tomorrow to post a SPECIAL Christmas Day blog, dressed in my red flannel nightie, while I do it. Picture that, girls!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Have Travelled Down The Dixie Sunny Shore!!!!

Well, girls, not really, but here we are in the Keystone state of Pennysylvania, where, by the way, darlings, they filmed "The Lovely Bones," so watch out, all you PA'ers, for guys in your neighborhood who gives you a dollhouse for Christmas. Sweetheart, let me tell you, I never played with dollhouses. It was strictly Colorforms--Miss Cookie's Kitchen, and the Debbie Reynolds Dress Designer Kit, loves.

But in any case, we are here, ensconced in a snow filled suburban landscape, where my father, at 94, is reigning with difficulty, as he tries to maintain his Irish independence over anyone else.
Can you see now, girls, why I need a husband. My young nephew, Matthew, and his lovely wife, Cyndi, are here and I have to get them to teach me to open a wine bottle, because cooking with wine is the final phase in my Amy Adams/Julie Powell culinary journey, and I have got to make th goddmned beef bourgenon and chicken aux champignons!!!!!

So let's all have a fabulous holiday season, and hope that thing turn around in 2010. And be sure to avoid all social deviants, darlings--no one who is NOT a Miss Porter's graduate!!!!!

Happy Holidays, loves!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Girls, The Countdown Has Begun!!!!

Well, darlings, we have finished our Christmas shopping, still have to pack, clock it out of here tomorrow at noon, and all while nursing the fact that another year looms and no propsect of any real change--ie; a partner. I have even tried drug addicts and bipolars, all to no avail. And I have had no luck with more stable types, either. I mean, what is wrong with me? Even serial killers, like John Gacy, have been married, and I sure as hell ain't no serial killer, honey!!! So what gives. I am beginning to feel what is the point of going on, if I am going to wind up alone. I mean, after my father, and my sister, what is left? Would you believe I had therapy this morning? You wouldn't, girls, after reading this!!!!

What is the answer? A trip to the hair salon is a temporary fix. Maybe I should just pull up stakes and move somewhere else--like London, or Ireland. Hell, I wish some religious order would take me; I would be less alone there. If I do not lick this thing in 2010, I do not know if I can go on.

Nevertheless, I am reading and blogging and keeping all you girls informed. My panties are clean, and I am ready to pack tonight. I have all my meds, which from the above you better believe I have!!!!! Now if only I can jump start my emotional state. I DO NOT ACCEPT BEING ALONE!!!!! Even addicts live in a halfway house!

Things just better improve, girls, or drastic steps will be taken. In the meantime, I am going to wish you all the best, and hopefully, girls, a big Christmas blog from me on the 25th!!!!!! I may be down, but you are still my girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Girls, I Am Not Through Yet!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, darlings, tributes from all over the world continue to pour in for Miss Jennifer Jones. I had a phone call yesterday, darling, only was not home to receive it. Now, let me enlighten you out there on why Miss Jones' passing is so cataclysmic.

You have to understand, darlings, in the war ravaged America of 1943 appeared suddenly this film of inspirational beauty, entitled "The Song of Bernadette." Playing the title role was Jones, who seemingly sprung out of nowhere, and out of nowhere gives a performance--GIVES A PERFORMANCE, DARLINGS!!!-that breaks new ground in film acting with its internalization, and paved the way for future actresses, such as Meryl Streep! That's right, honey, Meryl owes a lot to Jennifer Jones, and you better believe she knows it!!! As do all of us who were influenced by her, wanting to look like her, wear her hair like her! Darlings, she defined beauty for well over a half century!!!!! I still boil rose petals, girls!!!!!

But I am going to be boiling mad if I don't get my Christmas shopping done, something in my stomach--food, lambs, not a man--and books read, presents wrapped, clothes packed--girls, even on vacation it never stops!!!! Not to mention I need some hot action, but fat chance of that!!!!! And yesterday, we saw "The Hurt Locker" and let me tell you how disturbing it was!!!!
The war, the violence, and then Jeremy Renner's hunky man chest!!!!! He can straddle me anytime, girls!!!! Anyway, time is a wasting, this is supposed to be the shortest day of the year--like I can tell?--so I better get busy. In case I am off here for awhile, I want to wish a special Christmas wish to all my girls, heat up that Yule Log and get those fires going!!!!!

Shop until we drop, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Darlings, There Is So Much To Report!!!!!!

Well, girls, on this, the third day of this new post-Jennifer Jones era, let me tell you about the first time I saw "Since You Went Away." Oh, my God! When I saw the famous farewell scene at the train station--the GREATEST of all farewell scenes, girls!--I was so tearful and overcome I had to run to the bathroom in hysterics. Just like Jones did on the set of the film, which demonstrates that even in life we were channeling each other, darlings.

I am also here to report that last night's Annual Christmas Party went off surprisingly well in spite of the remarkably subuded tone compared to other years. There were no free for alls--too bad, in one respect--but things did get a little Tolkeinesque, what with Grotesque Creatures lurking about. Fortunately, they did not step out of their primordial lairs and cross those of us they dare not cross!!!!!! And while I did not quite feel like Donna McKechnie as Vivien Della Hoya, it was lovely seeing old familar faces, and let me tell you, darlings, the debut of Red Velvet Cake at this party was a definite highlight. Girls, if --only IF--my wedding is held, Red Velvet will be my wedding cake, because it is just like me--white and pure on the outside, and sizzling red on the inside. And don't forget my Vera Wang wedding gown!!!!!

Mr. Mayer looked simply FABULOUS, and wouldn't he make an excellent Lady Bracknell in "The Importance of Being Ernest?" Just as I would make a FABULOUS Miss Prism. I am so glad Miss P got a musical number in the musical "Ernest In Love;" sweetheart, I am ready to take it on!!!!!! Drinks flowed at the party, food was consumed, and a good time was generally had by all, but the absence of the Misses Janice and Annette left us wondering, as this would be the first party NOT to make the Social Register!!!!!! Their abscence left an indelible mark of omission and had guests wondering why--was it a gala? dinner at Anna's? or an evening of reading Walter Scott while listening to Janice's mother recall her ribald days as a Selznick contract player, having lunch with Joan Fontaine at the Brown Derby????? Darlings, what becomes a legend most? Janice and her mother!!!! And the presence of Tema, our Queen of Crudites was very much in evidence, and her spirit will always hover over those crudites; no matter where she goes Tema will always regin as Queen.

There is even more, girls! Do you know what today IS? Well, first of all, 52 years ago tonight "The Music Man" opened on Broadway at the Majestic Theatre and conferred stardom on two performers named Robert Preston and Barbara Cook, and Miss Cook is still going strong, honey!!!! And also this is the birthday of our beloved Jake Gyllenhaal, that happy, smiling Precious Lamb with those SO pretty eyes and smile, and let me tell you, no one is as good as Jake when he is playing bad. And, girls, you know I want to get BAD with Jake!!!!!

So have a piece of Jake cake today and honor his scrumptiousness. Personally, I would like a piece of Jake--and what a piece!!!!--but tonight it is just cake for me, girls!!!!!!!!

Yes, it has been quite a 24 hours!!!! Miss Dinah Washingotn was not kidding!!!!

Toodles, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Darlings, I Am Emotionally Devastated By The Death Of Jennifer Jones!!!!!!

Girls, you better believe I watched "The Song of Bernadette" in penitence on my knees--ON MY KNEES, darlings--as a tribute to one who epitomized glamour coupled with humanitarian causes. I am sure right now Jennifer and Bernadette Soubirous are sitting at a table drinking Starbucks. Bernadette is telling Miss Jones what the movie did and did not get right. One thing I am sure Bernadette is bound to say is "Honey, you were far too pretty to play me!" I am sure they will be joined by Mother Teresa, drinking Pabst and smoking a stokie, dressed in her familar white outfilt with blue trim, but Gucci heels, who will concur with Bernadette, saying to Jennifer, "Let me tell you something, doll! Sainthood ain't pretty!"

Yet in spite of this I must rally and be glamorous like our Miss Jones. I must get into the city, get a bus tkt to PA, do Christmas shopping, read, and then troop uptown to the Annual Workplace Christmas Party, where I will do my best to be like Donna McKechnie as Vivien Della Hoya in "Promises, Promises!" But who knows if this party will be "Turkey Lurkey Time" or a free for all! Inquiring minds want to know, and, girls, I will be sure to report back tomorrow on what went on tonight. So a tribute to Jennifer Jones and watch one of her films over the weekend! And don't forget the rose petals on the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The World As We Know It Has Ended!!!!

Well, girls at around 4PM today I heard the sad news--Jennifer Jones, who stunned the world with her stunning Academy Award winning performance in "The Song of Bernadette" bade farewell to this world, at the age of 90. With her goes another remnant of glamour, and now there are only three left--Janice, Annette and Blythe Danner. That's it. After that, it is goodbye for glamour. I mean, do you think Anna or Grace Coddington could compete with any of these!
I don't think so, girls!

Tomorrow I have the day off, so I intend to watch "The Song of Bernadette" and apply fresh rose petals to my face, which as anyone who should knows, is the official Jennifer Jones Beauty Regimen. I can guarantee you that when she went, her hair and her skin were perfect!!! Make sure yours is perfect at all times, girls, for if Jennifer Jones can die, what does that say about the rest of us??? So we had better be ready; this is a perfect example of why I am telling you how it is always important to look your best and wear fresh panties!!!!! I am going to change mine as soon as I get home, darlings!!!!!

Farewell to one of the truly great figures of our time!!!! The performances and films will live on when the rest of us have shuffled off this mortal coil.

And maybe before then I will have found a husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Let's Get Under That Christmas Tree, And Sing "Santa, Baby!"

....And maybe, just maybe, darlings, he will slip something under that tree. While a MAN would be just perfect, girls, what would be just as good would be peace of mind, because that is what we are in need of this holiday season. And on the eve of the Annual Christmas Party, where who knows what is going to happen, and me having to buy bus tickets, do Christmas shopping, pay bills, and so many other things tomorrow...well, sweethearts, I am telling you it is just too much.

So if we do that vocal rendition and show that we REALLY have been good girls, maybe we will be rewarded. Let us hope one of those rewards is that 2010 is better than 2009. And tonight we have special treats at the Center, and maybe even a little flirtation. You KNOW I will sing "Santa, Baby" there. And that is "Santa, Baby," not "Satan, Baby," so like the song says you better watch out!!!!!! I want a Toyland Town all around my damn Christmas tree, let me tell you!!!!! Bring back the Yule Log, "March of the Wooden Soldiers" and Boogieland!!!!!! And, darlings let us try really hard to fly out that nursery window tonight with Peter Pan!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Darlings, I;m Not Exactly Feeling Like "Gigi", But... least, girls, something from yesterday has lifted. With just two days to go till the Anuual Workplace Christmas Party, tension is high as to whether it is going to be "Turkey Lurkey Time" or a free for all! I just hope Grotesque Creatures keep away.

Lambs, I just cannot believe it! I just took a quiz called "Am I A Bitch?" and would you believe I flunked? I, who was Advanced Placement in school? And I certainly was Advanced Placement Bitch!!!! But I flunked this quz, scoring only a 57! Sweehearts, let me tell you, I am 100% bitch!
If you need me to be a bitch, believe me I can oblige. I got first rate training in Highland Park, New Jersey, from some of the finest bitches I know. It just goes to show these online quzzes are so bogus; hell I would probably score 100% on a serial killer profile, even though everyone knows I am not interested in being a SK, I want to catch one. But perhaps a litte distancing from "The Lovely Bones" is improving my perspective, what with reading the Booker Award Winning
"Wolf Hall" by Hilary Mantel, and then maybe "Orlando" by Virginia Woolf.

And tonight I have to march down to the world famous Malibu, where the elite meet to eat, and then dash over to the Irish Rep Theater to see the musical "Earnest In Love." Darlings, it could make my holiday season. Let's hope it is charming, lighthearted fare, which is just what I need. And all this hysteria can go kiss my ass!!!!! So let me tell you, I have a full program ahead, and I don't plan to stop this anytime soon. As long as my panties stay fresh, I know I will be OK.
Make sure your panties are at their freshest, girls--especially those you pack for the Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Darlings, Sometimes We Just Have To Go To Some Dark Places!!!!

Well, girls, we finished "The Lovely Bones" this morning, and let me tell you, Alice Sebold is not afraid to go to some dark places. And judging from what I know about her previous work, "Lucky" (which I am dying to read, lambs!) and of course "The Almost Moon," you have to hand it to her. So it is not surprising that I go to some dark places to, where I think about death as being more peaceful than this struggle for nothing life--rife with debt, loneliness (no life partner, no relationships even when I try to establish one) going home alone, getting older--how much worse can it get? Cancer, sure; but who knows that could be and is most likely coming. Right now I am so filled with anger for things being white elephanted at work, as well as the prospect of a partner not being anywhere in sight? I mean, what is the point of anything; even this, darlings, which has not netted me the movie or book deal I think I need to land me happiness. Hell, if it landed me someone, anyone--even someone who wanted me for my fame, at least that would be wanting ME. But don't worry; I am not about to travel once more down paths previouisly ventured, a la Chris or Daniel. What I would like to travel down some new path, even if it isn't a path I exprected. At least I would be travelling somewhere. Is it any wonder I want to go one on one with a serial killer, which I probably did last January 6 with that Long Island guy at the Woodside station. And I can still see him, and if he is out there, I will get that sick fuck!!!! See how just burting with anger and rage I am, girls? And here Christopher thinks I am back to my old self, that I've been quiet these past few months. Well, I have....waiting and planning to strike and my own inimitable way, of course. Meanwhile, darlings, I have just started "Wolf Hall" and aren't we thrilled, and I can have dinner with the girls tonight, and who knows maybe there will be a free for all at the meteting tonight. Girls, things have to change, and we will see what happens. Meantime, keep doing your hair and nails becauce the emphasis on beauty can never be streeed enough. Cream your faces tonight, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Darlings, You Can Learn A Lot From A Single Man Living In A House With Flaming Red Front Window Curtains!!!!!!

Yes, girls, you can learn SO much as I found out for myself on Friday, when I caught a 4PM screening of "The Lovely Bones." You learn that if you see such a sight in your neighborhood, you had better pay attention, because behind those curtains lives either a flagrant homosexual , or a serial killer. Personally, I would prefer the homosexual, as there would be the chance of a husband for me, though I would question the taste of one who would put such curtains in the front window; they belong in the bedroom, darling! But behind the curtains in TLB is Stanley Tucci, playing George Harvey, who is just your garden variety, heterosexual, sex sick serial killer. His being straight is a tip off that he has no idea about curtain placement, so right away that attracts or should attract suspicion. Yet Tucci is the best reason to see this bastardized adaptation of Alice Sebold's best seller, because in a frew brief strokes he manages to convey the SK persona, save for living with his mother, which many serial killers do. See, they hate women, but subconsciously get off on control and who better to control than their poor mothers, who they make cook and clean for them their whole lives!!!! I know these sick fuckers, believe me; I have probably dated some, and I am not afraid to take one on. You wanna mess with me, you serial killers? Just try it, because after 26 years of living in New York I do not take crap from anyone, and you had better believe I will psychologically destroy you, and send you to prison, Barbra Streisand or not!!!!!!

Of course, Saorise Ronan, brilliant as young Briony in "Atonement" is the perfect Susie Salmon, and she and Tucci are electric in the pit scene; too bad the crime is not more graphically enacted, whichg would have been a great acting coup for them, truer to Sebold's vision, and better filmmaking overall? But alas, Peter Jackson reduces this to the level of that "Twilight" teen garbage, when I wante a cold, clinical study of a serial killer. You think I can't spot a serial killer out there? I see a serial killer in almost everyone I see, and let me tell you I stand ready to mete out their justice--do to them what they do to their victims. Make them squeal and scream and hear their bones break and watch the blood pour out of their sick, undeserving bodies!!!! And they should be required to register like sex offenders, because if they did I would come after them.

So while "The Lovely Bones" is not good filmmaking, it is, in its own peculiar way, inspiring.
Now get out there, girls, and catch your own personal serial killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, There Is Nothing Like Fresh Panties And Steel Magnolias!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I was thinking this this morning while I was getting dress--nothing beats slipping into a clean, fresh, pair of panties, which you better believe I do every day girls! I mean--used panties--EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! When I get my husband who will work for me, he is going to do the wash EVERY day so that I will always have warm, fresh panties to slip into, and warm, fresh bed linen to curl into EVERY night. Believe me, this husband will be kept busy!!!! As should be the case, girls! And as soon as I find one, believe me, lambs, he will be put to work.

My friend Harvey is a steel magnolia. So too, it seems, is my father, for which I am grateful. I wish to report here that he skirted his hospital stay with flying colors, being put on two new meds, and nothing found in the endoscopy procedure. I mean, at 94, can you imagine! I cannot even imagine making it to 94, especially if I do not have a husband. It is tough enough being such at 55. Bur girl, there is still hope and inspiration to be drawn from these steel magnolias, so, aided by them and fresh panties and linen, we will soldier onward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 11, 2009

FABULOUS Coffee, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, darlings, as you might expect, we got a late start. Did have our fabulous coffee,though, and after I get done here, it is off to the City to see the Metropolitan Neapolitan Christmas tree, which, next to my birthday, really marks another year's passage for me. And that I have lived to see another tree. Then I am going to ATTEMPT to catch a screening of "The Lovely Bones," which could be difficult because it is only playing at one theater--how dumb--and I have some reservations, because Susie's rape and murder is not shown, and I am not sure if the film will explore George Harvey's childhood. Hell, I am not sure what that childhood was, I may have to read the damn book again.

But today is a floating holiday, loves, and if nothing else we will see the tree and then have a meal with the Harvey Girls. And then next week it is Christmas shopping and planning my holiday ensemble, which should take a day or two to throw together, along with my make-up and my moisturizers.

Just adoring Julie Powell's book, and having a fascinataing time learning about meat. I need to cook some. We are almost coming to Beef Bourgenon and Chicken Aux Champignons month, which is January. So watch out, girls, a food frenzy could erupt!!!!!!

Still trying to pursue a man, but no one to entice last night at the Center, and I am going have to call Derek and launch a phone approach. So wish me luck, girls, because time is a running out.
And make sure you keep all your bones lovely, if YOU want to get boned!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Just To Clear Something Up, And Assure Everyone I Am Not A Prostitute!!!!!!!

First of all, darlings, if I were a prostitute, I would be on Sutton Place, and would be the high priced spread, like Elizabeth Taylor in "Butterfield 8." And while we are talking of nice spreads, let me tell you about my other friend John (not the one who was with me at 'Finnian' yesterday) but John the attorney who woke me up yesterday morning. I had asked John to be one of the ticket takers for the show, but as you know he was unable, due to a committment that day. Nevertheless, the man has a way with words that the U.S. Court of Appeals could not begin to fathom, or even remember, those nasty old coots, and that skill of John's put me at ease. And he does have one of the ten best posteriors I have seen. So that is who the other John is, girls, I would not want to confuse you all.

Seems like I am the one confused. Here I am at my office, blogging away, looking at the work schedule for today, and here I am FREE today. Maybe I can catch Jake in "Brothers," have a nice meal, and read more of the new Julie Powell book--more on that later. And after talking to my sister last night, it is clear my father is not going to Judy's, because he is still hospitalized, where he is having an endoscopy this morning, so who knows what else is next? I still have to go downstairs and see if there is a reserve book for me--please, "Wolf Hall!"--and then I will be out and about, darlings, and you will not be able to keep up with me on the road. Or I could go home and make a chicken aux champignons with asparagus!!!!!! Then tonight it is the Center Library, where I have to buy Mike a chocolate soda, and attend the Reading Group, so I can my vote in for some real, not ersatz, literature, and bat my eyes at tender little Derek!!!!

Yes, we are busy, girls, and no let up in sight! But this is just to let you know what is going on, and that you are all loved. Now, about Julie Powell. According to her book, she is getting more loving than a body has a right to deserve. Honey, I could have told her about "D", because I have been out with so many of his gay male equivalents, and let me tell you, they are all SCUM!!!!!!!! I would like to find the gay male equivalent of Eric, who sounds like a dream, and you can bet I would not cheat on him. And of course I want a book/movie deal, which is what this is all about, anyway, lambs, so let me say that, while I adore Julie's book, it is a little triggering. I am up to the pig slaughter part, which I have a feeling is going to rival both Upton Sinclair and Brian De Palma, so I am braced.

And lastly, about being a prostitute. Girls, even if I wanted to, at my current age (55), and despite my relatively youthful looks, I would be lucky if I could scrape together twenty bucks from some toothless gramps going down on me in the bushes behind Doughboy Park in Woodside. Things have happened in those bushes, let me tell you. Not to me, of course. But that Doughboy statue there has seen more action than I have of late, certainly. But then I am not Amy Adams. Not that I want to be pregant; I would just like to get boned!!!!!

But enough with what I don't have. It is time for me to go out with what I do have, so sweeties you have yourselves a fabulous time, and bear with me because come Hell or high water I am going to walk down that aisle!!!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Meryl or Amy gave me away????

See you, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Darlings, Things In Glocca Morra Were Never Like This!!!

Well, girls, we had quite a day, but it was not the day we expected. Actually, things really began 36 hours before. Now, we all know Amy Adams is pregnant, right? Well, I was so excited, I decided to email my friend Tom (the cherub) the news. Well, he was thrilled, too, but imagine my shock when I was told he had been laid off from his job the week before. This is unfair of Capitalism to Cherubs!!!! It is Cherub Discrimination, and I for one want you to know I am against it. But we still had the show to look forward to. And I must say Tom is handling the whole thing admirably--acting like he is on a vacation, which, in a sense, he is, and planning to enjoy the Holidays in spite of it. As am I.

THEN it began. Just before leaving work yesterday, I get an email from my sister, saying something had happened with our father, and she would message me at home. I knew then and there that I would have to start hunting for ticket takers to this show--there were two others--and I thought of Tom immediately. When I got home to my spacious apartment, darlings, there were two messages--one from my nephew Jonathan, tellinng me not to worry, and another from his mother, my sister, detailing what happened.

It seems that in the wee hours of the previous morning, my father experienced chest pains--he has done so before. And like before he did not tell anyone until it was too late for active action. So he and my sister spent last night in the hospital ER, after he was shipped there by ambulance, where he was, of course, admitted, and their trip was cancelled. I am sure I will have more info when I get home tonight, but I have just GOT to say--HONESTLY, every time something like this is planned with my father, it turns out, due to health or weather, he cannot make it. Which makes me wonder if he really subconsciously WANTS to in the first place. Which pisses me off, and disappoints ME, because this was a first rate production of a show that has not been revived on Broadway since 1947, and with a gorgeous score, and voices and production values to match, it was just about perfection. And at 94 it would have been good for him to have gone out with seeing a winner on Broadway. I am telling you, if he goes to Judy's tomorrow I will be furious!!!!! But we shall see. At least Tom and John enjoyed "Finnian's Rainbow," and at least I was able to get John as a third ticket taker. Too bad for me John has David for a partner, because I would go out with him. Alas, a spinster blogs.

This morning I was awakened out of a sound sleep, where I dreamt I was visiting Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep, when there was a knock on the door, and in bounded my friend Audrey--whose Chanukah party we are attending on Sunday, darlings!--bearing gifts. What is that all about, I wonder. I had offered John a chance to see the show, but he was unable, being his office Christmas luncheon was being held that afternoon, but the man has a way with words that the courtroom does not even know about, and honey, we talked!!! I felt so relaxed afterwards, I was able to have my coffee, and face the challenge of today, where I succeeded in using all the tkts. Now I have to face the challenge of what I am going to hear at home tonight!!!

Girls, it is not easy. And I have not even begun to Christmas shop. But with my floating holiday on Friday, a visit to the MET Christmas tree and maybe "The Lovely Bones" (how cheerful is that?) maybe things will fall into place.

On the other hand, if I end up having to go to PA this weekend, I will NOT be surprised!!!!!

Hope you day was less drama ridden, girls! But if mine were, there would be no blog, and you would have nothing to read? See what being fabulous does for one?????

Cheers to all my darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Well, Girls, It Is Certain!!!!!!

Yes, darlings, Amy Adams--OUR Amy--is pregnant. Which means we are all going to get behind Amy and have that baby with her. Except that there is some DOUBT about the parentage. Most think her fiancee, handsome Darren Le Gerro (and he BETTER be handsome, if he is going out with our Amy, and treat her well) is the father, but I favor the theory that the baby is actually Meryl Streep's. After all, if Meryl wants fo father a child by Amy Adams then she will, because nothing is impossible for Meryl. And wouldn't it be fabulous, girls, if it WAS Meryl's baby? Twice the beauty and talent.

Tomorrow we have a big day what with a snowstorm and family plans--of course--to see "Finnian's Rainbow" with my 94 year old father, I just hope things turn out OK. Just like I hope my love life does, but unfortunately there seem to be these little blips that appear on my life like a radar screen and then disappear but do not materialize. I want my wedding, my gown--by Vera Wang, you better believe it!, and my suburban house in Great Neck Long Island. Am I asking too much, I just want this, and a book and movie deal? And to tell certain people who need to be told off!!!! Alas, tonight it is just dinner with Girls, and then reading and bed. And then people tell me they want my fabulous life!!! Well, honey, it's not for sale, but let me just say--fabulousness comes with a price!!!!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Darlings, We Just Had To Get Out The Flannel Nightie!!!!!!!!!!

Welll girls, you would not believe it, but by the time I got home to my parlor on Saturday night, the temperature had dropped so, the wind was howling like "Wuthering Heights," and I was so frigid I had to warm up with tea and a shower. That is when I made the decision to sleep in my green flannel nightie, and darlings, let me tell you, I felt so warm and toasty. Not nearly as toasy as cozing with a man, but in this instance the flannel would do. I thought some men I would like to cuddle with, particularly Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal, who I hear is just stunning in the movie "Brothers" which I am just bursting at the pants seams to see!!!! And the great acting, too!

Lambs, the word on the street is that Amy Adams--yes, OUR Amy--is pregnant!!!! Now, I refuse to believe this until I hear from Amy herself. I mean, does Meryl know about it? Has anyone talked to her? One thing for sure--IF Amy IS preganat, you had better believe it is an Immaculate Conception because like La Divine Meryl Amy is PURE and is not going to go through that birthing baby stuff!!!! But you just know the baby will be the most beautiful and brilliant, coming from Miss Amy Adams, so until I hear from Amy I will refrain from any more observations, but when I do I will let you know!!!!!

And once again I am in for a long haul at work, thinking next week was my late night, when this evening is!!! Can you believe it???? So I am going to sign off, finish "The Children's Book," and get on with my life. Darlings, we have such a week, what with "Finnian's Rainbow" on Wednesday and the Metropolitan Christmas Tree on Friday, not to mention the possibility of seeing "The Lovely Bones" on opening day--I am telling you, at this time of year it just does not stop!!!!!

So stay tuned and behave, girls! And I promise the minute I hear confirmation from Amy, I will let you know!!!!!!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Darlings, How Am I Suppose To Get Through Life Without Any Cream Sauce????

I would much prefer some cream sauce, girls, but the past week has been a whirlwind of dramatic excitement, because, for starters, lambs, I actually thought I was going to die!!!! That is right. Since early this week I have had this pain under my left arm and around to my shoulder blade, and with my healthy outlook I instantly think heart attack or cancer. I am such an optimist, girls!!!!!! This morning, it is gone. Like a miracle, and I am certainly no Bernadette!!!! A colleague thought it might be stress, which it could certainly be, but maybe it is from too much slumping over a desk, which I have to do, darlings, not just to report to all my loves out there, but which I am required to do in order to get a paycheck. So it could just be physical wear.

And from the week I have had there has been both physical and emotional wear. You heard about the stunning retirement dinner, but you did not hear about the fabulous Reading Group Annual Christmas Party, hosted once again by Adam, with libations supplied by his partner, Joel. Every time I go to this event, I feel like Judy (Garland), girls, because Joel makes the best mai tais and he just piles them on. Judy would have been proud of all I drank--at least four mai tais, some glasses of wine, and two glasses of champagne. I certainly felt a song coming on, I can tell you, though of course Judy could outdrink any of us there. Hell, with her credentials she could have gotten a teaching post at any college of pharmacology in America!!!!!!! But the party was a huge success, and there were so many tasty treats, including this tender little thing called Derek, and wouldn't we just like to treat him to some of our tenderness, girls!!!! Well, as Judy would say, "You gotta have bells that'll ring; you gotta have songs that you sing!" So I will do my best girls.

But it is going to be a challenge. Because last eve, after recovering from the pressure of my week which resulted in a hangover/migraine/virus/all of the above, I still managed to make it out the door, where history was made at the Lincoln Square Barnes and Noble when two bloggers meant face to face--yours truly, girls, and Miss Bloggger herself, Julie Powell. Julie was promoting her new book, entitled "Cleaving--A Story of Meat, Marriage and Obsession," and she was just so charming in her Austin, Texas way, and she even answered my question. Now pay attention, everyone, because this is where the cream sauce comes in. I told her how influential her writing had been to me, as it made me realize that the Kitchen is the LAST chance I have to land a husband; and I have tried EVERYTHING else!!!!! So I asked Miss Julie, what is a sure fire romantic meal to land a husband. She laughed--and so did everyone--and then said a simple steak, with no cream sauces whatsoever. Honey, if Julie says it, I will abide. My original plan had been to feed my suitor into a cream filled stupor and then ravish him. Perhaps things will have to go more slowly. Nevertheless, if I do steak, I will do a good marinade. But Julie was charming and she signed my book, and off I went into the night, happy and content.

It did not stop there, loves. Then I was off to Brooklyn Heights and Gallery Audrey, where
the most fabulous array of paintings were on display by this artist who works with nothing but masking tape. Audrey and company got a full dose of me, darlings, when I announced that one figure, in bondage, looked like a pushy bottom. Now, I am sure many of you out there know what THAT means, and maybe you even are, but I had to explain this to all and sundry, who were hearing a chronicling of the gay S and M scene for the first time, and from someone who--now pay attention, girls, does NOT even participate in it!!!! But I have been around the block and know a few things. Remember, I am more the white gloves with tea and tartlets type. But Audrey's gathering was charming and low keyed in comparison with the night before, which is why, though I enjoyed it, I was wiped out, and said my goodbyes early, because this Cinderella was about to turn into a pumpkin. The party was ground breaking because never have I heard Audrey's father be so articulate; usually the poor man doesn't stand a chance, but he certainly made the most of the opportunity he had, and it was good to hear him.

Have I stopped? Are you kidding? After posting this, I have to complete my errands, head home, call Tom to meet him in the city for a 2:25 screening of "Fantastic Mr. Fox," featuring Meryl as one of the voices, then downtown to dinner with Harvey and the Girls!!!!!!!! Sweeties, you think it is easy being fabulous, but it is not, and when the body crashes, as it did the other day, boy does it crash.

But we are back on top, honeys, and ready for action!!! So stay tuned and pray that I actually get some!!!!!

So long, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Girls, The New York Times Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!!

Well, not really, dears, but let me tell you, the preposterousness of this year's Ten Best Books of 2009 leaves much to be desired. Though let me say at least they weren't taken in by Jonathan Tropper's nonsense, entitled "This Is Where I Leave You." Could you imagine that book sharing the spot with Kate Walbert's "A Short History of Women?" Talk about setting off a war of political incorrectness. And why is there no short history of men? You want to know why, lambs? Because it was done back in the '60s as a caveman sitcom entitled "It's About Time." Let me tell you, "The Little Rascals" was more sophisticated!!!!!

Of course it is as much what is NOT on the list as what IS on it? Where the hell is "The Children's Book," by A.S. Byatt, because, though I am only two thirds of the way through, it is clearly the Literary Achievement of the Year!!!!! And that Lorrie Moore--talking about kissing the Times ass by playing up to the subject matter of the moment--right down to the 9/11 thing, darlings. I am sure you wrote a fabulous book, Lorrie, but so did Colum McCann, and where is he on this list????

Girls, if I published MY list it would outdo the Times with veracity and accuracy. I just might do that little thing, then. So while I am nibbling on tartlets and sipping tea, let me mull over some titles and get back to you. The New York Times, on the other hands needs a high grade colonic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Such Fun We Had Last Night!!!!!!!

Sweethearts, last night retirement gala for our colleague Sara was more than one could hope. The wine flowed freely, resident photographer and successor to Annie Liebowitz, Tema, snapped incessantly, and the speeches were cogent and heartfelt, espcecially during this, to borrow from Dickens, "epoch of incredulity" we live in. You know the event was a success because it was attended by those two social doyennes of New York, Janice and Annette, whose stamp on a party guarantees it is the one to attend!!!! Forget Anna Wintour, girls, this is the duo that sets the social and fashion tones in this town!!!!!

It warmed the cockles of this blogger's heart, and it warmed Sara's, I could tell. But, darlings, I can feel the hands of time closing in. For although I am STILL--yes STILL--professionally 24, I can still remember when Sara's Danny was just a little bitty thing, and now he is all grown up!!!!!! Where has the time gone???? Thank God the price of moisturizer is still affordable!!!! And that I don't yet have to resort to a cream rinse!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Deep In December, It's Nice To Remember....

Can you believe we are already into the 12th month of the year. 2009 is beginning to wind down and I for one will be glad to see it go. Not that there weren't some high spots, but it was a rather difficult time. And while 2010 may be so, at least for now it is an unknown quanitity.

Speaking of the unknown, girls, let me tell you--two Saturdays ago, after getting home from my friend Mike's party, and falling into a stupored sleep, I was awakened by a malignant presence I felt in my room. I turned to the left, and there was this withered looking crone, like the housekeeper from "House On Haunted Hill," glaring malevolently at me. She was in a spinster jumper dress with matching sleeves and socks, something like Kathy Bates' wardrobe as Annie Wilkes in "Misery." She did not seem friendly. Some friends feel I was visited by a ghost--now I ask you, why couldn't the ghost have been glamorous??? I mean, like Ava Gardner? Isn't glamour what I have tried to instill in all of you, my darlings, so you would think the spirit world would respond in kind. Alas. I cannot figure out if this signals my death or what. It certainly signals my love life, which for all intents and purposes is dead anyway, unless I cook a fabulous meal and land a husband. Heaven help me, are you hearing me??? Please, can't you hear me cry? Oh, well, enough with the Janis Joplin.

Tonight I have a retirement party to go to, and I am sure it will be the social event of this work place. And let me tell you, honey, this work place needs a social event, what with Christmas coming up. And tonight they light the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. Girls, I am telling you there is so much going on we hardly have time to curl our hair or do our nails. At least we are not forgetting to moisturize. I should have given some moisturizer to my ghostly vistior--hell, she needed it. Especially since she looked like hell. But we are going to look fabulous, girls; I threw on a new sweater this morning, so don't forget to tune in for a full report of tonight's proceedings, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Girls, You Won't Believe The News I Have To Tell You!!!!!

Some things were just meant to be, I guess. There I was at my computer this morning, when by sheer accident, what should I discover but that Julie Powell herself is going to be at Barnes and Noble across the street from yours truly at Lincoln Center, reading from her new book, "Cleaving--A Story of Meat, Marriage and Obsession." So on Friday two famous bloggers are going to come face to face, and darlings I promise to give a blow by blow account of things right here. What I am hoping Julie can do, in addition to signing my book, is tell me what is the perfect meal to snare a husband, because, honey, whatever she says I will cook it!!!!!

Isn't this exciting? And then after that I head to Audrey's for her gallery showing, and I am telling you this butterfly is scurrying all over the place. Now if I just had someone to scurry with.

Then I understand I am to have a special meeting tomorrow, which is supposedly not bad, but who am I kidding? So we will recount this, girls, it probably has to do with disturbed lesbians, or at least one particularly disturbed lesbian I know. Who happens to be disturbed NOT because she is a lesbian, but just because she IS DISTURBED!!!!!!

I know I have been promising an account of my ghostly visitiation and I will get to that soon, lambs, and in 2010 I want to liven things up here by incorporating ficition. Now don't for a minute think that what you have been reading here all along is fiction, though some may claim that. This is my life, and it is the living truth!!!!! And if you don't like it, try passing the entrance exam at Miss Porter's!!!!

So now I have to get home tonight and figure out what I am going to wear to face Julie on Friday. Maybe there will be vodka gimlets!!!! I need something, darlings, that is for sure!!!! At least a frozen margaritta with salt!!!!!!

Hope all your margarittas are salted, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!