Bart, I'll Make A Deal With You. If You Will NOT Cast Me As Fanny, I Will Take The Smaller Role Of Mrs. Brice!!!!!!!!!

"Eddie, the Ziegfeld Follies! Now, she belongs to the Ages!"
--Kay Medford as Mrs. Brice in "Funny Girl" (1964)

Actually, Bart, I am offering a package deal. In addition to my services as Mrs. Brice, I am offering my coworker and talented actor, Steve, to you in the role of Eddie Ryan. He would look great in a solider suit, doing the rousing "Rat-Ta-Tat-Tat," with that fabulous lyric "American boys are all such straight shooters!" (Which I can personally attest to, darlings!!!!!)

In fact, Bart, we will come to your office, and wait till you hear us do "Who Taught Her Everything?" I have no doubt after that you will sign us on the spot.

The point is, bub, if you are going to gamble on an entire production and theater audiences with Lauren Ambrose as Fanny, you need compensatory talent to back her up. Which is where Steve and I come in!!!!!!!!!

And just for the record, Kay Medford, the original Mrs. Brice (who received an Academy Award nomination, for recreating her role in the movie) made a career of playing Jewish mothers, when she was actually Irish Catholic and named Reagan!!!!!!!
(No relation to Ron, thank GOD!!!!!!!) So I am more than up to the role of Mrs. Brice.

Also, of course, Lauren will need an understudy, so what better person to have on hand for that than ME????????? And you better believe I will pull a Lainie Kazan!!!!!!! Hell, I will even call Lainie to come and see me. And once the press takes a look at me, you will have to find yourself a new Mrs. Brice, because that will be IT for Lauren. Maybe Idina Menzel??????????????

Hey, Bart, it's not like I don't want to help!!!!!!!! If you care so much about the success of this "Funny Girl," then start acting like it. Otherwise, go back to whatever constitutes burlesque today!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You gotta get a gimmick, Bart!!!!!!!!!! So GET ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!