Darlings, I Am No Wing-Tip The Spick!!!!!!!!

Now, girls, before anyone out there calls me a racist, note the spelling of the last word. Note also that I am for equal opportunity, meaning at my house the servants come in through their own entrance, but other than than that I don't care what all!!!!!

So let me explain. Wing-Tip the Spick is a character in the Carl Sandburg story "The Village of Cream Puffs," one of my favorites since childhood. She lives in the Village of Liver and Onions, and is definitely a girl fromt the wrong side of the tracks. Her more well-to do-uncles live in the Village of Cream Puffs, and her mother one day sends her to visit them, not only for social betterment, but because it is a more appealing place and mother wants what is best for her daughter. The Village is attached to a rope attached to gigantic spool, because, during spring, when the March winds act up, the Village can sometimes be lifted into the air, and would float away, if not for this contivance.

Darlings, it is a fabulous story! Now, why am I thinking cream puffs. Because, lambs, on New Years Night, to coin a phrase, i dreamed a dream!!!!!!!!!!!

In this dream, I was in an imaginary office. On one end of the room I was seated behind a desk, at another, on the other end, sat Grotesque Creature. A customer came in, asked for my assitance, and promptly left. Whereupon Grotesque Creature approaches me, and in typical fashion proceeds to go on about what I should or should not have done, having no knowledge of what to do themselves in the first place.

At this point I stand up, face Grotesque Creature, and say pointedly, "Bitch, I have had just about enough from YOU!" Whereupon my left hand goes around its neck and squeezes furiously, while my right hand delivers a mean right hook that sends Grotesque Creature sprawling to the floor, unconscious.

Magically, there appears a giant conveyor belt, in the center of which is an oven, and off to the side an enormous baking tray!!!!! I grease the tray, then place Grotesque Creature on it, and baste generously with butter. Remember, girls, this IS a dream! I notice the Creature stirring, when again by magic appears a cake funnel, the kind used by cake decorators. I jam said funnel into Grotesque Creature's mouth, and cry out, "Choke on it, bitch!" There is a sputtering and struggle for life, as the cream pours in, until only a dollop appears from the mouth, at which point Grotesque Creature is completely DEAD. I lift the baking tray, place it on the conveyor belt, and watch it go into the oven, where it bakes. After a period of time--somewhere between 30 and 60 minutes, the tray comes out of the oven, atop which is a lovely, golden, Jabba the Hut sized cream puff!!!! Isn't that precious, darlings! All that is missing is Sally Ann Howes as Truly Scrumptious in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!" Maybe that is me, girls!!!
After all, I am as scrumptious as a cherry peach parfait!!!!

Anyway, I place the tray on a table, waiting for it to cool. Nearby is a butcher knife, the kind used by Norman Bates in "Psycho!" We love you, Norman! I pick up the knife and stab the center of the cream puff....and a pool of yellow custard oozes out!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Isn't that just precious, darlings? Let's see Steve Carrell and Company dramatize this on "The Office!" Wish Chaplin or Bunel were still here to make this into a film!!!!!!

You have NO idea how satisfying this one, girls. If only dreams really did come true!!!!

Maybe this is a portent that they will in 2010. Hope all your dreams come true, loves!!!!!!!!!!!!!