Oh, Come On, Darlings!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT Stephen King!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Girls, I just don't know what is happening with The New York Times!!!!!! Several years back, the Sunday Book Review featured, on its cover (the most coveted spot of that publication, lambs!!!!!) Kings's then newest novel, "Lisa's Story!!!" Which compelled me, of course, to go out and give it a glance. I don't think I made it to page 50. The writing was strictly remedial, and, as for the story, I did not give a farthing for it!!!!!!!

Now, I want you to pay attention here, loves, because this is not only going to be a very literary discussion, but will feature lists, lists within lists, and commentary thereon!!!!

You can tell the year is coming down the Home Stretch, because, earlier this week, the New York Times printed its list of the 100 Most Notable Books Of 2011. What always makes this interesting, is that it is followed shortly thereafter (usually two weeks later!!!!) by the 10 Best Books Of 2011 list. The fun, during this time period, is to guess which of the 100 will end up on the shorter, more valued list. All the selections in the 100 are eligible, and the Ten are always chosen from them, so the list is already there. The guessing game is--where is it????

Which means any reader can make up their own list, based on these books, and see how well you do, when the Ten Best is actually posted!!!!!!

But before we go further, I have to say--Stephen King????? The Times has this year put on its 100 list, King's newest work, entitled "11/22/63." What I want to know is--why???? Has King improved as a writer???? I doubt it!!!! And how many times can what happened on that date be mined by writers, let alone one of lesser stature???? Does King imagine he is Don Delillo???? I think NOT!!!!!!

What is interesting about this year is how astute my literary acumen was, because on this list, I have actually heard of 14 of the titles, and read--yes, darlings, actually, read already!!!-- 5 of those titles!!!!!!

Now come the Lists. Let's start with the shortest!!!!

The Ones I Have Read!!!!!
1. The Art Of Fielding, by Chad Harbach
2. The Marriage Plot, by Jeffrey Eugenides
3. Swamplandia!, by Karen Russell
4. The Tiger's Wife, by Tea Obreht
5. This Beautiful Life, by Helen Schulman

The Ones I Have Heard Of!!!!!!
1. The Art Of Fielding, by Chad Harbach
2. 11/22/63, by Stephen King
3. The Grief Of Others, by Leah Hager Cohen
4. The Last Werewolf, by Glen Duncan
5. Lost Memory Of Skin, by Russell Banks
6. The Marriage Plot, by Jeffrey Eugenides
7. The Leftovers, by Tom Perotta
8. 1Q84, by Haruki Murakami
9. The Pale King, by David Foster Wallace
10. The Stranger's Child, by Alan Hollinghurst
11. Swamplandia!, by Karen Russell
12.This Beautiful Life, by Helen Schulman
13 The Tiger's Wife, by Tea Obreht
14 Blue Nights, by Joan Didion

Before we list any further, let us get one immediate observation over with--Joan Didion!!!! Honey, I have read enough of her to maintain a little of her goes a VERY LONG way!!!!! Yes, "The Year Of Magical Thinking" was readable (which cannot be said of something like "A Book Of Common Prayer," which, nevertheless, I DID manage to get through!!!), but, honey, if you have been through it in any way, you know it, so, well before halfway, her point, though competently stated, becomes moot!!!! I will say this--at least you could put the book down, and come back to it, if the grief, and/or Didion's prose, got to be too much for you. Compare that to the torment of sitting in a darkened theater and FORCED for two intermissionless hours, to stare at Vanessa Redgrave (the Joan Didion of the acting world; when you need someone to play a dying hag, call Vanessa Redgrave!!!! Or so her career has seemed, of late!!!) in the dramatization of "The Year Of Magical Thinking" !!!! You gotta hand it to Joan; there is no shame to her mining personal tragedy!!!!! Added to which, like Philip Roth, the Times goes crazy over her, every time!!!! Both could defecate on the New York Telephone Directory, publish it...and the Times Book Critics would rave!!!!! And, then, some say, I AM crazy???????

But more on Joan; have you seen her lately????? Granted, she was never a great beauty, but she did have that bohemian, literary look that helped land her a career!!!! Now, she looks even more grotesque than that OTHER Joan--Rivers!!!! Who, at least, can be counted on to make you laugh!!!!! Not Joan Didion!!!! Being locked in a room with her would be like spending time with Sylvia Plath--sooner or later, you would slit your OWN wrists!!!! And while one might feel compassion and empathy for Joan, mine goes out the window, with the commercialization of her tragedy, and her medicated existence, so my sources tell me, on alcohol and cigarettes. No wonder Joan does not look long for this World--I don't think she is!!!!!!

And what is she going to do???? With everyone in her life dead, there is no one
left to write about!!!!!! Are you kidding, darlings?????? I bet you anything, within next year's time, she slits her writs, survives, and writes about it!!!! And, of course the Times will go ape shit over that, and put it on its Ten Best List!!!!!

Enough with Joan!!!!!!!

How about another author I see on here, Tom Perrotta???? His novel, "Little Children," I never got around to reading, because it made such a wonderful film. Instead, I read his next work, "The Abstinence Teacher," from 2007, which I could not tell you a thing about now!!!! Which gives you an idea of how compelling it must have NOT been, and why I am going to avoid his current work, "The Leftovers."

Then, there is Alan Hollinghust!!!!! Oh, my God, what is to be done with him???? He is the most mixed bag author since Zaidie Smith; both you cannot decide whether to read, or avoid like the plague!!!! Alan, may, I admit, cut a dashing Brit figure, and I confess to still not having read "The Swimming Pool Library," which I am told is actually good. I got through "The Folding Star," which says something, but it certainly was not as retentive inducing, as, say, "Valley Of The Dolls!!!!"
Then there is what is still thought of as his Signature Book--"The Line Of Beauty," the most God awful pretentious piece of crap, and a pitiful attempt to write in the vein of a contemporary E.M. Forester!!!! To see how that CAN be done, read Zaidie Smith's "On Beauty!", which will erase for you the over hyped, disappointing experience that is her earlier work, "White Teeth!"

Let's see...who else???? Oh, yes, Michael Ondaajte, who has a book "The Cat's Table," on the list. I did not include this on my "Heard Of" list, as I knew of him, but not this latest book. Darlings, this is the man who wrote "The English Patient," which should say enough, right there, because I refuse to either read it or see the movie. Via a book group, I was forced to read his 2007 work, "Divisadero," and all I can say now is--who cares??? And that Ingmar Bergman did it better in his film, "Persona"!!!!!!!!

My stars, girls, what a literary tangent we are on!!!!! Getting back to lists, here are two more. The first is Books On Here I Want To Read!!!!!!

1. The Grief Of Other, by Leah Hager Cohen
2. The Last Werewolf, by Glen Duncan
3. Lost Memory Of Skin, by Russell Banks
4. 1Q84, by Haruki Murakami
5. The Pale King, by David Foster Wallace

Not to mention, girls, that several of these books made my posting for Fall Literary Events, which speaks of my prescience, lambs!!!!!

1. The Art Of Fielding, by Chad Harbach
2. The Marriage Plot, by Jeffrey Eugenides
3. The Grief Of Others, by Leah Hager Cohen
4. 1Q84, by Haruki Murakami

The other one I mentioned did not make it to any list--Erin Morganstern's "The Night Circus." Come on; it HAS to be better than Stephen King!!!!!! The other, Adam Levin's "The Instructions," was published last year, in 2010!!!!!! And before going any further, a word about Helen Schulman's "This Beautiful Life!" Darlings, I read it, but I am telling those who haven't--DONT!!! What a waste of time!!! In the face of cyberbullying and Tyler Clementi, I was expecting a serious, meditative literary exploration of these issues, not the Candace Bushnell sugar coated "We-Live-In-Manhattan"-New- York-Confection" it ultimately turns out to be!!!! Gag me with a spoon!!!!! Of course, when it comes to the Ten Best list, I am SURE this will be on it!!!!!

Like the 100 list, the Ten Best one is divided between Fiction, Non-Fiction and Poetry!!!! If you read me darlings, you KNOW what interests, and what I read, MOST!!! That said, let me give you six of what I THINK will turn up on the Times Ten Best List. The Five Fiction selections, and Joan, because we know she is inescapable.

The (Hypothetical) Six Best Books Of 2011
1. The Art Of Fielding, by Chad Harbach
2. The Marriage Plot, by Jeffrey Eugenides
3. This Beautiful Life, by Helen Schulman
4. The Cat's Table, by Michael Ondaatje
5. 1Q84, by Haruki Murakami
6. Blue Nights, by Joan Didion

Not only is this post SO long, I have been writing so much, I can NOW spell from memory the unspellable names of some of these writers. So, happy reading, darlings, and may the best books win!!!!!

Which won't be true, with Joan on the list!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!