Girls, Let's Examine That Relationship Between Little Miss Muffet And The Spider!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                   "Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
                                                    Eating her curds and whey.
                                                    Along came a spider, who sat down beside her.
                                                    And frightened Miss Muffet away."
                                                    ---Mother Goose Nursery Rhyme

        Darlings, this nursery rhyme always used to puzzle me; it still does.  In the first place, what I want to ask is, what the hell is a tuffet?  A Mushroom Stool?  Her butt?  The standard definition for the word indicates, "a low seat, or stool, " or " a clump. or tuft, of grass."  The latter is closer to the matter, I think, because I know for sure that Muffet was too much of a Princess to carry out a stool by herself.  Arranging the grass in clumps would do just nicely!!!!!!!!!!!

         And curds and whey??????  Lambs, that is simply an arcane description for cottage cheese.  I am sure it was Breakstone she was eating, and that she didn't face getting nipped from Sam Breakstone's dog!!!!!!!!!!!

           Now, that spider!  Not until E.B. White humanized arachnids by writing "Charlotte's Web," have these creatures gotten a fair rap--from this rhyme, to the Fifties monster movies, to Stephen King's "It."  And don't forget the fabled spider at the bottom of the pit, in 1933's "King Kong!!!!!!!"

            I am not so sure if the spider in the nursery rhyme is at fault here.  What if Muffet was just some gold digging thing, dressed like she came out of a trailer park, with a wardrobe and hair style that was probably coordinated by Tonya Harding????????????  Of course, the libidinous spider is going to sit down beside her, but, what I want to know is, who frightened whom???????????????

             I think the Spider has gotten a bum rap!  I think that Muffet was some kind of tramp who set her traps for the spider with sexuality and cottage cheese.  A strange combination, I will admit, but it has endured with Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

              The Spider wanted to probably inject its venom into Muffet's neck, make her his captive, but when he saw this cool thing refused to be intimidated, he beat a hasty retreat!  Mother Goose has it all wrong, darlings!!!!!!!!!!!  Miss Muffet drove the poor spider away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

                That Spider would have fared better with Wee Willie Winkie, or Pretty Bobby Shafto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!