Darlings, Before Me, There Was Tallulah!!!!!!!!!!

We have so much to discuss today, girls, so let us get right to it. With just three days to go until the Oscars, I want to know where the Hell is my goddamn gown? Will someone on my staff PLEASE get me that bitch Wintour on the phone and tell her to call Oscar (De La Renta) and have my gown shipped pronto? Can I at least see what it looks like? Because if I am going to look my best for Meryl, I certainly do not want to wear the same outfit as Meryl. Hell, to upstage Meryl Streep? Now THAT is what the Pope should declare a mortal sin, not homosexuality! I mean, look at his red shoes!!!!!!!!!

But, darlings, last night we were on the aisle for Valerie Harper in "Looped" at the Lycuem Theater. This is where she plays the immortal Tallulah Bankhead during the filming of that camp classic "Die! Die! My Darling," which had originally been entitled "Fanatic," but after they got Tallulah became.......well, what it became.

The first thing to be said for the evening is that it is the most entertaining show in town. The second is that as expected,--and my girls, you had better be prepared--at Intermission the LINE to the Men's Room is three times that of the line to the Ladies. The last time THAT happened, my dears, was when Patti Lupone did "Gypsy!" Thank God, we were not at Madison Square Garden seeing Barbra--my God, the Intermission must have been as long as the concert, not to mention all those male bladders on tinterhooks!

And you had better believe I marched up and down that line several times in search of a HUSBAND? And did I get even a glance? Are you kidding? I just cannot win! Not only here, but when I find myself seated on a hot night at the GAYEST show in town, surrounded by gay men, who do I end up seated between. Groups of women! Now, what good is that going to do ME. I am telling you, girls, for event shows like this I think the audience should be segregated--GAY MEN in the orchestra and THE REST upstairs.

But back to the play. The lines flowed--my favorite being when Tallulah says,"There are two kinds of men. Those who want to fuck me. And those who want to BE me." I know JUST what she means, loves, because I have the same problem. Except the ones who want to fuck me--and have--then want to be me, because afterwards they realize that I am a better fuck than they were in the first place!

See how Tallulah is insipring me? Last night I said so to a friend, and he has the audacity to say to me--But, Michael, you ARE Tallulah. I will have you know, darlings, I NEVER go out of my house without my panties. It is simply unhygenic, and as a wannabe grad of Miss Porter's--my deah, never! I may have dropped my pants on occasion--ocassions getting increasingly less frequent as I get older and fussier about my men, kind of like when I was kid about vegetables. Hell, some of the men I fucked might as well have been vegetables, too!!!!!!!!!!

But the play actually has some spine and a dramatic center. Maybe not like "A View From The Bridge," but there are points made. But let me tell you--the BIG REVELATION I saw coming a mile away--I just knew that young film editor, in his tight green pants, showing his VPL and his tight white shirt showing his muscular gym actor upper arms, was just one great big, CLOSET CASSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I have no time for those honey--be they closet homosexuals or closet Republicans. Hell, you should see the Gay Republican club at the Center--you get the worst of both worlds there! Don't even waste your time trolling THERE for a husband.

The evening belongs to Valerie Harper. And when I left the theater there were two Queens discussing the play, and I heard the words "Tony nomination" mentioned--so it would not surprise me if such came Valerie's way.

Now, some words about "Die! Die! My Darling!" Girls, we LOVE it! I mean, from the opening credits, when the cat pounces across the screen--Tallulah! Pussy! Catfight! Bitch!--to Annie the obviously lesbian housekeeper with feelings for Mrs. Trefoil, to the oatmeal scene with Stephanie Powers', to Donald Sutherland's screen debut as a mental defective--and let me tell you, I deal with mental defectives ALL the time, honey, from the moment I step out of my apartment onto the subway, to that ending with Tallulah tearing her own self portrait, it is just TOO MUCH.

Tallulah plays Mrs. Trefoil, a promiscuous actress not unlike herself, who bags a rich husband, and pays the price for it by being forced to repent the actor life and live by his rigid convictions. There is a son, Steven, who is dead, before the curtain goes up, and before you can say "Suddenly Last Summer", Bankhead and Miss Stepahnie Powers, in her pre-"Girl From U.N.C.L.E period are on the warpath, with Annie glad to slap Stephanie, to please Mrs. Trefoil, and who Stephanie is prettier than. Turns out Steven fled his home, where he was psychologically dominated by Tallulah--and--surprise! surprise!--turns out to be a self hating closet case homosexual who marries Powers, finds he can't get it up--of course not--and so kills himself. I mean, Tennessee Williams should have sued the scriptwriter for collating all his formulae of the past three decades. But what a big campfest and trashfest it is. Hell, if they are doing "Hush......Hush, Sweet Charlotte" onstage, can this be far behind? I can't wait to see it--hell, I WANT to play Mrs. Trefoil and shove oatmeal--for now--into someone's mouth!!!!!!!!

Darlings, I could go on and on. But I have to husand hunt, and "The Wizard of Oz" is at the Film Forum Sunday. Maybe there I will find this sexual milquetoast my therapist keeps telling me is what I need, but do milquetoast and sexuality go hand in hand? I guess I will have to take matters into mine!

And on that note, girls, I say thank you for coming to this coffee klatch, and be sure to see "Looped"--which is the most entertaining show in town. And then take Tallulah's advice, and go out and GET looped.

See you at the bar, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!