Girls, You Are NOT Going To Believe This.........

.....but, darlings, I have never, repeat never, been to Elaine's!!!!! Honest!!!!!!!
You may ask how can such a thing be when I make it a point--for both all of my dears and for moi--to be seen everywhere about this town. Well, let me set things straight, so to speak!

Forty years ago, not to have been to Elaine's would have been socially unacceptable!!!!!!!!!! You can bet back then that that Suburban Princess of my hometown, Miss Roberta, she from Lincoln Avenue, would have been. How can I forget back in eighth grade when she announced so GRANDLY to our French class, "What did YOU do last night? Last night I went to see "Promises, Promises'!" On a school night; I mean, can you believe it?? But Princess Roberta was obviously being groomed for things, what with how her family used their money and social pull to make sure bitch teachers like Mrs. Feldman and Santamarina gave Roberta everything she wanted, like carte blanche into the National Honor Society, which I was excluded from not once but TWICE!!!!!!!!! Which allowed her to segue right into the Ivy League at the University of Pennsylvania, which SHOULD have led to her chairing the Biology Deaprtment at Princeton today!!!!! Instead, she ends up in another Jewish suburban enclave, Demarest, no better off than she was before!!!!!! The hell with that, darlings, which is why I HAD to blow that town and eveyone in it, and get to the land of Dreams, New York City, to live the FABULOUS life that was denied me in the suburbs!!!!!!

By this time, Elaine's has become as passe as Mrs. Santamrina--who is now pushing up daisies, good riddance!-- and the National Honor Society. Which is what I am trying to get my assistant to understand so he can book me a table at someplace decent tonight. It HAS to be in the Village, loves, because I have GOT to be seen in the gay neighborhoods. And the restaurant has no idea of the value of it appearing as an entry on The Raving Queen!!!!! My assistant had better get busy, or he is going to get creamed in the worst way imaginable. He will be pulped into cream soup, girls!!!! Now, what kind of scrumtious soup, salad, or even antipasto can I have this evening? Where will it be? Stay tuned, darlings, and you will get a full report.

Speaking of reports, who do these Match.com guys think they are, acting like they are better than anyone? One had the nerve to say he did NOT want me to control him; darling, do I look like I control anybody? I mean, really, I am socially amenable, as long as I agree with what it is, or you do as I say. No questions asked.
But some of these guys want me to be some submissive looking like outtakes from a Titan Media spectacular when some of them could not get cast in "Little Orphan Tranny!" You know, girls, I should be discouraged, but I am only fueled with fury more determined than not to find a husband!!!!!! And you can bet he will know that Elaine's is passe, which I am sure Roberta today has no idea of!!!!!

So I will report on my findings tomorrow, which also happens to be Thursday, which means it will be time to announce this week's winner of the title of Bitch of the Week!!!! Who will she be, loves? I know you can't wait, but you are just going to have to, girls!!!! In the meantime, stay away from Suburban Princesses, who will drag you down, and under NO circumstances go to any place that is socially unacceptable!!!!

White gloves, loves, white gloves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!