Thursday, November 29, 2007

Girls, We Are All On A Voyage Of Literary Discovery!

Girls, such news!!! Today the NYTimes realeased its ten best books list of 2007 and I am telling you such surprises. Now I can't for the life of me what was on the non-fiction list--something about Iraq, I think--but I can tell you what the fiction picks were--

1.Man Gone Down by Michael Thomas
2.Out Stealing Horses
3.The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolano
4.Then We Came To The End by Joshua Ferris
5.Tree of Smoke by Denis Johnson

I mean, who ever heard of the first two titles? But, girls, if the Times says it is, it is, and so we will read them. The Johnson book won the National Book Award which makes sense, and the Joshua Ferris novel, while good is simply this year's Flavor Of The Month--the young writer the critics like to tout as a Voice each year; the Times has been doing this since 1972 with Joyce Maynard (groan!) and Ferris is this year's choice. He is a better writer than Joyce--so would b monkey be--but his novel did not smack to me of awards calibre. But then no one important listens to my voice, darling, except when it comes to blow jobs, which is why I have this blog, where I can reign supreme!!!!

Sweethearts, we have lots of reading to do over the holiday season if we are going to make 100 books read--I am only up to 88 at this point--so I must do some reading. And as for my friend Vincent who poohs poohs my fiction out of envy--darling I am on a voyage of literary discovery.

So get on the boat, girls and start traveling. Meanwhile I am going to curl up with "The Meaning of Night" by Michael Cox--a surprise delight for those of us who love excursions into Victorianna!

Happy Reading, Girls!!!!

Friday, November 23, 2007

Girls, I Can't Help It If I Am SO Fabulous!!!!!!

"Little brat!
That's what my sister was, a little brat!
And that's why I shaved her head,
I'm glad I shaved her head!"
--Patricia Garland as Judy Turner in "A Chorus Line" (1975)

Girls, how can I convey to you what my week has been like. Everything from a weekend baby christening with the most behaved infant in the world contrasted by the brattiest male toddler this side of Damien The Omen, a birthday celebration, family drama with potential trips to the hospital and health spills....and then you wonder why I am exhausted??? And then to hear all
the Christmas classics ALREADY!!!! It is just too soon!

But Thanksgiving was perfectly low key, with companionship, a lovely movie--Disney's "Enchanted" where Susan Sarandon plays the Wicked Queen all us gay men dream of being, and a lovely dinner at a lovely restaurant. Yes girls the silent movie portion of 2007 is in full gear, which means that from now till things come to a screeching halt on January 2 we are on the go--shopping, socials, drinks, edibles, parties parties is enough to give one pause.

And then the Sam episode on "Cold Case." Girls, I am telling you it is what could have happened to me in adolescence had I acted up. Instead I nurtured decades of bitterness and resentment that I am only beginning to work out now. Makes me want to investigate "Boys Don't Cry" again, or at least "Children of the Corn," where I would have loved to chop up some of the adults in my home town, especially the trash denizens of Goat Alley and Mrs. Santamarina. If she is still alive I hope she chokes!!!!!

Girls, I am such a Holiday Bitch! But it is all in the name of love and compassion and the milk of human kindness just flows in my veins! You are all so cute, my darlings! Stay tuned to this blog for a complete account of ther 2007 Holiday Season--the only truthful and accurate one out there!

Or else I will force feed you all unsweetned oatmeal, like Tallulah Bankhead in "Die! Die! My Darling!"

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Girls, We Have So Many Exciting Career Options!

Teacher. Prostitute. Nurse. Secretary. Librarian. (Wait, don't let's go THERE! Don't even get me started!)

But there are two I want to call attention to for all my darlings--cocktail hostess and hat check girl!

You get to wear a strapped gown showing bare arms and cleavage, your make up done to perfection which you have learned since the days of yore at your Buddy Beauty Vanity by Marx, and you get to hob nob with shady male characters who will show you a good time! Girls, this is what we have all dreamed of!!!!! I mean, look what being a hat check girl did for Madonna! Forget business exectutive--these are the jobs that propel you to fame!

I want to be a hat check girl, and a dance hall hostess so I can star in my own revival of
"Sweet Charity." Girls, this is the program to get with! We are on the cutting edge!!!!!!

Girls, The Christimas Issue Of Victoria Is On The Stands!!!!

Girls, what is "Victoria.?" It is a magazine devoted to the elegance and style of gracious living. Perfect for all us darlings to curl up with in our flannel nighties and kerchiefs on cold winter nights as we sip tea and read our 19th century novels we keep by our bedside.

Of all the 12 issues the two most romantic and importnat are February and December--ie; Valentine's Day and Christmas. And with the advent of this event the holiday season is drawing near. The Rockefeller Center tree is in place. So is the Lincoln Center tree.

The only hit that comes out of this blog is moi, and that's ME, baby!!!! So get that issue, savor those goodies, light that yule log fire and curl up in an evening chair with the issue of "Victoria."

Girls, it will simply MAKE your holiday!!!!!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Mrs. Voorhees Is Mother Of The Year

"Kill her, Mommy, kill her. Don't let her live.
I won't, Jason, I won't.
Get her, Mommy. Get her. She can't hide. No place to hide.
Kill, her, Mommy! KILL HER!"
---Betsy Palmer as Mrs. Voorhees in "Friday The 13th " (1980)

Darlings, these iconic words just warm the cockles of my girlish heart! A mother who stands up for her child; what could be more tender than that? If only Betsy had said those immortal words live for us all to hear last Saturday. The audience would have gone wild.

You just have to love Mrs. Voorhees. Darlings, such androgyny. You can be sure, girls,
stuck out in isolated Blaristown with that butch hair style and white fisherman's sweater, Mrs. Voorhees has never set a single foot near Lord and Taylor in her life! Let alone Neiman Marcus!

No wonder the woman is enraged--a grief stricken loss of child and no access to proper fashions. If she could just have had a therapist and a makeover none of this would have happened. But aren't we glad it did? How about nubile Annie getting her head chopped off in the woods? Or Marcie being axed in her panties after doing a bad impersonation of Katherine Hepburn in "The Rainmaker?" Why can't some men be murdered in their panties??? I cry out sex discrimination!

But there is no discriminating Mrs. Voorhees as one of filmdom's great icons. Wouldn't it fabuouls and informative to have coffee with her and Mary Jo Buttafucco???? We could all talk about hacking up that rotten little slut, Amy Fishuh--a prostiture and a lyuh, lyuh, lyuh!

Makes me long for a machete, girls! Or at least a Manhattan!!!! So cozy up to your TV set on these cold autumnal nights with "Friday The 13th" and pay homage to Betsy Palmer as Mrs. Voorhees!!!!!!

And give that woman a Prada purse!

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Girls, There Is No Underestimating The Value Of A Good Blow Job!!!!!

Darlings, I am appalled at how history has failed to document the importance of this unique act as it relates to the formation of world decisions. From the Declaration of Independence, to the Constitution of the United States, right through to the Clinton administration, it can be said that the world turns not so much on a dime as head and a spoonful of spooge.

Why would I wax rhapsodic about this, girls? Have I recently had an orgasm? One not induced by yours truly? Are you kidding?

Sweethearts, this weekend I had a life altering experience. Saturday I traveled out to famed Blaristown, New Jersey where the original (one and only) 1980 classic "Friday The 13th" was filmed. Not only did we visit all the key locales, we even caught an evening performance of A.R.
Gurney's play "Love Letters," starring "Friday The 13th's" own Mrs. Voorhees, Betsy Palmer!!!!! Betsy was fabulous and after the show the director presented her with a boquet of flowers, stating that November 1 was her birthday and asking us to sing "Happy Birthday." Which we did. Then Betsy did a very gutsy thing. She stepped forward and gave a lovely thank you speech, in which she revealed her true age--81!!!!!! I could not believe it--I thought she was 75 or 77! And MY professional age is STILL 24!!!!!

Earlier that afternooon, we actually drove past Camp No Be Bo Sco, which was used as Camp
Crystal Lake in the film. The gate was open. Dare I go in? You better believe I did, girls, and saw not only the lake and cabins, but...oh it was just too exciting. But when I got to the big cabin, the Camp Office, this Grizzly Adams type guy came out--you know, the kind you usuually see at the Dugout on weekends, and you can bet this guy has probably gone there--to say that while he understood why we were there we could go no further. So we complied. But, girls, I am telling you, if I had just had a couple of minutes alone with this guy and had given him a good blow job, I would have had a personal tour of the camp!!!! Hell, things were so isolated out there, he would have welcomed a blow job, a candy bar, a bottle of wine--anything--and I wouldn't blame him.

My pets, Blairstown is SO quaint and spooky. Picturesque beyond belief with a private school atop a hill, but everything closes down early on the weekend--bookstores shut down at 3, the diner shuts down at 4. By evening the place was dead--I am telling you everyone is afraid of Jason and Mrs. Voorhees!!!!!!

Neverhteless I will not be deterred. Next spring or summer I am returning so I can visit the nearby Land of Make Believe attraction, and then I am going to go back to that camp and service that ranger to get that tour I should have had in the first place, darlings!

They say in Hollywood Edith Head gave good costume. But what if you just give good head?

Think on that one, Girls!!!!!!!!