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If you are gagging by now, darlings, after having forced down all the sugary entertainment fare inevitably offered up by the Holiday Season, have I got a treat for you!
Yesterday morning, I stayed home, and watched "Satan's School For Girls," and I am telling you, I had the time of my life!!!!!!!!
This was a 1973 made-for-TV (shown on ABC, during better times) movie, which had a cast you would kill for, these days--Pamela Franklin, Kate Jackson and Cheryl Ladd, (both future "Charlie's Angels!!!!!") Jamie Smith Jackson, Lloyd Bochner, Roy Thinnes, and, as the Headmistress....Jo Van Fleet!!!!!!!!! How perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things start out promisingly, right away, with a distraught Martha Sayers (Terry Lumley) being chased by an unnamed pursuer. Martha, with her roommate, Lucy Dembrow, (Gwynne Gilford) attends the Salem Academy For Women, a finishing school where young ladies go to get refined, but turn out to be "finished off" in more ways than one. Martha and Lucy are lucky enough to share an apartment, away from the school, where things cannot get at them. And they are almost ready to graduate, anyway!!!!!!!!! But something is eating away at Martha, and when she flees, I am telling you, you have GOT to see the scene where she pulls over to the gas station phone booth, to try and call her sister, and seems to be pursued by a crazed hobo!!!!!!!!! The actor playing this role should have received an Emmy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, you can't get over the horrible Seventies fashions, featured in this film. Remember, darlings, when we all wanted that straight long haired look, because we thought it would last forever???? Now, we laugh at the thought of that, and the sight of over aged hags, who are still trying to pull this off.
Martha's sister, Elizabeth, cannot accept her sister's death, as suicide, even though the poor girl is found hanged in her house, with no signs of breaking and entering. And when enterprising Elizabeth goes to see roommate Lucy Denbrow, the poor girl freaks, making Elizabeth promise not to tell anyone she talked to her, or saw her!!!!!!!!!! Huh?
So, Liz does the next logical thing! She enrolls at Salem Academy as a student, under an assumed name! Once we get to this point, Pamela Franklin swings into full gear! That short hair, and those Seventies fashions did not make her look her best. Better with long hair, when she was playing Dora in the 1970 remake of "David Copperfield,!!!!!!!!!!!" And having to wear those white jeans, showing her visible panty lines?????? Pamela must have needed cash bad, then!!!!!!!!!!
When she arrives at the school, she is welcomed warmly by--get this!!!!!--Roberta (Kate Jackson), Debbie (Jamie Smith Jackson) and Jody (Cheryl Ladd!!!!!!!!) . What I want to know is--what is Jamie Smith doing in this pre-"Charlie's Angels" lineup???? Did she once have aspirations to that series???? But Jamie was too busy being TV Drama Queen, back then, in things like "Go Ask Alice!" Like Deborah Winters, as Maxie, in "The People Next Door!"
The one person Pamela really has to face is the one called the Dragon Lady, headmistress Miss Williams, played by Jo Van Fleet, in that inimitable Jo Van Fleet way!!! The kind that makes you think she is at the source of the trouble to come! She plays it very close to the vest, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classes begin, and this is some school! All you do is take Psychology with ominous looking Lloyd Bochner, who really gives it to Debbie, harassing her in class at every turn, and Fine Arts, taught by a dreamy looking Dr. Clampett, (no relation to Jed, of "The Beverly Hillbillies," dolls!!!!!!! ) played by a still dreamy looking Roy Thinnes!!!!!!!!!!
Things can't stay good for long, girls, especially when you are in a movie universe that clocks in at 73 minutes! Debbie goes hysterical in class. Lucy Denbrow is discovered to have committed suicide. Debbie says that makes two, and is certain she is next, especially since she painted a very scary portrait of Martha Sayers, whom she was close to. And she is right; she tries to escape the school, but is found dead in the dungeon cellar, something tied around her neck, strangled!!!!!!!!!!!
What is going on? Elizabeth teams up with Roberta, (played by Kate Jackson in that earnest looking way she brought to "Charlie's Angel;s," which made some think she was an actress, when this was, actually, the only range she had!!!!) and the two team up to solve the mystery. Meanwhile, Jo Van Fleet is getting mysterious, threatening calls that reduce her to a quiver of jelly, where she "promises not to tell!" And seeming sadist--and prime suspect--Lloyd Bochner is overcome by some force that causes him to jump out a window, and end up mired in a swamp, where he is pelted to death by a group of stick wielding school girls, headed by....Jody!!!!!!!!!!! What is going on?????????????
Roy Thinnes, aiming to be the hero, has the remaining girls evacuated from the school. He tells Kate and Pamela to hide in his classroom, but they venture out, and before you know it, Kate drops the act and reveals that she is...a follower of Satan! Or, rather, Dr. Clampett, who the girl followers think, IS Satan!!!! Is he???? Miss Williams has gone insane, and been taken away, and now Thinnes wants power over all these girls, minus family, which is how he gets to them. The girls who were killed--including Martha--would not follow the program!
Neither will Pamela, who hurls a lantern, and burns the school, and all the girls, who are heard screaming! Scream, you rotten bitches! Good and Pamela Franklin triumph!!!!!!!!!!!
But that Roy Thinnes!!!!!!!!! He is last seen on a hillside, watching the whole thing! And smiling wryly. Then, he vanishes into thin air, and the film ends! On to another school!!!!!!!!!
Guess he WAS Satan--or, at least a disciple--after all!!!!!
This is not to be missed, loves, a pre-Holiday bonanza of bitchery, camp, and the greatest ensemble cast of Where-Are-They-Now's???? one could ask for! You could not afford to put together something like this today! Or, otherwise, it would have to be done as an Indie film!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe this film was ahead of its time! But go back in time, with it, girls, and enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Martha's sister, Elizabeth, cannot accept her sister's death, as suicide, even though the poor girl is found hanged in her house, with no signs of breaking and entering. And when enterprising Elizabeth goes to see roommate Lucy Denbrow, the poor girl freaks, making Elizabeth promise not to tell anyone she talked to her, or saw her!!!!!!!!!! Huh?
So, Liz does the next logical thing! She enrolls at Salem Academy as a student, under an assumed name! Once we get to this point, Pamela Franklin swings into full gear! That short hair, and those Seventies fashions did not make her look her best. Better with long hair, when she was playing Dora in the 1970 remake of "David Copperfield,!!!!!!!!!!!" And having to wear those white jeans, showing her visible panty lines?????? Pamela must have needed cash bad, then!!!!!!!!!!
When she arrives at the school, she is welcomed warmly by--get this!!!!!--Roberta (Kate Jackson), Debbie (Jamie Smith Jackson) and Jody (Cheryl Ladd!!!!!!!!) . What I want to know is--what is Jamie Smith doing in this pre-"Charlie's Angels" lineup???? Did she once have aspirations to that series???? But Jamie was too busy being TV Drama Queen, back then, in things like "Go Ask Alice!" Like Deborah Winters, as Maxie, in "The People Next Door!"
The one person Pamela really has to face is the one called the Dragon Lady, headmistress Miss Williams, played by Jo Van Fleet, in that inimitable Jo Van Fleet way!!! The kind that makes you think she is at the source of the trouble to come! She plays it very close to the vest, dolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classes begin, and this is some school! All you do is take Psychology with ominous looking Lloyd Bochner, who really gives it to Debbie, harassing her in class at every turn, and Fine Arts, taught by a dreamy looking Dr. Clampett, (no relation to Jed, of "The Beverly Hillbillies," dolls!!!!!!! ) played by a still dreamy looking Roy Thinnes!!!!!!!!!!
Things can't stay good for long, girls, especially when you are in a movie universe that clocks in at 73 minutes! Debbie goes hysterical in class. Lucy Denbrow is discovered to have committed suicide. Debbie says that makes two, and is certain she is next, especially since she painted a very scary portrait of Martha Sayers, whom she was close to. And she is right; she tries to escape the school, but is found dead in the dungeon cellar, something tied around her neck, strangled!!!!!!!!!!!
What is going on? Elizabeth teams up with Roberta, (played by Kate Jackson in that earnest looking way she brought to "Charlie's Angel;s," which made some think she was an actress, when this was, actually, the only range she had!!!!) and the two team up to solve the mystery. Meanwhile, Jo Van Fleet is getting mysterious, threatening calls that reduce her to a quiver of jelly, where she "promises not to tell!" And seeming sadist--and prime suspect--Lloyd Bochner is overcome by some force that causes him to jump out a window, and end up mired in a swamp, where he is pelted to death by a group of stick wielding school girls, headed by....Jody!!!!!!!!!!! What is going on?????????????
Roy Thinnes, aiming to be the hero, has the remaining girls evacuated from the school. He tells Kate and Pamela to hide in his classroom, but they venture out, and before you know it, Kate drops the act and reveals that she is...a follower of Satan! Or, rather, Dr. Clampett, who the girl followers think, IS Satan!!!! Is he???? Miss Williams has gone insane, and been taken away, and now Thinnes wants power over all these girls, minus family, which is how he gets to them. The girls who were killed--including Martha--would not follow the program!
Neither will Pamela, who hurls a lantern, and burns the school, and all the girls, who are heard screaming! Scream, you rotten bitches! Good and Pamela Franklin triumph!!!!!!!!!!!
But that Roy Thinnes!!!!!!!!! He is last seen on a hillside, watching the whole thing! And smiling wryly. Then, he vanishes into thin air, and the film ends! On to another school!!!!!!!!!
Guess he WAS Satan--or, at least a disciple--after all!!!!!
This is not to be missed, loves, a pre-Holiday bonanza of bitchery, camp, and the greatest ensemble cast of Where-Are-They-Now's???? one could ask for! You could not afford to put together something like this today! Or, otherwise, it would have to be done as an Indie film!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe this film was ahead of its time! But go back in time, with it, girls, and enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!
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