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"Manderly...we can never go back to Manderly,,,But,sometimes, in my dreams, I do go back..."
--Joan Fontaine in "Rebecca"
To commemorate the passing of the great Joan Fontaine, darlings, I spent part of Christmas Day on You Tube, watching her signature film, Alfred Hitchcock's "Rebecca." Girls, if you have not seen it in awhile, you must, because there is so much you can learn from it. Joan, as the character known only as the Second Mes. De Winter, never looked lovelier, and I personally, I want duplicates of all the outfits she wore in this! Hitch certainly knew how to dress his women!!!! I mean, look at Grace Kelly! And Tippi Hedren!!!
I always identified with Joan in this, because she plays such a shy, sweet, and retiring thing! Just like me, darlings! That''s right! You damn well better believe it!
But, what are the lessons to be learned from this film??? Get set to blast off, girls; here we go! Now, pay attention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Monte Carlo Is One Of The Best Places In The World To Snag A
Rich Husband! I mean, it works for Joan here, and it worked for Grace Kelly, in real life, when she was filming "To Catch A Thief," also for Hitchcock!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Never Put Out Your Cigarette In Facial Cold Cream!!! That Mrs, Van Hopper! Florence Bates is simply brilliant as the aristocrat wanna be, who can't be, because she has no breeding, which shows, via this crucial moment in the film! This is the mark of someone who grew up in a place like Goat Alley, is desperately trying to conceal it, but origins have a way of coming out at odd times!!!! So, be careful, girls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. If You See Someone Near A Cliff, Looking Like They Are About To Commit Suicide, Intervene!!!!!!!! Because, if you do, it can change your entire life! Look what it does for Joan, here!!!!!
4. Upper Crust British Men Are Hot! They are also, unfortunately, uncut, but once you are engaged, girls, this is a cosmetic matter that can simply be taken care of, with a couple of snips! Getting back to the topic at hand, Laurence Olivier may have been the perfect Heathcliff, but, never have I EVER thought of him as sexy! But in "Rebecca" he is!!! I don't know if it the moustache, grey in his hair, or clothes, but he is one hot thing in this film! After seeing this film, every girl should want their own Maxim De Winter!!!!!!! But Reginald Denny, as estate keeper Frank Crawley, is nothing to sneeze at. either! Hot damn! He looks like he could give girls a good tumble or two! And how about Nigel Bruce, the epitome of the avuncular, jolly Englishman, as Giles Lacy, (he is also best known for playing Dr. Watson opposite Basil Rathbone in the Sherlock Holmes films!!!!!!!) for all you girls with Daddy issues???? He is some
5. If You Do Go Searching Among The Cliffs For a Suicidal Husband, Make Sure You Look Your Best! Sweep your hair back, like Joan, above! Make sure your skin tones are glowing! Dress simply in a blouse or skirt, or, best of all, that sweater and pearls thing Joan is wearing when she first sees Maxim by the cliff!!!!!!!! Hot British Men like shy, retiring things, girls, especially after, like Max, having been married to promiscuous sociopaths!!!!!!!!!!! Elegance is Simplicity, darlings! I am telling you, Diana Vreeland was right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. Hang On For Dear Life To Manderly!!!! I mean, after living in such a place, who would want to live anywhere else???? I wouldn't!!!! Which means that once you bag Manderly, girls, your next stop should be the tomb, because this is where you should be spending the rest of your life! As we all do, darlings!!!!! And that brings us to.....
7. Mrs. Danvers!!!! Remember the scene in the letter room, where Joan finally arises out of the chair, and says to Judith Anderson, "I am Mrs. De Winter now????" Joan never looked more lovely when saying it!!!! If you walk into a Mrs. Danvers situation, girls, make sure this scene takes place right away!!!!! And then dismiss the bitch on the spot!!!! Smack her across the face!!!! And don't let her pull that costume routine on you, like she did with Joan! A Mrs. Danvers is not simply a hired hand who needs to be put in their place; she is something you must get rid of!!!! Otherwise, you will lose Manderly, as Joan and Max do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Burn Down Rebecca's Cottage And Boat!!!! Get rid of all traces of her!!!!!
9. Promote Frith To Run Manderly!!!! He is a hell sight far better than Mrs. Danvers!!!!!!!!
10. Always Take Breakfast From the Side Board!
11. In This Position, You Cannot Afford Not To Have A Personal Maid!!!!!!!!!!
12. After Breakfast, Do Your Correspondence in the Letter Room! Following that, go the library and read! Have afternoon tea, with your husband!!!! You are Mistress Of Manderly now!!!!!!! Who the hell has to work???? And who the hell wants to????????????????
13. Keep That Promise Never To Wear Black Satin Or Pearls...Or To Be 36-Years-Old!!!!!!!!!! I guess that was the age of Rebecca! Good riddance!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who would have thought this Gothic romantic classic would contain so many important life lessons????? Observe them well, darlings, and find your way to Happiness!!!!!!!!!!
Or at least a Happy 2014!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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