It Should Have Been Called "Bats And Bosoms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

                          Really, darlings, that title would have been more appropriate for last week's "Svengoolie" broadcast of Hammer's 1963 "Kiss Of The Vampire."  There is hardly any kissing at all in this film, not even between Edward de Souza as Gerald Harcourt, and Jennifer Daniels as Marianne Harcourt.  They have to be the most dispassionate pair of newlyweds I have ever seen.

                           What I never realized was that, as Svengoolie revealed, this was intended to be a sequel to the superior 1960 film, "The Brides Of Dracula."  Only no one from that film was on hand.  They must have read the script, which makes no sense at all.

                              The newlyweds honeymoon in Bavaria--why?--and get stuck in a storm at the castle of the Ravna residence.  The patriarch, Dr. Ravna, played by Noel Willman, desperately tries to channel Peter Cushing, who often plays the hero; Ravna is a baddie.  His kids are no better; Barry Warren as Carl Ravna is a spoiled Roddy McDowall wannabe, while his daughter Sabena, though lovely, dresses in red throughout, suggesting she has stronger ambitions than this film--she wants to play Lara in "Doctor Zhivago," or Nancy in "Oliver!"  The poor girl hasn't got a chance.

                                   Neither has the viewer, because nothing in this film makes sense.  A group of vampires turns out to be a Jim Jones-like cult, in white robes, which counteracts the vampire mystique.  So does Clifford Evans, as vampire hunter Professor Zimmer, who invokes--are you ready--Beelzebub, the Devil himself--to send a horde of bats through a circular church window into the room, killing off all the cult.  My only regret is that Isobel Black, who livens the film as Tania, is also destroyed; she is the fourteen (hah!)-year- old daughter of the innkeeper and his wife.  I was hoping she would be returned to them.  Black enlivens things whenever on camera; she has both the bosoms and the literal acting chops to sink her teeth into this role.  Thank God for her!

                                     This film you can kiss off, darlings. Though superb visually, the plot makes absolutely no sense.

                                                                    

                       Neither did the film "Sventoonie" chose to destruct, "Voyage To The Prehistoric Planet." Darlings, this had the visual texture of "Santa Claus Conquers The Martians."  It looks as if it could have been shot in the same Long Island airplane hangar.  Except this was a Russian film, which Roger Corman bought the footage of, and then inserted (more on that in the next post!) two actors of stature into the proceedings--Basil Rathbone and Faith Domergue.  I can't say much for them, since only a fraction of the film is seen.  This was some ersatz Jules Vernesque concept of landing astronauts on a planet with phony dinosaurs.  I am telling you, the glass slide lizards in the 1960 "The Lost World" were better than this.  As for Faith, I kept looking at her hair; they tried to make her look like Barbara Parkins, with a back flip.  Come on; Faith was attractive enough, and it wasn't that long since her Fifties reign, so it wasn't like she had aged considerably.   This whole thing was a mess from beginning to end, and when they finally left the planet, I cheered.  Georges Melies did far better with less.

                           This only proves that the Russians can make as crappy movies as the Americans!

                          But what an evening, darlings!  And wait till you see what is coming up next!