Darlings, I Once Wanted To Be A Paulette!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, girls, I was never considering having a sex change!!! And, no, a Paulette is not a dancer, like a Rockette (which I STILL would like to be!!!) nor a singer like a Ronnette!!!!! A Paulette, dears, is one who was a disciple of the film critic, Pauline Kael, and, when I was young and tender, my ambition was to be a critic whose influence would outweigh hers!!!!!! It started back with Steven H. Scheuer's "TV Movie Guide," which were a set of capsule sized reviews of movies shown on television. I felt I could do better, so I took it upon myself to write reviews for every film on television I saw. I took lined paper, divided it into columns, and wrote. I cut my teeth on Pauline Kael's early books, learning what a great writer she was, (and that I could say this with honesty, even if I did not agree with her opinion!!!) and acquiring a lot of film history knowledge along the way!!!!! I SO wanted to be a Paulette; however, as I made my way to New York and through the arts world, I never crossed paths with her, so, alas, something was lost along the way.

I have no idea who all the ORIGINAL Paulettes were, though I would like to know!!!! I DO know that David Denby was one, which sets my teeth on edge. Mr. Denby is hardly the critic Kael, or even I, darlings, claimed to be, but his posturing "I-am-so-straight-Mr.-Capitalist" attitude espoused in his works, "Great Books" and "American Sucker" made me sick when I read them!!! And guess what??? His wife, the writer Cathleen Schine left him high and dry....for another woman!!!!, calling all the prowess Mr. Denby boasts about himself as a Straight Man into question. And while Denby was an original Paulette, at some point he and the High Priestess had a falling out!!!! Too bad he was not offered as a human sacrifice to Judith Crist!!!!!

What all this centers around is that someone--namely Brian Kellow, who, thank God, is gay (Oh, my God! Someone gay writing about the arts!!!!! Imagine!!!!! I am sure the Tea Party is terrified!!!!! Wait a minute, it's the arts; what the hell would they know????) has written an actual biography of Pauline Kael. It is called "A Life In The Dark," and is a direct parody of "A Year In The Dark," by Kael's nemesis, Renata Adler. I have not read the Kael biography, though I want to, but already, I am curious.

Do we actually need one, darlings?????? I mean, Pauline's writings speak for themselves, and of her. Do we really need to know more???? Do we really need to know personal things about Miss Kael???? Pauline Kael having sex????? The picture is SO nightmarish it is capable of destroying brain cells faster than crack!!!!!

Hey, Brian, I recognize you from somewhere, and you are obviously talented yourself, but I think you painted yourself into a corner, with this project. What might have been MORE interesting was a book about The Paulettes--who they were, how they came to be, the love, the hate, and the influence Kael exerted on them and, subsequently, the entire movement of late twentieth century American film criticism!!!!!!

Unless, Mr. Kellow covers this in his current book. In which case, I have no choice; I'm in, so I have to read it!!!!!

But wouldn't it be great to stage a reunion of The Paulettes, and have them perform girl group songs, beneath a huge backdrop photo of Miss Kael??????

Get this on "Saturday Night Live!" at once!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Now....The Continuing Saga Of Frantique Fromage!!!!!!

Girls, what has it come to??? I reference other writers all the time; now I am referencing myself???? To refresh your memories, as you refresh your cups with coffee, back on January 12, I told of my scurrilous nemesis named Frantique Fromage. This is the screen name of someone on IMDB, who constantly berates the sacredness of Jennifer Jones, and the masterpiece that "The Song Of Bernadette" is. All my girls know that!!!!

Monsieur is amused by the rapier verbal sparring between Frantique (whose trashy Hell residence I exposed on January 12; see back then for picture!!!) so much so he is dying to meet this creature!!!! And I have to confess to a curiosity myself. Frantique has dropped enough references to reveal his identity as a fellow New Yorker, but when he mentioned seeing me on Bethune Street, not far from where Monsieur resides, I started putting two and two together. The person in question had to be someone with enough wit and movie knowledge, who lived in the nabe. Which left one possibility open to me--none other than Charles Busch!!! Frankly, if HE had turned out to have been Frantique, I would have been thrilled. But a gracious reply to an email inquiry I sent (and thank you so much, Charles) told me my hunch was wrong!!! Besides, in or out of drag, Mr. Busch cuts a striking figure, and Frantique, as I judge, is about as striking in appearance as Philip Seymour Hoffman. Only without talent, which automatically, too, eliminates Mr. Busch.

Now, take a look at the guy in the picture. THIS is what I came up with, when I
Googled "Frantique Fromage!!!" Look at that pig nose!!!! Does he live with Mama???
No, she is probably dead and buried in the back yard!!!!!! Let me tell you, darlings, while the pic may not exactly be MY Frantique, his ugliness qualifies!!!!!

There is more to this tantalizing mystery!!!! Yesterday, while walking past Abingdon Square, I passed this REAL ugly guy!! Bald, and badly dressed--first of all, in Summer garb, and it was a nasty, rainy, Fall day!!! He had on a light hooded windbreaker, a childlike white T-shirt, with something embossed on it in yellow, a pair of khaki shorts, a set of spindly legs, ankle socks, and sneakers!!!! Honey, he was much too old to pull off this act!!!! And you should have seen his legs--like spindly sticks!!! We are NOT talking Donna McKechnie here!!!! And--you are not going to believe this, lambs, but it was true--he was walking a white poodle!!!! He could have stepped out of a John Waters movie!!!!!!

Girls, I am convinced this was Frantique!!!! The only thing missing was a sharp look or dash of wit, which it was not possible for me to examine, short of talking to this creature!!!! But such a creature is the sort I have maintained Frantique is, and, with the added feature of seeing him in the nabe, this just about clinches it. So, until I am proven wrong, I am keeping my eyes out for this character in the future, to see if he COULD be Frantique!!!!!

Two more things. Mr. Busch warned that if the mystery were solved, the fun basically would be lost, and I agree!!!! Which means I may have to discover Frantique by accident!!!! Or do so, without making him aware that I have!!!!

Monsieur insists it is someone who knows ME, most likely via this blog!!!! I cannot argue with this, but my TRUE girls know NOT to desecrate either "The Song Of Bernadette" or Jennifer Jones!!!!! When Frantique does, the wrath of the Raving Queen is incurred, which is worse than the Wicked Queen from "Snow White!"

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" darlings????

It sure ain't YOU, Frantique!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, What Is It With New Jersey And Psychosis??????????

No, darlings, this will not be a diatribe against my Home State. How can it be, when so many legends--Frankie Valli, Connie Francis, Meryl Streep, not to mention yours truly, hail from the Garden State???? As well as Joe and Norman of Bloomfield, the Ankners of Green Pond, and the Duccas of Highland Park. None of which are to be confused with the Barretts of Wimpole Street. Not a trace of psychosis, there!!!!!! No Flowers In the Attic, or that crap, I am telling you!!!!!!!!

But I knew about Jersey psychosis, first hand. Across the street from where I grew up, lived a Boo Radley-like entity known as Ronald. Actually, Ronald was a good deal more educated than Boo. But he never worked, as he thought himself to good to do so, and his family's wealth allowed this delusion to be indulged. He lived with his mother, who lasted till her nineties, and was more with it and hip than her son. I recall a conversation with Ronald--who was just three years older than I, a baby boomer!!!!--where he revealed he did not know who or what the Beatles were. And this was past the "Abbey Road" stage!!!!!!!!! I found out last spring that, sadly, Ronald passed away six years ago. RIP, Ronald. I hope you felt content with what was your life!!!!!!!!

There are more of these stories than one may think. I know of one as far north as Denville, in Morris County. I know of another one in Middle Village, Queens, which played out sadly. I know/knew the parties involved, but I am not as yet at liberty to tell.

Of course, New Jersey had its magical side. The original "Friday The 13th" was filmed there, and Wild West City, in Sussex County, still exists, though how I miss the Native Village nearby, of the late 50's, early 60's. We used to pass both of these places en route to Tomahawk Lake, and how I longed to go to the latter. It must have been like visiting Skull Island in "King Kong!!!!!" And, of course, there is still the world famous Gingerbread Castle, in Hamburg, New Jersey, which, at Halloween time, which is now, is bedecked with spookery and becomes the Ginger Dead Castle.

But all this is getting away from the topic at hand--Norman Bates!!!!!!! It is widely known that Robert Bloch, author of the novel that "Psycho" is based on, modeled Bates after well known Wisconsin serial killer, Ed Gein, who also served as the basis for Tobe Hooper's 1974 classic, "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." What is less known is that a little known entity known as Calvin Beck also served as a basis for Norman. And where did Beck reside???? North Bergen, New Jersey!!!!!!

From around the time "Psycho" was conceived, Beck was known on the horror circuit. He came to some prominence, when, between 1962 and 1975, his Gothic Publishing Company issued, albeit intermittently, a periodical entitled "Castle Of Frankenstein." I knew it well; I can still recall the issue I had, depicting Karloff's mummy on the cover, set against the background of the Frankenstein lab, the title embossed above it. In that issue was a feature article that introduced me at length to "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane?", which had just been released. Yes, darlings, THIS is where it all began.

For all his talent, Beck was a somewhat tragic, Norman Bates figure. He lived with his mother his entire life. Apparently the father either died or vanished early (was he murdered?) and so it was just the two of them.. Some maintain that while ill and dying, the father was kept upstairs in the attic, and that when the time came for Mother and Calvin, they went the same way. But while alive, Mrs. Beck would not let go of her son. She hated men, so who knows what she passed on to her son???? While he often yearned for friends, and his publishing success afforded some opportunity, she was always present, and forbade it. She even attended college with him, to the point of sitting with him in class. It is a wonder he was not driven to murder, like Norman. I would not have blamed him. Helen Beck was a domineering scold, and excellent fodder for Mrs. Bates.

Remember the book "Weird New Jersey?" At this point, all the states have their own variation of this book, but for awhile, Jersey held the singular distinction. All of which goes to prove is that what is strange in the outside world is sometimes not as strange as what goes on beyond closed doors.

Just make sure your closets are free of skeletons, darling!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Was SO Disturbing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Remember "The Silence OF The Lambs, loves?" I just ate that one up!!!!!!!!! Well, you may recall, one of its plot components involved the young adult daughter of a wealthy politician being held captive in some hellhole dungeon no one knew about, except her captor--an ugly, deranged serial killer with bad fashion sense, who called himself "Buffalo Bill." In the award-winning Jonathan Demme directed film version of this work, the politician, Senator Ruth Martin, was played by an aged Diane Baker, 27 years after her virtuoso turn as Girl-From-The-Wrong-Side-Of-The-Tracks Carol Harbin, in the Joan Crawford classic "Strait-Jacket." Which I still maintain would make an excellent vehicle for the Metropolitan Opera!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb was played by Ted Levine, and Brooke Smith played the captive daughter, Catherine Martin.

The problem with all this is that Catherine was played as a screaming, overweight beans n' franks lesbian, fresh from a night at Henrietta Hudson's, where she still could not get a date!!!!!! I still recall Jodie Foster, as Clarice Starling, of course, breaking through the lair, and hollering assurance to Catherine that help is on the way. But, instead of gratitude, we hear her yell back, "Hurry up, you bitch!" Or words to that effect.

Which certainly did not endear me to Catherine, a victim whom I would have said needed to be offed. But her captor was such an incompetent Divine wannabe, that these two almost deserved each other. Thank God for Hannibal Lector to liven things up. Few acts no sooner go South than a dumb serial killer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After reading and seeing 'Silence', not to mention the Harris novel I thought even better, "Red Dragon", I thought, "Been there, done that."

That is, until I recently read "Room" by Emma Donaghue.

I admit to picking it up with some trepidation, since it covers territory previously explored. And the language in how it does took some getting used to. But once adjustments have been made, "Room" spins a familiar tale in such a unique way that it becomes, disturbing, hopeful, and achingly poignant, all at the same time.

"Room" is one of the few novels I can recall since "Rebecca" whose heroine goes unnamed. Well, not completely; she is called "Ma" by her son, Jack. But, though Ma is the heroine, Jack is the star, because Donaghue chronicles the novel from the voice of Jack, giving us a five-year-old's skewered perception of his world, known only since birth as an 11' by 11' room. The reader's adult knowledge does the work for us that Jack's limitations of age, experience and perception cannot do.

We learn, through Jack and inference, that his mother, while still a 19- year- old college student, was abducted by an unknown captor, a bachelor loner in his late 40s' known only, according to Jack, by the moniker, "Old Nick." It is interesting that we never get to know this character as a person, but a series of body parts-- arms and legs that come through a door that only the captor knows the code to; furtive images that Jack sees when his mother hides him in Wardrobe during these visits, which amounts to she and Old Nick having sex, which, in her situation, amounts to rape every time.

At the end of this edition of the book is a series of Reading Group questions, one of which is "Why do you think the author chose not to tell 'Old Nick's' story?" Honey, I could answer that in a second--because we all know it!!!!!!!!!

Old Nick is described as a "bachelor loner." He is approximately in his late 40s, lives in a house he owns, but how long is questionable, because six months before he was laid off from his job, which we never learn about. But I can tell you this--he is a serial rapist, and killer. He has done this before, and, if the police dig deep and far enough, I am certain they will find the bodies of other young, abducted females. He was abused, possibly by his father, but in some way by his mother, for whom he has both an underlying hatred for women, AND a sexual desire for them, which makes him act out his impulses, via the abduction. This is the only way he can get a woman!!!!!!! Forget church groups and singles bars!!!!!!!! What is interesting is that Ma, after seven years, has not ended up like the others. As the writing tells, that has entirely to do with Jack, who, it becomes clear, is the child of Old Nick's series of rapes. Jack is also the barometer that enables Ma to survive her ordeal, on a day to basis, chronicled memorably in the first two sections of the book. Which are certainly the most harrowing. But do not overlook the second two parts, dealing with hope and redemption, and the price that comes with each.

Once I realized Donaghue had written "Slammerkin," I recalled how much I enjoyed that book. So it was no surprise I ultimately enjoyed "Room." But its poignancy gets under your skin in a way that simply being lurid would not. After finishing this, one may be ready for the more mellow pleasures, of, say, "Good Night, Moon."

But don't let me scare you off, darlings! Remember, it is only a book, so you can put it down and come back to it, at will.

Donaghue says she would like to see her book done as a movie. I don't think it is possible. There is not a child extraordinary enough to handle the role of Jack, and to make an actual five-year-old enact it would be criminal.

Even I am going to pass on this one, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, It Is A Guarantee Kelly Will Be FABULOUS!!!!!!!!

No, lambs, I don't mean Grace Kelly, or even Kelli Garner from "Pan Am." My girls know that I, of course, mean Musical Theater Legend Kelly Bishop, who, to my entire generation, and to moi, who witnessed it firsthand, will always be Sheila in "A Chorus Line."

Kelly originated that role in the 1975 musical theater classic, and her character was based on her own life. At least, girls, her life they could put on stage!!! Mine, they wouldn't dare!!!! Who could forget her definitive rendering of "At The Ballet?"
And how many of my girls out there have, at some point, stood room center, hand on hip, and cried, "Daddy always thought that he married beneath him./That's what he said!/That's what he said!"???????? Darlings, you know I have!!!!! After all, every gay man is Sheila!!!! We may be vulnerable, but we survive by being a bitch!!! But lovable bitches, dolls!!!!

During the drama of what was last weekend, I was walking down West 43rd Street, to meet Monsieur following his CUNY class. I happened to pass the Stephen Sondheim Theatre, where the Sutton Foster revival of "Anything Goes" is currently running, when whose photo and name should I see on a window, but....Kelly Bishop!!!! Lambs, I am telling you, I was so excited!!!!!

Kelly is back on Broadway, and that is good news!!!! She is currently playing Mrs. Harcourt, mother of Hope (the role Jessica Walter opened in!!!!) in the musical, and, as she does with every stage appearance, you know Kelly will nail it!!!! And now that Kelly is in the show, that gives me an even bigger incentive to see it, which I have not. For the record, one month from TODAY is my birthday, so tickets to this would be nice!!! There, I said it!!!! Like Baby Jane Hudson, I have never had a problem expressing what I want!!!!!

It seems like I have followed Kelly since her Sheila days. Well, not literally, but I did see her as Ouisa in 'Six Degrees,' a play I have many issues with, but her performance was spectacular, and she moved across the stage with the grace she had as Sheila!!! I also have seen her in "The Last Night Of Ballyhoo," and, most recently, in "Steel Magnolias" at the Paper Mill. A Kelly appearance is always a pleasure, and is looked forward to, avidly!!!!!

I want all my girls to get over to the Sondheim and see Kelly!!! You know I will, loves!!! As Sheila herself would say, "She was FABULOUS, the way she did it!"

You better believe it, hons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, This Store's Sales Are About To Go Through The Roof!!!!!!!!!!

The store I am talking about, darlings, is, of course, Three Lives And Company Bookstore, located on Waverly Place in Greenwich Village. My unquestionable home away from home, darlings, where the staff--Toby, Joyce, Carol, Maura, Amanda (whose recently born baby is SO gorgeous, I hear she is already getting calls from Central Casting!!!!). But with the arrival of young, erudite and enchanting Ryan (no, girls, NOT Mr. Gosling, though if you can't get a date with THAT Ryan, you might check out THIS one.) A slight, polished, and younger looking version Jonathan Franzen (and I bet he can parse a sentence as good as Franzen), this newest staffer is sure to be a crowd pleaser, so, between him, and all the literary events of this Fall I have pointed out, Three LIves is sure to thrive!!!!!!!! And don't forget the sensational Midnight Party next Monday, the 24th, to showcase the arrival of Haruki Marukami's epic opus, "1Q84!!!!!!!!" I cannot wait, darlings, so if you want to glimpse your Raving Queen that eve, or om the weekends, look no further than this charming literary enclave!!!!!!!! I know this publicity will do wonders for the store, not to mention Ryan's dating life!!!!!!!!!

But you better mean business, girls, not only in book buying, but with Ryan. He is young and tender, and I will NOT have his heart become nothing more than a trinket on all your bracelets of broken hearts!!!!!!!!!!!! If you do, darlings, did you see "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo?" I will come after you!!!!!!!! May you be denied Streisand concert tickets for LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That should keep you in line, darlings!!!!!!!!! But get on down to Three Lives, and check out the Fall Events, and Ryan!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whose arrival is also one of Fall's Events!!!!!!!! Let's hope he stays till Spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darlings, Ryan Should Absolutely NOT Have Worn Boxers!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I have kept hearing from people who have seen "The Ides Of March" since it opened, is Ryan Gosling in his boxers in the bedroom scene. Well, this past Saturday, after getting Monsieur examined, injected and prescribed, we took in an afternoon showing of this film, which is an actor's delight. This film is all about great acting, girls, because, let me tell you, as interesting as some of the issues it examines are, the script is weak and full of plot holes and contrivances. And while George Clooney may have been the driving force behind the film, and gets a fair amount of screen time, he is not the star. Ryan Gosling is.

Which brings us back to the bedroom scene. When people pay good money for a Ryan Gosling, film, darlings, they want both good acting and something to look at. You do get both in "The Ides Of March," but when Ryan steps out of that bed on his Morning After, we want to see him in tightey whities, not boxers!!!!!!!!!! Once again, Hollywood protects men; women can parade their whole whatever across the screen, but a man has to be protected!!!!!!!! What hypocrisy!!!!!!!! Because plenty of women--and gay men, too, you better believe it, honey!!!--want to look at Ryan, too!!!!!!!!! So, why should they be denied????????????

Now, does this hurt the film??? Not really!!! It is just one of the things that gets in the way of this being, as has been touted, the Movie Of The Year!!!!! From an acting standpoint, it is, because there is not a bad performance in the whole film. Even Evan Rachel Wood, in an underwritten role, is good. And in small, but showy parts, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamati, and Marisa Tomei, walk off with the film whenever they are on camera!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If the only the script had filled in the plot holes, contrivances and inconsistencies, you might have a had a near perfect, Best Of Year film. Instead you get an Actors Smorgasbord. Not too bad, but could be better!!!!!!!!

But getting back to Ryan. His career is on a fast track trajectory now, and we want to see more of him. And that means we want to see more of HIM!!!!!!!!! I am sure Ryan is not a bit afraid; he has nothing to be afraid of, being so gorgeous!!!!!! I mean, if Philip Seymour Hoffman, can, and who the hell wants to look at him???????? Yuck!!!!!!!!!!

Like the song in "Funny Girl" says "If a girl isn't pretty, like a Miss Atlantic City, all she gets in life is pity and a pat!" So, if we are forced to look at Hoffman au naturel, why can't we have something pretty, like Ryan Gosling, once in a while???????????????????

Remember, girls, it may not be your birthday, but some birthday suits look better than others!!!!!!!!!!!!!!