Thursday, December 31, 2009

Auld Lang Syne, Darlings, Auld Lang Syne!!!!!

Well, girls, these are the last words you will hear from me in 2009, and thank God for that. Kiss this year goodbye, and point me towards tomorrow. Not that all was done for love, but a lot wasn't, including dealing with some fucking sons of bitches whom I hope vanish in some way during the coming year. But that is just me being a bitch, darlings.

What have we learned from 20009? Well--

1. That I am SO FABULOUS darlings. I am telling you, SO FABULOUS!

2. That while Grotesque Creatures still exist, and got something of a downfall during 2009
they can and will be destroyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. That if Jennifer Jones--Jennifer Jones, darlings-- can die, what chance do the rest of us have?

4. That Meryl Streep and Amy Adams are DIVINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. That Julie Powell taught us that men can reclaim the kitchen for themselves!!!!!!!!11
6. That The New York Times is no longer the arbiter of literary taste, as they proved this
year they don't know kiss-all about it. The arbiter from now on is MOI!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. That the older one gets, girls, you cannot be without your compact!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. That I need a husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. That fools are not to be suffered gladly!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10. And that you are all my fabulous girls out there, so a happy 2010 to ALL!!!!!!!!!!!

That is about it, darlings! Have fun and be safe whatever you do this evenings, and remember I will be here for another year to guide you through not only my life but what you can do about yours, darlings!!!!!!

Happy New Year, Loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Darlings, This Is A Special Anniversary Of Sorts!!

Girls, as might be expected, it is an anniversary, only I would know, since it is all about moi. Few things on here are not, darlings!!!!! It goes back 45 years, when I was in fourth grade and in that bitch Norma Brodsky's class. Norma Brodsky, who could not deal with a student of superior intellect in a class full of dummies, and who had not comprehension on how to deal with a child who was ready for Dickens and Melville, as I was that year, darlings. And I had already gone through the entire Childhood Of Famous Americans series. Well, on this day 45 years ago, began a phase of life that still continues, lambs; it is when I got my first pair of glasses. Girls, it was so exciting--first of all, because it was a new accessory, and even at that age, darlings, I recongnized the importance of accessorization. I told you I was ahead of everyone else. It also made me feel intellectual, because back then I thought only intellectuals wore glasses, and Iwanted to be among the intelligensia. Of course, TODAY I know that is not true; some of the world's prize dummies wear glasses. Neverhtless today I have been wearing them for 45 years.

Some readers, having gleaned my darker passages, feel I have a chip on my shoulder. Let me clarify that, darlings. I have NO regrets about the post high school phase of my life, but have bitter eternal resentment towards those first twelve years, and how they were handled. The consequences, of course, were that, had they been handled better, had I been accorded the treatement I SHOULD have, I would have gone farther in life than I would, and would by now have the fame and adulation I crave. But I am not dead yet, darlings, which means I am not going to stop craving it, until I get it, and you can complain all you want about this chip on my shoulder, but let me tell you, lambs, I will bitch you down until you are dead. So go on, hons, bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It looks like I am going to clock out at only 107 or 108 books for 2009, which is down from last year's record breaker of 114. But a new year begins on Friday, and as Grace Slick said at Wooodstock, "It's a new dawn!"

See you at auld lang syne, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Well. Girls, I Am Back....Sort Of!!!!!!!!!!!!

The year is winding down, darling, and of course things are still not running smoothly. Have to try to have my endocrinologist phone in a perscription for thyroid med, or I am going to have to go to his office tomorrow to beg for one! "The Lovely Bones," which I considered seeing a second time, may no longer be playing at Linclon Square, so to hell with that. And I have been laid up for two days; Sunday with the trip from Hell back to NYC, and then a migraine/sickness the next day, which meant cancelling a dental appt. So now I am blogging, have got to get something in my stomach, and then high tail it into the city. Darlings, I hope all this drama does not bode for 2010; this year was rough enough, I do not need more!!!!!

And New Years Eve! It may just be dinner with the Girls at Good Stuff, and that is it!!!! When you have no husband, what is the alternative? But, darlings, I am not giving up because I know, girls, I am still fabulous, and someday it will be rewarded. In the meantime, I have to run, because there is just so much to do today that I will have to get up at my usual work time tomorrow. So much for vacations being relaxing; though, at least I am not dealing with Grotesque Creatures!!!!!

Happy Countdown, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Darlings, Bieber Is A Bitch!!!!!

That's right, girls! Bieber, not beaver. I am talking about the Bieber bus company, which brought me down here to King of Prusia PA, and was supposed to take me back home to NYC, and still might, only we do not know when. The latest hopeful sign is a 6:10 express, which will put be back in the city at the standard 8:10, which puts the prospect of Dignity and choir pretty much out of reach this week. But if those two rude bitches working the King of Prussia office had had their act together, and not so much ATTITUDE, this could have been avoided, and instead of driving back and forth to the bus stop all day, we could have planned an extra day hear, knowing I would not be leaving till 6:10 PM. Well, I sure will next time, that is IF Bieber is still running things, because, dolls, when I get through complaining they may not be. And those two scabs are going to be fired if I have anything to say about it. I am telling you, you do NOT mess with a New York City bitch, and believe me I am one NEW YORK CITY BITCH!!!!!!!!!!

So let's hear a bitch for Bieber, the bitchingest of bus companies! And that is not a compliment, darlings.

Hope to see you in New York, loves!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I Am Coming Back, Like Dolly Levi!!!!!!!

Well, girls, please God--help!--this afternoon I should be enroute back to New York, which hopefully will get me there in time to sing in the choir, which needs my show stopping Broadway voice, lambs, to carry on. And won't James look SO pretty????? I am telling you it has been quite a holiday, what with children, "Sherlock Holmes," and Santa Baby, while not slipping a sable or a man under my tree, slipping enough under there to make it a worthwhile Christmas. And now back to the dentist tomorrow--ugh--and then a whole week to blog with my girls, and put some cleaning touches on the apartment, and fill the kitchen with an assortment of dishes. Now I have mastered wine opening, I am ready for beef bourgenon and chickens awx champignons!!! So watch out, darlings, I am still on the lookout for a husband, and armed with the ammunition to get one.

Completed "Wolf Hall," which is book #105, and now working on #106, which is "Orlando" by Virginia Woolf. Just do not think I will make it to my record breaking 114 last year, but let us hope I can make it to some movies and a hair appointment, girls!!!

So this is my last missive to you in PA, loves. When next you hear I should be back in the nabe, armed and ready to go!!!!!!

Happy Holiday Week, loves!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Girls, We Have Survived To The Morning After!!!!!!!!

Darlings, what a charming time it was!!! The roasted vegetables were the sensation of the day, and les petits enfants were aglow with the joy of the Christmas Holiday. Girls, I want to remind you that soap stains your skin while DOVE creams your skin, so use that beauty bar, darlings, to keep that skin nice and creamed. But not like creamed onions.

Are we ready to wind down? Not yet, what with some books to finish, a movie to see, and let me tell you, down here in this suburban neighborood, you might as well be the set of "The Lovely Bones." How many George Harveys are around here, I wonder? Hmmm? How about that, lambs?

But enjoy the day, and when I get back to New York, believe me, as Grace Slick once said at Woodstock, "It's a new dawn!"

Merry post-Christmas loves! And don't forget it is the anniversary of when that bitch Patsy killed her beauty queen daughter Jon Benet Ramsey!!!!!!!

Toodles, loves!

Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas, Darlings!!!!!

Well, girls, here we are, the Festive Christmas!!!!! No stopping it from coming it came, as the Grinch says. Girls, we are looking forward to our celebration, to the fact that we all have made it through this year to another Christmas, and to the presents, and the arrival of les petits enfants, which, girls, after a visit with them, will make me feel SO glad I am homosexual, and cannot have children!!!!!!

But a Christmas greeting to all my readers out there; I love you all, and know you just love my fabulousness, darling. Here is hoping I can activate some changes will I return to NYC --even a Catholic singles group, if it will land me a partner!!!! There has to be someone out for me, and that is my most fervent Christmas wish. So in the meantime, cuddle up to those you do have and cherish them, while I drink my spinsterhood away via a bottle of Dom Perignon!!!!!
Merry Christmas, loves! And yes I am posting this dressed in my red plaid flannel nightie!!!! Picture that, girls!!!!! Darlings, I am SO GOROGEOUS!!!!!!

Love to all, my lambs!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Soon It Will Be Christmas Eve, Darlings!!!!!!!!!

It has arrived, girls, which means tonight I curl up in front of the fireplace in my red plaid Christmas flannel nightie, sipping coffee, eating cookies, reading Jane Austen by the fireplace...and , honey, you better believe this is how I do Christmas Eve. Don't forget watching Midnight Mass from St. Patrick's this eve, after attending our own personal Christmas mass at St. Teresa's, where the baby Jesus, darlings, FINALLY makes his debut. And isn't he cute???? It would just warm the cockles of the heart of Father Guido Sarducci. My heart will be warmed by the festive holiday cheer, and the hopeful possibility that I may not be alone all my life; hell, this was starting to lift, as soon as I arrived yesterday, dolls, so you better believe that Christmas Eve is special. So have yourself a Merry, loves, and I will make a special effort tomorrow to post a SPECIAL Christmas Day blog, dressed in my red flannel nightie, while I do it. Picture that, girls!!!!!!!!

Darlings, We Have Travelled Down The Dixie Sunny Shore!!!!

Well, girls, not really, but here we are in the Keystone state of Pennysylvania, where, by the way, darlings, they filmed "The Lovely Bones," so watch out, all you PA'ers, for guys in your neighborhood who gives you a dollhouse for Christmas. Sweetheart, let me tell you, I never played with dollhouses. It was strictly Colorforms--Miss Cookie's Kitchen, and the Debbie Reynolds Dress Designer Kit, loves.

But in any case, we are here, ensconced in a snow filled suburban landscape, where my father, at 94, is reigning with difficulty, as he tries to maintain his Irish independence over anyone else.
Can you see now, girls, why I need a husband. My young nephew, Matthew, and his lovely wife, Cyndi, are here and I have to get them to teach me to open a wine bottle, because cooking with wine is the final phase in my Amy Adams/Julie Powell culinary journey, and I have got to make th goddmned beef bourgenon and chicken aux champignons!!!!!

So let's all have a fabulous holiday season, and hope that thing turn around in 2010. And be sure to avoid all social deviants, darlings--no one who is NOT a Miss Porter's graduate!!!!!

Happy Holidays, loves!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Girls, The Countdown Has Begun!!!!

Well, darlings, we have finished our Christmas shopping, still have to pack, clock it out of here tomorrow at noon, and all while nursing the fact that another year looms and no propsect of any real change--ie; a partner. I have even tried drug addicts and bipolars, all to no avail. And I have had no luck with more stable types, either. I mean, what is wrong with me? Even serial killers, like John Gacy, have been married, and I sure as hell ain't no serial killer, honey!!! So what gives. I am beginning to feel what is the point of going on, if I am going to wind up alone. I mean, after my father, and my sister, what is left? Would you believe I had therapy this morning? You wouldn't, girls, after reading this!!!!

What is the answer? A trip to the hair salon is a temporary fix. Maybe I should just pull up stakes and move somewhere else--like London, or Ireland. Hell, I wish some religious order would take me; I would be less alone there. If I do not lick this thing in 2010, I do not know if I can go on.

Nevertheless, I am reading and blogging and keeping all you girls informed. My panties are clean, and I am ready to pack tonight. I have all my meds, which from the above you better believe I have!!!!! Now if only I can jump start my emotional state. I DO NOT ACCEPT BEING ALONE!!!!! Even addicts live in a halfway house!

Things just better improve, girls, or drastic steps will be taken. In the meantime, I am going to wish you all the best, and hopefully, girls, a big Christmas blog from me on the 25th!!!!!! I may be down, but you are still my girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Girls, I Am Not Through Yet!!!!!!!!!!!!

First of all, darlings, tributes from all over the world continue to pour in for Miss Jennifer Jones. I had a phone call yesterday, darling, only was not home to receive it. Now, let me enlighten you out there on why Miss Jones' passing is so cataclysmic.

You have to understand, darlings, in the war ravaged America of 1943 appeared suddenly this film of inspirational beauty, entitled "The Song of Bernadette." Playing the title role was Jones, who seemingly sprung out of nowhere, and out of nowhere gives a performance--GIVES A PERFORMANCE, DARLINGS!!!-that breaks new ground in film acting with its internalization, and paved the way for future actresses, such as Meryl Streep! That's right, honey, Meryl owes a lot to Jennifer Jones, and you better believe she knows it!!! As do all of us who were influenced by her, wanting to look like her, wear her hair like her! Darlings, she defined beauty for well over a half century!!!!! I still boil rose petals, girls!!!!!

But I am going to be boiling mad if I don't get my Christmas shopping done, something in my stomach--food, lambs, not a man--and books read, presents wrapped, clothes packed--girls, even on vacation it never stops!!!! Not to mention I need some hot action, but fat chance of that!!!!! And yesterday, we saw "The Hurt Locker" and let me tell you how disturbing it was!!!!
The war, the violence, and then Jeremy Renner's hunky man chest!!!!! He can straddle me anytime, girls!!!! Anyway, time is a wasting, this is supposed to be the shortest day of the year--like I can tell?--so I better get busy. In case I am off here for awhile, I want to wish a special Christmas wish to all my girls, heat up that Yule Log and get those fires going!!!!!

Shop until we drop, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!111

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Darlings, There Is So Much To Report!!!!!!

Well, girls, on this, the third day of this new post-Jennifer Jones era, let me tell you about the first time I saw "Since You Went Away." Oh, my God! When I saw the famous farewell scene at the train station--the GREATEST of all farewell scenes, girls!--I was so tearful and overcome I had to run to the bathroom in hysterics. Just like Jones did on the set of the film, which demonstrates that even in life we were channeling each other, darlings.

I am also here to report that last night's Annual Christmas Party went off surprisingly well in spite of the remarkably subuded tone compared to other years. There were no free for alls--too bad, in one respect--but things did get a little Tolkeinesque, what with Grotesque Creatures lurking about. Fortunately, they did not step out of their primordial lairs and cross those of us they dare not cross!!!!!! And while I did not quite feel like Donna McKechnie as Vivien Della Hoya, it was lovely seeing old familar faces, and let me tell you, darlings, the debut of Red Velvet Cake at this party was a definite highlight. Girls, if --only IF--my wedding is held, Red Velvet will be my wedding cake, because it is just like me--white and pure on the outside, and sizzling red on the inside. And don't forget my Vera Wang wedding gown!!!!!

Mr. Mayer looked simply FABULOUS, and wouldn't he make an excellent Lady Bracknell in "The Importance of Being Ernest?" Just as I would make a FABULOUS Miss Prism. I am so glad Miss P got a musical number in the musical "Ernest In Love;" sweetheart, I am ready to take it on!!!!!! Drinks flowed at the party, food was consumed, and a good time was generally had by all, but the absence of the Misses Janice and Annette left us wondering, as this would be the first party NOT to make the Social Register!!!!!! Their abscence left an indelible mark of omission and had guests wondering why--was it a gala? dinner at Anna's? or an evening of reading Walter Scott while listening to Janice's mother recall her ribald days as a Selznick contract player, having lunch with Joan Fontaine at the Brown Derby????? Darlings, what becomes a legend most? Janice and her mother!!!! And the presence of Tema, our Queen of Crudites was very much in evidence, and her spirit will always hover over those crudites; no matter where she goes Tema will always regin as Queen.

There is even more, girls! Do you know what today IS? Well, first of all, 52 years ago tonight "The Music Man" opened on Broadway at the Majestic Theatre and conferred stardom on two performers named Robert Preston and Barbara Cook, and Miss Cook is still going strong, honey!!!! And also this is the birthday of our beloved Jake Gyllenhaal, that happy, smiling Precious Lamb with those SO pretty eyes and smile, and let me tell you, no one is as good as Jake when he is playing bad. And, girls, you know I want to get BAD with Jake!!!!!

So have a piece of Jake cake today and honor his scrumptiousness. Personally, I would like a piece of Jake--and what a piece!!!!--but tonight it is just cake for me, girls!!!!!!!!

Yes, it has been quite a 24 hours!!!! Miss Dinah Washingotn was not kidding!!!!

Toodles, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Darlings, I Am Emotionally Devastated By The Death Of Jennifer Jones!!!!!!

Girls, you better believe I watched "The Song of Bernadette" in penitence on my knees--ON MY KNEES, darlings--as a tribute to one who epitomized glamour coupled with humanitarian causes. I am sure right now Jennifer and Bernadette Soubirous are sitting at a table drinking Starbucks. Bernadette is telling Miss Jones what the movie did and did not get right. One thing I am sure Bernadette is bound to say is "Honey, you were far too pretty to play me!" I am sure they will be joined by Mother Teresa, drinking Pabst and smoking a stokie, dressed in her familar white outfilt with blue trim, but Gucci heels, who will concur with Bernadette, saying to Jennifer, "Let me tell you something, doll! Sainthood ain't pretty!"

Yet in spite of this I must rally and be glamorous like our Miss Jones. I must get into the city, get a bus tkt to PA, do Christmas shopping, read, and then troop uptown to the Annual Workplace Christmas Party, where I will do my best to be like Donna McKechnie as Vivien Della Hoya in "Promises, Promises!" But who knows if this party will be "Turkey Lurkey Time" or a free for all! Inquiring minds want to know, and, girls, I will be sure to report back tomorrow on what went on tonight. So a tribute to Jennifer Jones and watch one of her films over the weekend! And don't forget the rose petals on the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The World As We Know It Has Ended!!!!

Well, girls at around 4PM today I heard the sad news--Jennifer Jones, who stunned the world with her stunning Academy Award winning performance in "The Song of Bernadette" bade farewell to this world, at the age of 90. With her goes another remnant of glamour, and now there are only three left--Janice, Annette and Blythe Danner. That's it. After that, it is goodbye for glamour. I mean, do you think Anna or Grace Coddington could compete with any of these!
I don't think so, girls!

Tomorrow I have the day off, so I intend to watch "The Song of Bernadette" and apply fresh rose petals to my face, which as anyone who should knows, is the official Jennifer Jones Beauty Regimen. I can guarantee you that when she went, her hair and her skin were perfect!!! Make sure yours is perfect at all times, girls, for if Jennifer Jones can die, what does that say about the rest of us??? So we had better be ready; this is a perfect example of why I am telling you how it is always important to look your best and wear fresh panties!!!!! I am going to change mine as soon as I get home, darlings!!!!!

Farewell to one of the truly great figures of our time!!!! The performances and films will live on when the rest of us have shuffled off this mortal coil.

And maybe before then I will have found a husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, Let's Get Under That Christmas Tree, And Sing "Santa, Baby!"

....And maybe, just maybe, darlings, he will slip something under that tree. While a MAN would be just perfect, girls, what would be just as good would be peace of mind, because that is what we are in need of this holiday season. And on the eve of the Annual Christmas Party, where who knows what is going to happen, and me having to buy bus tickets, do Christmas shopping, pay bills, and so many other things tomorrow...well, sweethearts, I am telling you it is just too much.

So if we do that vocal rendition and show that we REALLY have been good girls, maybe we will be rewarded. Let us hope one of those rewards is that 2010 is better than 2009. And tonight we have special treats at the Center, and maybe even a little flirtation. You KNOW I will sing "Santa, Baby" there. And that is "Santa, Baby," not "Satan, Baby," so like the song says you better watch out!!!!!! I want a Toyland Town all around my damn Christmas tree, let me tell you!!!!! Bring back the Yule Log, "March of the Wooden Soldiers" and Boogieland!!!!!! And, darlings let us try really hard to fly out that nursery window tonight with Peter Pan!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Darlings, I;m Not Exactly Feeling Like "Gigi", But... least, girls, something from yesterday has lifted. With just two days to go till the Anuual Workplace Christmas Party, tension is high as to whether it is going to be "Turkey Lurkey Time" or a free for all! I just hope Grotesque Creatures keep away.

Lambs, I just cannot believe it! I just took a quiz called "Am I A Bitch?" and would you believe I flunked? I, who was Advanced Placement in school? And I certainly was Advanced Placement Bitch!!!! But I flunked this quz, scoring only a 57! Sweehearts, let me tell you, I am 100% bitch!
If you need me to be a bitch, believe me I can oblige. I got first rate training in Highland Park, New Jersey, from some of the finest bitches I know. It just goes to show these online quzzes are so bogus; hell I would probably score 100% on a serial killer profile, even though everyone knows I am not interested in being a SK, I want to catch one. But perhaps a litte distancing from "The Lovely Bones" is improving my perspective, what with reading the Booker Award Winning
"Wolf Hall" by Hilary Mantel, and then maybe "Orlando" by Virginia Woolf.

And tonight I have to march down to the world famous Malibu, where the elite meet to eat, and then dash over to the Irish Rep Theater to see the musical "Earnest In Love." Darlings, it could make my holiday season. Let's hope it is charming, lighthearted fare, which is just what I need. And all this hysteria can go kiss my ass!!!!! So let me tell you, I have a full program ahead, and I don't plan to stop this anytime soon. As long as my panties stay fresh, I know I will be OK.
Make sure your panties are at their freshest, girls--especially those you pack for the Holidays!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Darlings, Sometimes We Just Have To Go To Some Dark Places!!!!

Well, girls, we finished "The Lovely Bones" this morning, and let me tell you, Alice Sebold is not afraid to go to some dark places. And judging from what I know about her previous work, "Lucky" (which I am dying to read, lambs!) and of course "The Almost Moon," you have to hand it to her. So it is not surprising that I go to some dark places to, where I think about death as being more peaceful than this struggle for nothing life--rife with debt, loneliness (no life partner, no relationships even when I try to establish one) going home alone, getting older--how much worse can it get? Cancer, sure; but who knows that could be and is most likely coming. Right now I am so filled with anger for things being white elephanted at work, as well as the prospect of a partner not being anywhere in sight? I mean, what is the point of anything; even this, darlings, which has not netted me the movie or book deal I think I need to land me happiness. Hell, if it landed me someone, anyone--even someone who wanted me for my fame, at least that would be wanting ME. But don't worry; I am not about to travel once more down paths previouisly ventured, a la Chris or Daniel. What I would like to travel down some new path, even if it isn't a path I exprected. At least I would be travelling somewhere. Is it any wonder I want to go one on one with a serial killer, which I probably did last January 6 with that Long Island guy at the Woodside station. And I can still see him, and if he is out there, I will get that sick fuck!!!! See how just burting with anger and rage I am, girls? And here Christopher thinks I am back to my old self, that I've been quiet these past few months. Well, I have....waiting and planning to strike and my own inimitable way, of course. Meanwhile, darlings, I have just started "Wolf Hall" and aren't we thrilled, and I can have dinner with the girls tonight, and who knows maybe there will be a free for all at the meteting tonight. Girls, things have to change, and we will see what happens. Meantime, keep doing your hair and nails becauce the emphasis on beauty can never be streeed enough. Cream your faces tonight, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Darlings, You Can Learn A Lot From A Single Man Living In A House With Flaming Red Front Window Curtains!!!!!!

Yes, girls, you can learn SO much as I found out for myself on Friday, when I caught a 4PM screening of "The Lovely Bones." You learn that if you see such a sight in your neighborhood, you had better pay attention, because behind those curtains lives either a flagrant homosexual , or a serial killer. Personally, I would prefer the homosexual, as there would be the chance of a husband for me, though I would question the taste of one who would put such curtains in the front window; they belong in the bedroom, darling! But behind the curtains in TLB is Stanley Tucci, playing George Harvey, who is just your garden variety, heterosexual, sex sick serial killer. His being straight is a tip off that he has no idea about curtain placement, so right away that attracts or should attract suspicion. Yet Tucci is the best reason to see this bastardized adaptation of Alice Sebold's best seller, because in a frew brief strokes he manages to convey the SK persona, save for living with his mother, which many serial killers do. See, they hate women, but subconsciously get off on control and who better to control than their poor mothers, who they make cook and clean for them their whole lives!!!! I know these sick fuckers, believe me; I have probably dated some, and I am not afraid to take one on. You wanna mess with me, you serial killers? Just try it, because after 26 years of living in New York I do not take crap from anyone, and you had better believe I will psychologically destroy you, and send you to prison, Barbra Streisand or not!!!!!!

Of course, Saorise Ronan, brilliant as young Briony in "Atonement" is the perfect Susie Salmon, and she and Tucci are electric in the pit scene; too bad the crime is not more graphically enacted, whichg would have been a great acting coup for them, truer to Sebold's vision, and better filmmaking overall? But alas, Peter Jackson reduces this to the level of that "Twilight" teen garbage, when I wante a cold, clinical study of a serial killer. You think I can't spot a serial killer out there? I see a serial killer in almost everyone I see, and let me tell you I stand ready to mete out their justice--do to them what they do to their victims. Make them squeal and scream and hear their bones break and watch the blood pour out of their sick, undeserving bodies!!!! And they should be required to register like sex offenders, because if they did I would come after them.

So while "The Lovely Bones" is not good filmmaking, it is, in its own peculiar way, inspiring.
Now get out there, girls, and catch your own personal serial killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, There Is Nothing Like Fresh Panties And Steel Magnolias!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I was thinking this this morning while I was getting dress--nothing beats slipping into a clean, fresh, pair of panties, which you better believe I do every day girls! I mean--used panties--EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! When I get my husband who will work for me, he is going to do the wash EVERY day so that I will always have warm, fresh panties to slip into, and warm, fresh bed linen to curl into EVERY night. Believe me, this husband will be kept busy!!!! As should be the case, girls! And as soon as I find one, believe me, lambs, he will be put to work.

My friend Harvey is a steel magnolia. So too, it seems, is my father, for which I am grateful. I wish to report here that he skirted his hospital stay with flying colors, being put on two new meds, and nothing found in the endoscopy procedure. I mean, at 94, can you imagine! I cannot even imagine making it to 94, especially if I do not have a husband. It is tough enough being such at 55. Bur girl, there is still hope and inspiration to be drawn from these steel magnolias, so, aided by them and fresh panties and linen, we will soldier onward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 11, 2009

FABULOUS Coffee, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, darlings, as you might expect, we got a late start. Did have our fabulous coffee,though, and after I get done here, it is off to the City to see the Metropolitan Neapolitan Christmas tree, which, next to my birthday, really marks another year's passage for me. And that I have lived to see another tree. Then I am going to ATTEMPT to catch a screening of "The Lovely Bones," which could be difficult because it is only playing at one theater--how dumb--and I have some reservations, because Susie's rape and murder is not shown, and I am not sure if the film will explore George Harvey's childhood. Hell, I am not sure what that childhood was, I may have to read the damn book again.

But today is a floating holiday, loves, and if nothing else we will see the tree and then have a meal with the Harvey Girls. And then next week it is Christmas shopping and planning my holiday ensemble, which should take a day or two to throw together, along with my make-up and my moisturizers.

Just adoring Julie Powell's book, and having a fascinataing time learning about meat. I need to cook some. We are almost coming to Beef Bourgenon and Chicken Aux Champignons month, which is January. So watch out, girls, a food frenzy could erupt!!!!!!

Still trying to pursue a man, but no one to entice last night at the Center, and I am going have to call Derek and launch a phone approach. So wish me luck, girls, because time is a running out.
And make sure you keep all your bones lovely, if YOU want to get boned!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Just To Clear Something Up, And Assure Everyone I Am Not A Prostitute!!!!!!!

First of all, darlings, if I were a prostitute, I would be on Sutton Place, and would be the high priced spread, like Elizabeth Taylor in "Butterfield 8." And while we are talking of nice spreads, let me tell you about my other friend John (not the one who was with me at 'Finnian' yesterday) but John the attorney who woke me up yesterday morning. I had asked John to be one of the ticket takers for the show, but as you know he was unable, due to a committment that day. Nevertheless, the man has a way with words that the U.S. Court of Appeals could not begin to fathom, or even remember, those nasty old coots, and that skill of John's put me at ease. And he does have one of the ten best posteriors I have seen. So that is who the other John is, girls, I would not want to confuse you all.

Seems like I am the one confused. Here I am at my office, blogging away, looking at the work schedule for today, and here I am FREE today. Maybe I can catch Jake in "Brothers," have a nice meal, and read more of the new Julie Powell book--more on that later. And after talking to my sister last night, it is clear my father is not going to Judy's, because he is still hospitalized, where he is having an endoscopy this morning, so who knows what else is next? I still have to go downstairs and see if there is a reserve book for me--please, "Wolf Hall!"--and then I will be out and about, darlings, and you will not be able to keep up with me on the road. Or I could go home and make a chicken aux champignons with asparagus!!!!!! Then tonight it is the Center Library, where I have to buy Mike a chocolate soda, and attend the Reading Group, so I can my vote in for some real, not ersatz, literature, and bat my eyes at tender little Derek!!!!

Yes, we are busy, girls, and no let up in sight! But this is just to let you know what is going on, and that you are all loved. Now, about Julie Powell. According to her book, she is getting more loving than a body has a right to deserve. Honey, I could have told her about "D", because I have been out with so many of his gay male equivalents, and let me tell you, they are all SCUM!!!!!!!! I would like to find the gay male equivalent of Eric, who sounds like a dream, and you can bet I would not cheat on him. And of course I want a book/movie deal, which is what this is all about, anyway, lambs, so let me say that, while I adore Julie's book, it is a little triggering. I am up to the pig slaughter part, which I have a feeling is going to rival both Upton Sinclair and Brian De Palma, so I am braced.

And lastly, about being a prostitute. Girls, even if I wanted to, at my current age (55), and despite my relatively youthful looks, I would be lucky if I could scrape together twenty bucks from some toothless gramps going down on me in the bushes behind Doughboy Park in Woodside. Things have happened in those bushes, let me tell you. Not to me, of course. But that Doughboy statue there has seen more action than I have of late, certainly. But then I am not Amy Adams. Not that I want to be pregant; I would just like to get boned!!!!!

But enough with what I don't have. It is time for me to go out with what I do have, so sweeties you have yourselves a fabulous time, and bear with me because come Hell or high water I am going to walk down that aisle!!!!!!!!!!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Meryl or Amy gave me away????

See you, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Darlings, Things In Glocca Morra Were Never Like This!!!

Well, girls, we had quite a day, but it was not the day we expected. Actually, things really began 36 hours before. Now, we all know Amy Adams is pregnant, right? Well, I was so excited, I decided to email my friend Tom (the cherub) the news. Well, he was thrilled, too, but imagine my shock when I was told he had been laid off from his job the week before. This is unfair of Capitalism to Cherubs!!!! It is Cherub Discrimination, and I for one want you to know I am against it. But we still had the show to look forward to. And I must say Tom is handling the whole thing admirably--acting like he is on a vacation, which, in a sense, he is, and planning to enjoy the Holidays in spite of it. As am I.

THEN it began. Just before leaving work yesterday, I get an email from my sister, saying something had happened with our father, and she would message me at home. I knew then and there that I would have to start hunting for ticket takers to this show--there were two others--and I thought of Tom immediately. When I got home to my spacious apartment, darlings, there were two messages--one from my nephew Jonathan, tellinng me not to worry, and another from his mother, my sister, detailing what happened.

It seems that in the wee hours of the previous morning, my father experienced chest pains--he has done so before. And like before he did not tell anyone until it was too late for active action. So he and my sister spent last night in the hospital ER, after he was shipped there by ambulance, where he was, of course, admitted, and their trip was cancelled. I am sure I will have more info when I get home tonight, but I have just GOT to say--HONESTLY, every time something like this is planned with my father, it turns out, due to health or weather, he cannot make it. Which makes me wonder if he really subconsciously WANTS to in the first place. Which pisses me off, and disappoints ME, because this was a first rate production of a show that has not been revived on Broadway since 1947, and with a gorgeous score, and voices and production values to match, it was just about perfection. And at 94 it would have been good for him to have gone out with seeing a winner on Broadway. I am telling you, if he goes to Judy's tomorrow I will be furious!!!!! But we shall see. At least Tom and John enjoyed "Finnian's Rainbow," and at least I was able to get John as a third ticket taker. Too bad for me John has David for a partner, because I would go out with him. Alas, a spinster blogs.

This morning I was awakened out of a sound sleep, where I dreamt I was visiting Stanley Tucci and Meryl Streep, when there was a knock on the door, and in bounded my friend Audrey--whose Chanukah party we are attending on Sunday, darlings!--bearing gifts. What is that all about, I wonder. I had offered John a chance to see the show, but he was unable, being his office Christmas luncheon was being held that afternoon, but the man has a way with words that the courtroom does not even know about, and honey, we talked!!! I felt so relaxed afterwards, I was able to have my coffee, and face the challenge of today, where I succeeded in using all the tkts. Now I have to face the challenge of what I am going to hear at home tonight!!!

Girls, it is not easy. And I have not even begun to Christmas shop. But with my floating holiday on Friday, a visit to the MET Christmas tree and maybe "The Lovely Bones" (how cheerful is that?) maybe things will fall into place.

On the other hand, if I end up having to go to PA this weekend, I will NOT be surprised!!!!!

Hope you day was less drama ridden, girls! But if mine were, there would be no blog, and you would have nothing to read? See what being fabulous does for one?????

Cheers to all my darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Well, Girls, It Is Certain!!!!!!

Yes, darlings, Amy Adams--OUR Amy--is pregnant. Which means we are all going to get behind Amy and have that baby with her. Except that there is some DOUBT about the parentage. Most think her fiancee, handsome Darren Le Gerro (and he BETTER be handsome, if he is going out with our Amy, and treat her well) is the father, but I favor the theory that the baby is actually Meryl Streep's. After all, if Meryl wants fo father a child by Amy Adams then she will, because nothing is impossible for Meryl. And wouldn't it be fabulous, girls, if it WAS Meryl's baby? Twice the beauty and talent.

Tomorrow we have a big day what with a snowstorm and family plans--of course--to see "Finnian's Rainbow" with my 94 year old father, I just hope things turn out OK. Just like I hope my love life does, but unfortunately there seem to be these little blips that appear on my life like a radar screen and then disappear but do not materialize. I want my wedding, my gown--by Vera Wang, you better believe it!, and my suburban house in Great Neck Long Island. Am I asking too much, I just want this, and a book and movie deal? And to tell certain people who need to be told off!!!! Alas, tonight it is just dinner with Girls, and then reading and bed. And then people tell me they want my fabulous life!!! Well, honey, it's not for sale, but let me just say--fabulousness comes with a price!!!!!!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Darlings, We Just Had To Get Out The Flannel Nightie!!!!!!!!!!

Welll girls, you would not believe it, but by the time I got home to my parlor on Saturday night, the temperature had dropped so, the wind was howling like "Wuthering Heights," and I was so frigid I had to warm up with tea and a shower. That is when I made the decision to sleep in my green flannel nightie, and darlings, let me tell you, I felt so warm and toasty. Not nearly as toasy as cozing with a man, but in this instance the flannel would do. I thought some men I would like to cuddle with, particularly Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal, who I hear is just stunning in the movie "Brothers" which I am just bursting at the pants seams to see!!!! And the great acting, too!

Lambs, the word on the street is that Amy Adams--yes, OUR Amy--is pregnant!!!! Now, I refuse to believe this until I hear from Amy herself. I mean, does Meryl know about it? Has anyone talked to her? One thing for sure--IF Amy IS preganat, you had better believe it is an Immaculate Conception because like La Divine Meryl Amy is PURE and is not going to go through that birthing baby stuff!!!! But you just know the baby will be the most beautiful and brilliant, coming from Miss Amy Adams, so until I hear from Amy I will refrain from any more observations, but when I do I will let you know!!!!!

And once again I am in for a long haul at work, thinking next week was my late night, when this evening is!!! Can you believe it???? So I am going to sign off, finish "The Children's Book," and get on with my life. Darlings, we have such a week, what with "Finnian's Rainbow" on Wednesday and the Metropolitan Christmas Tree on Friday, not to mention the possibility of seeing "The Lovely Bones" on opening day--I am telling you, at this time of year it just does not stop!!!!!

So stay tuned and behave, girls! And I promise the minute I hear confirmation from Amy, I will let you know!!!!!!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Darlings, How Am I Suppose To Get Through Life Without Any Cream Sauce????

I would much prefer some cream sauce, girls, but the past week has been a whirlwind of dramatic excitement, because, for starters, lambs, I actually thought I was going to die!!!! That is right. Since early this week I have had this pain under my left arm and around to my shoulder blade, and with my healthy outlook I instantly think heart attack or cancer. I am such an optimist, girls!!!!!! This morning, it is gone. Like a miracle, and I am certainly no Bernadette!!!! A colleague thought it might be stress, which it could certainly be, but maybe it is from too much slumping over a desk, which I have to do, darlings, not just to report to all my loves out there, but which I am required to do in order to get a paycheck. So it could just be physical wear.

And from the week I have had there has been both physical and emotional wear. You heard about the stunning retirement dinner, but you did not hear about the fabulous Reading Group Annual Christmas Party, hosted once again by Adam, with libations supplied by his partner, Joel. Every time I go to this event, I feel like Judy (Garland), girls, because Joel makes the best mai tais and he just piles them on. Judy would have been proud of all I drank--at least four mai tais, some glasses of wine, and two glasses of champagne. I certainly felt a song coming on, I can tell you, though of course Judy could outdrink any of us there. Hell, with her credentials she could have gotten a teaching post at any college of pharmacology in America!!!!!!! But the party was a huge success, and there were so many tasty treats, including this tender little thing called Derek, and wouldn't we just like to treat him to some of our tenderness, girls!!!! Well, as Judy would say, "You gotta have bells that'll ring; you gotta have songs that you sing!" So I will do my best girls.

But it is going to be a challenge. Because last eve, after recovering from the pressure of my week which resulted in a hangover/migraine/virus/all of the above, I still managed to make it out the door, where history was made at the Lincoln Square Barnes and Noble when two bloggers meant face to face--yours truly, girls, and Miss Bloggger herself, Julie Powell. Julie was promoting her new book, entitled "Cleaving--A Story of Meat, Marriage and Obsession," and she was just so charming in her Austin, Texas way, and she even answered my question. Now pay attention, everyone, because this is where the cream sauce comes in. I told her how influential her writing had been to me, as it made me realize that the Kitchen is the LAST chance I have to land a husband; and I have tried EVERYTHING else!!!!! So I asked Miss Julie, what is a sure fire romantic meal to land a husband. She laughed--and so did everyone--and then said a simple steak, with no cream sauces whatsoever. Honey, if Julie says it, I will abide. My original plan had been to feed my suitor into a cream filled stupor and then ravish him. Perhaps things will have to go more slowly. Nevertheless, if I do steak, I will do a good marinade. But Julie was charming and she signed my book, and off I went into the night, happy and content.

It did not stop there, loves. Then I was off to Brooklyn Heights and Gallery Audrey, where
the most fabulous array of paintings were on display by this artist who works with nothing but masking tape. Audrey and company got a full dose of me, darlings, when I announced that one figure, in bondage, looked like a pushy bottom. Now, I am sure many of you out there know what THAT means, and maybe you even are, but I had to explain this to all and sundry, who were hearing a chronicling of the gay S and M scene for the first time, and from someone who--now pay attention, girls, does NOT even participate in it!!!! But I have been around the block and know a few things. Remember, I am more the white gloves with tea and tartlets type. But Audrey's gathering was charming and low keyed in comparison with the night before, which is why, though I enjoyed it, I was wiped out, and said my goodbyes early, because this Cinderella was about to turn into a pumpkin. The party was ground breaking because never have I heard Audrey's father be so articulate; usually the poor man doesn't stand a chance, but he certainly made the most of the opportunity he had, and it was good to hear him.

Have I stopped? Are you kidding? After posting this, I have to complete my errands, head home, call Tom to meet him in the city for a 2:25 screening of "Fantastic Mr. Fox," featuring Meryl as one of the voices, then downtown to dinner with Harvey and the Girls!!!!!!!! Sweeties, you think it is easy being fabulous, but it is not, and when the body crashes, as it did the other day, boy does it crash.

But we are back on top, honeys, and ready for action!!! So stay tuned and pray that I actually get some!!!!!

So long, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Girls, The New York Times Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!!

Well, not really, dears, but let me tell you, the preposterousness of this year's Ten Best Books of 2009 leaves much to be desired. Though let me say at least they weren't taken in by Jonathan Tropper's nonsense, entitled "This Is Where I Leave You." Could you imagine that book sharing the spot with Kate Walbert's "A Short History of Women?" Talk about setting off a war of political incorrectness. And why is there no short history of men? You want to know why, lambs? Because it was done back in the '60s as a caveman sitcom entitled "It's About Time." Let me tell you, "The Little Rascals" was more sophisticated!!!!!

Of course it is as much what is NOT on the list as what IS on it? Where the hell is "The Children's Book," by A.S. Byatt, because, though I am only two thirds of the way through, it is clearly the Literary Achievement of the Year!!!!! And that Lorrie Moore--talking about kissing the Times ass by playing up to the subject matter of the moment--right down to the 9/11 thing, darlings. I am sure you wrote a fabulous book, Lorrie, but so did Colum McCann, and where is he on this list????

Girls, if I published MY list it would outdo the Times with veracity and accuracy. I just might do that little thing, then. So while I am nibbling on tartlets and sipping tea, let me mull over some titles and get back to you. The New York Times, on the other hands needs a high grade colonic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Such Fun We Had Last Night!!!!!!!

Sweethearts, last night retirement gala for our colleague Sara was more than one could hope. The wine flowed freely, resident photographer and successor to Annie Liebowitz, Tema, snapped incessantly, and the speeches were cogent and heartfelt, espcecially during this, to borrow from Dickens, "epoch of incredulity" we live in. You know the event was a success because it was attended by those two social doyennes of New York, Janice and Annette, whose stamp on a party guarantees it is the one to attend!!!! Forget Anna Wintour, girls, this is the duo that sets the social and fashion tones in this town!!!!!

It warmed the cockles of this blogger's heart, and it warmed Sara's, I could tell. But, darlings, I can feel the hands of time closing in. For although I am STILL--yes STILL--professionally 24, I can still remember when Sara's Danny was just a little bitty thing, and now he is all grown up!!!!!! Where has the time gone???? Thank God the price of moisturizer is still affordable!!!! And that I don't yet have to resort to a cream rinse!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Deep In December, It's Nice To Remember....

Can you believe we are already into the 12th month of the year. 2009 is beginning to wind down and I for one will be glad to see it go. Not that there weren't some high spots, but it was a rather difficult time. And while 2010 may be so, at least for now it is an unknown quanitity.

Speaking of the unknown, girls, let me tell you--two Saturdays ago, after getting home from my friend Mike's party, and falling into a stupored sleep, I was awakened by a malignant presence I felt in my room. I turned to the left, and there was this withered looking crone, like the housekeeper from "House On Haunted Hill," glaring malevolently at me. She was in a spinster jumper dress with matching sleeves and socks, something like Kathy Bates' wardrobe as Annie Wilkes in "Misery." She did not seem friendly. Some friends feel I was visited by a ghost--now I ask you, why couldn't the ghost have been glamorous??? I mean, like Ava Gardner? Isn't glamour what I have tried to instill in all of you, my darlings, so you would think the spirit world would respond in kind. Alas. I cannot figure out if this signals my death or what. It certainly signals my love life, which for all intents and purposes is dead anyway, unless I cook a fabulous meal and land a husband. Heaven help me, are you hearing me??? Please, can't you hear me cry? Oh, well, enough with the Janis Joplin.

Tonight I have a retirement party to go to, and I am sure it will be the social event of this work place. And let me tell you, honey, this work place needs a social event, what with Christmas coming up. And tonight they light the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. Girls, I am telling you there is so much going on we hardly have time to curl our hair or do our nails. At least we are not forgetting to moisturize. I should have given some moisturizer to my ghostly vistior--hell, she needed it. Especially since she looked like hell. But we are going to look fabulous, girls; I threw on a new sweater this morning, so don't forget to tune in for a full report of tonight's proceedings, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Girls, You Won't Believe The News I Have To Tell You!!!!!

Some things were just meant to be, I guess. There I was at my computer this morning, when by sheer accident, what should I discover but that Julie Powell herself is going to be at Barnes and Noble across the street from yours truly at Lincoln Center, reading from her new book, "Cleaving--A Story of Meat, Marriage and Obsession." So on Friday two famous bloggers are going to come face to face, and darlings I promise to give a blow by blow account of things right here. What I am hoping Julie can do, in addition to signing my book, is tell me what is the perfect meal to snare a husband, because, honey, whatever she says I will cook it!!!!!

Isn't this exciting? And then after that I head to Audrey's for her gallery showing, and I am telling you this butterfly is scurrying all over the place. Now if I just had someone to scurry with.

Then I understand I am to have a special meeting tomorrow, which is supposedly not bad, but who am I kidding? So we will recount this, girls, it probably has to do with disturbed lesbians, or at least one particularly disturbed lesbian I know. Who happens to be disturbed NOT because she is a lesbian, but just because she IS DISTURBED!!!!!!

I know I have been promising an account of my ghostly visitiation and I will get to that soon, lambs, and in 2010 I want to liven things up here by incorporating ficition. Now don't for a minute think that what you have been reading here all along is fiction, though some may claim that. This is my life, and it is the living truth!!!!! And if you don't like it, try passing the entrance exam at Miss Porter's!!!!

So now I have to get home tonight and figure out what I am going to wear to face Julie on Friday. Maybe there will be vodka gimlets!!!! I need something, darlings, that is for sure!!!! At least a frozen margaritta with salt!!!!!!

Hope all your margarittas are salted, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Won't You Join Me For Tea and Tartlets????

Darlings, even before the votes are in I am telling you--A.S. Byatt's "The Children's Book" is the literary event of this year, a Victorian cornucopia of literary references, stories withn stories and everything guaranteed to press the buttons of all us most dedicated literary readers. It also introduces--at least to me, girls!-- a new word called tartlets. These are pastried delicacies one has with high tea, only instead of being called tarts they are tartlets. Don't you just know I would love a little tartlet this minute; and not just the puff pastry kind. Hell, I have known throughout my life all shares of tarts AND tartlets; personally I would rather be considered a tartlet than a tart, though some might call me both. These are the same people whose first Broadway musical was "The Black Crook" when they were six years old.

So during this holiday season, in honor of this fabulous literary achievement, I propose a high tea filled with tartlets--and of course I will invite some of my own. What could be more scrumptious and cream filled, loves??? Hell, with the holidays upon us we needed as much cream filled stuff as we can take. Because this is the month when our figures, girls, go out the door, until spring when we have to don our Easter finery. But that seems a long way off till then. So meantime enjoy some tea and tartlets of your own, whether that be desert or the company you keep, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Well, The Holiday Season Is Offically Here!!!!!!!

"...when Santa Claus begins his flight,
I hope he gets a flat tonight!"
--"That Holiday Feeling", Steve Lawrence and Edyie Gorme

And don't we feel like those two fun loving kids, Steve and Edyie, now that the Holidays are upon us? Can you believe it, girls? Now it is time for us to supremely utlize our shopping skills, and select gifts for all our special someones, and maybe someones to be. This time of year flies by faster than the Judy Garland 1954 "A Star Is Born," which I am considering doing a remake of. Imagine ME playing Victor Lester and singing "Born In A Trunk!" Honey, I am telling you, I would win that Oscar that should have gone to Judy, and you can bet I would acknowledge that in my Oscar speech. How about Norma Maine, played by Amy Adams??? Darlings, I come up with better ideas than they do in Hollywood, though getting Heather Locklear back as Amanda (the bitch we ALL love) on "Melrose Place" was the most brilliant move of the TV season.
I wish Santa Baby would slip a man under my tree, but let's face it, the advent calendar has not been bought yet, there is lots of time, so who knows what is possible? After all, if I could have had a ghostly visitation--and wait till you hear about that, darlings--than who knows what else could happen. So while I am here everyone have a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend, finishing those leftovers and getting ready for even more goodies at Christmas. Let's hear it for the Nativity and the Rockettes! And I happen to believe the Rockettes were AT the Nativity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Girls, How Am I Supposed To Wear A Girdle, After Yesterday???

Let me tell you, lambs, not only is having to work post Thanksgiving tough, but it is even touhger to have to squeeze into that goddamn girdle I have to wear at work, especially after gorging on all the lovely things we did yesterday. Thanksgiving is when we learn what Scarlett O'Hara REALLY went through in "Gone With The Wind," stuffing herself with viddles before the Twelve Oaks barbecue, and then being laced tightly into her corset by Mammy. Darlings, that is just what I was faced with this morning, because I still felt stuffed, and then I had to get into my girdle, so I could go to work!! And with no Mammy to help me!!! I need a loyal servant. Maybe a strapping houseboy in a loin cloth!!!!!

Thanksgiving was simply charming, what with the mild weather, Harvey at his most Harv ey-est, and seeing the Indie film "Staten Island," which made clear that that borough is a bedrock of insanity and that Vince D'Onofrio is heading from porker to the grotesquely obese!!! I mean, girls, what is his excuse? It isn't like he was doing a DeNiro playing Jake La Motta. Too much lasagna, Vince, darling!!! Of course, who are we to judege, as we don't have yet our Donna McKechnie "Chorus Line" figure, although, girls, believe me that is a goal for 2010!!!!! To think we have almost lived through a decade of the new century. Kiss this, Father Time!!!!!! And dinner at the Good Stuff was superb, and wasn't Valentine, our waiter, just the most charming thing??? I simply ADORE Valentine!!!!!!

But now it is time to get back to work and gear up for the holdiay season--shopping, parties and merriment. Do you know I have three parties on consecutive nights, darlings? My God, how am I going to do it? And what am I going to wear. I wish I could fly to Paris for designers--this is an emergency. Get me Oscar (de la Renta) on the phone, right now! We will just have to see how things turn out, everyone, and you can bet I will tell you all, darlings!

And how I will!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Girls, We Have To Maximize and Market Our Special Talents!!!!!!!!

.....Because, darlings, I am tellling you, if this blog is NOT a special talent, well, then, I don't know what is. And this insight comes from, of all things, the book I am currently reading, which is #98 on this lamb's Hit Parade of book read this year--"Columbine" by Dave Cullen. Now, I am not about to justify teen massacres, but Cullen makes a good case for Dylan Klebold, that if he had steered clear of Eric Harris, he might still be here maximizing his talents. But then there is just no telling with brain chemistry, and, as twisted as mine might be, darlings, it never crossed over into murder or massacre. Though I think about outdoing many with my beauty and glamour A LOT>

Girls, after our meltdown yesterday, it is nice to know that things got resolved regarding the ID, leaving me free for such pursuits as cooking, reading and the Clearview Chelsea. We shall see what kind of free break we can get. And to think that tomorrow is turkey day, with Harvey. a movie, and the Good Stuff. I wish you all a wonderful day, girls!!!!!!! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!
Be daring tomorrow, watch "The Giant Claw," which is basically about a giant turkey from outer space while noshing on your meal. Who needs a football game, anyway. Do you think Anna Wintour wastes her time on that? Hell, she will probably be at the VOGUE offices tomorrow, so wouldn't we all like to have Thanksgiving with ANNA? Now is not that a warm, cozy thought!
Personally, I would rather cozy up to Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal, but that remains to be seen.
So now it is time to get out and about! Have a great day, and if you do not hear from me tomorrow remember to maximize all that you have to the FULLEST!!!!


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

....And It Is Only Tuesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crazy things just keep happening, darlings, and what with Turkey Day approaching and then me having to work Friday and Saturday and closing out Special Collections, well I am telling you it is just too much. My day started, girls, with a major melt down over not finding my work ID, which is such bureaucratic BS, but then, lo and behold, where do I find it but at the Records Desk, so now I have to get up early anyway and go to SIBL, where no one wants to even be seen, and heaven knows what is going on. But at least I can read and relax for awhile, and see a Thanksgiving film and have a meal, though don't we all want to look like Maureen O'Hara in "Miracle On 34th Street." And can you believe, lambs, that neither THAT, nor "March of the Wooden Soldiers (with Laurel and Hardy and the Boogies in Boogieland) are scheduled to be aired for Thanksgiving TV. Traditions are just going out the window; I know some people who should do the same, but then they are done in by their assorted mental illnesses, so it all comes down to the same thing.

Have a lovely Thanksgiving, loves, and stay away from Cold Creamery. When I report back here girls, hopefully I will be more mellowed out, and less sleep deprived. Have a fabulous Turkey Day, everyone!!!!!

Girls, You Would Not Believe The Week I Have Had...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Darlings, Julie Powell's New Book Is Out!

Girls, it is here. It is called "Cleaving--A Story of Meat, Marriage and Obsession," and you know we all want to read the latest from Our Julie. Now if only Amy Adams would write a book.
But honestly, lambs, as the year runs down a plethora of literary bonbons hit the stands, and don't you know we cannot wait to see what the NYTimes picks at their Ten Best Books, especially with fiction. I am telling you here and now--if that Jonathan Tropper makes the Top Ten, which means the Top Ten in fiction, the Times is gong to hear it from me.

Are we ready for Thanksgiving, girls? Keep it simple and remember your wardrobe and makeup. Mine will be dinner and a film with a stunning applique to be sure. As to what movie, at this point, your guess is as good as mine.

Speaking of literature, the pressure is really on me! Coming down the home stretch on Julia Glass' "I See You Everywhere," an apocryphal title if ever there was one, I will be up to Book #97, meaning just three more to make my goal of 100! Can I do it? Stay tuned to find out!

And stay tuned for all sorts of things, loves, because Saturday night at Mike's party in the most godforsaken realm of Manhattan there was this bright spot in the person of this tasty morsel named Matthew, and wouldn't we like to find out how good he tastes! Bet he has been licked plenty of times! And Mike has the cutest, most adorable honeymoon cottage; and his decor is just perfect for him--quasi minimalist with a touch of domestic. His bathroom sparkled, which let me tell you is not the always the case in some apartments, and a good time was had by all. Capping off the evening was a wild lesbian ride uptown--now THOSE girls really know how to have fun, so YOU girls could well take a tip from them. In the meantime remember your beauty tips and have a wonderful evening as we slide into the festive Holiday season!

Ta ta, lambs!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Darlings, Our Social Whirl Has Us Exhausted!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, I got those tkts for "Finian's Rainbow." We will see it on December 9, and it is going to be SO exciting.

These week has been a whirl, what with MY gala birthday celebration on Wednesday, my friend Mike's this evening in a world apart from the universe I have never heard of called Maiden Lane, no less, where I hope THIS maiden is going to be safe, or at leas meet some big strong boys who will make me feel such. And then a brunch tomorrow at The Garage--honey, I must be operating on I don't know what because I am not doing those Judy Garland drugs. Maybe I could do her concert schedule after all!

Ah, yes, the post birthday letdown. When we realize it is simply just another year, and worry about the all unknowing future. This is where I am at right now, girls, and it is kind of scary!!!!!!
This is why we have to be social butterflies, because if we weren't we might be drug addicts instead. Or maybe I am already girls, if you count coffee and Mand M's!!!!!!

So my outfit this evening is a bit understated than planned because I did not want to upstage the host. But the social whirl is just kicking off, what with Thanksgiving and then the lead-in to Christmas, then Christmas itself, and then New Year's. And then we are back to square one.

Girls, I am telling you maintain yourselves at all times, because this is the season when we must shine our brightest, whether it lands us a husband or not!!!!! And if it does remember--my wedding gown is going to be Vera Wang!!!!

See you at party time, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Girls, You Will Not Believe What Happened!!!!!

..........But it did, let me tell you!

Tuesday night, the evening before my natal day, the Chelsea Clearview was having a 70th anniversary screening of my all-time favorite film--yes, darlings, "The Wizard Of Oz!" You just know I bought my tkt a week in advance because I figured every queen or Oz nutso in the city would just be there for this sold out event! Well, the event was well attended, but it wasn't sold out. Surprise, surprise, girls!!!!

Now, the previews are running onscreen, the lights are down, when suddenly, this man, woman and the woman's daughter, who could not be more than 5, come running down the aisle, and plop themselves directly in front of me. You can be sure I was not happy, lambs, but this would not have been a problem IF the child in question was capable of settling down, which was clear to me in the first few minutes she was not. Which I could anticipate would be a problem and did become one, as the pre-movie documentary aired. Twice during such I politely "Ssshed" , and the mother at least grasped the situation and spoke something to the child, who for a time, settled down. The man responded by banging his chair seat back, as if trying to hit me. What the hell is that all about, I thought. I could see this was going to be a no-win situation.

My hunch was confirmed, because as the documentary wound down, the litle girl got up out of her seat and began wildly walking up and down the aisle beside us, in front of us, all about, while her adult figures, clearly over 30, just sat and did nothing!!!! Finally, not able to take it any other, I said firmly but minus malice, "Would someone please have that child sit down?"
Again, the mother seemed to grasp the situation, and took the child and moved to another, less congested part of the theater, where the tot's behavior would not disturb anyone. Wise woman. The man, before this, had turned around in his seat at me, and in a threatening manner, told me to "fuckin' stop talkin'." In hearing range of the child, with the F word; real classy!!!!! When the mother and child moved, he got up to follow, but not before turning to me and whispering in my ear, "I'll see YOU after the movie, outside the theater!"

Can you imagine? Being threatened at "The Wizard Of Oz?" A "Rambo" film, sure.
But this? Girls, I am not even sure this was the girl's father, my take on the situation was this guy was accompanying his girlfriend and daughter and Mr. Macho just wanted to show how macho he could be. Fortunately, the film started, and as always worked its magic. But when the lights came up, I knew I had to do something. Not only was I not going to be bitched out, I had no intention of being punched out. And for what? For his being a jerk?

So I told the concession aids, one of whom took me to the manager's office. I was asked for a desription of the guy, and gave it! You better believe it, honey!!!!! I was then offered two complimentary tkts good for any time, and, even more valuable, assurance I would be safe, because one of the security guards was asked to escort me to my subway stop, just a block away. He asked for a description too, saying to look around when we got outside, because if I saw him, the guard would deal with him then and there. But the jerk failed to materialize, which was good, though I would personally have loved to cause him some trouble too, and was clearly not following us, as I looked back once. I got to the subway, and that was that.

Why today's cultural consumers feel entitled to behave inappropriately is something I cannot fathom? Is it cell phones? The dumbing down of America? All of the above? Technnically speaking, I COULD have moved MY seat, but as I thought, why should I? I was there for serious reasons, as was most of the audience, and I had bought my tkt WELL IN ADVANCE. I felt I was being encroached on. Fortunately the management tht so, too.

So, girls, when you go to cultural events, try not sitting among idiots. As I have always said, loves, Tennesssee Williams told it like it was, and when he had Blanche say to Stella, "Don't hang back with the brutes," this is a perfect example of what was meant. And like Blanche, I refused, though I am not in the loony bin, yet.

No wonder I saw "God of Carnage" on my birthday, because on some subconscious level it gave me a safe channel for agressions I wanted to take out on this guy, which would have landed me somewhere. So I should thank the GOC cast for taking care of this for me, and I do.

But, darlings, when you go to an event, stand up for your cultural rights!!!!!!

And then have a wonderful luncheon, and get your nails done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Darlings, Thank God I Am Homosexual!!!!

After seeing "God of Carnage," girls, I thanked God for the above so I don't have children, and nutso couples to deal with. This vehicle only proves that straight people don't behave any better or worse than gays, and let me tell you, you never saw such bitches. More expensive than a visit to your average S and M bar, but at least you can't catch vermin or an STD!!!! And such stunning set and costume design, unlike the bar where the S design stands for Sleaze!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, what a day I have tomorrow, what with errands, trying to get tkts to "Finian's Rainbow" and seeing "Precious" with the free movie tkts I won from an incidnet the other night that you won't believe, but I will telll you another time, girls, have no fear!!!!!

Right now I can't even processs having turned 55; I need to process about two Maragaritas and getting out of this girdle!!!!!!!

So have a lovely evening, loves, and remember to cold cream your face before bed!!!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Happy Birthday To Donna McKechnie!!!!!

Darlings, today we celebrate the memory of the Greatest Showstopper In Broadway History. Make sure you limber up at the barre this morning, girls, and dance in honor of Donna!!!!!

What a week this has been! From the nastiness of the Film Forum shafting "Splendor In The Grass," to a tkt to "The Wizard of Oz"--my all-time fave, no less-- this has been one hell of a ride. And when am I supposed to get back in my kitchen. Then I arrive here for work early only to find I am working till 8!!!! I need to have my head examined. Or something!

Well, I cannot wait to see 'Oz' on the big screen again; who knows, with me due to turn 55 on Wednesday, it could be my last viewing. Now let's not get morbid, girls; after all, we have outlived Judy, though we don't nearly do as much drugs as she!!!!! As for the day, I am dining at Sant Ambrose, buying "The Children's Book" by A.S. Byatt, and then maybe see something at night! Anna Deavere Smith would be just perfect!!!!!!

Did you see that review for "Ragtime?" I told you it was better than the orginal!!!! No wonder Garth Drabinsky, now indicted, is just a footnote in theater history!!! Unlike Miss McKecchnie, who is and will always be an icon...and you can bet with the upcoming Broadway reavival of "Promises, Promises!"--yes, girls!!!!--she and Baayork will be at the center of the choreographic fray.

See what caaffeine does, lambs? It just makes me whizzzzzzzzz across this screen. Now it is time for all us to whizzzzzz to those dance barres and honor Donna!!!!!!!

Pivot step, walk, walk walk, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Girls, You Can't Go Home Again!!!!!!

Well, darlings, I guess Thomas Wolfe was right. Because today in honor of my upcoming natal day, Tom, my cherub, and I went to a place that meant a lot to me during my childhood--Snuffy's Steakhouse in Scotch Plains, New Jersey. I remember right by my grandmother's house in North Brunswick was a billboard advertising "10, 000 miles to Hong Kong...only a few miles to Snuffy's!" My mother said it had been around when she was in nursing school back in the early 30s. And as a child I thought it was so magical, what with its wooden 1940s atmosphere and those table lamps, and then sophisticated things like shrimp God it was right out of "Since You Went Away," and you could picture Claudette Colbert and Jospeh Cotten sitting nearby. Jennifer Jones!!!!!!!!!! Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So today after almost 35 years, I find the place still thriving, but as a glorified reception palace known as Pantages Renaissance. We even saw some real Jersey bridesmaids, and, girls, their makeup was SO thick you just knew they WERE from Jersey!!!!!! And I finally had the sizzling T-Bone steak, which was most enjoyable!!! But, alas, as I found, the magic of my childhood could NOT be duplicated. So I suppose another 35 years will pass till my next visit.

But let me tell you, girls, that T Bone gave me more bone than I have had in awhile!!!!!! I need to get a husband and become a suburban housewife. And to think that on Tuesday evening, this Tuesday, when I am viewing "The Wizard Of Oz" at Chelsea, Heather Locklear is returning to "Melrose Place" as Amanda Woodward, the bitch we ALL love!!!! Darling, we all want to be like Amanda!!!!!!! Though let me tell you, NOTHING will top Sydney getting hit by a car at her wedding in her designer gown!!!!!!

I need a designer gown if I am going to catch a man, let alone celebrate my birthday!!!! For this year I wish peace and less stress. And weight loss so I can dance like Donna McKechnie, whose birthday is Monday. This is musical theater week, loves, because Sammy Williams' birthday was yesterday and we love him!!!

So tonight after wine and Snuffy's you can bet I can sleep tonight. But , lambs, I sure need to get more bone than Tbone. Stay tuned to see if I do!!!!!!!

Love to all, Girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Well, Girls, At Least I Got My Hair Done!!!

And, darlings, I am telling you, so fabulous a job did the barber do, that within minutes I was cruised. Yes, girls, I was actually cruised! Who would believe it?

Seems like I have done nothing all week but go to doctors who bleed me dry and tell me how my health is declining. And with me about to turn 55 in exactly seven dies! Countdown, lambs!!!

But I did manage to catch a screening of "The Red Shoes," and let me tell you, darlings, that film still holds up. Anton Walbrook is MY love as Boris Lemontiv, and my decision would certainly have been to dance for HIM!!!! That Marius Goring as Julian Kastner was such a WUSS!!!!! Vicky was a fool to die for him!! And the Film Forum on an afternoon was PACKED!!!! I am telling you this film is getting a Renaissance, and it is about time. It is homaged in "A Chorus Line," you better believe it!!!!!!! Why do I want to DANCE??? Why do I want to LIVE???? Because, darlings, I MUST!!!!!!!!! Donna knows about this, you better believe it, which is why she hits that barre every day!!!!!!!!

Now I have something else to report, loves. You may recall my take on Mr. Jonathan Troper and his novel. Well, now I am reading "Lost In The Meritocracy" by Will Kurn, and while it is not nearly as offensive as Troper's work, I have had it up to here with STRAIGHT WHITE MALE WRITERS and their success!!! What about gay male writers? Why every time the NY Times hails a promising new male writer he is always STRAIGHT!!! I am sick of STRAIGHT MEN hogging everything. What do they want to hog next, ballet? I don't think so, girls!!!! At least Kurn doesn't use disgusting words like "pussy," but he hangs his heterosexuality out for all to see!!!!!! Let us have some gay male writers acknowledged, starting with this one. At least David Leavitt gets praised when he turns out something, but he has not been so prolific of late. And speaking of prolific, I better stop before my newly elevated blood pressure gets even more so!!!!! Girls, I cannot tell you how sick I am of this hetero mythos in literature!!! I am out to destroy it and I will destory them!!!! Bitches and straights, get off my runway!!!!! Fuck you all!!!

How do you like all that, girls? More cheerful talk next time!!!!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Girls, You Would Not Believe The Week I Have Had!!!!!

Darlings, I am telling you, no sooner do I get back to town then all Hell breaks lose. Of course another visit to the dentist, followed by another next week, not to mention two other doctor appts.--and I am not yet 60. Last night I saw Tracy Lett's new play "Superior Donuts," and darling it is a satisfying theater experience. My love life should only be such, but then who am I kidding? And now I hear Donna McKechnie, no less, is going to be at Barnes and Noble, so, honey, I have to hit that bar so I can dance for her!!!!! And tonight I am going to see "Ragtime," which I was not crazy about 11 years ago, let's see if this production makes a difference. And tomorrow I have to do laundry and errands and catch "A Streetcar Named Desire" at the Film Forum--girls, how do I do it, not being in my twenties anymore? Although my PROFESSIONAL age was an always will be 24!!!!!!!!! Never forget that, lambs? And speaking of lambs, we cannot wait to see "Precious," which I am sure will be as precious as due the moments we two have shared. Honestly, this study in deviance and obesity has been the toast of the film festival circuit, I cannot wait to see how self righteous New York audiences react to it.

And how am I going to react to not having new outfits for all the upcoming holiday parties. Plus what am I doing for Thanksgiving? And my birthday? Rest assured, girls, these will be celebrated, but how remains to be seen. To be answered in future installments, loves!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween, Girls!

Darlings, I have ALWAYS LOVED the Collyer Brothers!!!! They are now the subjects of E.L. Doctorow's "Homer and Langley," and although the siblings have been written about and dramatized before, he mines a touching and poignant tale of New York eccentricity. The reason I love the Collyers is that they did what I increasingly more want to do--say FUCK YOU to the world, not pay taxes, ,and live in their own world where NO ONE ELSE can touch them. I mean, darlings, who would not want that? It is like returning to your childhood, now that you are an adult, which is just fine with me, darlings. So I urge you all to read it!!!!

But it is Halloween, girls, and that means, ghoulies and ghosties. It also means I have to be at Audrey's by eight o clock, presumably in some kind of get up, though I just do not think that is going to happen.

And in just two days I am going to have to face work again, with disturbed lesbians, and all that goes with it. And just 18 days from now I turn 55, which I cannot believe, since my professional age, lambs, is only 24!!!! To think that another year is almost history, and then just two months from today, we say goodbye to 2009. It has been a rough year; can 2010 be any worse??? Darlings, I hope not, we need a break!!!!

But my break is writing to all of you, keeping you up on how fabulous my life is, girls, because someone has to report about it, and it might as well be yours truly. And what a plethora of films coming up on the viewing circuit--"The Red Shoes" and "On The Waterfront" no less and maybe "The Wizard Of Oz" the night before my birthday, which would be fitting!!!!!

So I am ready to gird those loins and don that girdle on Monday! In the meantime, have a scrumptious Halloween, girls, and collect lots of candy to induce a sugar rush in all of you!!!!
Cheers, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Darlings, Where Has This Week Gone?????

Well, it is Friday, girls, the day before Halloween, and I have yet to get my hair done! I mean, what am I supposed to do? But I just HAD to check out the Halloween double feature at the Film Forum--Susan Strasberg in "Scream of Fear," which I had never seen, and what a "Gaslight" hoot, and Vincent Price in "Theater of Blood," with his delightfully deranged daughter Diana Rigg! Darlings, for all of us who have been denied awards, this will get the juices flowing!!!!!

And in less than three hours I have to be at a Halloween/birthday party, and not much to show for it! If only my gift buying budget matched that of Meryl Streep!!!!!

Oh, and there is more on Jonathan Tropper. If his book makes the 100 Most Notable Books of the New York Times, I may not agree with it, but I CAN live with that. However, if it is put on the Ten Best List, which means one of the Five Best Works of Fiction published this year, you can bet the Times is going to hear from me. I just wish the spirit of Jane Austen would rise up from the grave and slap Mr. Tropper across the face. And that all three Brontes would resurect to kick his sorry middle aged boy butt!!!!!! I would pay to see that , girls!!!!!!!!!!!

But on to more fun things--I have decided to make what Amy made in the movie--Chicken in Mushroom Cream Sauce, with a salad, Asparagus in Hollandaise Sauce, and Raspberry Bavarian Cream for desert. A date has not been set, so I cannot tell you when this will happen, but as soon as the date is set, I will let you know. Girls, this could make or break me!!!!

And speaking of being broken, Monday looms, which means not only back to work and dealing with psychos both patrons and staff, but I have to get back into that goddamn girdle!!!!!
Girls, have you any idea how liberating the past two weeks have been without a girdle??? The feminist movement had it all wrong. It was the girdles, not the bras, that should have been burned!!!!!!!!!!

So that is it for today, and no costume for Audrey's Halloween bash tomorrow as yet. Although with my looks, darlings, who needs a costume. What I need is a designer, a manicurist, and most of all a HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!

Hope all your treats are TRICKS this weekend, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Darlings, How Much Heterosexist Bullshit Must We Be Asked To Take???

Girls, and by that I mean not only my gay male readers, but all you real ladies, not just the faux ones, who are often straight guys secretly wearing panties, after reading all 339 pages of Jonathan Tropper's novel "This Is Where I Leave You," there are some things that need to be said, The first is there has to be a law enacted against writers with the first name of Jonathan, because there are just too many of them. And unlike the others--the Messrs. Franzen, Lethem and SafranFoer, Mr. Tropper is out of their league as he lacks something they all have--discipline and coshesiveness.

The book is so all over the place because instead of settling down and writing something insightful about a family united at a shiva, he detracts into sexual ramblings that make this household as disturbed as the one in "Capturing The Friedmans," with the exception that Tropper thinks it is all fine. The only purpose here seems to be to prove that Jud Foxman, the potagonist, and his siblings are MEN WITH TESTOSTERONE!!!! Give me a break!!!! If you paid me a dollar for each time the word breast, pussy, and ass is used as evaluative quantifiers for the female sex, I would not have to go back to work on Monday. I mean, the self righteous heterosexual tone projected serves no dramatic purpose, bores fast, and I find personally offensive. Not to mention the fact that every time the concept of being gay or someone MALE being gay is mentioned, it is in the most negative terms.

So of course The New York Times picks Janet Maslin to review it, where she raves about the wisecracks, evidencing the same lack of self awareness and capability to think as when she called that crappy film called "Titanic" "the greatest romantic epic since 'Gone With The Wind.'" Hang up the reviewer hat, Janet, and go on Dionne Warwick's Psychic Channel.

See what a bitch this novel makes me? Of course, it doesn't take much to make me a bitch anyway, So I will just say to Mr. Tropper--just because a few select passages and have some promise that show you can write does not excuse your from being a self righteous heterosexual prick who is clearly Jud Foxman himself. Darlings, I could not wait to get away from these people. If Mr. Tropper wants to last as a writer, he better stop projecting upon his readers his self aggrandizing fantasies of himself as some stud muffin, because that act tires REAL fast. And I have news for you, Mr. Westchester Suburbanite, there ARE gay men in Westchester, some of whom may live in your neighborhood! So get over it! Or move to Jersey where you can still find some towns set in a time warp where it is still 1958.

Hell, I am just having so much fun, lambs, bitching and basing Tropper's book. But if I save at least one of you out there the trouble of reading this crap, then my efforts will not be in vain.

Tomorrow, girls, we will talk about culinary advancement. I am nearly ready to attempt a Julia Child recipie! Until then, loves!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Darlings, A Return To Civilization Has Its Price!!!!!!

Girls, I have been back in NYC since Saturday, and this was supposed to be my week for fun and relaxation. Now it is true that I have reclaimed my kitchen by making a fabulous potato tortilla and an Italian pasta dish with spinach and beans, but in addition I have had to endure more root canal, escalating dental bills, and rainy weather where I had to go home for my photo ID to deposit some money in my savings acct, and THEN I go to pay my other bills, and the computer system is down. My plans for the 1:25 screening of "Law Abiding Citizen" have been scrapped, so here I am, blogging to all my girls after a fabulous "Julie and Julia" lunch.

Stilll much ahead, darlings. More bills to pay, working at the Center tomorrow night after almost 3 weeks, a party for Rob on Friday, and Audrey's Halloween party on Saturday. Darlings, when you are as fabulous as I am the social scene post October just does not stop!!!!!!

Added to which I have been haunted by Richard Molinari's most recent book, "Merciliess," because I empathize with the serial killer, an emotionally disturbed child named Marius Daumgarrd, who turns out to be a child murderer, a la "The Bad Seed," but who is trying to recreate the fantasy and childhood happiness of his past by memoriailizing the amusement creation that his grandfather, the only one who truly loved him built and designed, called StoryBook River. I really felt Marius' pain, because how much would I like to go back to the safe and happy moments of my childhood. Which is why that lyric in Sondhiem's "Sweeney Todd"
resonates for me--"If only angels could prevail, we'd be the way we were." Maybe if Marius had been reached, he could have been helped. Or maybe if his grandfather had lived out the course of his life he would have harnessed his demons. I know I fear isolation and aloneness, which is why I felt the killer's pain. Not that this justifies killing, but I understood his desire of wanting to bring back StoryBook River, as I remember such places from my youth in Jersey--Wild West City in Sussex County, the Native Village therein (which does not) and the similar StoryLand down in Freehold which I had actually been to. And once again Mr. Molinari stumped me--Me, Mr. Serial Killer expert, darlings--so you know he is good. And good looking,honey!!!!!!!!

So what a week it has been. And it is still continuuing so when my demons rise I just think about some movies or shows to see, and more Richard Molianari to read, and the prospect of a husband. It is not over, till it's over, girls!!!! So stay tuned for more, the week is not yet through , darlings, and there may be more mayhem to come! Ta Ta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Darlings, What The Hell Am I Doing Here?????

Girls, we have been in Florida for almost five days, and let me tell you I have no idea in Christ's name what I am doing here. There is no Dolores Hart or Connie Francis, honey, that must have gone out years ago. The men look like pervs, what men there are that still have prostates intact, and the lack of glamour in the women is worthy of a lesbian trucker convention.

But, still, girls, we are managing to survive, what with a visit with my father, who is doing fabulous at 94, a trip to "Julie and Julia" which still enchants and which I know thrilled him, and darlings it just reminded me that a girl has GOT to get back to her own kitchen. When I return from this press junket I am on, I am going to cook me a potato vegetable tortilla, saute some pasta and open some wine!!!!! Yippeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then when I am back in NYC--my comfort zone--I will report on the fashion and arts scene all week, because next week I will be covering that scene like you would not believe, girls!!!!!!!!

And how are all my fabulous girls, anyway??? Imagine yours truly, blogging in Florida. I am surprised they have heard of such things here. The back roads are like one gigantic set for "Cold Case", with the inhabitants looking like extras from outakes of "Deliverance!!!!!!"

Girls, God, Mary, Meryl, Amy, help me! Help me get back safely to the land of NYC with all my girls and lambs, where I will be yours again, darlings!!!!!!!!!!! When next you hear from me I should be safely ensconced!!!! Pray for me, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Darlings, We Are Getting Closer!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, girls, this morning I took my action and called Caprese Car Service to take me to LaGuradia Airport on Saturday morning at 10:15. This is the first step in my journey to Florida, which I am guessing will be taking place. Girls, I am beat. After the shit that has gone down here, I need to be outta here; I should go to Cascade like Bette Davis in "Now, Voyager," but when you are not one of the Vales of Boston, what can one do???? And tonight I have to do a book trip, but I have to stock up on having plenty to read for my soujourn South, though Florida is hardly what I would call the South. It is the Ersatz South, not the true South that we all done love thanks to Misses Margaret Mitchell and Harper Lee! And hell, afte my book trip I may do a Manducatis trip, unless I want to go home and have my Julie Powell cooking experience; we shall see how the day transpires. But I am actually almost packed, girls, and I think I will be travelling pretty light, considering. Tomorrow is "Pinky," so I will let you know if I make it! Darlings, you are all SO fabulous but remember to take your cue from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Girls, Can You Believe Where This Day Has Gone?

Darlings, I am telling you, one minute I was pulling myself out of bed, and now it is almost quitting time. In between I discovered I will probably be heading to FLA this Saturday, had a session with my therapist, and my Stitch and Bitch meeting where not too much S and B went on this time, as we did not have any incompetent fat pigs around to inject their incompetent fat pig opinios into the proceedings. Then I have to have dinner with girls, and next thing you know I will be in front of the mirror, fixing my facce with cold cream for bed. Make sure you have plenty of cold cream on hand, girls, we cannot afford to be without it, if you want to keep as looking as gorgeous as I am, darlings!!!! And tomorrow we have another scintillating day that will boil down till vacation time when all HELL will break lose!!! So keep your eyes planted on this blog, lambs, because there will reports many and sundry on all sorts of things!!! Maybe even a trip to the Film Forum on Thursday to see "Pinky!" My pinky finger is tired from all this typing but I just had to tell all my readers out there not to despair, I will continue in the face of whatever adversities continue to be thrown at me!!! And damnit if I don't throw them right back, which is why I am such a B-I-T-C-H, girls!!!!! But not all the time, of course!!!!!!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Girls, Let's Not Forget Our Galas!!!!!!!!

Darlings, the Fall Gala season got underway this past Saturday with the opening night party at BOOKBOOK. This is the new moniker of the former Biography Bookstore, now moved considerably East but still on Bleecker Street, where a gallery of the city's most glittering litterati gathered to welcome the new location of Carol and Chuck's home. They were supported by all their toothsome young staff, with young Juan officiating as matre de. I swear, darlings, I think the ghost of Norman Mailer was hovering over the place, going so far as to stil try to sell copies of that overwritten peace of junk called (?) "Harlot's Ghost," which is what it should have been called in the first place, as Norm certainly knew all about harlots. And who else but Norm would in death still be egoist enough to sell his own crap? As if anyone wanted it????? Nevertheless the party was attended by enough live wires, including those two GV's--Gloria Vanderbilit and Gore Vidal, both of whom looked stunning in their respective ensembles. There was a rumor that Miss Anna Wintour was going to take a break from VOGUE to attend, and considering I have seen copies of her bio "Front and Center" on sale there, I would not be surprised if the Divine Anna did put in an appearance. And, oh, how the wine and club soda flowed, and what a stunning book designed cake, not to mention a vast assortment of fruits and cheeses, and the evening was made. Oscar De La Renta would have been proud. Even Carol's father was on hand, dispensing tales from his life which we are just anxious to read as his memoirs, but only he knows for sure!!!! It is for sure, lambs, that Carol and Chuck's new establishment got off to a winning start, and this customer will not forsake them just because they are no longer across from the Magnolia!!! So, girls, make way to the newest literary haunt in town--BookBook for a refreshing, literary experience! Stay tuned, girls!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Girls, It's Time To Get Serious Just For A Minute!!!!

Darlings, with all having been and still co
ntinuuing to be written about the TV show "Cold Case" since 2003, I cannot believe more has not been written on the episode from Season 2 called "Wishing." I viewed it recently and found it as haunting and painful to watch as the first time. What gets one through it is the craftsmanship and the brilliant acting. But it is one of the most heartbreaking stories dramatized--and an effecitve reworking of the John Steinbeck classic "Of Mice and Men."

Here, as best as I can recount, is the story.

Damien Midkiff, in a brilliant, star making performance, plays Colin Miller, a teenager with special needs. He is physically developed, but underdeveloped mentally, the latter putting him somewhere between 6 and 8. Colin is in a bad way, and does not know it. His mother, Sarah, a woman in her early 40s, is dying of cancer. His friend and caregiver, Nathan Hicks, loves Colin, and wants the best for him. They both do, especially in the wake of Colin's father having abandoned them when found he sired a special needs child.

Colin, like most teenagers, has a crush on a classmate, Lydia. Unfortunately, this has tragic consequences. In a tender scene alone with him, she allows Colin to kiss him. But when discovered by the more popular kids she covers up by saying she was attacked, slapping Colin with a sexual assault charge. On the day in question, March 6, 1993, Colin and Nathan were scheduled to attend a screening of "Jurassic Park." They did, but something happened later. That evening Colin was found dead by the train tracks, having been run over by an oncoming train. It was presumed an accident.

A makeshift memorial is created at the death site, and each year people leave things at it.
Eventually, someone leaves drawings of the train incident, suggesting that what happened to Colin was not exactly accidental. Lily and Company investigate, and discover that following the incident with Lydia, Colin was placed in a facility for violent patients, while his mother was hospitalized. Nathan visits him, and wants to be Colin's guardian, but the system will not let a minor act as such to a teen on a sexual assault charge. Sarah comes home, where she dies, to Colin's unawareness. Lydia stops by and discovers the dead Sarah and calls 911.

Things point to Nathan as the primary suspect. Under questioning, he admits he and Sarah had discussed what might become of Colin were they not available, and it was not good. Nathan makes an irrevocable decision. While walking home from the film, he leads Colin onto the train tracks and asks him to "wish" his mother well. Colin does with all the hopefulness he can muster, and before Nathan's eyes is struck down by the train. Though under the guise of a mercy killing, Nathan is arrested and imprisoned, his punishment of having to live with the decsion he made his entire life worse than anything he will have to face in prison.

This is one of this show's most disturbing episodes. It cries out for tolerance towards the Colins of this world and shows the system does not always know best about who should be cared for. I could never have made the decision Nathan did. Colin should have been facilitated till Nathan reached majority, when he could take care of him, thereby giving him a chance at life that Nathan denied him.

So, darlings, I urge you to see this episode of "Cold Case." And the next time you encoutner a Colin, be a little more patient. They do not deserve to have the decision made for them that Nathan did.

That is enough for today, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!