Some Valentine's Psycho Slashers, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I know Valentine's Day is the time for Romance, and there are SO many genre classics to choose from--epics like "Gone With The Wind" or "Doctor Zhivago;" simpler favorites such as "Annie Hall" or "Moonstruck;" even, for those inclined, "Sleepless In Seattle" or "When Harry Met Sally."

Or how about "Fatal Attraction," or "Play Misty For Me?" Two sides of the same coin, I say, but to watch them, on this day, is a bit masochistic. I should know; I used to watch "Fatal Attraction" figuring love was hopeless for me. But this Cinderella, darlings, found his Prince; so persevere, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Naturally, I want to remain offbeat, so I would like to recommend two vehicles, suited to this day. One is a film; the other is a book, which was filmed, but the film used only the novel's title, and had nothing to do with the story at hand.

The film is the Original 1981 "My Bloody Valentine," (not the 2009 remake!!!!) and the Tom Savage novel, entitled "Valentine." If you have no plans tonight, darlings, curl up with one of these, some champagne and a box of chocolates, and your Valentine's Day will be complete!!!!!!!!!!

Let's start with "My Bloody Valentine." This film came out in 1981, at the height of the slasher craze that began with "Halloween" in 1978, and continued with such classics as the Original 1980 "Friday, The 13th," "Prom Night," and "Terror Train." The gimmick of setting a slasher at Valentine's Day is actually a stroke of genius.

Here is how it goes--

There is the obligatory pre-credit sequence, detailing the why of the story. On Valentine's Day, 1960, in a Canadian mining town, five miners were killed in a methane gas explosion, which all five of the foremen escaped, going off to a local Valentine's Day party, forcing their underlings to work. Apparently, there was one survivor, Harry Warden, who emerges alive, but insane, having survived by eating his coworkers!!!!!! Nice, huh?????????? Harry is dispatached off to the lccal loony bin, but escapes the follwing Valentine's Day, returns to town, kills the foremen, and shows up at the dance, dressed as a miner, delivering a heart shaped box--with one of the foremen's hearts inside!!!!!!!! A real classic moment, loves!!!!!!!!

Harry gets sent back, but his stunt becomes the stuff of town legend, especially since right after, all Valentine's Day dances and parties are banned in this town. But, twenty years later, it is a new generation, and so the tradition is to be revived. But someone who does not want it to finds out, and before you know it, bodies are dropping all over the place!!!!!! The best is the woman in the local laundromat, who ends up in the dryer!!!!!!!!! You better believe she is freshly blown!!!!!!!

I won't tell you anything more, lambs, except to say that if you ingest enough chocolate, and drink enough champagne, by the time the film gets to its climax, you won't give a rat's ass, and shouldn't, because this film is so trashy, anyway!!!!!!! Which is what makes it fun, and makes for a fun evening!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, reading "Valentine" by Tom Savage, takes a little more attention and concentration, being that it is a better story, and, had it been filmed correctly, would have made a terrific film double feature with the above.

The book opens with a young woman, Cass, being murdered by a man she met. It appears the killer has some kind of agenda, and that the next of his intended victims is a successful New York novelist, Jill Talbot. The why is not revealed until midway. It seems that Jill and three other women (who end up being murdered!!!!), when they were in college, pulled a horrible prank on a student they should have avoided, on Valentine's Day, with disastrous consequences for all. Jill's part in this was only peripheral; she was not even present in the room when the prank was sprung, and things began to go wrong. And, to her credit, she lashes out at the pranksters. The pathology of the student picked on is revealed, though what remains to be figured out is which of the adult men in the present time is this former student. I have to confess the first time I read this, I was taken by surprise, though on a second reading it all comes together nicely. But the story is unputdownable!!!!!

And, once having read it, darlings, you will never listen to the song "My Funny Valentine" in quite the same way, again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You might want to stay sober for this one, dears, as you need all your faculties to catch the strategy employed by Tom Savage as a writer. And if you just suspend disbelief and go with it, the ride is exciting, and will make for a lovely, though not so conventional, Valentine's Day.

I am only going to mention the St. Valentine's Day Massacre in passing, as there is nothing romantic about a bunch of thugs gunning down each other!!!!! If you stick to the psycho slashers above, you will have a fabulous time, so that, next year, when the Fairy Godmother appears, you can be whisked off to the Ball in your coach!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See you at the Prince's castle, tonight, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!