Saturday, July 30, 2011

Girls, You Could Hear The Audience Gasp!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, the last time I heard a movie audience gasp so palpably was when the camera closed in on Julie Andrews as she did the legendary twirl in the classic "Sound Of Music" opening.

But this was altogether different. Last night, Monsieur and I went to see "Crazy, Stupid Love." In fact, so, it seemed, did most of the Upper West Side, judging from how packed the theater was. With a virtually all-star cast, headed by Steve Carrell, Ryan Gosling and Julianne Moore, we could at least expect to be entertained. And, certainly, we were.

However, honey, let me tell you, that entertainment came as much from the audience as from what was onscreen. First, you could tell a lot about the constitution of the audience from where they sat. The attached straight women--married, or single with boyfriends, who were clearly dragging these guys to this film, sat in the middle. The single straight women sat off to the side, right, while the gay men sat off side, left, and in the back. As we waited for the film to begin, these two delectable twinkies wandered up and down the theater, trying to find a seat. The one in the plaid shirt was especially delectable, but then Monsieur covered my eyes. I can tell you, they were clearly there for Ryan Gosling!!!!!!!!

Basically, it came down to the single straight women being there for Steve Carrell (though I happen to enjoy his work, and think he is cute!!!!!!), the straight guys being dragged by their women were there for Julianne Moore and Marissa Tomei, while the gay men (that is me, among so many others, darlings!!!!) were present for both Ryan Gosling and Julianne Moore.

The most important thing one takes with them, coming out of this film, is that Julianne Moore is STUNNING!!!!! Oh, My God!!!!!!!!!!!! How does she do it, darlings??????? Certainly not with Roberta's skin care products!!!! If we could all look like Julianne, there would be no government crisis, because everything would simply shut down, in a state of delirious delight!!!!!

Mr. Carrell, cute as a button as ever, does his usual Wounded Bird characterization in a style which would make Monsieur's Uncle Ernest proud!!!!!! Girls, we have seen him do it before, and, no doubt, will again, and I do realize he is an acquired taste, like anchovies--one either likes, or not!!!!!!!

But how could anyone NOT like Ryan Gosling????? Once he came on screen, I swooned in my seat!!!!! And not only this--as he has shown on numerous occasions, the man can ACT!!!!! Interesting, seeing him doing an outright comic role--his timing is superb!!!--but one with depth, a sex-crazed Lothario, who turns out to have some soul in the end!!!!! Go, Ryan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My hands are shaking, writing this next paragraph. And, no, dolls, it is not Carpal Tunnel!!!!!! It is thinking back to last night, when Ryan removes his shirt, and we see his tightly chiseled bone structure. His face is leaner, too! Honey, you know I have always wanted to gozzle Ryan, but, apparently, so did the rest of the audience, because, at this point, it was a gasping contest between the straight women and gay men to see who could outdo the other in volume!!!!!! And you know, honey, with me leading the cheering section for gays, our side was helped tremendously!!!!!
But, I am telling you, it was just something I was not prepared for!!!!!! I mean, Ryan has always been nice to look at, but THIS?????? Hubba Hubba!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

From that point on, funny as the rest of the film was, it did not matter who, what, when, or where!!!! I had to be pried from my seat, at the end, and my seat was damp!!!!! And you better believe, darlings, that, as I slept last night, visions of Gosling sugarplums danced in my head!!!!!!! As they did for everyone who was there last night!!!!!!!

This is the Summer Film to see, girls!!!!!!! But, I am telling you, you will need a cool drink and a cold compress after!!!!!!

Make that a Mimosa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Darlings, What Becomes A Legend Most?????????????

Girls, let me tell you, someone becoming a legend can happen in two ways. It can happen by what the actual person does to make them that way. Or it can be how another person views them and turns them into a legend. The person in question here, loves, constitutes both.

You are about to get the scoop on the aforementioned, always mysterious and increasingly enigmatic Roberta. And try not to be overwhelmed by the stunning radiance of the picture!!!!!!!!!

Roberta??????? Yes, loves, THAT Roberta. I promise not to be too bitchy!!!!!!!!!!

I really can't, because Roberta did not stand out for bitchiness. That might have been easier, because at least it would have been some kind of acknowledgement. Roberta chose not to give me the time of day. And there were reasons.

Roberta became a legend during that Battleground of Hell known as Junior High and High School. She moved through the halls, stunning as always--clothes and hair perfect--as though walking above everyone on a gossamer cloud. She had it all--beauty, brains, and popularity. Now, I always knew, girls, that I had the first two, but I covetously wanted the third, but with Roberta around, I stood no chance of being noticed for what I did possess. And the funny thing is, I loved Highland Park, growing up, then, as much as anyone else. But because of social parameters that I had no control over, people such as Roberta were unwilling to give me a chance!!! She made it to National Honor Society. I had the grades, activities, etc, but I did not. And this is still a sore point. Because there is still that part of me deep down that resents this, and feels that if I had, I might have accomplished more than I have. Not that what I have accomplished is unimportant because it is NOT. Honey, all my girls who read this know that!!!!!!!

The problem was I always wanted Roberta to know. I always wanted the teachers to know that, damn it, I was as good as she!!!!!!!! But, as I said, there were reasons. Let me explain why.

The first reason was the community we were raised in--Highland Park, New Jersey, a very insular environment, and, it cannot be ignored, a predominantly Jewish one. And this was important--if one grew up in this town Jewish, it gave you an in non-Jews did not have. And for those of us attending public school in HP, by the time we all came together in Junior High (around seventh grade in my class), this was made abundantly clear. Added to which teachers blatantly favored Roberta and others, not only because of their spiritual denomination, but especially if they lived on what we all knew in town as the President streets. And Roberta was clearly the Princess Of Lincoln Avenue!!!!!!!!!!

Well, honey, I was a Princess, too, and I damn well knew it!!!!!!! Except, I did not live on Lincoln Avenue, though on the North Side, where all the RIGHT people lived. I knew I belonged in Honor Society and all that. Only the teachers in charge then, to keep their jobs, had to cater to the right set of children from the right families, and ignore the rest!!!!!! And I was ignored!!!!!!!!!!!

Do I still have resentment???? You better believe it!!!!!!! So, when I saw the LinkedIn site for Roberta, which I happened upon while looking for someone else, a Pandora's box was unleashed. Miss Ivy League, U of Penn. Temple Business School Swim Team Camp Over Achiever!!!!!!! Hah!!!!!!!!!!! Well, I am still just as good as you, Roberta; in fact, better, and I can prove it. Though, in one instance at least, I have you to thank!!!!!!!!!! Miss Chemical Analysis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This story is SO typical, darlings. Back in eighth grade, one day during Mrs. Clifford's (exactly the kind of teacher described above, and me being one of the prize English students, yet!!!!!) we were having a discussion of books turned into films. Roberta, seated near me, offered up as an example, "Exodus," and how Eva Mare Saint as Kitty Fremont did not match the way one pictured her from reading the book. Having read the book also, and agreeing with Roberta, I hastened to tell her this. But her response was to look at me disdainfully, as if to say "What are you doing, reading a book like that?"

What people like Roberta could not understand then, and most likely cannot now, is that there are some people who have multifaceted interests beyond what they were raised in. Having grown up around Jewish people, I was interested in their culture and their faith--so much so that, when, that same year I first read "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok (which I have reread many times, as well as Potok's other works), I was ready to switch to a Yeshiva!!!!! Imagine my parents' shock, when I hit them with this!!!! It was not enough my wanting to be Barbra!!!!!!! But THIS!!!!!!!
Then, in junior year, I hit them with wanting to go to Brandeis University to study Herbert Marcuse's theory of change for change's sake, like Angela Davis!!!!! Quite precocious I was at that age!!!!!!! It left my parents fearful for my future!!!!!!!!!

Then came the time, again in eighth grade, and again, when I was seated near her, where, right before Mrs. Dubin's French class, she was regaling all with her exploits that weekend, which included going to see the Broadway show, "Promises, Promises." I mean, the original Michael Bennett production with--oh,my God--Donna McKechnie, Baayork Lee, Margo Sappington, Kelly Bishop, and others!!!!!!!!! When I heard this, I was furious, and I resolved, then and there, that, before I was done, I was going to go to the Broadway theater whenever I wanted, and see more shows than Roberta!!!!!!!!!

I have to thank Roberta for fueling that competitive edge in me. But the edge was there from the get go. She just triggered it. Back when I was a small child, there was an interactive show called "Learn To Draw," hosted by a guy named John Nagy. He would instruct how to draw, shade and make things three dimensional, and I did my best to follow along. I did not come up to scratch half the time, but I was fueled. So much so that, back then, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say, "I want to be an artist." At the time, I thought that meant a painting artist, but as the years went on and I saw my talents rested with performance and writing, this was the artistry I knew I wanted to be. And so I strove for it, with no regrets.

Which is another reason Roberta and I did not connect; we were simply on different paths. We were high achievers, but in opposite directions--Roberta towards the sciences, and I the arts. But I knew, from my perspective, that I was every bit as good as she. What bothered me, then, was that neither she nor the teachers seemed willing to acknowledge this.

Monsieur thinks Roberta represents all that I thought I wanted when young, and to an extent he is right. I did, indeed, want all the attention at school Roberta received, and which I, as egocentric as Scarlett O'Hara, felt I was entitled to. And if some glaring anger comes through in this post, it is due to the past, and not the present, since Roberta has not had a chance to speak for herself here. Though I am more than willing to give it to her. Darlings, my blog, girls, theatrical excursions, evenings out dining and socializing, are more important to me than being on a treadmill at 7:30 each morning or selling skin products. Though I have to say I give Roberta credit (which I wish she would give me) and, dolls, if you see her products, buy some, and tell her I sent you!!!!!!!!!!!

What is done cannot be undone. The past cannot be corrected or rewritten. But it can be revised. On 'SVU', Elliot Stabler, when chastised, always asks, "How can I make this right?" How can what has gone before be made right, as far as I am concerned???? The unrealistic, impossible answer, would be to receive, from HPHS, a belated induction into the National Honor Society. Fat chance of that, especially as no one who was there on faculty in my day, is present there anymore. The second answer, is for me to get decked out, in my best ensemble, as all you girls know I can (I know I would just HAVE to wear pink!!!! And get my hair done!!!) and for Roberta (whom I sure would be decked out, too!) to meet me in the city, for tea, at---where else, darlings????--the St. Regis!!!!! Now, that would be something to blog about, and I know all my faithful readers are just dying to see how THAT might turn out!!!!!!!!

So, I throw out the invite!!!!!!!! Hey, Roberta, are you up to it????
I am. I can do it, if you can. And I will bring Monsieur, whom no doubt would love the tea and such there, but would provide you a novelty of being among two gay men, bring closure to this aspect of my past, and who knows what we might both learn!!!!!!!!!

And hey, Roberta, he is Jewish!!!!!!! That is right!!!!!!! I snared a Nice Jewish Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Consider yourself asked, Roberta!!!!!! As for the rest, I am sure this will be one of the most controversial posts ever, so if anyone out there wishes to comment in any way they think fit, bring it on!!!!! But keep in mind, I might just fire back!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss kiss, darlings!!!!!!!! And a bientot, Roberta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Darlings, This Is One Bitch Who Should Go Away!!!!!!!!!

Girls, it is time for another Bitch Of The Week, and this one, coming again from television, is a real pain. Just when I thought he was gone for good, having not seen him for awhile, up he pops again last night!!!!

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is William Shatner as Priceline Negotiator. Or, as the song goes, "Price-Line Ne-go-ti-a-tor!"

This series of commercials is embarrassing to all concerned. And the last set, where you had Good Twin vs. Bad Twin were the worst, because you got two for the price of one. And I don't mean Jack LaLane. Because it is obvious, from the way he looks, that Mr. Shatner has been nowhere near any kind of fitness center!!!!!

I mean, is he camping it up, or what???? What he should be negotiating for is either a gym membership, or enrollment in Jenny Craig!!!!! Maybe he suffers from goiter, or hypothyroidism. But I don't think so.

Personally, I think it goes back to when he and his ex-wife Marcie (who I bet looks better now than he does) did those Promise Margarine commercials. He obviously ate too many servings of those sugar glazed carrots she used to make...and probably everything else in sight!!!!!

Even with his toupee, there were some who thought him hot back in his Captain Kirk days. Now, oh my God!!! Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode "The Horror At 35,000 Feet?" Where he plays a window seat passenger, terrified of a gremlin?????
Well, honey, if that episode were shot now, not only would the plane topple over, when he sat by the window, that poor gremlin would be so scared by what HE saw, HE would jump off the wing of the plane!!!!!!!

An actor has to work, yes, but come on, Bill, do something!!!!! But these commercials he does now are so annoying, as soon as I saw it last night, I knew I had found my Bitch Of The Week!!!!!

The Raving Queen congratulates Mr. Shatner on his latest, and dubious distinction!!!!! I can't wait for the (ugh) "Family Affair redo, where, now, he could play Mr. French!!!! But with less sophistication than Sebastian Cabot!!!!!

And that photo???? Who does he think he is, Donna McKechnie???? I think NOT!

Once, as Kirk, Shatner boldly went where no one had gone before. Now, I wonder if he can boldly walk across the street!!!!!!

What a bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

It Is Time To Say It Again, Darlings--This WAS A Hate Crime!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I want you to take a good look at this photo, especially the one in the bottom right corner. It shows three male siblings, the youngest in the middle, in solidarity to each other, posing for what became a Christmas card.

The young man, youngest, probably, but at lest youngest appearing man, among the siblings, is Tyler Clementi. The ones flanking him are his brothers.

This photo stands for, I believe, how flanked Tyler was by them and his family, who stood by him in his struggle with the world. Of course, with so many of us, most especially yours truly, are flanking alongside Tyler, it has to be gratifying to the Clementis, as they, time and again, have made clear.

But not as gratifying as having Tyler with them.

Now, having that taken away from them last year, they are about to see their son's reputation trampled on in the only possible option the defense team has to try and clear the contemptible Dahrun Ravi.

They maintain he did not bully anyone, that this was not a hate crime. Well, let me tell you something. Bullying requires several steps--intention, effort, and planning, and Ravi, whether his team wants to believe it or not, exhibited all three.
The first, intention, was fueled as early as a month before he and Tyler became roommates, when he learned not only who the roommate was, but that the roommate was gay. Evidently, it did not sit well with him. Now, yes, he could have then opted for someone else, BUT maybe he did not want to appear so transparently anti-gay. But, as the live-in relationship evolved, it seems he just could not adjust to living with a gay person. So when Tyler asked for the room privately, a signal that "action" was to take place, Ravi understood what kind of action that would be, and at that point, set out to humiliate his roomie in as humiliating a way as possible. And this was done solely because he was gay. Had Tyler been straight, I am telling you, none of this would have happened. And let's not forget the matter of effort. To set the room up, so the unsuspecting Tyler would not be aware his actions were being recorded, and setting up the opportunity for such activity to be watched in Miss Wei's room and then streamlined, took considerable effort on the part of Ravi's technological skills, which, had they been better applied, might have paved the way for a bright future. But this is how he chose to expend his efforts--an effort resulting in the bullying of Tyler Clementi.

Alas, poor Tyler. Unable to speak for himself, others must speak for him. Let us hope the prosecution team is armed and ready, but meanwhile I will speak for Tyler. So, there is a smear campaign to show Tyler being troubled, prior to his death. He was shy and vulnerable, as befits an artist, and also, as I can attest from personal experience, a burgeoning gay man. When the world around you is in heterosexual sync, and you do not even know what that is, only that you somehow are not a part of it, shyness and vulnerability are the most inevitable byproduct. AND, in Tyler's case, when your expectations of college are dashed by what is surely a senseless act against you, for which you bear no responsibility, outside of exercising your freedom to sexual congress, and when that congress is exhibited for who knows how many people to see, let alone the possibility that your own brothers and parents might see, I think anyone who is NOT troubled by this is actually more troubled in actuality. Parents do not want their children seeing them having sex, and vice is very much versa. Imagine how difficult it must have been for the shy, vulnerable Tyler trying to live his life, and then this invasion happens. An invasion that causes him to wonder what his parents are going to think. For, no matter how out he may have been to them, there is no need for them to see their son's amorous activities. Of course, Tyler was troubled. He had every right to be. And this troubled state boxed him into some sort of psychological wall, that, being young, he could not see an end to. And so he took the path he did, set in motion by Ravi and Wei.

This was a hate crime. Against a sensitive, vulnerable individual and his sexual orientation, and right to act on that orientation, free of any intrusions. Having lived with Tyler for three weeks, Ravi knew how sensitive and vulnerable his roommate was. In spite of that, he acted maliciously, to further his degraded pleasure, shared in it with Miss Wei, and the results, while not expected, were due to his implementation.

Dahurn Ravi stands accused as surely as if he had been there to push Tyler off the GWB!!!!!!! Not a hate crime????????? It is everything that constitutes one!!!!!!

As long as the defense team pursues their argument, I will continue to pursue mine--for Tyler, his family, supporters worldwide, and for the endangered rights of non-heterosexuals to act on that sexual orientation.

I thought we were beyond "1984," but the last words of Orwell's masterwork could apply to Ravi, "He loved Big Brother!!!!!!!!!"

My fire is still not out on this one, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Girls, What Is It With Librarians??????????????

I am sorry, darlings, but the issue must be talked about. It was triggered last evening, as Monsieur and I snuggled up to an evening of "Law And Order SVU," where they ran an oft repeated episode, entitled "Mother."

The title is triple edged. It concerns a psychotherapist named Greta who employs unorthodox techniques in dealing especially with her male patients. One of those patients, Robert, is obsessively in love with her, much to the consternation of his alleged sister, Christina. I say alleged, because, in the end, Christina turns out to be his mother. She got pregnant when she was 14 years old, and once the baby was born he was taken from her, and she was thrown out by her mother. For the next seven years, Robert was raised by Granny, albeit abusively. But Christina comes back, and the night she does, a "mysterious fire" breaks out at home, killing Granny. Christina tries to raise Robert as her own, but he is much too damaged. In the end, Christina gets hauled off to jail for murdering her own mother, though you certainly cannot blame her.

But this is not what has me riled. There is a subplot involving Greta, the Doctor, being attacked by one of her patients. Before it is established Christina was the attacker, Robert is a prime suspect, but so, too is this ex sex-offender named Benny Edgar Ralsey, played by P.J.Marshall. A real smoothie, this one; he ditches his ankle monitor onto a cat and takes off into the streets. While shacking up with a woman who is sensitive and sympathetic to his plight (he tells her he has a Gambling addiction!!) who turns out to be........a librarian!!!!!!!!!

Here we go again--the Librarian As Cultural Stereotype!!!!!! And this show was shot within the last ten years. First, we have Mrs. Cochran, overly officious and about as spinsterly as Agnes Moorhead as Aunt Fanny in "The Magnificent Ambersons", in Alfred Hitchcock's film, "Shadow Of A Doubt"; next, we have Donna Reed as the hypothetical unmarried Mary Hatch in "It's A Wonderful Life," not to mention Shirley Jones' unfulfilled Marian Paroo in "The Music Man." But as recently, as ten years ago--a librarian who cries out the stereotype that they are so desperate for anyone romantic they can only hook up with deviants???? I am telling you, I have had it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ever since the golden days of Shirley Berkowitz and Eunice Marowitz back in Highland Park, New Jersey, librarians have had this image. If not repressed and spinsterly, then overly officious. But the notion that being in this profession one is so desperate for a romantic partner they will take up with anyone borders on the libelous. I mean, Theresa Dunn (based on real-life Roeseann Quinn) in "Looking For Mr. Goodbar" was a Special Ed teacher!!!!!!!!

Of course, some librarians don't help the cause, any, with their lack of fashion sense, an inability to say or write in two sentences what it takes them to say or write in six, and an overt obsession with procedure rather than results. And then they wonder why they sometimes get such a bad rap!!!!!!!!!!!!

But the one on 'SVU' is the worst!!!!!!!! Any librarian worth their mettle should write to Dick Wolf and ask for a retraction. Some librarians may not be wrapped as tightly as one might like, but not all are pathetic, socially maladjusted creatures!!!! Believe me, I have seen some lawyers who would fit this last criteria!!!!!!!!!!!!

Librarians have been taking crap like this for years!!!!!! Give them a break!!!!!!!!!!

But don't you touch MY bookshelves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Darlings, I Am Just Like Sister Peg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many times, girls, do I have to stress that if there is one thing I have, it is a maternal heart??????? Room enough in it for all God's creatures!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which is why I relate so well to Charlaine Woodard's character of Sister Peg on "Law And Order SVU." Sister Peg works the streets of NYC in order to keep it as safe as possible for those professional (ie; world's oldest) working girls, who, for whatever reason, feel they have to work those streets, as well.

Both Sister Peg and Her Girls provide a service. And both services put both the girls and Peg in danger. But Sister, like me, services to the downtrodden. Honey, on some days here, I feel I am doing the same thing, so I know how Sister Peg feels. And with my justice posts for Tyler Clementi and now Leiby Kletsky, you can bet I want to help those unable to help themselves, to tip the scales of justice forward in favor of these tragic victims.

I will speak out for them, just as Sister Peg speaks for her girls!!!!!!!!! And if I take to the soup kitchens of the city, handing and ladling out soup and blankets, so be it!!!!!!!!!!! It is all in a day's work, like Sister Peg!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sister Peg knows the score, honey, just like I do!!!!!!!! I bet she even reads Toni Morrison. So get hep to Sister Peg and her mission. As well as mine--to bring glamour and comfort to all who feel need from duress!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sister Peg and I fight in our respective corners!!!! Believe me, yeah!!!!!!!!!!

"I Won't Forget. You BET I Won't Forget!!!!!!!!"

As any of my girls know, the above words are the ones that propel forward the plot of the remaining two hours plus of the movie "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?" This has also served as a mantra for me girls, and one thing I was not about to forget is that today was the day of cyber scum Dahrun Ravi's most recent appointment in court, and the results are not satisfying. But keep in mind the prosecution has not had a chance to fight back the latest allegations.

Sleaze attorney Steve Altman is moving for a dismissal of charges against Dahrun Ravi, on the grounds that the Grand Jury was not presented with enough evidence. Really????????? I guess they figure if Casey Anthony can walk, anyone can. At least, that is what they seem to be hoping. They also plan, it seems to mount a Tyler Clementi smear campaign, trying to get in contact with the mysterious "other man," known only as MB (Milton Bradley, darlings?????) who was with Tyler. There are also claims towards having documentation, computer and otherwise, giving Tyler's emotional state at the time of the events. Yes, just as Monsieur predicted, it is going to get ugly, and my heart goes out once again to the Clementis, who were there to witness this.

But two can get ugly, darlings, so let me tell you this. In launching a campaign of non-justice for Tyler Clementi, in trying to advocate what Dahrun Ravi did does not merit some kind of guilt, Altman is fueling the way for the continuance of homophobia in this country, and this I will not allow!!!!!! Tyler Clementi is the victim here, not Mr. Ravi, and I wish Tyler were alive for so many reasons, not the least being that he could take the stand!!!!!!!! Hell, I wish I could take the stand in Tyler's place as his surrogate, because, believe me, if there were any way I could, I would!!!!!!!! And if Altman and his sleaze team mount a smear campaign against Tyler, it will be nothing compared to the smear campaign I will mount against him, and continue to mount against Ravi and Opportunity Ice Queen Bitch Molly Wei!!!!!!!!!! May he end up slinging tandoori in an East Village Indian restaurant, and she frying rice in Chinatown!!!!!!!! It's too good for them!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't mess with the Raving Queen, you scumbags!!!!!!! I have been following this ever since it broke, and will continue to!!!!!!!!!! The Clementis, living and dead, are the ones most deserving of justice here, and I, for one, intend to see that they get it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Or else I will give it to the Justice System!!!!!!!! As only I can, loves!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, attorneys!!!!!!!!!!! Spend less time on haberdashery, and more on ethics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing further, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, When You Cannot Find A Marathon, Have One Of Your Own!!!!!!!!!!!

What a day we had yesterday, girls. It was hotter than that cat on a tin roof. Once Monsieur and I got our act together, we headed into the city do some gift certificate shopping. Of course, we spent more than planned (including tickets August 19 to "Follies"), but who doesn't??? A needed pair of new shoes, a nice Modern Library edition of "Wuthering Heights," and a Season 8 "Law and Order SVU" DVD set. We headed home fast after that, because I was about to have the vapors, and I wanted to see have my own private marathon, since the cable stations have come to the Dog Days Of Summer, and aren't offering any!!!!! Nerts to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So we settled in happily, and what fun!!!! Because the Season 8 set contained two gems that we really had fun with--"Choreographed" and "Responsible."

The first involved Chris Sarandon as a maniacal, horny (is there any other kind, darlings???) dance choreographer, whose company is being financed exclusively by the modeling career of his glamorous wife, Danielle. That is, until Danielle is murdered. Imagine, Chris Sarandon as an icon of the dance world. That is Surprise Number One. Surprise Number Two comes with the arrival of Bernadette Peters as Stella Danquiss. Yes, girls, Bernadette Peters!!!! Only, she is more Bernadette Lazzara than Peters here, because, honey, Stella is tough, sassy and straight outta Queens!!!! Ozone Park, to be exact. And, honestly, you can tell Bernadette is having the time of her life, playing this role!!!! Bring back Stella soon!!! The best guest attorney, since Tovah Feldshuh as Danielle Melnick!!!!

And I am telling you, you have GOT to see the hospital cat fight between Chris Sarandon, the choreographer, and Bob Saget as Glenn, hubby of the woman Chris' character is cheating on. Not since Ann Bancroft and Shirley Maclaine went at each other in "The Turning Point" have I seen such bitchery!!!! Would you believe these are two straight men???? They are more like two guys in a gay bar on Saturday night, butching over who will take home the room's hottest trick!!!!!! You just HAVE to love it, girls!!!!!!!

Just like you just have to love that other gem, "Responsible", which is an ironic title, since no one really is. It revolves around the drunken death of a private school girl at a party where alcohol is illegally served. Sarah Drew is brilliant as Becca Rice, honor student hiding a secret, whose piece of work Mom, Lillian, played by Laura Leighton, a Mrs. Robinson wannabe, is sleeping with all her daughter's male classmates, in a misguided ploy to make her daughter popular. Poor Becca gets screwed all around; she could have gone Ivy League, but her liver and brain have been fried, it turns out, by alcohol, which Mom has been plying her with since age 12. At least that bitchy Regan gets what is coming to her--arrested, and then hauled back after mocking out Judith Light as the judge, only to drink more and get killed in an accident. That Regan--a REAL Diane Dykeman type!!!! She came to a bad end, just like that kind!!!! I know those types!!!!!!!

You have to feel sorry for Becca at the end. She has no future, is still unpopular, and will have to fend for herself, now that Mom is going to jail. And let me tell you, once those female inmates find out she has been trifling with minors, they will tear out every strand of her gorgeous hair!!! You can count on it!!! What a story, girls, and what a nice way to spend an afternoon.

I am telling you, Sundays will never be the same!!!!!!!!

Girls, Beware Of Geeks Bearing Gifts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, let me tell you, there are gifts that keep on giving, and gifts you just don't want. Many years ago, while living in Brooklyn, I received the latter. While still a member of Book Of The Month Club, Norman Mailer's overlong and overwritten novel about the CIA, "Harlot's Ghost," made its initial appearance. It was a Featured Selection, and, initially, I guess, I did not send in the form soon enough, saying I did not want it. So it was sent to me. Fine. I simply sent it back, which according to club rules then, one always had the option of doing. And that was it--I thought. But they kept sending and sending and sending the same damn book. I had to phone and complain to a poor beleaguered employee that I had no intention at any time of reading this atrocious book, let alone anything by Norman Mailer, so stop shoving it at me via the U.S. postal service.

Again, that was that. Till last week.

One evening, coming home to my apartment, I found a package at my front door. No, at least it was not "Harlot's Ghost," or even a Norman Mailer novel--thank God!!!! It was a package, with an attached envelope, saying I had been given a free gift. But of what? And from whom????

The what turned out to be bottled samples of Proactive skin products--moisturizers, lotions, and the like. Three boxes worth. Now, the first thing I want to say about this is, darlings, with my almost Jennifer Jones complexion that gets a full beauty treatment, anyway, I do not need such unguents. Since my ingenue days, girls, I have moisturized, deodorized, and accessorized. And I don't need some low end beauty products to do so!!!!!!!!!!!!

The who (or whom) turns out to be mysterious. At first, I thought, maybe Monsieur ordered this, but when I went through the products with him, it was clear he did not. The package was not from Ohio--I know no one there!!!! I mean, the Midwest????? Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And none of my friends would send such a thing, because they all know, as you do, how glamorous I am, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I took action. I called my lawyer. I called Consumer Protection. And most of all I called the company. They said the transaction was done online, using a MasterCharge account. Honey, I told this now beleaguered employee, I do not even have MasterCharge; I never have, and I never will!!!!!!!!!!!! I was assured I would receive nothing more from them, and they are sending me a label to send it back. Which I will do, as soon as that arrives.

Girls, if you don't want a gift--don't take it!!!!! And don't take crap from lowlifes who take pleasure in doing such stupid things. Probably some obese couch potato, whose whole life is the Shopping Channel. Well, potatoes can be fried or baked, so THIS one had better watch out.

No one loves more to receive a pretty, wrapped package than yours truly. This wasn't even that. If you do, simply tell the unwelcome sender a pretty pink bow will be tied around their neck, then pulled TIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiss kiss, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Darlings, First They Are Walking Out On 'Spider Man'.....

.....Now, girls, in another theatrical arena, the New York City courtroom, they are starting to walk out on the Levi Aron case!!!!!!!!!!

At least, one attorney, so far, has, and I would not be surprised if there are more before all is done. The walkout is Gerald Marrone, who withdrew from the case, due to "moral issues." The REAL moral issue to ask is why did Mr. Marrone take the case, anyway???? And what pushed his buttons to get himself removed???????

In his stead comes Jennifer L. McCann, of Garden City (how distinctly Middle Class, darlings!!!) and a St. John's graduate, who, it would not surprise me, is probably some Stephanie March/Alex Cabot wannabe but without the glamour or intelligence of Stephanie/Alex (though, hopefully, she will not have those dreadful bangs that Stephanie/Alex had in that old 'SVU' episode I saw).

This case will have trouble keeping a defense team together. I mean, who would want to be on it?????????? I would much rather be on the prosecution team, because you know the reception there will be favorable. If the defense team thinks that, by doing this, they are going to get Levi to walk, then they may just as well turn him out on the street right now, to be torn to be pieces by a mob, or shot at by just about anyone. Because, assuredly, if, for some unfathomable reason, this guy walks, it will surely happen.

The drama just does not seem to end on this one! And the community's wounds are still red and raw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The defense can argue all it is entitled to, but if there is any justice, it will keep Levi Aron off the streets permanently. Even if it turns out, as it is seeming to, that Leiby Kletsky was his only victim (I am still out on that one, girls!!!) he can still be classified as a textbook serial killer who was caught early in a so-called "career," which was quickly halted!!!!!!!!!

The drama just keeps better and better, loves!!!!!! Stay tuned!!!!!!!

And if I turn up in court, you can bet I will give a detailed account of my ensemble!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, It's Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature??????????

Honey, let me tell you, it is even not nicer to fool the Raving Queen.

As I am about to demonstrate.

Wednesday evening, the heat had gotten to both Monsieur and I,so we decided to eat out, and at a charming neighborhood place called Mappamodno, which means "map of the world," and variations on such are its decorative scheme. The cuisine is Italian; maybe not the best, but for convenience it is quite good and above pizzeria level. One of their specialties is the Mappamondo salad, which is extremely refreshing, and which is the first thing we always order--that and the Bruschutta. I am a pushover for the latter.

The trouble came with the bread. They served us some, with a bottle of olive oil, which I have no issue with. But Monsieur prefers butter, and when he asked for it, the ditz owner said they did not have any. OK, maybe they were out. Oh, and by the way this is NOT a Chiffon Margarine commercial. So, we took him at his word. However, later on, halfway through our meal, Monsieur saw this same owner deliver a bread basket, with some butter, to another table. When the owner was called on it, he just hemmed and hawed, with nary an apology.

First things, first!!!!!!!!!

This is the Raving Queen!!!!!!!!! Apologize, bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second, why lie??????? What was the big deal over bars of butter????? Who the hell were you trying to impress by rationing it out??????? Why don't you go ask the former owner of the Paris Commune on Bank Street, how he is doing?????? He will probably refer you to my blog, where I called him out for his inexcusable bad quality of food and service, not to mention he had the temerity to give me attitude!!!!!!

Now, Mappamondo did not give us attitude, but I am telling you, if we go back there and get this butter routine, you can bet there will be attitude handed out!!!!!! Who do they think they are over there, anyway???? Sweeties, if you want to stay in business, you had just better watch yourself the next time we deign to pay a visit. Or your business will fry, honey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It must have been the evening for Attitude. Because, en route to Monsieur's before the dinner, I passed this homeless itinerant begging for money. Now, as all my girls know, if it is one thing I have, it is a maternal heart!!!!!! Room enough in it for all God's creatures.

Darlings, this creature tested my limits. He was clearly not of the neighborhood, and dressed in a Muslim cap. He was Muslim like I am Muslim. Girls, he was Muslim by way of da hood!!!!!!!! And for a homeless guy, he was doing real well--a cell phone, and a suitcase on wheels, looking like he had just come from the airport!!!!!!! And he has the nerve to beg ME for money????? Well, I gently and politely brush him off, and what does he do???? He proceeds to scream homophobic epithets after me in my wake!!!!!!!!!! I just ignored it; I don't need to traffic with idiots. And that might have been that, it it weren't for the rest!!!!!!!!!

When it was time for me to walk over to Mappamondo to meet Monsieur, I had to walk by the same area again, and there he was--bitching and screaming not only at me, but everyone. And, of course, as soon as he saw me, the anti-gay epithets followed. Well, that was it!!!!!!! I told myself, if when we are finished dining, and walk back to Monsieur's place, this cretin is still there, and acting up, I will show him what attitude REALLY is.

It almost turned into a riot. We even hand some hunky gym type guys, once they saw what was going on, surround this guy, preparing to take him on. Not only did he call both Monsieur and I "faggots," which was not appreciated, he went on to call Monsieur a "bitch!" Honey, no one calls MY Monsieur a bitch!!!!!!! Make no mistake, I told this creature, "I AM the bitch!" Then, with my eyes slanted like Scarlett, I looked him straight in the face, and said, "Get off this street, you trashy wench! Get off this land!" I think everyone was shocked; even Monsieur and the guy! If I had had a vase, I would have thrown it. He had the nerve to advance toward me, but I told him if he laid one hand on me or anyone, I would call the cops!!!!!!!!! That might have done it, because he backed off, screaming at us, as we walked away!!!!!!!!!!!!

The next day, he was GONE!!!!!!! Good riddance!!!!!!!!! At least, he heeded the Raving Queen!!!!!!! If only the staff at Mappamondo is wise enough to do the same!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that guy is probably on their staff!!!!!!!!! Which would seal that restaurant's fate, but good!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch out, boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Girls, Next Week Will Be Full OF High Drama!!!!!!!!!!

As if we have not had enough, already, darlings. But next week, two dates are crucial during this month of July--the 25th and the 28th. On the latter, Levi Aron appears in court, and Lord knows what fresh horror will emerge from that. One can only guess.

But, earlier, on the 25th, which is next Tuesday, Mr. Dahurun Ravi returns to court. This figure, of course, is the main perpetrator in the Tyler Clementi case. Do my girls think I have forgotten Tyler??????? No way!!!!!!!!!! In fact, let me tell you about a recent dream I had.

In the dream, Tyler and I were sitting on a bank by a waterway. No surprise there, considering the relevance of water to his experience. We were just hanging out, talking of nothing in particular, when suddenly he leans forward and says he has something very important to tell me. In the dream, I am excited; I know whom I am talking to, and I think, "Now, at last, I will learn what everyone has been wanting to learn!" But, this being a dream, the image vanished, and I woke up.

When I awoke, I discussed this with Monsieur, who reminded me of this upcoming court date. This may bring things to a close, as we learn what kind of sentence Ravi gets or does not get. Or whether Miss Wei will hit the stand, look him in the face, and testify against him. Cool as ice, that one, if she can do that!!!!!!!!!

All I hope is the court appearance,if not finalizing things, is another step forward towards Justice For Tyler, and peace of mind for his parents, Joe and Jane Clementi!!!!!!!

Then, three days later, Mr. Aron appears in his Brooklyn court. Yes, it is going to be SOME week next week. And you will hear about it first here!!!!!!!!!

Justice for all tragic victims--Tyler and Leiby Kletsky!!!!!!!!!!!

What A Piece Of Work This Week's Winner Is!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, after the horror of last week, I thought it was time for a fictional Bitch Of The Week. Actually, this is someone I have had my eye on for a long time as a contender, as far back as when I first started the column. The timing just did not seem right, but now it does. And while we LOVE our fictitious bitches, THIS one is pretty nasty, so what we love in this instance is not the person being portrayed, but the actress who portrays her.

Let me explain.

The winner of this week's Raving Queen Bitch Of The Week Award is Miss Charlotte Bayes.

She was first introduced on Sunday evening, October 19, 2003, when a then brand new series, "Cold Case" broadcast its fourth, but first groundbreaking, episode, "Churchgoing People." It was groundbreaking in two ways--it was the first truly GREAT episode, and it was the first where the killer turned out to be female.

The story went something like this.

In the present day, circa 2003, a disheveled woman is found wandering a cemetery, very close to her deceased husband's grave, and clutching his newspaper obituary. She is Charlotte Bayes, a woman in her sixties, suffering from Alzheimer's. She is cared for by her grown son, Ryan Bayes (Jimmi Simpson), who lives in the house with her. With her memory going in and out, she is beginning to have recollections of the tragic death of her husband, Mitchell Bayes (John Walcott), an insurance salesman by week and a church organist/choirmaster (and he is straight, darlings; can you believe it???) on weekends. On the night of February 3, 1990, Mitch's body was found in Kensington, a rough section of Philly, frequented by junkies and prostitutes. His body was found beside his open van, he had been beaten, with crack vials, poppers, and dirty magazines, left around him. It would appear he had been prowling for action, found his Ms. Goodbar, and things went wrong.

But the case went cold, because no one could really prove the cause of Mitch's death, and the cop then assigned to it had a drinking problem, so really was not on the ball.

In 2003, detective Lily Rush decides to reopen the Bayes case. She gets opposition from son Ryan, and his sister, Tina, who has a history of emotional problems, stemming from this incident, and has been estranged from her mother and brother because of it, for eight years. Lily (Kathryn Morris) cannot seem to crack the case. No one will talk, and while Charlotte may want to, her memory is getting more and more uncertain, so her window of opportunity is fast closing.

As things go on, son Ryan looks more and more like the prime suspect--the implication being he killed his Dad to in some way protect his mother, whose favorite he clearly was. Tina begins to want to find out the truth, because she was always convinced her father was not hooking up with prostitutes. She was right. And so, finally placed in an interrogation room, Ryan lays bare not only what happened on February 3, 1990, but also the sham that was his parents' marriage, and the domestic Hell he and Tina had been living under since birth.

By the time the kids were teens, the marriage was on the skids. Charlotte proved to have a VERY dark side, being a verbally and physically abusive spouse, especially when fueled by her craving for alcohol. She would scream at and belittle Ryan and Tina for hours, and physically attack Mitch, which she would have done, anyway, but which Mitch clearly took upon himself, in order to prevent Charlotte from turning it upon the children. By the time of the fateful night, Mitch and Charlotte were sleeping in separate bedrooms, with his door bolted by several locks, to prevent her from coming in at any time during the night and rabidly attacking him. Mitch began to reach out to Judy Enright, a church congregant, and member of his choir, who had a secret herself--her husband was permanently disabled, in a wheelchair, so intimacy was out of the question. As it was with Mitch, for different reasons. So the two began to see each other. Judy undoubtedly knew the truth about Charlotte, and very likely counseled Mitch to take the children and leave. But he was in a rock and hard place. A born manipulator, Charlotte would turn the tables on him, not to mention abused husbands go even more unreported than wives because of social stigma--looking down on a man who cannot "control" his wife.

But things fell apart on that fateful night in question. Mitch drove young Tina to a sleepover with her friends, intending afterwards to break things off with Judy Enright, as Tina knew about it, and he could not bear his daughter to be ashamed of him. At home, Charlotte was with Ryan, who was supposed to go to a high school dance. Charlotte offered to teach him some moves. But they were interrupted by Mr. Enright, who confirmed Charlotte's suspicions about Mitch and Judy, calling Mitch a "cheating sinner." This sent Charlotte into a rage, and compelled her to drink, and she abusively insisted Ryan stay home with her. When Mitch returned home, soaked, on that rainy night, he was upset Ryan was not at the dance, and stood up to his wife. Pushing Ryan out of the way, she grabs a fireplace poker, and, calling Judy Enright "cheap Christmas trash," saying he and Judy are "a disgrace to good, churchgoing people", Charlotte bellows after Mitch in hot pursuit, smashing a mirror and other things along the way in her deranged anger. (Of course, being afflicted with alcoholic rage, not to mention Borderline Personality Disorder, Charlotte has no idea that HER behavior is a disgrace to good, churchgoing people, as well.) Mitch tries to get to his bedroom and lock the door, but Charlotte is too fast for him. Reaching Mitch, she stands over him, saying she will not be disgraced, and, before Ryan's eyes, beats her husband to death, with the poker. Then comes the classic moment, where the blood soaked Charlotte, framed in dark light, says evilly to her son. "Ryan...get the van." Charlotte makes young Ryan dispose of the body, and stage the murder-sets it up as being a hooker dalliance gone wrong. But this evil creature is found out at the end!!!!!!!!!

Despite her Alzheimer's, Charlotte is lead away to jail. Mitch and Tina are reunited at home, with each other to comfort for assurance. Girls, I am telling you, this scene, set to Madonna's "Live To Tell," with them embracing, and then Tina seeing the ghost of her father, Mitch, handing me a chocolate milkshake, had me in tears!!!!!!!!!

Is it any wonder Charlotte Bayes would make Bitch Of The Week????? When I first saw this story, one poster suggested it reminded him of Dave Pelzer's book, "A Child Called IT." I subsequently read that, and Catherine there is even worse than Charlotte--not only is she less income and educated, but her abuse is even worse. It is amazing that, like Charlotte, it did not end in murder.

Charlotte could only be as impressive as the actress playing her, and, in this role, Isabella Hoffman, former star of "Dear John" and "JAG", turned in an Emmy calibre performance. In just under an hour, she is required to portray a seemingly submissive suburban wife, an abusive harridan, and an Alzherimer's victim. When I saw this episode the first time, and knowing "Cold Case's" formula for showing the past and present, I was certain the Alzheimer Charlotte was played by a different actress. On second glance, I saw it was Isabella!!!!!!! What a remarkable job, and one she will long be remembered for!!!!!!!!

So, we hate Charlotte, but girls, we love and admire Isabella for having the gift and the courage to make her so real. Congratulations, Isabella, for creating one of the prime Bitch(es) Of The Week--one that, after eight years, still stands out among so many!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, darlings, that Charlotte is one piece of work!!!!!!!!!! But she is through!!!!!!! Take the key, and lock her up!!!!!!!!!!!!

What goes around, comes around--on TV and in REAL life!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, The FIEND Was Indicted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No surprise there, girls!!!!!!!!!!! Levi Aron, Brooklyn's notorious child butcher, the slayer of innocent little Leiby Kletsky, was indicted on two counts of murder and kidnapping, among other charges, yesterday. Justice is moving swiftly in the case of this monster. If convicted (which one might consider a no brainer, were it not for Casey Anthony!!!!), he faces life without parole. If not, he will probably hook up with Casey, who will take as good care of him, as she did of Caylee!!!!! Heh! Heh!
Could be the first nice thing Casey did!!!!!!!!!!

As for those who say he wouldn't go near her, being she is not Jewish, I say--honey, what does that matter now???? IF this scum should walk, what community is going to accept him???? So, finding a nice, Jewish girl would be the least of his concerns, which would make Casey perfect for his picking. It's not like they are going to enroll at Harvard!!!!!!!!!!!!

And we continue to learn new things about Levi Aron, and one thing I am convinced of now is--crazy as he may seem, he is going straight to prison, as he knew exactly what he was doing. Leiby Kletsky was found to have been drugged with a variety of things--hydrocodone, quetiapine (used for schizoids!!!!), Tylenol, and cyclobenzaprine (a muscle relaxant). The first thing I want to know is--what is Aron doing with all these meds in thew house????? He is NOT Judy (Garland, honey; far from it!!!!!! Even in a narcotic haze, you can bet Judy would have kicked this guy clear across her concert stage!!!!! The second is--was Aron on any of these things??? Because, for one thing, that would prove he suffers from schizophrenia, and IF he was off that med he was supposed to take, it could go very hard with him--moreso even than now.

More important, as far as I am concerned, darlings, this seals his fate in going to prison. Because the fact he drugged Levi with all this stuff--bombarded him, in fact--indicates clear premeditation. None of this crap about panicking and being afraid, loves; THIS was his agenda as soon as poor Leiby slammed the door shut in Aron's 1990 Honda. And the drugs only go to proof it.

So I think Levi Aron is looking at a prison sentence. And no matter how closely he is watched, it would not surprise me if the inmates serve him a sentence of their own!!!!!! But we shall see. Meanwhile, as I have said, the tale of Levi Aron gets more convoluted with each thing we learn!!!!!!

BOOK him, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Are You Ready, Girls??????? Let's Take The Honeymoon Express!!!!

One of the iconic images of MY childhood, darlings, was the cartoon and song, "Dancing On The Moon." It was SO charming, but with a bit of sadness. Using a visual style that echoes, in cartoon terms, George Meleis' 1902 "A Trip To The Moon," the great cartoonist Max Fleischer portrays a group of couples--animals of varying species, a kind of Noah's Ark--who blast off on a romantic journey to the moon, where they walk and dance along Honeymoon Lane. Except sadly, a scurrying cat and his fiance are late for arrival, and get there just as the rocket ship doors shut. The female cat is left on Earth, while the male cat goes off alone, sad at the prospect of himself among all the happy couples. How fortunate the ship has a deck of cards, so he can play solitaire en route, but the sight of the cat dancing alone on the moon is truly sad--not like Bambi's mother, darlings-- but we do feel the loneliness just the same. I know people who said this cartoon always upset them, because of this. Added to which, the ship DOES return to Earth, the feline lovers are reunited, but, for all his upset, Mr. Cat gets beaten by his fiance.

You have to wonder what it all means, girls. Does the great Max Fleischer, who created this classic, have something against cats???? But this is the man who created Krazy Kat!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet, somehow, the song and the romance of it all, almost cancel out the sadness. And the end is intended more as a kind of Punch and Judy humor, but the poor cat!!!!!!!!!!!

The film's time continuum is fascinating, too--it makes you wonder how long those couples were on the moon. The cartoon suggests an evening, but is that evening in Moon terms or Earth's??? Because, when they return and emerge from the ship, the stork arrives--a stork for each couple-- to deliver them a baby!!!!! So, were they on the Moon nine months????? Hmmmmm.............

And what a bargain--this trip for one dollar per couple!!!! Let's keep THOSE prices, honey!!!!!!!!!

This HAS to be seen, loves!!!!! Who knew, back in our days of black and white TV, that it was a color cartoon? It has the visual style of the Melies film, which I am sure was Fleischer's attention, and the song should have become a camp classic!!!!!

After watching this yesterday on YouTube (isn't everything on YouTube????), I danced Monsieur all through the apartment, to this song. We are ready to board that Honeymoon Express right now, and you can be sure, especially if I have anything to do with it, that we will be on time!!!!! I cannot wait to walk and dance down Honeymoon Lane!!!!!!

So, let's get ready to BLAST OFF! See you aboard the Honeymoon Express!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Darlilngs, It Is Going To Be A Sizzzzzzzzzler!!!!!!!!!

Nothing like what I recently experienced in New Orleans, though girls, who would have thought that once leaving the tree enshrouded suburb that was and continues to be Highland Park, New Jersey, I would be subject to the sound of cicadas???? Just this morning, as I was dressing and doing my beauty regimen for work I heard that all too familiar sound in the surrounding trees--the sounds of cries of hundreds of insects seeming as though they would attack, like something out of a 50's giant monster movie.
The indicator, both then and now, that today's weather will be a scorcher, which means cool gown, loose stays, and plenty of iced fluids. Have about five mimosas, darlings, and then the heat won't bother you at all????? If I had that many, NOTHING would bother me--period.

Here we are smack in midsummer, so this kind of weather is expected--and keep remembering, loves, that when we are all layered up and freezing six months later in January, we will look back on all this fondly. As the Rolling Stones said, "You can't always get what you want.."

What I would like is to avoid my dental visit tomorrow, but with Monsieur nagging at me to go, what choice do I have? If it was just one visit, I would not complain, but, as you know, sweeties, one visit to the dentist always seems to result in several. Just what I need.

I would much rather be under a hammock right now, pouring over "GWTW" which is a lot more interesting, even on a ninth reading, than any dentist office. But I have to look my best, darlings, camera or not.

And NO I have seen the final 'Harry Potter' movie. I am still making up my mind whether or not I should go. Though I did read the final book.

I am just holding on till "Follies." I am ready to go on, if needed!!!!!!!!!

Stay cool, girls, and remember to make your entrance in clean, fresh gowns!!!!!!!!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Another Career On The Rocks Tries To Be Saved!!!!!!!!!

"Look, they drummed you outta Hollywood, so you come crawlin' back to Broadway!"
--Helen Lawson in "Valley Of The Dolls"

It just keeps getting better, darlings! No sooner do we learn the preposterous notion of turning "Rebecca" into a Broadway musical, does the news come that washed up star and Oscar winner, not to mention wife beater, Nicolas Cage is Broadway bound. He is expected next season--either Fall 2011 or Spring 2012--to undertake the role of--get this!!!!!!--Randle Patrick McMurphy in a revival of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest!!!!!"

What, again? We just had a production of this ten years ago, with a wonderful job by Gary Sinese, and Amy Morton, from Steppenwolf, who went on to play embrittered oldest daughter Barbara in "August: Osage County." Maybe my only being to tolerate Cage in "Moonstruck" could work for me playing opposite him as Nurse Ratched, so I could kick his butt clear across the stage, to whoops of audience applause!!!!! Though I daresay, with me in the role, the play could have an altogether different ending>

But seriously, girls, just like Barbra doing "Gypsy," I hope this one does not come off. Cage not only is not right for this role; he is TOO OLD for it!!!!!!!
Several years back, Christian Slater, a better actor than Cage, scored a big success in London with this role. How come he did not come to New York???? Bring him in now!!!!! Jake Gyllenhaal not only is the right age; he would be the most delicious McMurphy you ever saw!!!!!!! Like a Hostess cupcake!!!!!! Hell, I would even rather see Daniel Radcliffe do it than Cage. One wonders what the supporting cast might be like; I mean, who will play Ratched??? Valerie Bertinelli??????? Vicotria Principal???? Heather Locklear????? At least, they would be interesting.

I can just see it coming. Lindsay Lohan as Juliet. Or Abagail in "The Curcilbe." Go ahead; crucify these great plays!!!!!! Can Paris Hilton in "Mamma Mia" be far behind????????

Poor Nicolas Cage. And poor Broadway. What was once a standard for excellence has become a tourist trap and mecca for failed actors to resurrect bankrupt careers!!!!!!!!!!!

May the ghost of Ethel Merman kick some ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Girls, Can You Believe It Has Been Twenty Years?????

I just discovered, darlings, that next month makes twenty years since Demi Moore posed, nude and pregnant, on the cover of Vanity Fair. At my age, time just drifts in and out, like sand through the hourglass, at the start of "Days Of Our Lives." I had no idea it had been that long. Which means daughter Scout, who was then distending Demi's belly, is about to turn 20!!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't this a nice break from the luridness of last week? Don't worry; we are sure to return there, as soon as fresh discoveries are made, and believe me, they will be!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what has been happening???????????????

Monsieur, his charming friend, Carol, and I dined Friday eve at the new Village auxiliary Jackson Diner, on University Place. Now, folks won't have to schlep all the way out to Jackson Heights, Queens (which even I don't like to do, darlings!!!! And I live in Woodside!!!!!) to sample its exquisite Indian fare, which even agrees with me. They must go easy on the spices, they do go easy on the portions and heaviness, which is why I feel I finally have a safe Indian place to go to.

But, getting back to serial killers, I am anxious to see "Silence! The Musical", based on "The Silence Of The Lambs." But with the rave reviews, limited run, and a weekends only performance schedule, like 'Rocky Horror', it is definitely this summer's hottest ticket!!!! But you know how resourceful I am, darlings, so I may get in, after all!

Just like I MAY get my call this summer to do "Frank Mills" in "HAIR."

And NO, I am not doing my own version of the Demi cover for the twentieth anniversary.

Remember, sweeties, you are ALL your own magazine covers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

"I Hear Music, But There's No One There!"

No, girls, Levi Aron was not raised on the songs of Ethel Merman. He might have turned out better than he did. With the fictitious exception of Douglas Breen in Bob Randall's novel, "The Fan," Theater Queens do NOT become serial killers.

Each day, darlings, we learn something new about Mr. Aron. Like that he is hallucinating and hearing voices. I agree with one commentator who says the only voices he hears are those of his lawyer telling him what to say!!!!!!!

MY view, loves is that these voices are a calculated ploy on Aron's part to extricate himself from this situation as most beneficial to him as possible. Notice there was nothing about voices till a day or two after he was jailed, when it finally sunk into whatever lucid portion of his degenerate mind remains that he is in deep you- know- what!!!!!!! Hey, Levi, you should have thought about that, before luring Leiby Keltsky into your car!!!!!!!!!

Also, ex-wife Debbie is now claiming he beat her, tried to force sex on her, and harassed her mercilessly. Uh-huh. The Raving Queen is not a bit surprised, darlings; it is all part of the profile. So don't be surprised if we learn of some missing children or bodies in Memphis during this period. I will not be surprised at all.

Even ex-wife Number One, jailbird, Diana Diunov, has spoken out about him, saying he is a sociopath who knew exactly what he was doing, and that he is sane enough to stand trial. She also provides some insights into him, and an interesting motive.

She says he was raised by extremely strict parents, who embraced religiosity later in life, but with a fanatic fervor. He was dominated by his mother. The community in which he lived looked down on him, because he was not born into a religious life, he was low income and not a good martial prospect.

All of which can understandably erode one's self-esteem and breed resentment, but does not explain a socio-sexual predilection for boys and the capacity to kill and dismember.

According to Diunov, an underlying desire for fame was the motive for what he did. She makes one valid point--that the timing of the event was right after the Casey Anthony outcome, and he saw the media attention she got, and he hungered for that. She said he embraced such mainstream cultural icons as "Glee", "American Idol" and Lady Gaga, and always nursed in his heart the hope he would become a famed singer/songwriter.

Honey, let me tell you. Many, including yours truly, may have fame issues, but we do NOT go around killing and dismembering children. I can't even change a diaper, much less dispose of a body. So, while these desires may well be a part of Levi's personality, I don't think they are the prime motive.

I think she is onto something with the parental upbringing and social exclusion. Add socio-sexual pathology to that, and you have a credible motive. Levi Aron was beaten down by his stunted upbringing, failed attempts at relationships, and while considering himself a member of the Orthodox Jewish community, was not really embraced (more like begrudgingly tolerated) by them, leading to a sense of Jewish self-hatred that erupted when he saw Leiby Kletsky walking alone, and all these personality disturbances came together in one instant, compelling him to act. In some twisted way, he both loved and loathed Leiby Kletsky, as surely as he both loved and loathed himself. And in some bizarre way, I believe, Aron felt, by doing what he did, that he was killing the childhood self he resented, AND, on some level, saving Lebiy from becoming the adult he was, which he felt such an upbringing would result in.

That is the clearest motive I can construct for why Levi Aron murdered Leiby Kletskty. The dismemberment goes beyond anything I can fathom.

As everyone, from concerned parents to confirmed jailbirds are now pointing out, there was always something off kilter about Levi Aron. And Diunov points out, in that community, help is never sought. It was the proverbial Perfect Storm.

How right or wrong I am in these observations will be determined. Until more is heard, even from Aron's lips, this is what I am standing by, girls!!!!!!!!!

I disagree that he is sane. Anyone who did what he did could NOT be. I DO agree he fully knew what he was doing. And how about this supposedly shy guy having TWO ex-wives??? Granted, the marriages petered out after a brief time, but he was enough of a smoothie to win them, however he did. A REAL sociopath, honey!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I will continue to be on the beat about this. I have no idea what the conclusion will be, except that I have the feeling that, in some horrible way, even with legalities at work, it will end somehow in the death of Levi Aron!!!!!!!!

The fortitude of the Kletskys can only be admired. The soul of their child still cries out for justice!!!!!!!!!!!

Power To The People, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Butcha! Butcha!!!!!!!!!!

No, girls, I am not quoting lyrics from "Fiddler On The Roof," though, knowing me, one might expect that. As I have rightly concluded, gradually more and more is coming out about the Monster of Borough Park, Brooklyn--Levi Aron.

According to latest discoveries is that, while living in Memphis, he worked for awhile there, as a Kosher butcher. This meant he had the skill and the facility to dismember, whether it be animals or a human body. And that the dismemberment was done with a series of carving knives indicates Aron had the equipment for such a venture, and that the idea of doing this was somewhere in the recesses of his mind.

Add to this Aron's body showing scratches and bruises, indicating there had been a struggle on the part of young Leiby Kletsky. The kid had literally been fighting for his life!!!!!!! And, marks on the boy's body suggests physical restraint, which suggests he may have been tied up prior to the killing, explaining the boy's inability to escape, which I earlier questioned.

The search is now on to dig further into Aron's background, with the possibility of him being a serial killer having already been suggested. Pay attention here, lambs--he fits so much of the profile already. He is white, male, prime age (35), and his family situation is suspect which paves the way for the kinds of behavior problems associated with these types of individuals.

Just remember, girls, you heard it first here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the iceberg has yet to be tipped!!!!!! But when it does-----!!!!!

You better believe I hear "Law And Order......." in the background!!!!!!!!!!!

Take A Good Look At The Face Of EVIL, Darlings!!!!!!!!!

Remember the Alfred Hitchcock movie, "Shadow Of A Doubt," girls???? The killer, played by the underrated Joseph Cotten, was able to skillfully cloak his sins, being the Merry Widow murderer on one hand, while an adored family member to his relations, most especially his adoring older sister, played by Patricia Collinge. Only his niece, named Charlie, after him (excellently played by Teresa Wight) stumbles onto the truth, and when he dies at the end, it is with his secret kept from his still adoring relations by Charlie. At one point, Collinge reveals that he was in some accident--falling off a bike, I think, and suffered some head trauma--which changed him in some way.

How disturbingly similar this sounds to Levi Aron. Except with some minor differences.

Slowly and inexorably, things are coming out about him.

His ex-wife Debbie, got an order of protection, before their divorce.

A neighbor says her son, months before, was approached and offered a ride
in the car by Aron. He rightfully declined, and she thought nothing of it until Leiby Keltzsky's disappearance.

Various people described him as "creepy," "one who liked to hang out at playgrounds."

Darlings, it is clear enough to me! Levi Aron was a ticking Time Bomb, waiting to detonate, and on July 12 and 13 he did, when he abducted, killed, and, if anything could get worse, and it did, mutilated the body of an innocent young boy, the aforementioned Leiby Kletzsky.

There was no doubt in my mind, as of yesterday, as to who would be this weeks's Bitch Of The Week Award Winner. In fact, so heinous are Aron's deeds, I cannot see anyone beating him out, when the time comes, for Bitch Of The Year.

Alas, this is not a fun column. It is a far cry from the days when someone like 70's homophobe Anita Bryant might have been named, even though she kissed little Orange Bird on all those juice commercials, unaware he was getting all the action he could at every gay bar in Florida!!!!!!!!! If her timing had been better, Anita could have been a great Fag Hag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This column is usually fun to write. But occasionally it is not, and not only is this one of those times, it is one of the darkest.

Levi Aron reminds me, to a degree, of the Peter Lorre character, in "M." In that film, the entire underworld community united to find him, just as the Brooklyn Jewish community of the Kletzslys united in the boy's search. But Lorre was judged by a kangaroo court of his peers; Aron will undergo more conventional justice, but with a city shocked by the most heinous crime against a child since Etan Patz a generation before, cries of outrage, bloodlust and retribution are sure to follow.

It is a good thing investigators are starting to dig into Aron's background. Because, as I said yesterday, things do not add up. And the more that comes out, the more is needed to know.

Aron is Jewish Orthodox, but not of the Hasidic community. His father was said to be religious and domineering. He is described as "more of his mother's boy than his father's" by one neighbor. And that mother died in 2,000, while Aron was still in his early twenties. Perhaps she was the glue holding him together. And perhaps with her passing and the years following, Aron eroded.

I would hazard a guess that Aron sent out signals without anyone realizing it, or wanting to. His penchant for picking up kids in cars, or wanting to, indicates a deep seated struggle with impulses he finally lost control of with Leiby Kletzsky. This was just waiting to happen to Aron, and, unfortunately, the Opportunity of Evil presented him with young Kletzsky, who crossed paths with him in a neighborhood with which the boy was not at all familiar. Aron saw and seized the opportunity, and then impulse and events seized him.

That is my take on all this, girls!!!!!!!!!! And of course one's heart goes out to the innocent soul of Leiby Kletzsky, and his surviving family. But something needs to be said of the Aron family, too. They are in the proverbial rock and hard place. And, as this crime becomes a part, as it will, of city history, descendants of theirs will unfortunately not be able to escape the stigma of people saying "you're related to that guy who killed Leiby Kletzsky", long after they would know or have any connection to it. That is indeed unfortunate.

But it is equally unfortunate that, within the immediate family, more of Levi Aron's signals were not picked up on, or, maybe, ignored. Then he might have gotten the help he needed. And Leiby Kletzsky would be here to celebrate what would have been his ninth birthday next week.

The evil festering in this man's heart went unnoticed. Is his fammily to blame? Technically, no, though they will be found guilty in the Court of Public Opinion. In the end, though, it is Levi Aron, Bitch Of The Week, who will stand trial, and face whatever sentence--death or life confinement--gets pronounced upon him. If given the latter (life), he should, probably be placed in Solitary, because, for certain he will be murdered if thrown in with the prison community. With very few to mourn him, as we now mourn Leiby Kletzsky.

This will surely be remembered by all us New York dwellers as the single most memorable event of Summer 2011. And you can be sure I will report to my girls in weeks to come.

But right now, we have Levi Aron, one of the most evil BOTW's to grace this column!!!!! May his like not be seen again too soon!!!!!!!!!!!

And may we all find peace in the wake of this unspeakable tragedy!!!!!!!

Happy Bastille Day, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is Bastille Day, girls, so remember Blanche Yurka as Madame DeFarge in the Selznick film version of "A Tale Of Two Cities". Her cat fight with Edna Mae Oliver is one of the greatest!!!!!! Then watch Norma Shearer in "Marie Antoinette, and eat cakes and pastry!!!!!!

For years in New York, a small French restaurant near Barrow Street in the Village had men in drag dressed as Marie appearing there annually. I would not be surprised if they appear again--ANY excuse, for a drag queen!!!!--though the restaurant in that spot now is no longer French. But that does not mean drag Maries won't pop up somewhere else!!!!

So, have a lovely Bastille, loves!!!!! Allons ons, mes enfants!!!!!!!!!!! Et mes filles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

When Will Society Stop Hurting Our Children?????????

Excuse me, if I step off the glamour beat for a moment, girls, because the Leiby Kletsky murder has upset me like no other event since the death last year of Tyler Clementi. The similarities to the Etan Patz case, for those of us old enough to remember it, are frightening. Justice has been rendered with the apprehension of Levi Aron, and he will pay for his crime, but there are several things that do NOT add up.

According to what I have read, there is no evidence young Kletsky was sexually abused???? Oh, yeah??? How can you tell, when all you have are a set of body parts, and maybe not (as far as I know) the entire body???????

Aron says he took the child to his apartment. What did he think he was going to do with him????? What kind of 35 year old adult takes a strange prepubescent boy to his place of residence???????????

He further says he had the child there for several hours. What was he doing--playing Canasta??????

He also says he went out on the street, leaving the boy in the apartment.
Had the boy been physically restrained? Or was he simply too scared or naive to seek a means of escape????? Then, while out on the street, Aron realized the seriousness of the search, and, fearful of being caught, panicked and killed the boy.

He did it like a seasoned pro. Which means, I am telling you, his background should be looked at microscopically. Because then will be found the tiniest kernel proving that this was no random or initial occurrence.

Leiby Kletsky was supposedly suffocated and then dismembered. I only pray he was deceased before the latter took place. Now, how does someone with no discernible criminal record or experience, dismember a body so successfully? I mean, for the amateur, slicing through bone tissue can prove difficult. It appears Aron had no such difficulty. Or maybe he obsessively got off on the George Harvey scenes in "The Lovely Bones" movie and took his cues from there.

Aron's ex-wife in Memphis, Tennessee, says she is genuinely shocked, that he loved her two children from a previous marriage. She says a "conflict of character" led to their divorce!!!!!!! Oh, come on, sweetheart, you can do better than that!!!!!!!!!

I think the Memphis police should look into child fatalities during the time Aron lived there. I think they will find some kind of correlation.

The poor Kletskys. The only ones who can possibly understand their pain are the Patzes. At least the Kletskys got closure. Which doesn't make it any easier, but now the child can be put to rest by the family that loved him. And as the Clementis can tell them, these days in July will be with them always, as will those September days last year for Joe and Jane Clementi.

I want justice done for this child. I want him laid peacefully to rest, and then I want to see his killer get what he has coming to him. A shot in the arm. But not before his psychopathology is explored and laid bare for all of us.

Tonight, I want all my girls to pray and think about Leiby and the Kletsklys. And I want you to think on what improvements our society can make so that it stops hurting its children. And you can always comment on here to me, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace and Justice for Leiby and his Family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Heaven Help Us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, let me tell you, after living through the idiocy of last theater season, that is, the debacle which was 'Spider Man', one would hope seasoned Broadway professionals, having witnessed firsthand the Rise and Fall of Miss Taymor, would take a lesson, and offer us some quality fare this forthcoming season. Not that there might not be, after all, though this just in serves as an indicator that nothing has been learnt.

Next season, we will be presented with (for however long it runs, and I am saying right now it will not be long!!!!!!) a musical version of--are you ready, girls????--"Rebecca" by Daphne Du Maurier!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, loves, I am talking about THAT "Rebecca," which became the iconic David O. Selznick-Alfred Hitchcock movie, featuring Joan Fontaine, Laurence Olivier, and, in her iconic role as Mrs. Danvers, Judith Anderson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The first thing I want to say is--why has no one approached me about the role of Mrs. Danvers?????? That was always the scene stealing role in the story, and you bet I could have a field day with it. Especially if the creators--and I insist on this, not only for me, but for whomever plays it--writes her a showstopping number!!!!!!! This cold net me a TONY Award!!!!!!!!!!!!

The second thing needing to be said is--what the Hell are they thinking????
"Rebecca", with its atmospheric direction and A-list cast, is perfection that cannot be improved upon. So why bother??????? And look at the commercial failure of the "Jane Eyre" (a genre precursor of "Rebecca") several seasons back. Not only did it not do well, each involved a pivotal house fire, as well.

Which brings me to something else. The musical was budgeted at $16 million, chiefly because of its plan to recreate onstage the burning down of Manderly. Now, they have lopped off $5million of that by doing away with the stage effect of a collapsing staircase in the blaze. If you ask me, by the time this gets mounted on Broadway, Manderly will be a miniature house suspended in midair on wires, or on a table so far upstage it will look like a camera long shot. They will light a nightly match to the miniature, and--WHOOF!!!!!!!!!!!

Who are they trying to kid? The theatergoing public??? Maybe, but after all the scandal over 'Spider Man,' theatergoers are not to be fooled that easily.
And who would be foolish enough to take this project on???? Not Our Miss Julie; having been bitten once, even she would not be this foolish. Susan Stroman? This did not seem like her kind of vehicle. My guess? Rob Ashmore, who is riding high with his successful back to back revivals of "Promises, Promiese" and 'How To Succeed.' He is due for a falling, and if he takes on "Rebecca," he just may get it. But then, so will anyone who does, if Ashmore is not chosen.

I know what you are asking, darlings--will I see it?????? Honey, if it runs long enough, I will go, because this could be the most exciting piece of crap since "Carrie." Which, regretfully, I did not see!!!!!!!!!

Once upon a time, we were excited about a theater season, due to upcoming hits. What has it come to that now we are excited about the flops????? If the Theater Gods deign to smile, they will not allow this travesty to happen.

I dread it. Because, mark my words, this show will open with these
apocryphal words set to music--

"Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderly again."

See you on the Rialto, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!