Girls, Don't Let Him Paw Your Panties On That All Important First Date!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh my God What is that?
Help me! It's blond!!!!!!!
It's HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Is this me with one of my bi-polar, drug addicted dates? My cherub in the back seat of a car
with one of his more amourous boyfriends?

No, darlings, these words were uttered the other night by my friend Mark from his domicile in Ridgewood, Queens. Now, the thing about Mark--what a sweet child it t'si. And he is the beatingest, chile', I done tell you, lambs! What a challenge. And cute??? Honey, he is as cute as Gollum in "Lord Of The Rings," and we just LOVE Gollum.

Well, the other night I called Mark, to wish him a Happy New Year. You can bet on New Years Eve he was the New Year Baby!!!!! In the middle of our talk, he became panic stricken, when he thought he saw something on the porch. Suddenly, he began uttering those words. I simply told Mark to calm down; it was probably one of his sordid sex buddies trying to climb in through the window and get at him. But, no, he insists--INSISTS, darlings--that it was a giant racooon!!!! Now, honestly, Mark is not an alkie, so I do not think he was drinking, but he does have some prowess at the kitchen range, and I have to wonder if he has been of late--it has been the holdiays, after all--nipping on the cooking sherry a bit too readily!!!!!!! I mean, how big do raccoons get. They do not get ENORMOUS!!!!!! To hear him talk, you would think it was "Night Of The Lepus" over at his house! He should be so lucky!!!!!!!

Somehow I got Mark to a rational state. But this is a warning girls. Mark has never learencd the value of the adage "Too many rings around Rosie will never get Rosie a ring!" His panties are available for the asking. A cheap cocktail or peanut.

Let this be a warning, girls! Do not let anyone paw your panties on the first date, or you too will be hallucinating giant mutants on your front porch. Believe me, darling, my crotch is like an Iron Maiden. No one DARES touch my panties, unless directed!!!! And if they try, they are soon directed to hit the road!!!!

Time for me to hit the road now, girls! Stay fresh in your panties, loves!!!!!!!!!!