Darlings, It Was A Hoot, I Am Telling You!!! A HOOT!!!!!

Girls, I am telling you, not since "Hush..Hush, Sweet Charlotte," have I seen the importance of social class distinctions played out to such a campy fare-thee-well. I am talking about what I always used to refer to as "The Private School Episode" of "Law And Order--Criminal Intent," but which actually has an interesting history. Just as Peter Weiss' play "Marat/Sade" is the longest play title in theater history (the full title is--are you ready, loves--"The Persecution And Assassination Of Marat As Performed By The Inmates Of The Asylum Of Charenton Under The Direction Of The Marquis De Sade." What a mouthful! Try saying that in one breath, dolls!!!!!) The CI episode referred to on here is abbreviated as "Please Note..." or "Kissinger," but its full title is, "Please Note We Are No Longer Accepting Recommendations From Henry Kissinger," and boasts the distinction of being the longest episode title in the history of the entire L and O franchise.

This is the one where guest star Jessica Walter, in her campiest performance since Libby MacAusland in "The Group," not to mention Evelyn Draper in "Play Misty For Me,' plays Eleanor Reynolds, an Upper East Side matriarch who gives new meaning to the word doyenne. With looks that could kill, she certainly comes across as deadly as her character in 'Misty,' but it is not she who turns out to be the perp. But I am getting ahead of myself.

The writers of this segment were out to stick it to everyone--corporate Yuppies, closet gays, expense account Moms, and the Manhattan private school scene.
Things start out mysteriously enough with Skip Lowe, an all round corporate honcho and sexual hypocrite who does more than work out at the gym, walking through the tunnel in Central Park with his two-year-old son, Leo, at what appears to be ten o'clock at night. Now, the first thing I have to ask is, what kind of parent walks their kid through such dangerous terrain at so late an hour???? Huh???? And while he is out walking, he runs into someone he knows, for he says, "Oh, it's you!" Just like Steve Christy and Mrs.Voorhees in "Friday The 13th!" Only with almost the same results, for Skip is shot, rather than stabbed, but he ends up dead, the toddler in the carriage left screaming beside him. What a fabulous opening!!!!!!!!

Things get even better when Goren and Eames interview Marla Reynolds, wife of Brian. Oh, brother! Brian may be a corporate honcho type, but his mother has him by the gonads! I mean, call him Norman Bates!!!! He may be making a six figure income, but you can bet Mommy foots the bill for a beyond-the-means lifestyle that Brian could not otherwise do on his own. Which is why, instead of moving out on his own like everyone else, he and Mama share the dwelling--she has the upstairs and he the down. However, poor Marla, his wife, has it even worse. She is constantly being harangued by Eleanor for not being good enough for Brian. I mean, not only is she White Trash from Kentucky, but Brian met her in New York, while she was working as...a cocktail waitress!!!!! That's right! A cheap cocktail waitress!!!! Guess Brian was so hard up, living with Mommy, he thought he could do no better. Or maybe he was so desperate just to get some. These corporate types tend that way, you know. So Brian and Marla get married, have Baby Henry, but with the Gorgon Eleanor hovering, the marriage is far from perfect.

To compensate for her son marrying White Trash, Eleanor wants her grandson to have the BEST--would you believe he is only two years old, and is taking piano and Chinese classes???? Henry did not strike me as very precocious, but he did strike me as someone who is growing up in a problematic household and, once older, is going to start exhibiting some very interesting acting out behavior.

But Granny is doing all the acting out right now. More parents are shot, till it becomes apparent that someone--who, now???--wants to get their precious darling into the prestigious Carnegie Hill Day Pre-School, and is bumping contenders off the waiting list. Granny looks to be the best bet; Goren and Eames find she has a gun in her purse, she suffers from sweat attacks, due to blood pressure stress, and, worst of all, she cultivates a friendship with Janeen, the school's administrative aide, played at the most campiest next to Miss Walter by the great actress Isabel Keating, who played Hugh Jackman's mother on Broadway in "The Boy From OZ," and is currently playing Aunt May in "Spider Man--Turn Off The Dark." At least, she is getting a paycheck. But here, Keating is from the Miss Fern School of Academic Administration--tight lipped, sexually repressed in a way that would do Claudia Fern (the great Joan Croydon) proud. She is so hateful as Janeen, you just want to belt her in the teeth.

Leave it to Goren to get to the heart of things. For Granny does not turn out to be the perp--it is Marla!!!! Marla, who nursed White Trash dreams of escaping the boondocks of Kentucky to come to New York and become a dancer, despite the fact that, with her looks, she is just another blonde trying to make it in New York!!!!! She ends up waiting tables, but develops a big chip on the shoulder about that, till she snags Brian Reynolds into marriage, thinking she will ride the gravy train, but not knowing the price to be paid--living with Mommy!!!!!!! You have got to see the scene where Marla holds the entire classroom prisoner, even tying up the headmistress and Janeen!!!! Too bad she did not shoot the latter!!!!!! Her shattered dreams, resentment, and the constant bitching of her mother-in-law have finally unhinged her, and it is at the eleventh hour that Goren saves Marla from offing herself. Off she goes to prison, and you can bet, as soon as the door is locked, Mother will see that she and Brian are divorced, he gets custody of their son, Henry, and she makes sure he marries someone who is GOOD ENOUGH for him!!!!!!!!!

You could not get any campier than this, darlings!!!!! It has to be seen to be believed!!!!!! This is truly the "Hush...Hush, Sweet Charlotte" of the "Law And Order" franchise!!!!!!!!!!

Next time it is on, loves, have yourself a good old time!!!!!!!!!!!